Quick update:  I decided to stop taking TPN.  For the past year or more it has made me feel sick.  My Dr. informed me that my body isn't really taking in the calories from the tpn anyways.  Instead I will be giving myself hydration bags regularly so I don't get dehydrated.  I feel much better this way and less like I am gonna throw up.

I wish I had something inspirational to share but I don't.  I find myself limited with being unable to drive due to the meds I am on.  Because of the liver drain coming out of me I can't bundle up and go play in the snow with my youngest.  It's been hard.  

I am so thankful for the meals that get brought, the people willing to take my kids for playdates so I can nap, the people who pitched in so I could have someone clean the house once a week too.  

Early Christmas

 I know it's been awhile since I last posted.  Not much has changed. I daily deal with nausea to the point of throwing up at times.  Lately that seems to happen after I take one of my pain meds so that's a bit frustrating as the pain in my gallbladder area has been bugging me the past 2-3 days.  

Many people have stopped by to say hi, or I figure it's so they can say, "good-bye" in their own way.  I had to start canceling some of these appointments as I just do not have the capacity for them or in some cases medical issues came up with my bile drain being clogged and the bandages needed to be changed at the same time.  I am really hoping the issue with my drain will figure itself out so I don't have to go back to the hospital for a "drain exchange".  I really don't think I could handle more time at the hospital.  I have been sleeping a lot lately.  Perhaps it's the increase in meds they are giving me or it's my way of fighting the nausea.  It's been hard for the kids and my husband to see me go downhill a bit.  Thankfully today I had enough energy to have a visit with Bible School friends whom we have not seen in many years.  The husband was also in our wedding party.  And I got to meet my cousin's new baby. But now I pray I can sleep well as I am tired.  My daughter commented on how so many people come and then there isn't a lot of time for our family.  Don't get me wrong I love my friends and am thankful for them and glad if I am well enough for a visit.  But her words today made me want to guard our family time even more.  I find I have better energy when she's at school so that isn't great.  I am thankful for our family time tonight and for tomorrow being a day where I don't have anything up.  

We have no idea how long I have.  So tonight we decided to put up our Christmas tree early.  We don't have Christmas gifts bought but we did get them new ornaments for our family ornament tradition.  I love hearing the kids comment how they love that tradition.  Isaiah got a golf cart ornament in memory of his fist job this summer being the cart sanitizer boy at the golf course.  Kayra got one of a girl doing a cartwheel because she loves to do cartwheels and likes gymnastics.  We also got them a special family one with pictures from the photo shoot we had a few weeks ago.  Then after we watched a Christmas movie.  I know it hasn't even snowed yet but there is something refershing about the Christmas season.

Thank you for all your words of encouragement, prayers, meals, support and unique gifts for our family.  I don't know how people without a community around them survive something like this.  And when I am just too tired I feel like I am Moses sitting on the rock and Hur and Aaron are holding up  Moses' hands Exodus 17:2.  Thank you for standing on the side of me and helping me.  Those prayers give me the strength I need to get through each day.  

Reoccurrence

 Cancer sucks!  We moved back over 4 yrs ago because we wanted to help the kids get settled and adjusted to life in Canada incase the cancer returned.  2 weeks ago I learned that my cancer has indeed returned. I had been in the ER and then admitted due to looking like a yellow Crayon as there appeared to be an issue with my liver. To be honest we are not surprised but we were in a bit of a shock when we first learned the news.  The biliary duct area has a tumor that is growing.  It appears there are also tumors around the  kidney and the duodenum as well.  The scar tissue we thought was an issue could be scar tissue or it could also be reoccurrence.  Surgery really wasn't an option.  There was too much risk for complications and shortening the life I already have and I wasn't eligible for another HIPEC. And we also know that Goblet Cell Carcinoma doesn't respond well to systemic chemo.  I had many doctors consult over my case and the top liver doctor in our province also processing with me.  The prognosis isn't good.  I wanted to get home as soon as I could to my family and finally after 2 weeks in the hospital, having a bile drain inserted and a duodenum stent put in as well, I was able to come home.  

I have been home for a week! It has felt so good to see my family.  My parents and my sister and her hubby were out helping out with the kids and the house.  They were happy to be able to see me too.  They took turns driving me to a nearby town to receive IV antibiotics (Today was my last day PTL), my sister helped me shower, my mom helped keep the house cleaned and helped cook me a scrambled egg daily.  I can't eat much but I am slowly trying.  I am told the cancer is basically stealing all the calories from my TPN so any extra food I can eat is good.  After throwing up for almost a month and keeping very little down I am going slow with food intake and can only eat things well chewed, pureed or liquid.

It was so good to see my husband and my kids.  Man I missed them.  It's amazing how having showers and being with your loved ones can help perk a person up.  It has been hard on the kids to process.  We just put up a hospital bed in my room.  I don't need it now but we know it will eventually come to it and this way we won't have to wait for it.  Plus I find the nausea relentless at night so sleeping more upright in that bed will be helpful.  Seeing the hospital bed, and the bile drain bag full of gunk are just some hard reminders for the kids of how sick I am.  I am so thankful for all the people who have driven my kids to places (due to be heavily medicated I am advised not to drive), taken them for play dates or just dropped off little treats for them, etc to remind them that they are being prayed for and cared for.  

So many dear friends are wanting to stop by to say hi/good-bye. I love connecting with everyone.  At the same time I am needing to be careful with my energy and make sure that I still have energy left for my little family.

I'll try my best to keep updated on the blog.  My dream was to write my life story in a book.  Not sure if I will get to that before I die but at least this blog will have some of my story in it.  Thanks for journeying with us.

 

Horrible CT Scan Experience

 So I had my CT scan last week.  I had to stop eating food Tuesday night at 7 and go on a clear liquid diet that night till Thursday morning.  I stopped taking anything by mouth 4 hours prior to the scan.  Once I got to the hospital I was told to take a 10 mg pill that was supposed to be for nausea with the side effects of needing to run to the bathroom.  The technician told me it was supposed to drain things from my stomach into my intestines really fast.  I was then given a large class full of a liquid that tasted like the fake fruit punch juice boxes you get at the store.  I gagged my way through drinking it and informed her that I didn't think I could drink more.  She made me wait 5 minutes and said that I needed to drink a total of 3.5 glasses.  I was praying my way through it.  I only managed to drink half of the next glass before I started feeling the need to puke.  She gave me a puke bag and I asked her what would happen if I couldn't drink any more?  The drink was supposed to distend my bowels in hopes that they could get a clearer picture, looking for what might be causing what they think is a small bowel obstruction.  Well I couldn't drink more than half.  She then had me wait 15 more minutes.  I think after about 8 to 10 minutes I informed her that I was worried I was going to throw it all up.  She got me on the CT Scan table, hooked me up to the tubes through my port and after making sure everything was in working order I sat up and threw up.  I threw it all up!  This meant what was needed to get to my bowels did not get there.  I was disappointed but honestly felt much better getting that out.  They did the scan anyways.  I received a call on Monday that the scan shows my gallbladder is distended but they don't know why.  Is it something benign?  Is it stones?  Is it scar tissue?  Is it reoccurrence?  My oncologist just said they do not know.  

So now what?  My oncologist has ordered another special MRI to get a good look at the ducts and my gallbladder and liver.  I feel frustrated that no one will open me up to really see what's happening.  I am tired of the pain.  I am exhausted from the wait and he unknowns and I worry that I will have attacks when I am trying to camp or have fun family times.  I am not sure when the MRI will happen or what the action will be after that.  

All I can do it be thankful for the days I feel good and hold on tighter to Jesus on the days I am on the floor, or in bed, in pain.  I keep praying for answers and for Jesus to reveal to the doctors what's exactly going on inside my unique body.

I have a follow-up appointment with my HIPEC surgeon I was assigned 4 yrs ago.  Though he won't do surgery he said he'd chat with me on July 20th to see how I am feeling.  I also chat with my Liver specialist at the beginning of August.  My Liver Function blood work continues to rise.

Upcoming CT Scan

 I have been updating on FB and IG but since this blog is about my health journey I should write it hear too, though I will try to be quick. I found myself in the ER twice since the end of April. I couldn't figure out why I was having horrific pain, a bulging side that felt like my intestine was about to burst through and I was unable to really go to the bathroom and for someone with short gut syndrome, who takes many meds to slow things down, this was abnormal.  The pain was horrific and the 2nd time I was in the ER I was puking up bile (and my husband had to stop along the drive to empty my puke bowl into the ditch a couple of times on the 45 minute drive there and I continued to puke a few times in the hospital too.  This happened to be the night of Mother's Day.  Not a fun way to end a good day.  They swabbed me for Covid but since I didn't have symptoms they sent me upstairs and put me in a room with a roommate.  I swear I got this massive headache/migraine after the swab.  Hydromorphone wasn't even kicking the headache that they had to give me some other kind of medication as well for those next couple days I was in the hospital.  I had a CT scan and an x-ray.  There was talk of surgery but in the end this country hospital didn't feel they were the right place nor did they have surgeons who wanted to handle my complicated anatomy and medical situation/healthy history.  So I went home two days later.  

