I find myself overcome with thankfulness today. I may not be America but I can still be thankful, right? As I read my devotions today, as I thought about some things I am thankful for, I found my eyes getting a little wet.
In one month it will be my birthday. I remember last year, getting together with some dear friends to celebrate my birthday but I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to attend the evening seeing as I was in so much pain and was feeling so ill. Little did I know then that the pain was due to cancer. It's been 8 months since my last surgery. I weighed in at almost 84 lbs last week. That's a whole lot better than the 77lbs I was at back in April and May. There are still so many different doctor appointments I have, meds I am taking, and post surgery issues we are trying to deal with but today I am thankful I AM ALIVE!
Psalm 107
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. For his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble." (vs 1-2 ESV) "Hngry and thirsty, they fainted. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He rescued them from their distresses." (vs 5-6 AMP)
A number of times in this Psalm is says, "Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He brought them out of their distresses." I am so thankful that I have a Savior who is my friend. He was there when all around me it felt dark and lonely and painful and hard. He didn't leave me nor forsake me. He was there when I cried out to Him and He rescued me. He brought me out of that valley of the shadow of death. He has carried me and He continues to do so.
I am thankful for life. I am thankful for all my family and friends who have walked with me and my family and carried us, prayed for us, fed us, and helped us in this last year. I am thankful for my husband who has been so selfless and helpful through all of this. I am thankful for a lot and the list could go on but mostly today I am thankful for LIFE! For He came to bring LIFE and to bring LIFE to the full.
Thursday, 23 November 2017
Wednesday, 8 November 2017
The Cancer Story Part 3
So I was in the hospital at first for 2 weeks. Every day begging to have tubes removed, every day asking the Dr when I could go home. He was a gifted surgeon and literally felt and discovered my microscopic tumors. However, he did not have the best bedside manner and didn't always take time to answer my questions, or explain things unless my husband was in the room with me. This was frustrating. I remember discovering the sad side effects of not having a colon. I was spending much of my time in those first 2 weeks getting help out of the bed, having to drag all my tubes and the TPN line with me to the bathroom, sitting there and dealing with the runs, feeling actually like I had no muscle control over that situation, and then getting back into my bed, which was a process, only to need help to get back out of bed like 20 or 30 minutes later. The doctors were playing around with my pain meds and also with anti-diarrhea meds. Not a lot seemed to be helping. I would buzz the staff often asking if it was time for pain or anti-diarrhea meds yet.
Finally after 2 weeks of being in the hospital and slowly having tubes removed, they took out the catheter but I still had a drainage tube in me. However the day I returned home I ended up in horrible pain. That night my husband took me into the ER. I was screaming off and on for the hour drive to the hospital due to the pain and because of the runs, I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the hospital in time. I was given pain meds and sent home. The next day I saw my Dr. for a check-up but ended up getting admitted because of the pain and also because it appeared that I wasn't outputting enough urine into my catheter. I was in tears. I didn't want to go back in to the hospital and I did not want to go no TPN again. That night I was in so much pain I couldn't sit, stand, or even get into my bed. I can't describe the pain. It was unlike any pain I had ever felt before. I would scream in pain, my eyes would roll back into my head as I felt like passing out or falling over from the pain. The nurses would come into my room and tell me they could hear me in the hall but it wasn't time yet for more pain meds. I found myself crying out to God, begging Him to either heal me or take me. I was so ready at that point to get to heaven and be free from this suffering and be in a place I have longed for. I would listen to Chris Tomlin's song "Home" and long to go to Heaven. The thought of dying and being in my Savior's presence brought me much settled peace. I wasn't afraid. Yet I knew I had a husband and kids who weren't ready for me to die yet.
I finally I remember the next morning three doctors came to my room, they did an ultrasound on me and then in the local language we heard, "Wow, that's a lot of fluid!" My now fairly empty abdomen was filling up with fluid.