However, and hour before I was released I was informed that my swab results came back positive for Covid, which explained the massive headache, but I was in shock and pretty peeved actually.  I felt bad for the two roommates that I had because I really didn't know I had it. Once I got home I knew I needed to connect with my Spiritual Director and process with her and with Jesus the emotions I was wresting with.  I really think doing that helped me be in a better frame of mind for the next night when I found myself on the bathroom floor for most of the night.  

I was given medication to help with the nausea that I had been experiencing with I take my TPN and with these new issues in my body.  It was discovered that I have a number of gallstones and a narrowing bile duct so the gallstones can't pass through easily, my gallbladder is really low and basically on or really close to my bladder. My stomach is lower than it should be and the part that empties into the small intestine is collapsing so food is struggling to process through.  I also have a hernia in my diaphragm.  Wow, all of that and the doctors were unsure what was the actual cause of my symptoms.  I feel like I have been ping ponged in the last month to various different doctors from liver specialists, to surgeons to my oncologist, GP, and also  Anyways back to that medication.  When I took it once I was at home at night I found myself on the batthe HIPEC surgeon.  So I was released on a Tuesday and on Thursday night I found myself on the bahroom floor, nauseated, dizzy, and in horrific pain.  I was taking turns sitting on the toilet and throwing up and sleeping with my head on the rolls of toilet paper on the floor.  I cried out to Jesus to end the pain and my misery I was feeling.  I begged Him to just take me already. In fact the pain reminded me of when I was readmitted 4 yrs ago in the hospital.  The point where the pain was so bad I didn't know if I'd make it through the night.  I tried to imagine Jesus laying on the floor with me.  I had hooked up to TPN so I wasn't sure if it was that or Covid affecting my digestive system.  My dietician things I actually had an adverse reaction to that medication so I have not tried it since.  Once I was able to unhook from my 8 hours of TPN I crawled into bed, put on the song "WAY MAKER" and sang the words quietly.  A peace washed over me and I was able to sleep for a couple of hours before it was time to get up with the kids.  

Since then I have lost about 10 lbs and I  had about 4 or 5 other attacks but not as severe to send me back to the ER.  I know that I need to walk, apply heat, lay on my left side, stop eating and just go on a liquid diet when I feel an attack coming on.  I find it can last anywhere from a couple of hours to about 24 hours. My body wants to curl in on itself from the pain. 

I was assigned a surgeon but he didn't really want to open me up for fear he would maybe make my short gut syndrome worse and leave me in more of a state where I was reliant on TPN to live and eat. Because I wondered if I was dealing with some sort of reoccurrence I wanted my HIPEC surgeon to be consulted.  I talked with a couple of times recently.  Due to Covid in our province he said I will not be able to have a surgery where they open me up and one that requires an extensive stay and that would be the case if I had HIPEC.  At this point he doesn't feel I am dealing with a reoccurrence.  He feels it's an issue of scar tissue or something causing a small bowel obstruction.  I know that unless they open me up and really look they can't fully tell me there is not re-occurrence.  He wanted to see if the surgeons that saw me when I was admitted through the ER over Mother's Day would be willing to open me up and at least clear away some scar tissue.  But she said she didn't feel comfortable.  

So non of these specialists want to open me up.  No one is really sure what's happening to me and why. So now I am going to have a CT scan on Thursday.  This a different one than I normally have.  This time, 2 days before (so Tuesday) I am allowed to eat but after 7 pm I have to stop eating.  Then on Wednesday I have to have a "liquid only" diet day.  Thursday I am to not eat or drink anything and I need to take special medication just before the scan to really clean me out.  This will be super uncomfortable.  But the hope is that if I a really cleaned out they will be able to see where these strictures or obstructions are happening.  To be honest at this point I am just hoping they find something if there is anything to find.  If they can find something on the scan they may be more willing to open me up and trying to "fix" something.  

I know something is wrong, When I have these attacks I struggle to function well through the pain.  I am thankful for this past week where I have had a few 'good' days and have even been able to help with yard work and yard projects.  

So if you happened to have read all of this please pray for my upcoming scan on Thursday.  And for favor with the doctors.  That God would reveal to them what is happening inside of me.  After all He knit me together in my Mother's womb and knows me so well.

A Kayak meets a Dam

I have had this song running through my head since Monday night.  Our friends lent us their kayaks and canoe for a couple of days.  We enjoyed exploring our river for the first time this way.  I will say it was really fun and I am already dreaming of the day we can own one of our own so we can use it more in spring.  We've had SO much rain that it was really interesting to see how the river kept rising over the 3 days that we had went on the river.  It's isn't a super long stretch that we can canoe on due to a dam that isn't too far up the river from us.  

My husband was in the canoe with my daughter.  I asked him to hold onto my phone as I figured it would be safer in a canoe than a kayak in case I fell in for some reason. My son and I were each in a kayak.  We went into a little area that was super full of algae.  It looked interesting so I figured I'd take a picture.  I mentioned that I wanted to take a picture and my husband said, "Memories are better.  Let's just enjoy this."  And I said, "Yes but a picture can jog a memory."  So he came close to my kayak and gave me my phone.  I snapped these pictures.  My husband told me to put my phone in my pocket but I tucked it into bra as I wasn't sure it I would fall out I wanted to make sure I wouldn't lose it or it wouldn't fall out of my pocket. 

Then we carried on to the main part of the river up to the dam.  See below.   My friend heard this story today and then sent me this picture.  I have never seen this sign before.  Maybe it was put up after my experience on Monday.😂  

So my husband and daughter were in the canoe and as they got close to the dam not only did they notice how high the river water was but my husband commented on how they were seeing fish trying to swim up the dam.  I couldn't see from where I was so I was a little impatient to try to see how big these fish were.  Turns out they were about 6 inches long. Well I guess I got too close with the kayak and the current and water flowing over the dam got me and took my kayak under.  Thankfully I was wearing a life jacket so my head didn't go fully under but I was soaked, my sandals went under the current and the kayak was water logged and stuck in the current.  Trev remained calm and encouraged me to swim hard and to the edge.  I managed to make my way to the edge and my son found my sandals as they were floating and tried hard to get the kayak out of the current.  We were worried it would take him under too. 

A couple of weeks ago I was telling my daughter about the dangers of having phones by baths as some have been electrocuted I forgot to mention it was when phones were charging.  Well she was crying and was worried that I was going to get electrocuted.   Trev eventually dropped my daughter off on the edge to stand by me.  He told my son to drop off his kayak at the edge.  I helped pull it up on the shore while he got into the canoe with Trev and together they would try to retrieve my kayak that was upright and unable to get free from the current.  Eventually they managed to get the handle and pull it towards our friends to drop it off.  Trev told me to carry my son's kayak on shore to our friends' place but I wasn't strong enough.  My daughter found someone to help me carry it while I was soaked and actually laughing about the whole thing.  My husband wanted to enjoy the memories but I am thankful for these pictures that will help jog our memories about this event.  

We got home and put my phone in a bag of rice for night and thankfully it survived the ordeal.  I haven't uploaded any of my pictures in the last 6 months onto my computer so I was worried I was gonna lose them.  

We had a little family meeting after and discussed the importance of life jackets and acknowledged how our family worked together in that little crisis.  Isolation and lockdowns and just some strong personalities in our little family means we don't always get along.  It was such a gift to be able to see how we banded together, listened to Trev's instructions and figure out how to rescue the one kayak and get the other one back as well.  All the while have some good laughs and new memories created.  Moral of the story:  ALWAYS WEAR A LIFE JACKET and DON'T GET TOO CLOSE TO THE DAM!

Graduation

Wow!  I am overcome with gratitude and a sense of accomplishment today.  This weekend was my last module class.  We moved back here 4 years ago because we weren't sure if the cancer would return.  We wanted to be near family and get the kids settled.  I used to tell people over the last 8 to 10 years that one day I'd love to be a Christian Counselor or a Spiritual Director.  I clearly remember the day two summers ago when I felt a blessing and release from the Lord to apply to the School of Spiritual Direction and to pursue this dream of mine.  It feels so serial to be alive and to have finished this program.  After these past 2 years I feel even more confident in the giftings that God has given me, the way that God has and is using the struggles I've endured, and the life lessons and experiences over my life to better equip others as I companion them on their own faith journeys.  What a humble, sacred blessing it is to be invited into the lives of people.  What a privilege it is to hear ones story and to help them see how Jesus is and has been at work in their lives.  They say "find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life."  Well that's how I feel with Spiritual Direction.  This is what I feel I was made for and something I hope to spend the rest of my life doing.  

Though we didn't get to meet in person due to Covid restrictions I am so thankful for Zoom and the connectedness and sense of family that can still be felt over screens.  We grieved the fact that one of our classmates was unable to join us as he is currently not well and battling with Covid in the ICU.  Please pray for our friend Peter and that he will come through this.  

We had a beautiful time sharing affirmations with each other and also being commissioned by our teacher as we now have completed our 2 year program through Sustainable Faith which is the largest Spiritual Direction school in North America.  When I left my life overseas I found myself feeling pretty lonely.  I missed feeling spiritually connected with friends who I could share deeply with.  These dear classmates of mine became family.  They became a body of believers that I could share my tears of joy and sorrow with and they became cheerleaders and prayer warriors for me as well. With restrictions causing churches to stop meeting, or only having online services, these class times became like Church for me in a sense as well. I am thankful for their friendship and look forward to finding ways to stay connected in the future.  If you are on the lookout for a Spiritual Director I highly recommend any of these dear friends.  If you are curious about Spiritual Direction and want to learn more or have questions please don't be afraid to reach out to me.

I wish we could have been in person today to have our little commissioning service in person.  It would have been awesome to celebrate together face to face.  For now I will sit and marvel at the work God has done in my own life over these last two years. I sit in the gratitude I feel for this opportunity I had to learn and grow in my own walk with Jesus as well as learn and grow to be the Spiritual Director the Lord wants me to be.  All glory and praise goes to HIM!

Another procedure

 I have not been feeling well since August.  The day we were moving out of our house I had some pain that felt like maybe a gall stone attack.  Over the last 8 months I have had an ultrasound, A LOT of blood work, a CT scan and an MRI.  In the blood work it kept showing my LFT's (Liver Function Test numbers) were rising or staying pretty high.  We couldn't figure out what the issue was.  What I knew was that on nights I was hooked up to TPN I would be nauseated at night and feel like or actually throw up in the morning, only to feel like staying in bed till noon that day.  Eventually the nausea, and at time puking, continued even on days that I wasn't on TPN.  

I found myself in the ER on Saturday.  I had horrific pain Friday night, and in the morning there was a hardness on the side of my gut which made my husband and I wonder if I had a small bowel obstruction.  I was in class online for my 2nd to last module in my Spiritual Direction training.  I had to ask they to record the rest of the class so I could get to the ER.  I am so thankful for the friends and family who helped take care of my kids so that I could get to the hospital.  In the end they were not fully sure what was up but assumed a slight small bowel obstruction which finally began to work it's way out of my system.  Once I suspected it I quit eating and spent hours drinking water, trying to flush my system.  Normally I am on multiple meds to help combat the chronic runs from the short gut syndrome I deal with.  However during this time I didn't need meds which made me realize something was up too.  

I finally got referred to a Liver Specialist and she ordered an MRI only a more specialized version so that they could see the ducts from my liver, gallbladder and pancreas as well as my abdomen.  This took place yesterday.  

Today I got a call from my specialist.  She informed me that I have a BILIARY DUCT STRICTURE.  At this point they are pretty sure it's not cancer as they don't see any tumors or masses.  That said my cancer never showed up on scans, nor as tumors 4 yrs ago.  So they way forward?  My specialist will be informing my TPN doctor who apparently can do a special procedure called and ERCT (Endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography).  The duct between my liver and intestine is narrowing and is a few centimeters long where this is happening.  On top of this I have gall stones.  I knew the one medication, the shot I get monthly that helps with the diarrhea but also is anti-tumoral for me, could eventually give me gall stones.  I was told that when I started on it 4 years ago.  But because it's anti-tumoral I will admit I am really nervous if they ask me to go off of it.  So they plan to go in, cut a slit into my intestine and take some samples.  If they need to they will use a balloon to inflate it and put in a stent.  

So how am I handling the news? I cried.  To be honest I was crying out to God this morning before the phone call asking for healing but also asking that something be found on the MRI because for months I knew something was wrong and I didn't want to feel like it was all in my head.  Hearing the word stricture through me for a loop.  It was December 2016 when I was told that the colonoscopy I had found a stricture between my large and small bowel.  It wasn't until a month later that we realized that structure was from the tumor that invaded my appendix and was pushing it's way into the intestine wall.  So I am trying to not worry.  I am trying not to show the tears or worry especially for my 7 yrs old as she has been in tears and clinging tonight, worried that I will have to stay in the hospital and having it retrigger the 4 months she barely saw in in 2017 when I was in and out of the hospital.  And tonight, the bloating, discomfort and pain is rising up again.  I am trying hard to not show the kiddos but I am beginning to wonder if I may need to see the ER again tonight.  

Please pray that I can get this procedure quickly.  Please pray for healing.  Please pray that the gall stones will disintegrate.  Pray that I stay healthy and that my family does as well so that I can get into this procedure.  Please pray for peace for my kids as they see me not feeling well and try to process it. Please pray that I can feel better as I wait.  It's been a hard week of not feeling well and lots of pain and discomfort as this stricture is hindering bile from getting through and doing what it needs to do.

 

4 years

 4 years ago my husband and I planned to go watch La La Land in the movie theatre but before we went on our date we had a quick meeting with the doctor to hear the results of the pathology report that they sent in after my emergency appendectomy 6 days earlier.  We were NOT expecting to hear the words: CANCER, GOBLET CELL CARCINOMA (adenocarcinoma) of the Appendix.  We were in shock.  We decided to go ahead and watch our movie, sitting there holding hands, shell-shocked by the news, and then let the loved ones in our lives about how our worlds were about to be turned upside down by this unexpected news.  I remember driving to a Life Coaching meeting (I was finishing up the 2nd to last session of training) and on the drive there, (I was in the passenger seat) I sent a message, tears streaming down my face, to my friends and family.  The 2 friends that I was doing my coaching session with met me at the door with wide open arms and tears of their own.  

It was so hard to tell me small kids that evening.  My son knew what cancer was after having had his grandpa pass away from colon cancer a couple years prior.  It all felt so scary and unknown.  And one week later I was heading into another surgery, this time to try to remove all the cancer with a right-hemicolectomy.  Only later to discover that there was even more cancer and I'd have to endure another 2 surgeries and a small procedure yet all before May of that year.  

I still can't explain the peace that I experienced in those desolate times.  I still can't fully explain how the presence of Jesus was felt as I was wheeled into each surgery or experienced through the love of family and friends.  I still can't fully explain how I even survived all of that other than that it was by God's grace and with the prayers and support of many around me.  

I recently looked back over update letters that we sent around that time. Seeing pictures of my small kids, knowing how traumatic it all was for them and how we are all still healing from what we experienced during that time.  I was in awe of little details like how many friends and family flew out to help take care of my kids, or sit with me in the hospital so my husband could spend time with them.  How when my husband sent the email saying we felt we needed to move back to Canada and asked for prayer for a fulfilling job that would provide for our family.  God has been abundantly gracious in providing a job that does just that for my husband. He's carried us, provided for us and loved on us.

Someone I know recently lost his wife to cancer.  Man I can't stand cancer.  Anyways, I couldn't bear the thought of his small kids not getting to have their mommy around.  My heart just broke.  I experienced "survivor's guilt" and struggled to know why I was still alive but why her small kids couldn't have their mommy live.  It seems cancer affects so many lives.  I didn't want to dwell on me but I looked for ways to be an encouragement and help provide some helpful books for him to help his kids in the grieving process.  My heart is so soft towards those who face cancer or infertility as those are 2 things that have impacted my life so significantly.  I just want to be an ear and a support where I can.

I can't explain how I was feeling last night but I just felt heavy.  I was trying to process the significance of this anniversary and the realization of how lonely I was feeling not being able to have friends and family to celebrate my 40th birthday last month and this special anniversary.  I choose to call it my Cancer Survivor Anniversary and later tonight my husband and I will watch LA LA LAND, our yearly tradition since getting my diagnosis.  Anyways, last night I chose to watch "Clouds" a true story movie about a teenage boy in his Sr. Year who had cancer.  At the end he said, "I just want people to know that you don't have to know that you are dying to really start living." I have made it 4 years and I want to really live to enjoy the next 4 and hopefully beyond that.  