That's when things happened very quickly as within minutes a catheter was placed in me again, much to my dismay because I actually found it really painful when it was in before. And then right there in my hospital bed, they re-cut open one of my sites where I had a drainage tube and they put in a new drain. Within seconds it filled up with fluid. I was then taken down to day surgery where they inserted another drainage tube. I was in tears. I had just been released days before. This meant I would have to stay in the hospital and be away from my kids and my husband longer. At some point I went for a CT scan of some sort where they discovered the fluid was coming from my bladder which appeared to have been nicked during surgery. This meant that that fluid was actually partly urine...gross!!
So I stayed in the hospital for almost a week and then I was sent home with the drainage tubes and the catheter still in me and if I had to use the washroom I had to wake up my husband to help me get up, carry all my tubes, and help me in the bathroom. We both were lacking so much sleep. However, a few days later I was back in the hospital. I was unable to keep food down due to my stomach being sensitive to food, tastes, smells and to the side effects of the strong pain meds I was on. I was continuing to lose weight. They eventually cut me off the strong pain meds due to the side effects (causing me to throw up, etc) and i was forced to have to be ok on just Tylenol type meds. Each time I would beg to go home. My little girl was having such a hard time not having me at home. If friends brought her to see me she'd scream and throw a fit when it was time to leave me at the hospital.
Near the start of the cancer fight my husband bought me boxing gloves. It's something my sister-in-law had bought my Father-in-law when he was battling his own cancer fight a few yrs prior. Over time a few of my friends signed those pink gloves and they are now on display in my home. But I remember one day I was so frail and so weak, and SO so ready to go be with Jesus. My wonderful husband made me put those gloves on, even though I didn't feel like I had fight in me, he took a picture of me and sent it to my friends asking them to pray for me. Finally after 4 weeks of this in and out of the hospital my husband finally asked the Dr. what we were gonna do about the bladder tear.
The day before this my Doctor, who had delivered my daughter a couple yrs prior, came to see me. She told me I should ask the surgeon about doing a day surgery to fix the tear and said that often even obgyn's nick bladders during c-sections, etc and it's an easy thing to repair. So when my husband asked the surgeon if we could consider surgery he told us to give him 24 yrs to think about it. It was almost a relief when he came back that next day to tell us we'd have surgery again. Not that I wanted to go under the knife once again but I wanted to fix this problem so I could begin to heal and move on.
I was in the hospital for another week healing from that surgery. The first night I was told I couldn't get out of bed. My legs were placed in some sort of casing that was there to try to keep the blood flow going since I wasn't able to get up. Remember, I have no colon so I was needing to go frequently to the bathroom. This meant that my wonderful, servant-hearted hubby spent that night bed panning me together with the nurse or with a dear friend who came for a couple of hours to help out. Yep it was not my favorite moments but I fell in love with my husband even more. And then the next day he sent me this song: My Only Love by Matt Maher. I had tears in my eyes as I listened to it. It was humbling to say the least. After another week in the hospital I was able to go home. However I continued to struggle with pain and with eating. I remember one day my husband came walking into the room, taking one look at me and being worried. He didn't say it then but he wondered if he was gonna lose me. My skin was greyish in color and I was around 77 lbs. He later told me the look of my skin and on my face reminded him of what his Dad looked like on his death bed. I was weak and frail and unable to do much. When we went for a check-up he was relieved I was readmitted. Though again he didn't say anything because I was so disheartened that I had to stay again. At this point my veins were so small and I was so dehydrated that it was hard for them to put TPN back into me and thy struggled to even insert it in my the vein in my neck.
I knew that 6 weeks with the catheter wasn't helping me heal any faster. That night I begged the Dr. to remove it. He did but then this meant that I was up for the washroom about every half hr for sure peeing. My bladder had to learn how to work on it's own without having the use of a catheter. After about 5 more days I was finally released to go home. This was April 13th. My goal was to be home for my son's birthday and that I was. I was so thankful for my girl friends who helped to put things together for my son's birthday party since I was in no shape to plan or even attend the party.
Due to all the hospital stays, frequent bathroom trips, crappy hospital toilet paper, etc I had a horrible and totally painful and big fissure. This hindered me from being able to sit or really be able to do much and took till June to really heal.