I have not been feeling well since August, doctors have been monitoring my LFT blood work and they even switched my TPN (the nutrition I get 3 nights a week through my port) formulation but I continue to find myself have days of utter exhaustion, debilitating nausea (where some times I struggle to get my kids out the door to school or find it overwhelming to the point of tears like last Thursday because I didn't have energy to think about feeding my family).  Usually my capacity is 75% but lately it's been 50% or even as low at 30%.   For the past few months I had been feeling this way usually on a TPN hook up night but these past 2 weeks I continued to feel that way even when I wasn't getting TPN.  So I called my medical team and they ordered blood work a week and a half earlier than planned and now I am awaiting a phone call to find out when I will get a CT SCAN.  I should have gotten one in December but we decided to push it off a few months due to Covid.  However, after talking with my cancer team we decided to order a scan sooner than later just to be sure.  Thankfully the last 2 days I have been able to feel significantly better than I did last Thursday.  I take the TPN tonight again for the week so I'm curious how I'll feel in the morning. 

As a way to celebrate this 4 year anniversary I'd love to fundraise for CancerCare Manitoba Foundation. If you'd like to donate just click on this link: CancerCare Manitoba Foundation 

Even though I had all my surgeries overseas I have a wonderful medical team at Cancer Care who have followed up with me, taken care of me and encouraged me over these past 3.5 yrs.  I am beyond grateful for each of the nurses, doctors, dieticians, etc. 

I have been listening to a song called, "The Story I'll Tell" song by Maverick City Music

Lyrics: VERSE 1 The hour is dark, And it’s hard to see, What you are doin’, Here in the ruins And where this will lead, Oh but I know, That down through the years, I’ll look on this moment, See your hand on it And know you were here PRE CHORUS And I’ll testify of the battles you’ve won How you were my portion when there wasn’t enough I'll sing a song of the seas that we crossed The waters you parted The waves that I walked CHORUS OH OH OH My God did not fail OH OH OH it’s the story I’ll tell OH OH OH I know it is well OH OH OH is the story I’ll tell VERSE 2 Believing gets hard When options are few When I can't see how you're moving I know that you're proving You're the God that comes through Oh but I know That over the years, I’ll look back on this moment And see your hand on it And know You were here BRIDGE All that is left is highest praises So sing hallelujah to the Rock of Ages

Even though I can't gather with others to celebrate, I will choose to be thankful and share the story of how the Lord walked with me and carried me through one of the most difficult things I have every had to face up till this point.  May my story continue to be one that brings Him glory.  

40 Reflection

 So this is 40!  I had a few minutes to myself this morning to reflect while I ate the pancakes my husband made for me. For months I was excited to turn 40 at the end of this year.  However this past week it didn't seem so exciting when I realized the cold snap of weather and this crazy Pandemic's restrictions would mean we'd be stuck inside, unable to celebrate with family and friends.  Knowing the significance of reaching this milestone my parents are finding it hard not being here to celebrate together with me.  Some how the day snuck up on me and I wasn't able to journal and reflect like I had planned that I would.  So I took 20 minutes, before the kids woke up, to journal (and now I have some more time as I write this blog tonight).

Just as I was about to put the pen to my paper, a verse popped into my mind. Romans 15:13.  It's the verse I held onto for years when I prayed for another child.  "May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit."  HOPE-this is the word I used for my daughter's middle name.  In 5 years of secondary infertility God kept giving me glimmers of hope, amidst the losses and despair.  And now, today, this verse stood out to me in a new way.  As I reflected on turning 40 this is what I thinking about;

"40!  I never thought I'd see this day.  At 18 or 19 I remember telling some close friends that I thought I'd be dead by the age of 40, either that or that Jesus would return by then.  Okay I can't for-tell the future but back then I struggled with some depression and suicidal thoughts earlier in Jr. and Sr. high school.  It was super tough being one of the only Christians in my school.  It was hard having an extended family member tell me that I was brainwashed for believing in Jesus.  I know that I longed for heaven even at that young of age.  Some how the promise of heaven felt easier than living with the struggles on the earth.  When I had cancer all the more this became real to me.  The reality of my life hanging by a thread still feels very vivid to me.  But so does the nearness of my Heavenly Father.  The presence of Jesus in that dark valley is unexplainable at times.  When I look back on the past 40 years I continue to see God's hand on my life from sparing me in the womb, sparing my life from killer bees, and cancer, etc.  My mom wrote me a note, reflecting on the beginning of my life, the stays in the critical care unit in the hospital, the prayers for "LIFE" that she prayed for me, her unborn child at the time, and for the miracle that I was.  Doctors told her I wouldn't live in the womb, when I did they told my parents I wouldn't make it till age 5 due to all my health complications.  "God has intervened many times in my life when it had seemed all HOPE was fading" as my mom put it.  I know that He is not finished with me and so I choose to humbly ask Him to continue to draw me close to Himself, to use me in the lives of those around me and to shape me into more of His likeness.

Leading up to my 40th I felt compelled to write 40 people thanking them for ways they impacted my life through their mentoring, prayers, ministry, example, discipleship, friendship, etc.  I spent a lot of time reflecting on the past as I wrote those letters, and contemplated each of those relationships. As I reflected on those letters this morning I felt like some how on the other side of today, the 23rd, there is a gift.  A gift of HOPE.  A gift to look to the future.  Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord.  Plans  to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE."  This verse feels so new to me suddenly.  Lord I don't want to be afraid to hope for the future.  I humbly come and lay my fears at your feet.  Thank you for the gift of a future with you here on earth and eventually together with you eternally.  For the past few years it felt like reaching 40 would be a huge milestone.  I honestly didn't think too much beyond that.  But God, But God isn't done with me yet and now tomorrow I get to look ahead with hope and expectation of the future.  I can dream again.  I can walk expectantly with Hope.  The canvas is blank and I have no clue what the future holds for me and my little family but I know who holds me and my future!  It feels like strange ground, perhaps holy ground, to be able to look ahead with HOPE and be able to dream again.  I do know that one dream I have is to grow my SPIRITUAL DIRECTION work.  It's been a privilege to walk alongside the directees I have had this past year and I am praying for many more directees to be able to companion alongside of.  What a humbling gift it is to journey alongside of others in their spiritual lives.  

I am so thankful for the friends and family who took time to send me letters and gifts.  I think my main love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, with acts of service close behind.  Honestly reading each of those heartfelt letters filled up my love tank to overflowing.  I felt SEEN, cared for and LOVED.  To be honest, I deal with an inner critic in my mind often telling me how I am failing at parenting my kids or failing at so many other things.  I worry I am too much for some friends, with my intensity for depth in relationships, and my desire to be so Jesus focused in things I say and do.  But these letters helped me see ways that God has used me, ministered to others through me and how He's used me to point others to HIM.  I was so encouraged.  It made me think about funerals.  At funerals we have a time of sharing about what the person meant to us.  We share stories and memories.  But friends today made me realize all the more that why wait till a funeral?  If there is someone in your life that you appreciate.  Someone who has touched you, ministered to you, encouraged you, go out of your way to let them know how much that meant to you.  Don't wait till someone's funeral to then share those special memories when they are not even there to hear it. I know that I will continue to let people know the impact they have had in my own life when those opportunities arise. 

Today I did have some friends meet me over zoom to chat, sing me happy b-day and let me know they love me.  When we moved back 3.5 yrs ago a number of the friendships I had here changed and it was quite lonely at first.  I am thankful for this group of friends that welcomed me in and have loved me just as I am, "quirks and all" as one friend put it.  Some friends popped by with cards or goodies as well. God is faithful and has provided some sweet friends.  Another sweet friend made me a fun birthday cake.  With 2020 being the year Costco kept funning out of toilet paper due to a pandemic, as well as the fact that I did have some anxiety over a TP shortage due to my short bowel syndrome issues it seemed fitting to have her make this cake.  And this evening I enjoyed some MINUTE TO WIN IT games with my little family and as well as putting a puzzle together.  

Thank you Lord for these past 40 years!  May I bring you honor and glory as I press on and look ahead with HOPE towards the future.

Covid, Homeschool, Health and Spiritual Direction

So much has happened in the last few months.  In fact it feels like so much has happened in 2020, as there is always something in the news forcing us to really look at ourselves, our way of life and the world around us.  It has brought some good discussions with the kids, left my heart feeling burdened and caused some sleepless nights for me as my heart and head have been so full and overwhelmed with various situations.  But it has also brought me to the reminder that my God is bigger and able to carry all of this.  That when I feel this way He is my strong tower that I can turn to and trust my cares into His very capable hands.  He's been calling me to not fret and not worry but to TRUST Him.  To really TRUST Him.

Covid 19 came and forced me into being a homeschooling mom, while finishing up my first year of classes.  I did some homeschooling when we lived overseas and to be honest I much preferred the material I used with my son back when he was in grade 1 rather than the online work I was supposed to help my daughter (who was now in grade 1) with this time around.  If a 2nd wave comes and we need to homeschool again in the fall I may have to look into the SONLIGHT material again and use that material instead.

I did not enjoy homeschooling.  My daughter had a hard time seeing me as mom and teacher and struggled to decipher the difference.  She missed socializing with her peers and having the regular school routine.  My son on the other hand enjoyed it.  He was diligent to wake up early and get everything done before 9:30 am for the day.  He enjoyed not having to connect with some of the kids who aren't always kind to him at school and enjoyed going for bike rides or hanging out and strengthening the friendships he does have (while social distancing).  This past school year I was getting used to having both kids in full time school and was able to had time to rest, work on school, catch up on my house chores and to do lists. I was pretty consistent with making sure I was laying on the couch a half hour before the kids arrived home so I could rest, pray and really just get my mind and heart ready to prepare for their arrival off of the bus.  Covid meant that I had so little alone time for me.  At best I function at 80% most days but these past few months there were days I was only functioning at 50% and that didn't help with the stress in our home.  School ended on the 12th of June and already the environment around here is way better.

Even though it wasn't perfect I look back and am thankful for the family times we had around the table.  I am thankful for all the family games, bike rides, movies watched and memories made together.  I really enjoyed not having to be busy driving from one place to another.  I really don't want life to get crazy busy again.  However, last night was the first time we gathered around a fire with a friends and it was so wonderful to feel like life was normal again.  We met a family we hadn't met before.  As we gathered around the fire they started asking questions to get to know us.  We ended up sharing stories about our time in West Asia, sharing how people loved on us over there, how God clearly called us there and paved the way for our every move to get there, paved the way to get the best care for my cancer as well as how he continues to lead us even today.  We shared about my heart and passion for Spiritual Direction and how the Lord clearly confirmed that as my calling.  As we shared I was overwhelmed by the goodness of the Lord and how faithful He has been.  I am so thankful for all the ways we have experienced God's presence, voice, and calling and love for us over the years.

Last week marked 3 years since we landed back in Canada as well as marking 2 years since I have been on TPN (still doing 3 nights a week and in 3 years I have gone from 77 lbs to 94 lbs).  When I look at where I am now it can be easy to feel discouraged and like my body is no where near where doctors told me it would be at this point in time.  However, when I look back at how bad things were 3 years ago, or even 2 years ago, I do see improvements.  I do see increased energy and my body is figuring out a new normal with the TPN, all my meds I take daily to aid in the short bowel syndrome, as well as the new supplements I am taking to help with my body absorbing nutrients and minerals and they have also really helped my Thyroid levels (and other blood work levels) to finally get into the normal range for the first time in 3 years. 3 years ago we didn't think I'd still be alive today.  So we rejoice that at this point I am still cancer free or NED (no evidence of disease) and I walk into my CT scan on July 2nd with hope that it will be a clear scan.

When I reflect on my faith I see how the deep/dark/scary valley of the shadow of death caused me to fix my eyes on Jesus who is the author and perfecter of my faith.  I am not someone who can easily debate faith, religions, theology, or other hot topics.  I am not up on apologetics.  But what I can tell you is that all that I have had to walk through has only deepened my faith and my resolve to follow Jesus.  All I have been dealt in life has only increased my compassion and love for others and my desire to walk alongside others in their own grief and spiritual journeys.  All I have experienced has only opened my eyes to all the ways God has lavished His love on me and NEVER left my side through it all.  They ways I have experienced God in my life has given me an increased passion to pray that others around me would experience Him for themselves rather than just read about Him in the Bible.  It's one thing to know about God and another thing to truly KNOW Him and experience His presence and His love for you.

In May of this year I finished my first year of the School of SPIRITUAL DIRECTION.  If you look back at one of my posts from last summer you will hear how God spoke to me and confirmed this direction after I had a weekend watching my monarch caterpillars emerge from their chrysalises as amazing butterflies.  I was overjoyed this past week to notice 3 little caterpillars starting to munch on my milkweed this year.  It's been an amazing year and I have grown so much in my gifting/calling and ability to contemplate the presence of Jesus as well as learning how to better walk alongside others on their journeys.  If you want to know more about Spiritual Direction or know someone who might be interested in some sessions with me please check out my website: www.midwifetothesoul.wordpress.com

This summer we had hoped we would be able to go on a road trip to see the Grand Canyon as well as make our way down to California to see dear friends who used to live in our neighborhood with us when we lived overseas.  However, thanks to Covid and closed borders we won't be doing any travel of that kind.  Instead we decided to rediscover our own province and had enjoyed a couple of day trips so far this month.  We plan to hopefully head up north later this summer to see my family and enjoy some of the beauty of the north with the waterfalls, fishing and my dad's cabin.  We take things day by day and hold our plans lightly.  The kids have been so disappointed with so many fun activities and special dates being canceled that we know that we have to hold plans loosely these days.  We also have bought a new house and move in come October.  This house has truly been a gift and a blessing these past 3 years.  Yet we are excited about our move and have already started to declutter and think about packing up.  We look forward to a yard that backs out on to the river.  Through Covid I realized once again how much nature is calming for my soul and a great way that I connect with Jesus.  I look forward to nights watching sunsets, being amazed at the star-filled skies and opportunities to skate on the river when it freezes in the winter.

Almost 3 yrs and YACC (scroll to bottom to learn more)

Yesterday morning I woke up to a message from a dear friend asking if I'd be willing to get in contact with her friend who just discovered he has appendix cancer.  I told her I would do my best to get in contact and answer any questions he and his wife had if I was able to.

Later in the day I noticed my pink boxing gloves in my china cabinet.  Remember those?  The boxing gloves my husband gave me to encourage me to fight this horrible disease.  The encouraging words and verses that are written on them from friends and family who walked alongside us.  I remember when I was wasting away and had little fight left in me.  My husband put the gloves on my hand and took a picture.  He sent it in a mass email to our support network asking them to pray for me because I didn't have much strength left to fight.  I felt like I was in despair and I needed the army of prayer warriors to pound the doors of heaven on my behalf.

As I looked at these gloves I took note that on the 19th of January it will have been 3 years since my surgery to remove my appendix because they thought I had appendicitis.  And on the 25th is will have been 3 yrs since I heard the CANCER word for the first time.  I realized that in that moment, while looking at my gloves, that in some ways it feels like forever since that all happened or that in some ways it didn't really happen at all.  It was such a long, horrifically painful and scary journey.  Then I am reminded of the limitations of my body that I still deal with daily.  I am reminded of the port still in me that it used for the TPN I still get 3 nights a week.  I am reminded of how horrible it all was but also how far I have come and how far I still have to go. 

I was able to talk with this couple that I mentioned about above.  With a new diagnosis the fear of the unknown is real.  I totally understand.  Needing to get second opinions and discover if he is a candidate for the HIPEC surgery/chemo that I had had.  They wanted to hear my story and get some encouragement.  I shared about the gloves.  I shared how I filled my head and heart with verses, worship songs, and Christian podcasts in the months I was in the hospital.  I shared how I clung to Jesus and how even though I fought a rare and aggressive cancer (which he is not fighting) that our God is RARE and AGGRESSIVE too.  I was able to pray for them.  I don't believe God purposely puts us through such heartache but I do believe that he REDEEMS these difficulties and that there are many opportunities for us to walk alongside others who face similar difficulties as we had.  If you are reading this please pray for Aaron as he has a long road ahead of him.

Tonight I gathered with some women from our LOCAL life group through YACC (Young Adults Cancer Canada).  This group is for people ages 18 to 39.  It was neat to be in a room with a number of people who have either fought or are fighting the battle with various forms of cancer.  We can go from sharing about our cancer journeys to laughing and playing games and talking about normal life.  I am thankful for this new group of people I am slowly getting to know.

In May, here in our city, we are having the YACC SURVIVOR'S Conference.  https://youngadultcancer.ca/program/survivor-conference/ To learn more about the survivor conference you can click on the link to read more about it.  It will be a few day conference where we will have sessions and activities.  I believe this will be a great place for my husband to connect with others who are supporters to loved ones facing cancer.  I have had a lot of support over the last 3 yrs and have found many others who I can relate with and talk with about cancer and how it has affected my life but he hasn't necessarily to that same extent.  So I am thankful he's able to join me at this conference. I am thankful to my family who will care for my kids.  I look forward to the sessions and hopefully I will find some ways to help manage the stress and anxiety that I have experienced post cancer diagnosis.  Hopefully sharing my story in a room with many others as well as listening to their stories will bring healing and encouragement as well. 