When I look back on those moments I can hardly believe I made it through all of that suffering. And now that Christmas is just around the corner I am excited to put ornaments on our tree. Each year we get an ornament to describe and tell a story from that year. I made this appendix cancer ribbon (well I painted it) and I look forward to December 1st when we will set up the tree and I can put this ornament on the tree with a whole lot of gratefulness that I am alive to celebrate Christmas together with my family.
Finally after 2 weeks of being in the hospital and slowly having tubes removed, they took out the catheter but I still had a drainage tube in me. However the day I returned home I ended up in horrible pain. That night my husband took me into the ER. I was screaming off and on for the hour drive to the hospital due to the pain and because of the runs, I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the hospital in time. I was given pain meds and sent home. The next day I saw my Dr. for a check-up but ended up getting admitted because of the pain and also because it appeared that I wasn't outputting enough urine into my catheter. I was in tears. I didn't want to go back in to the hospital and I did not want to go no TPN again. That night I was in so much pain I couldn't sit, stand, or even get into my bed. I can't describe the pain. It was unlike any pain I had ever felt before. I would scream in pain, my eyes would roll back into my head as I felt like passing out or falling over from the pain. The nurses would come into my room and tell me they could hear me in the hall but it wasn't time yet for more pain meds. I found myself crying out to God, begging Him to either heal me or take me. I was so ready at that point to get to heaven and be free from this suffering and be in a place I have longed for. I would listen to Chris Tomlin's song "Home" and long to go to Heaven. The thought of dying and being in my Savior's presence brought me much settled peace. I wasn't afraid. Yet I knew I had a husband and kids who weren't ready for me to die yet.
I finally I remember the next morning three doctors came to my room, they did an ultrasound on me and then in the local language we heard, "Wow, that's a lot of fluid!" My now fairly empty abdomen was filling up with fluid.
That's when things happened very quickly as within minutes a catheter was placed in me again, much to my dismay because I actually found it really painful when it was in before. And then right there in my hospital bed, they re-cut open one of my sites where I had a drainage tube and they put in a new drain. Within seconds it filled up with fluid. I was then taken down to day surgery where they inserted another drainage tube. I was in tears. I had just been released days before. This meant I would have to stay in the hospital and be away from my kids and my husband longer. At some point I went for a CT scan of some sort where they discovered the fluid was coming from my bladder which appeared to have been nicked during surgery. This meant that that fluid was actually partly urine...gross!!
So I stayed in the hospital for almost a week and then I was sent home with the drainage tubes and the catheter still in me and if I had to use the washroom I had to wake up my husband to help me get up, carry all my tubes, and help me in the bathroom. We both were lacking so much sleep. However, a few days later I was back in the hospital. I was unable to keep food down due to my stomach being sensitive to food, tastes, smells and to the side effects of the strong pain meds I was on. I was continuing to lose weight. They eventually cut me off the strong pain meds due to the side effects (causing me to throw up, etc) and i was forced to have to be ok on just Tylenol type meds. Each time I would beg to go home. My little girl was having such a hard time not having me at home. If friends brought her to see me she'd scream and throw a fit when it was time to leave me at the hospital.
Near the start of the cancer fight my husband bought me boxing gloves. It's something my sister-in-law had bought my Father-in-law when he was battling his own cancer fight a few yrs prior. Over time a few of my friends signed those pink gloves and they are now on display in my home. But I remember one day I was so frail and so weak, and SO so ready to go be with Jesus. My wonderful husband made me put those gloves on, even though I didn't feel like I had fight in me, he took a picture of me and sent it to my friends asking them to pray for me. Finally after 4 weeks of this in and out of the hospital my husband finally asked the Dr. what we were gonna do about the bladder tear.
The day before this my Doctor, who had delivered my daughter a couple yrs prior, came to see me. She told me I should ask the surgeon about doing a day surgery to fix the tear and said that often even obgyn's nick bladders during c-sections, etc and it's an easy thing to repair. So when my husband asked the surgeon if we could consider surgery he told us to give him 24 yrs to think about it. It was almost a relief when he came back that next day to tell us we'd have surgery again. Not that I wanted to go under the knife once again but I wanted to fix this problem so I could begin to heal and move on.