There will be people from across Canada coming to this conference and I hear the wait list to get in is LONG.  We are doing a number of fundraisers as Team Manitoba to help raise funds for those of us living in MB to be able to help reduce the cost to attend the conference.  If you are looking for something to donate to this is a great cause! https://youngadultcancer.akaraisin.com/pledge/Team/Home.aspx?seid=21166&mid=10&tid=276627 Just click on this link and it will take you to our TEAM Manitoba home page where you can donate. 

December 2019

Wow, I can't believe this year is almost over!  I realize I have been pretty inconsistent with my blog posts.  I find I am usually more on FB or IG these days.  However many of you read my blog who are not on other social media so I want to promise I'll post more this next yr. I have appreciated each of you who take time to read or check in to see how I, we, are doing.  Thank You!

In October I had my CT Scan and it said that there was no evidence of disease.  I am awaiting my tumor marker blood work results.  I get that done a couple times a year since we know that the scans are not always telling the full story of what's going on or what is not going on inside me. 

I continue to be on TPN 3 nights a week.  I am sure the doctors wish I was on more nights a week but I really don't want to be.  Not having a gripper needle in for part of the week feels so much more freeing than it was when I was on TPN 6 nights a week.  We'll see what they say when I see them next week.  At my last appointment they told me that they figured I'd be on TPN for awhile because it seems I can't stay at a good weight.  I was up to 97 lbs but seem to fluctuate now at 93 or 94 lbs.  They realized that going off would mean my body would need to figure out how to absorb those calories I wouldn't be taking in via TPN and well we all know my body has issues with absorption. 

In a couple weeks I will be celebrating my 39th birthday.  1 more year and I will be 40.  Some how knowing that I am so close to 40 stirs up some emotions.  2.5 yrs ago I didn't think i'd make it to see my 40th birthday.  I am so thankful that I am alive and able to see my kids grow up.  I am thankful that I get to tuck them in, listen to their hurting hearts and be there to process with them.  If I hit the big 40 I think I will need to gather with some close friends and family and celebrate!  Next year will be a year of celebrations as my Grandpa turns 100, my Dad turns 70, my uncle 60, my bro in law turns 50 and I turn 40!

A friend sent us a book this week called TEAR SOUP https://www.amazon.ca/Tear-Soup-Recipe-Healing-After/dp/0961519762/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=tear+soup&qid=1575661800&sr=8-1
I highly recommend this book.  Our kids continue to process all of the heartache and loss we have experienced.  My little girl is easily moved to tears when she learns someone else has cancer or when she expresses her fear that I might die or get sick again.  My son doesn't like to talk about our former life before cancer nor the heartache we walked through to get to where we are today.  It's just too painful.  But this book was such a gift.  We cuddled on the couch and read it together.  It enabled us to process some of the pain and grief and actually name it.  I highly recommend this gift for anyone dealing with grief.

I am really enjoying my studies and I look forward to my meetings with my directees.  It's neat to see the Lord meet us in our sessions and I feel like I come alive when I am able to walk alongside others or partake in my classes.  I realize this is truly where the Lord wants me right now.  It's a place where I am gifted but also it is a season where the Lord is growing and maturing my gifts and passions.  He's refining me so I can be a better listener and soul companion for those He brings into my life.  I had the privilege of partaking in a mini online summit my friend Joyce put together this weekend.  Public speaking, or sharing my story to bigger audiences is something I'd love to grow more in and be more brave at doing.

This Christmas we are working through a devotional book daily focusing on the names of God.  I love this time of year.  It's when we get to celebrate my birthday and Christmas.  It's a time of lots of quality time with my little family playing games, sleeping in the living room and just being together.  It's a time to really reflect on the true reason why we celebrate Christmas in the first place.  When I look back on 2019 I would say it was actually a really difficult year, full of much uncertainty, confusion, issues that needed to be dealt with, heartache over things happening with my kids, feeling alone, and wondering what purpose I had.  I am so thankful for my counselor and spiritual director, and a little group of like-minded women that I met with once a month for prayer. It's important for people to find safe people in their lives that they can really share the depths of what's in one's heart.  This is what I long to be for the women that God brings into my life.  I long to be that soul companion helping others find freedom and an awareness of God in their lives.  Come September, when I started my classes there was a little shift.  A friend said they noticed peace and more settledness in me.  Even though other circumstances hadn't really changed the Spirit was at work and enabling me to walk in my calling, to sense His purpose for me, and to change my mindset more to one of gratitude and contentment. I look forward to seeing how the Lord continues to refine me and meet me through my studies and how He'll use this in the future to bless others. 

Midwife to the Soul

     Some times we receive prophetic words and they are not meant for the time they are given to us.  And yes we need to pray about all prophetic words that we hear and test them to make sure they line up with scripture and with God's truth.  Some times we are given a word and we forget about it for while until something reminds us about it.  Some times it's years later that those words are meant for.  Some times we go through a tough season after getting a word and we need to cling to the word that was given to us trusting that God had spoken. 

     Years ago, in summer of 2015 I was sharing in a church about my heart for the women back in the country we were working in.  I shared some of the stories from some of my local friends who were abused by husbands or other family members.  My heart broke for those women and I wanted people back here in Canada to pray for them. 

    After sharing a couple came up to talk to us.  We knew the husband from back in 2004 when we met during our first year of marriage on the TREK program.  This was the first time I had met his wife though.  We talked about our shared passion for counseling and for those who are broken.  She said she had a word for me, "Midwife to the Soul."  I stewed on this for awhile after.  I had prayed and hoped I'd be able to be part of seeing many spiritual births, people surrendering their lives to Jesus. 

    To be honest life went on and then I got sick and we moved back here and I have felt stuck.  I felt like I was just coasting through life trying my best to look and act like a healthy mom so my kids didn't have to worry.  Spending much time trying to help my kids adjust to life in Canada which has not been easy (and my heart has been broken many times over as I have seen my kids struggle to feel accepted by peers or to feel at home here) and trying to do what I can to gain strength and health. I was a "sick" mom who worried my cancer would return.  But something shifted in me this summer as I watched my monarch caterpillars become butterflies.  New life/hope was birthed into my soul.  I felt led to take steps towards my dream of becoming a Spiritual Director.  Over the years I realized that counseling wasn't really what I wanted because my passion was to help people grow in their relationship with Jesus.  I wanted to walk with those who found themselves jaded in their faith due to hard seasons they were in.  I wanted to help people solidify their faith and grow in their prayer lives.  So I used to tell people I either wanted to eventually become a Counselor or a Spiritual Director. 

     I signed up for a 2 yrs course to become a Spiritual Director in August. A lot of the home work can be done from home which is perfect for me.  I will have 5 weekend classes in the city each year.  I start my first weekend class in the city this weekend.  I am really looking forward to it and am praying I'll be awake and alert and my short gut issues will not be bad during this time because I want to get all I can out of what I am being taught.  Finally my gifts and my passions will be able to be used. 

     Well we had to read 2 books so far.  This past week I found this quote in one of my books entitled "Candlelight" by Susan S. Philips, “Several metaphors have been used to describe spiritual direction, and an especially robust one is that of midwifery.  Spiritual directors are present striving to be helpful, as new life stirs in another.  We have been trained to know some of the stages, potential complications, and appropriate emergency procedures, but each birth is a miracle to which we bear witness. We come alongside the person who is laboring, taking risks, and putting a former life on the line for the promise of a new one.”  

      I was just packing my bag as I am going to stay in the city for the nights seeing as I have 2 full days of classes.  I picked up my next book that I am supposed to read and quickly flipped through it.  My eyes caught a title so I looked again and sure enough there the words were as a chapter title: MIDWIFE TO THE SOUL.  It caught my breathe.  I started to cry, joy filled tears.  It was another little confirmation that I am on the right path and this is the direction the Lord has for me in this season of my life.  I look forward to journeying with Him and those He brings into my path for me to walk alongside of.  Today those 4 words have filled my heart with joy and peace.  God's up to something in me and I'm keeping my eyes open and am ready to join Him in whatever that looks like. 

Back to School

Wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote on my blog.  A quick update is that I have continued to sit at around 95 to 96 lbs since January.  I hook up to TPN 3 nights a week.  I have wrestled with anxiety in more ways these past 2 and a half yrs than I have before I got sick.  My hubby asked me the other day how much the whole TPN thing adds to my anxiety.  I think it does add to it some what.  I was able to have 2 weeks off this summer so we could go on a vacation up north to see my family and a vacation to Wisconsin Dells which was wonderful.  I would go back to Wisconsin in a heart beat.  It was so beautiful and we met so many people from Turkey there which felt like a little piece of home brought to us.  Anyways, I see my TPN Dr. at the end of September and I am considering asking them to allow me to have a month off of TPN and see how I fair.  I have a CT scan coming up in October.  I have a hernia or two on my left side above my belly button.  I'm told no surgeon will want to see me about it or try anything at this point for fear they'd make things worse or there would be complications due to all my scar tissue.  So at this point unless it gets worse I need to be careful with heavy lifting, etc. 

Next week my little girl starts school full time.  I'll have 1 kid in elementary school and one in Jr. High.  It's crazy.  My youngest was in tears today.  Her grandma, who was the school librarian, retired and so K is sad. She won't have grandma there to check on her and she's sad she won't have her Kindergarten teacher either, who apparently was always available to give hugs when K was sad.  Transitions and change are hard!  But I'm sure once she gets settled in she'll do just fine as she's social and will be excited to be with her friends.

With both my kids being in school full time I knew I wanted to do something for myself this fall.  I daily live with chronic pain and know my capacity isn't what it used to be but I wanted to focus on something that would help me look forward instead of looking daily at my limitations, would help me use my gifts, and also eventually help my family with some extra income so we could save up what we need to eventually get back to Turkey to say goodbye to our friends there and get the proper closure we didn't get when we left 2 yrs ago. 

When I was pregnant with Isaiah I took a couple of seminary classes towards my Masters in Counseling.  I went back to that seminary this summer to ask if those classes would still be able to count for my Masters and what it would look like to start focusing on finishing that degree.  After a campus tour and visit I felt that I wasn't ready to jump in head first.  I will admit my brain has SLOWED DOWN big time from all me meds, lack of sleep, trauma, etc.  I just didn't think I'd be ready to pump out 20 page papers any time soon.

My first of 4 ER trip visits before I was diagnosed with Cancer was around the time I took at 3 day LIFE COACHING training in November of 2016.  I wanted to finish that and do a 5 day course that was being offered in Seattle.  But by the time I went to apply I was told the course was full and I was put on the wait list.

All the while, I had monarch caterpillars in glass jars in my house.  I would often be found alone, watching them eat, form a J, looking at the chrysalis and waiting for the butterflies to emerge.  In this time I would pray, sit and listen for the Lord's gentle voice and leading in my life.  I felt like he had something new for me.  It was a beautiful experience to watch 4 of them emerge within 20 mins on a Sunday morning.  It was time for new beginnings.

A friend I had met during our DEBRIEF when we returned 2 yrs ago mentioned that she was going to do a SPIRITUAL DIRECTION course in the city.  This totally peeked my interested because for years I would tell people I wanted to eventually pursue my education to be a counselor or a spiritual director.  I knew that in whatever profession I chose I wanted my faith to be evident and my relationship with Jesus to be something I didn't need to shy away from.  Isaiah 61 is my heart.  I have a heart for women and long to see them find freedom in their lives.  I long be there to help walk alongside the brokenhearted and to be a comfort to those in mourning.  I applied for the course and when I had my phone interview the man interviewing me asked me what my experience was with spiritual direction.  I was able to say that I first experienced it right after my first miscarriage.  Through infertility, loss and sickness over the years spiritual direction has helped me seek out Jesus when part of me felt so jaded and alone.  I believe much healing occurred in my heart through Spiritual Direction.  The man interviewing me said he was excited to see where the Lord would take me with this because he said he knows from experience that seasons of loss or infertility or sickness are a time when people wonder what Jesus is up to in their lives.

When I have told a couple of friends about this they have said things like, "That's so you!"  I got my final acceptance today and I am excited to learn and grow in my own walk with Jesus as well as be there to walk alongside others. 

I only need to do 5 weeks in the city in 9 months and the rest I get to do at home so I am happy about that.  The papers won't be as academic as seminary would be.  For now I will do the first yr and after that consider taking the 2nd yr or look into my counseling certificate.  I don't need to stress about the future, I'll take it one day at a time but for now I'm just excited to be able to have space and time to really pour into my giftings, my relationship with Jesus, and to continue to allow Him to work in my heart in areas I need freedom and healing from.  If you think of it please pray for continued healing for all of us from all we've been through, for adjustments for us as I start school and my kiddos transition in school as well. 

Health Update

Yesterday was a full and long day.  Thankfully I managed to be able to have 3 appointments in one day.  This saves on the number of times I need to go into the city but just made the day tiring.

First up was my surgeon.  I had my 4 surgeries done in 2017 overseas but when we moved back last summer I was assigned a surgeon here that I see once a yr in case the cancer were to come back and we'd need to consider surgery again.

This Dr. is young.  My husband thinks he has the best bedside manner of any Dr. we've seen.  And I have seen A LOT over the years.  Usually I have to wait an hour or more to see him past my appointment time, but once I do see him he is so patient and willing to answer any questions that I have.

I have been in pain for over 6 weeks now.  Maybe more like 8 weeks and the pain has seemed to have gotten worse since the holidays.  Now yes, over the holidays I ate more freely, and foods that I knew might hurt me but I wanted to enjoy food too.  However it's not all because of something I ate.  I just know there are nights I am up many times to use the washroom and many times I crawl back into bed, hug a pillow and wimper in pain.  There are days it's so bad I am in tears.  But most people can't see that.  They just see that I look healthier.  And when I look at a picture my daughter has in her room and compare it till now I can see that difference too.  It's amazing how going from 80 lbs to 94 lbs makes a huge difference.  A lot of that weight gain has been hydration but I have also put on weight all thanks to TPN.

January 19th marks 2 years since my appendix was removed and the 26th marks 2 years since I was told I had Goblet Cell Adenocarcinoma.  So after 4 surgeries total I have been told I am NED (there is no evidence of disease on scans and on bloodwork).  The surgeon told me yesterday that it's an aggressive cancer so if it were to come back it is highly likely to come back in the first 2 yrs.  So this means that I might have a better chance of a longer survival because it hasn't shown up in the last 2 years.  He informed me I will still need to be followed up on for years yet to come.  So this is the good news.  But what about all my pain.  Perhaps the HIPEC (hot chemo) did damage to my intestines.  Perhaps the scar tissue is causing issues.  Perhaps my nerves in my intestines that are left have been damaged.  Whatever the case there isn't much we can do.  And if the cancer did come back he's not even sure he could do a second HIPEC on me.  I am on many many different meds and supplements.  Some days I don't get around to taking them all cause I keep forgetting what and when to take them and need to make sure I time everything out right too.  I see my pain doctor next week so will see what he says.  I have a scan in spring to see if anything shows up on there.  I asked him if he has seen anyone with as bad of a short bowel syndrome as I have and he said no.  Guess I am special.

 Notice how tired and boney my face looked in the picture below.  That was a week before we moved back to Canada summer of 2017.

Growing up my Dad always would say, "God loves you and you're special."  When I met with the surgeon I was fighting back tears in our meeting.  I had asked about getting a bag (ileostomy type thing).  I have been considering this and have been praying about if for the last 2 months.  However, he informed me that it wouldn't be a good idea.  He actually said it could be dangerous for me.  That I would become more dehydrated.  That in the process of the surgery I would lose even more bowel of the little I already have.  He worried about too much scar tissue and causing some fistulas inside my body from the surgery.  So I was discouraged and wondered if I would ever experience a day without the pain, discomfort and countless bathroom trips.  

Next we talked about my stress levels (over my health, family issues, and other things) and how that might be contributing to some of the pain.  I have been reading a lot about the whole gut/brain connection so I was kinda happy when the doctor assistant brought that up.  Anyways, due to finances I have not regularly gone to see my counselor.  They are looking into setting me up with someone through cancer care or seeing if I can get my counselor sessions free.  As I was leaving the surgeon's nurse came in.  She told me she was there any time I wanted to talk.  Then she said, "I know it's hard.  You used to "work overseas" right?"  I guess she remembered from before.  When I said yes, the tears came again.  I used to do that and now I struggle to know what to do with my life now.  She told me she was praying for me.  Right there in the office...Yes I was reminded I am special.  That God does love me and I even have health care professionals praying for me.  I am incredibly thankful for the caring medical team God has placed around me.  This is NOT an easy journey but I am also NOT alone!