I knew that 6 weeks with the catheter wasn't helping me heal any faster. That night I begged the Dr. to remove it. He did but then this meant that I was up for the washroom about every half hr for sure peeing. My bladder had to learn how to work on it's own without having the use of a catheter. After about 5 more days I was finally released to go home. This was April 13th. My goal was to be home for my son's birthday and that I was. I was so thankful for my girl friends who helped to put things together for my son's birthday party since I was in no shape to plan or even attend the party.
Due to all the hospital stays, frequent bathroom trips, crappy hospital toilet paper, etc I had a horrible and totally painful and big fissure. This hindered me from being able to sit or really be able to do much and took till June to really heal.
When I look back on those moments I can hardly believe I made it through all of that suffering. And now that Christmas is just around the corner I am excited to put ornaments on our tree. Each year we get an ornament to describe and tell a story from that year. I made this appendix cancer ribbon (well I painted it) and I look forward to December 1st when we will set up the tree and I can put this ornament on the tree with a whole lot of gratefulness that I am alive to celebrate Christmas together with my family.
Thursday, 2 November 2017
The Cancer Story Part 2
Before I continue with the story I just want to say I notice many are reading but I am curious who you are so please don't be afraid to leave a comment. I'd love to know who's reading. Plus I need to decide if this blog will remain public or if I will make it private.
Anyways, after my 2nd surgery (the right hemicolectomy) I was told by the surgeon that I would need to meet with an oncologist and consider systemic chemo. After watching my Father-in-law deal with cancers, surgeries and chemo for 10 years I was not eager to take chemo. I had a number of friends send me links to a certain blog about one man who claimed he beat Cancer without chemo, eating naturally, being on a strict diet and taking certain supplements, etc. I had friends calling me trying to tell me about people in their lives who just had surgery and no chemo and that they lived. I felt pressured. I had friends who wanted me to take chemo and didn't like that I was wrestling with what was best for me and my family. If I only had a few years to live I wanted quality of life and to be able to enjoy what was left rather than live with the side effects of chemo and have little quality of life till the end. I had contacted my family doctor back in Canada to ask what his suggestions would be. He informed me that in 35 years of his practise he had only met one one other person who had this type of cancer. The hospital where I had my surgery done had only seen 2 other cases of my cancer before me.
On top of this we went to the recommended oncologist. I had a number of questions for him. He hadn't seen my type of cancer and had not done any research. His recommendation was to put me on 6 months of IV chemo but it was the kind that was recommended to give to colon cancer patients. He seemed VERY annoyed at my questions. And at one point told me that if I had more questions I should book another appointment with him as he had other patients waiting. I knew at that point hat I wasn't going to use him as my oncologist. The more research I did on my cancer the more I realized how rare this was. There are a few different type of appendix cancers but Goblet Cell is pretty rare.
I mentioned in my last post that we were blessed with a landlord who understood pathology reports, etc. He did a lot of research on my type of cancer and was actually pushing me to do HIPEC (Click on this link to see a neat video explaining Hipec). He went with us to a few doctors to ask their opinions, being willing to translate for us if needed. I had sent my pathology report to the doctor who delivered my daughter a few years prior. She spoke great English and helped me to translate my pathology report as well. She started working at a high class hospital where some of the top doctors were working. She had taken my report and sent it to the surgeon and an oncologist at her hospital.
We saw another doctor who suggested we didn't need HIPEC but that I take systemic chemo that is used in Lung cancer patients. Because of the rarity of my cancer there isn't as many studies or research done to know life expectancy or what chemos work best, etc. Again I felt uneasy because I knew I didn't have lung cancer. By the end of the week I was tired from all the different doctor and hospital visits and I was warming up to the idea of HIPEC. In the end I saw the surgeon that Doctor Deniz (the one who delivered my daughter) recommended. He informed me that he had seen one other case of Goblet Cell in his life and that person seemed to be more advanced that what we assumed I was and after surgery this person was still living. He highly recommended doing HIPEC. I knew that worst case scenario I would lose some organs but we had all hoped that wouldn't be the case and just a bit more of my intestines would need to go.