I am feeling that this year I really need to press into my alone times with Jesus, to reading the Word and to arm myself with His truths.  I don't know how long I have to live so I need to not live life worrying about being politically correct and worrying about offending someone because of my beliefs and love for Jesus, or keeping up with what's all the latest and greatest things in the world.  Instead I need to make sure I sit and soak in HIS presence.  It can be stressful for me to have too much on the go so I am realizing all the more that out of my times with Jesus, He will fill me up and I can pour out from that place.  It's time with HIM that is the first step to working on my stress and health issues.  

The next doctor I saw was my gynecologist.  I see her once a year.  She is really sweet.  I am not pumped at all to be on hormone replacements but she reminded me again of the risks of having a hysterectomy at my age.  Due to how thin and small I am, to the fact that I am on TPN and struggle to absorb my nutrients properly, I am at more of a chance to get a heart attack or a stroke over getting breast cancer. She reminded me again of the importance of daily taking my calcium and Vit. D.  Those things I tend to forget about because I'm too busy taking my other meds.  She also wants me to do more strength training.  This is a year to get healthier emotionally and physically I hope.  

My last appointment was seeing my GI specialist.  We talked about how I have gained 10 lbs since I started TPN in June.  Due to my gut pain and issues starting next week they will increase the nutrients and calories in my TPN bags for a week.  This means I don't have to eat.  They are hoping this gives my gut a break and my intestines a rest.  I will need to eat a little here and there to keep my reactive hypoglycemia at bay.  This is a trial and I will also do this 6 nights and only get 1 night off instead of the 2 nights off that I have been enjoying.  Right now the bare minimum they want me to get to is 97 lbs.  That's only 3 lbs away.  The GI doctor noted that my IRON levels have been dropping over the last 4 visits going from a low 20 down to 12. This could be the reason for my exhaustion, tummy pain, etc.  I will be going next week for an IRON iv infusion which will take a couple of hours.  And my GI Dr. did say he's seen worse cases of short gut than might so I guess that's a positive thing to know it could always be worse.  My TPN nurse also asked me to get used to inserting my own gripper. Right now I have two nurse friends that come and take turns doing it once a week because I can't stand the thought of putting this needle into my tiny port and hoping I get it into the right spot.  I used to be so afraid of needles as a kid I'd go to the health nurse to get them rather than at school.  I would cry my eyes out in fear of needles.  So it will be another step in having to do this to myself.  This gripper needle is in my 5 to 6 days a week.  I was hoping to get off TPN soon but the doctor said, NOT IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

So that was my day yesterday.  I am thankful my hubby took the day off of work to drive me to my appointments and chat with the doctors together with me.  I am thankful for all of you who pray for me regularly. I have been listening to this song lately and soaking on the words.

38 and end of 2018

There have been some thoughts swirling around in my head since my birthday last week.  I remember being in high school and thinking someone who was 38 or close to 40 was really OLD!  Now I am here and realize in 2 yrs I will be 40 yrs old.

So what I am about to share is me being really honest. Please don't read too much into it though. When I was in Jr. and Sr. high I struggled with some depression along with anorexia, loneliness and other things.  I was a pretty morbid thinker in some ways.  Often planning my funerals and who I would want to be my pallbearers (which changed based on friendships changing) or what music I wanted played at my funeral.  When I was around 17/18 years of age, I remember telling my boyfriend, at the time, that I had this thought in my head that I wasn't going to live past the age of 40.  I was really hoping Jesus would return by then.  I was yearning for HIS return already back then.

Years have passed and I received healing for the anorexia and the depression.  I still feel lonely at times but God has blessed me with some incredible friendships near and far.  And I have gotten better at not being so morbid and choosing to think more positively.  I really haven't thought much about being 40 until this past week.  The night before my 38th birthday the reminder of that conversation years prior flooded my memory.  It was like I was plagued with the reality that if that truly was going to happen I now had 2 yrs to fully LIVE.  Ofcourse I ask the Lord for another 20 or more.  I really want to see my kids get baptized, grow up, get married, have kids, etc.  I want to grow old with my husband and see more of the world with my little family.

I have not fully lived life to the fullest this last yr. It has been a very difficult year.  My health continued to be a struggle, had many Dr. appointments, sleepless nights, boughts of pain and exhaustion and ended up having to go on TPN (getting nutrition through my port 5 nights of week).  There has been little peace in my home, especially in the last 5 months or so.  And when the kids would fight with each other or push back at our parenting I had little patience to deal with it in a loving and patient manner.  This resulted in my own tone or impatient/anger adding to the already lacking peace in my home.  My hubby and I had some differing views on a certain topic and we have had to learn to work through that.  I have had some nights where I just wish the Lord would take me so I'd be free of this sickness and pain and where I could spare my family from the burden that I felt I was to them.  I have days where I still wonder why we had to move back to Canada.  What is life supposed to look like for me now?  What good am I like this to those around me.  What do I have to offer when I am so broken.  Is this why some of my friendships have changed...people don't want to be around me like this?  But then I am reminded that for some reason He's keeping me alive.  I have to remind myself that I am doing better than I was a year ago.  I can only hope that this time Dec of 2019 I will be doing even better.  Hopefully by then I will no longer be on TPN and my short gut syndrome will have improved greatly.  I have to remind myself that I have 2 precious kids and an amazing husband who still need their mom and wife around.  I have to choose gratitude and positivity.  I have started to see a counselor that I can cry infront of and be utterly honest with and I have a prayer mentor in my life that I share with from time to time.  We also have an amazing counselor for my kiddos and our last session was a family session.  It was so good for the 4 of us to work together with her.  We are not perfect.  I won't ever claim to be.  I need Jesus cause without him I don't know where I'd be.  I am working on MINDSET.  It's something I am trying to teach my kids and something I have had to work on as well for myself.  And on January 25th I am looking forward to attending a SET FREE conference as I know there are a number of areas in my life that I need to find freedom and healing in.

So, No I don't think I will die in 2 yrs.  But those thoughts have floated in my head and it has made me look at life and my family differently these past 2 weeks.  I have chosen to really make family time special even when all I wanted to do was be alone and lie in bed.  Even when I did not feel well I made sure we went sled shopping on my B-day so we could enjoy that evening sledding together the 4 of us.  I have forced myself to "have it together" in a sense around my kids as best as I can knowing that my little girl still has a hard time with me needing nurses to come into my home weekly and monthly to give me needles and help with TPN stuff.  I have recognized the different character issues/areas in my life that I need to work on as well.  Truly humbling and now I pray for the energy to do the hard work at learning how to manage my stress levels and allowing the Lord to refine my character to be more of his likeness.

This past week has been pretty wonderful.  No commitments, no gatherings, just the 4 of us and it's been good for us to have quality time together with much more peace in our home.  It's been a breath of much needed fresh air.  That said, I am little worried how it will go once my hubby is back to work full time and school and after school activities start up again (not that my kids have too much going on in the week). 

 My little girl though can be found at time to time with her head hung low or curled in a corner and saying she misses her grandpa who died before she turned 1.  I think it's her way of expressing all the grief she feels over missing our friends and life overseas, her grandpa and as she puts it "him not being able to see her grow up" and her struggling to see me still needing my needles and port. So I long to bring normalcy for her.

I am someone who feels stressed with a messy/cluttered home.  I am working at de-cluttering and wanting to take more steps in the New Year to be of a more minamilistic mindset.  To be honest I would far rather travel or create memories with my kids than to have stuff.  I am also realizing that I need to let go of my expectations and just BE.

And this past weekend as I asked the Lord what word He wants for me in 2019 I found myself on my knees as tears rolled down my cheeks.  I have been hearing the word "light" for weeks now.  A desire to be a light to my kids and have the light of Jesus flow out of me to them and thus to others.  To know He is my light in the darkness and to bring the light/love of Jesus to those walking in darkness.  But then I listened to a talk online from the IHOP OneThing2018 weekend.  Someone shared the verse from Isaiah 62:4-5. This person said, "Hephzibah the Lord delights in you!"  He challenged us to insert our name.  To soak in the knowledge that God delights in us as we are...no matter what we have or have not done.  I sat on my knees soaking in the knowledge that He delights in me.

So my word for 2019...DELIGHT.  And light is in that word.  I want to delight myself in The presence of Jesus.  I sat in the red chair in the corner of the living room before the rest woke up today journaling, reflecting and sitting with Jesus.  This I want to do more of.  I am So so hungry for more of Jesus and less of me.  I just get in the way afterall.  I am so craving the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, family, church and community.  I also want to delight more in the knowledge that He Delights In Me! Zephaniah 3:17.

And then I want to delight more in my kids and hubby.  To stop the tasks I am doing and delight more in what it is they want to show me or tell me.  To be a more present mom.  Here's to 2019.