So there I was, already under 100 lbs, my surgery wounds were not healed yet and we were talking about the next surgery. We planned it for February 28th. At first I was told I would be in the hospital for a week and the surgery should last only about 5 hrs. Well I ended up in there for 8 hrs. My surgeon was gifted in that he felt around my organs and was able to feel and removed 15-20 "lesions" (small tumors) as he called it that were all 5mm or less. Later I learned that usually tumors under a CM do not show up on Petscans, MRI's etc. This meant I lost all of my large intestine, I had a complete hysterectomy, the rest of my omentum was taken and my peritoneal wall (the balloon that holds all your organs inside your abdomen. It was an 8 hr surgery. I remember waking up in ICU in so much pain. I didn't know what had all happened. I had a tube down my nose into my stomach to pump out the gross stuff that was in there from surgery. I wanted to see my husband. He was eventually allowed to only see me for 5 minutes. Enough for him to break the news to me of how extensive this all was. Prior to surgery I wasn't given a choice if I wanted a bag or a resection of my bowels. I just woke up with a resection which, at first I thought was the better option, but later I discovered that the large intestine is the part that absorbs the liquid from foods and without that it now meant I would be dealing with chronic runs.
It was after the surgeon informed my husband of the extent of my cancer that my husband felt the Holy Spirit speaking to him and giving him peace and in a sense a release from our work overseas and a blessing to move back to Canada. Though my hubby didn't tell me this for about a week. The oncologist over there told us that we needed to be in a place where there would be limited stress, where I could get good sleep, exercise and eat well. We knew living in a mega city of 22 million people where there was political unrest and terrorist attacks happening that perhaps staying there wasn't the best option. That said, it was a hard decision to actually move back to Canada.
The day after surgery we got an email from dear friends of ours. This email continues to be an encouragement to me and I actually shared it with friends just this week.
Here it is: "So you woke up this morning sick as all hell. You might be thinking about recovery, what you have lost, fears of what may or may not happen, sad about the course of the surgery, wondering and maybe worrying and thinking about any number of different things. Your cut up and have intentionally had poison put in your body and your tired and all kinds of crap. i DON'T EVEN KNOW! I can't even imagine!
I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. Oh that was hard. I started out with 8 different tubes coming out of my body and each day I would beg the surgeon to remove a tube. In hindsight I see I rushed the healing process which only caused more setbacks. It was so hard for my kids. One didn't want to see me with tubes and didn't want to even touch me. The other would cry every time they had to say good-bye. I was BLESSED to have my dear friends over there surround me with love, support, meals, taking me kids for sleep overs or play dates, visiting me in the hospital, helping out whoever they could. I miss those friends who because like family as they helped during such a dark season in our lives. A dear friend from BC flew out to help during those 2 weeks. She swapped off with my husband to take turns staying with the kids or staying with me at the hospital as I needed a lot of help to get up to use the washroom which at that point initially was almost every 20 to 40 minutes. What a gift to be loved and cared for in such practical ways.
This is getting long so I'll continue with Part 3 later....
Anyways, after my 2nd surgery (the right hemicolectomy) I was told by the surgeon that I would need to meet with an oncologist and consider systemic chemo. After watching my Father-in-law deal with cancers, surgeries and chemo for 10 years I was not eager to take chemo. I had a number of friends send me links to a certain blog about one man who claimed he beat Cancer without chemo, eating naturally, being on a strict diet and taking certain supplements, etc. I had friends calling me trying to tell me about people in their lives who just had surgery and no chemo and that they lived. I felt pressured. I had friends who wanted me to take chemo and didn't like that I was wrestling with what was best for me and my family. If I only had a few years to live I wanted quality of life and to be able to enjoy what was left rather than live with the side effects of chemo and have little quality of life till the end. I had contacted my family doctor back in Canada to ask what his suggestions would be. He informed me that in 35 years of his practise he had only met one one other person who had this type of cancer. The hospital where I had my surgery done had only seen 2 other cases of my cancer before me.
On top of this we went to the recommended oncologist. I had a number of questions for him. He hadn't seen my type of cancer and had not done any research. His recommendation was to put me on 6 months of IV chemo but it was the kind that was recommended to give to colon cancer patients. He seemed VERY annoyed at my questions. And at one point told me that if I had more questions I should book another appointment with him as he had other patients waiting. I knew at that point hat I wasn't going to use him as my oncologist. The more research I did on my cancer the more I realized how rare this was. There are a few different type of appendix cancers but Goblet Cell is pretty rare.
I mentioned in my last post that we were blessed with a landlord who understood pathology reports, etc. He did a lot of research on my type of cancer and was actually pushing me to do HIPEC (Click on this link to see a neat video explaining Hipec). He went with us to a few doctors to ask their opinions, being willing to translate for us if needed. I had sent my pathology report to the doctor who delivered my daughter a few years prior. She spoke great English and helped me to translate my pathology report as well. She started working at a high class hospital where some of the top doctors were working. She had taken my report and sent it to the surgeon and an oncologist at her hospital.
We saw another doctor who suggested we didn't need HIPEC but that I take systemic chemo that is used in Lung cancer patients. Because of the rarity of my cancer there isn't as many studies or research done to know life expectancy or what chemos work best, etc. Again I felt uneasy because I knew I didn't have lung cancer. By the end of the week I was tired from all the different doctor and hospital visits and I was warming up to the idea of HIPEC. In the end I saw the surgeon that Doctor Deniz (the one who delivered my daughter) recommended. He informed me that he had seen one other case of Goblet Cell in his life and that person seemed to be more advanced that what we assumed I was and after surgery this person was still living. He highly recommended doing HIPEC. I knew that worst case scenario I would lose some organs but we had all hoped that wouldn't be the case and just a bit more of my intestines would need to go.
So there I was, already under 100 lbs, my surgery wounds were not healed yet and we were talking about the next surgery. We planned it for February 28th. At first I was told I would be in the hospital for a week and the surgery should last only about 5 hrs. Well I ended up in there for 8 hrs. My surgeon was gifted in that he felt around my organs and was able to feel and removed 15-20 "lesions" (small tumors) as he called it that were all 5mm or less. Later I learned that usually tumors under a CM do not show up on Petscans, MRI's etc. This meant I lost all of my large intestine, I had a complete hysterectomy, the rest of my omentum was taken and my peritoneal wall (the balloon that holds all your organs inside your abdomen. It was an 8 hr surgery. I remember waking up in ICU in so much pain. I didn't know what had all happened. I had a tube down my nose into my stomach to pump out the gross stuff that was in there from surgery. I wanted to see my husband. He was eventually allowed to only see me for 5 minutes. Enough for him to break the news to me of how extensive this all was. Prior to surgery I wasn't given a choice if I wanted a bag or a resection of my bowels. I just woke up with a resection which, at first I thought was the better option, but later I discovered that the large intestine is the part that absorbs the liquid from foods and without that it now meant I would be dealing with chronic runs.
It was after the surgeon informed my husband of the extent of my cancer that my husband felt the Holy Spirit speaking to him and giving him peace and in a sense a release from our work overseas and a blessing to move back to Canada. Though my hubby didn't tell me this for about a week. The oncologist over there told us that we needed to be in a place where there would be limited stress, where I could get good sleep, exercise and eat well. We knew living in a mega city of 22 million people where there was political unrest and terrorist attacks happening that perhaps staying there wasn't the best option. That said, it was a hard decision to actually move back to Canada.
The day after surgery we got an email from dear friends of ours. This email continues to be an encouragement to me and I actually shared it with friends just this week.
Here it is: "So you woke up this morning sick as all hell. You might be thinking about recovery, what you have lost, fears of what may or may not happen, sad about the course of the surgery, wondering and maybe worrying and thinking about any number of different things. Your cut up and have intentionally had poison put in your body and your tired and all kinds of crap. i DON'T EVEN KNOW! I can't even imagine!
You're sick as all hell. But you won't always be. Tomorrow you will be better, albeit very, very slightly. And if tomorrow is too far away. In an hour you will be slightly better. Minute by excrutiating minute the Ld is working a miracle through you - in your healing, in your heart, in your marriage and family. His name will be glorified and he has chosen you guys to channel it through in an extraordinary day.
I read something today that made me think of you guys and your determination and faith. It's not terribly religious, but I'm going to write it for you anyway because as I read it I thought to myself, "the enemy is trying to shut them down."
Here it is:
"Be the person that when you wake up and your feet hit the floor, the devil says, "Ah, Shit. They're up." Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
So. Pray. Lean on each other. Take a nap. And when you wake up?
Go kick cancer's ass.
There were days I had little strength left and days I was ready to meet my Savior in heaven and days I didn't know if I could get out of bed. But then I would remember this email and knew that I needed to get my feet on the floor! I wasn't gonna let the enemy win this battle!
I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. Oh that was hard. I started out with 8 different tubes coming out of my body and each day I would beg the surgeon to remove a tube. In hindsight I see I rushed the healing process which only caused more setbacks. It was so hard for my kids. One didn't want to see me with tubes and didn't want to even touch me. The other would cry every time they had to say good-bye. I was BLESSED to have my dear friends over there surround me with love, support, meals, taking me kids for sleep overs or play dates, visiting me in the hospital, helping out whoever they could. I miss those friends who because like family as they helped during such a dark season in our lives. A dear friend from BC flew out to help during those 2 weeks. She swapped off with my husband to take turns staying with the kids or staying with me at the hospital as I needed a lot of help to get up to use the washroom which at that point initially was almost every 20 to 40 minutes. What a gift to be loved and cared for in such practical ways.
This is getting long so I'll continue with Part 3 later....
Wednesday, 1 November 2017
The Cancer Story Part 1
For many of you, who have walked with me this last year you know this story well. But for the sake of my kids, who I hope will read this one day, I wanted to write it out so they can one day read about it. I do hope and pray I will have many years yet. That I will grow old and see my kids get married and have kids. I know that this cancer is rare and aggressive. I had a Dr. appointment this week with a new Dr. for some surgery related stuff and that appointment was over an hr and a half long as 4 or 5 different nurses or doctors wanted to talk to me, weigh me, inform me that I was underweight, hear my health history, etc. The resident was a little fascinated I think with how complicated my story is and said she's only heard about my type of cancer once and that was in a medical book she read for school.
So it all started last September (2016). I was tired, not feeling well, felt like my hair was starting to fall out a bit and after talking to a friend who was wrestling with 7 different auto-immune diseases I figured I should go see my endocrinologist and get my thyroid levels checked again. After some blood work and the 3 hr fasting test I was told my hypothyroidism has moved into Hoshimoto's (auto-immune) and that I had Reactive Hypoglycemia. The news of this stressed me out. Why? Well I researched how I should eat. One diet said to avoid foods like potatoes, and white rice and things that would spike my blood sugar. It suggested eating lots of broccoli and cauliflower and foods in the cruciferous family. The other diet said to avoid or really limit foods in the cruciferous family. Some things one diet said to eat and the other diet said to avoid. I was stressed and for 36 hrs after diagnosis my hands and feet were numb. Later I realized it was from stress. Thankfully a close friend of mine also had the same diagnosis a few yrs prior so she was willing to help me figure out what I could or couldn't eat. She answered MANY of my questions. We lived overseas at this time so I had to try to figure out how to read food labels in the local language as well and to learn how to cook more from scratch. I began to lose weight as I basically cut out or really limit my sugars and sweets and I tried to go gluten free. I went from 117 down to about 110 or less by the end of the year. At first I felt good as the stubborn love handles were gone and I felt good about myself as I was working out and working on being healthy through diet and exercise. But then the weight kept coming off and one day my wedding ring fell off in the clothing store. I guess that's when I realized I had been losing too much weight.
But then I noticed if I ate some sweets I would get some pains in my gut. One day, at the gym, I almost felt like passing out and I had some sharp pains in my gut and had to go home early. We went to a dinner theater one night I think in late November or early December with dear friends of ours. By now I was having more of these painful attacks and my friend looked at me and said, "Rebekah I am concerned and think they have misdiagnosed you. What is there is something else wrong instead?"
December 6, 2017 I had a lot of pain in my gut. I felt constipated and bloated. My hubby ran out to the pharmacy to get me laxatives in an effort to help me sleep. That next day I hopped into a taxi with 2 of my friends to go to the other side of the city as we shared a hotel and attended a 3 day seminar on Life Coaching Training. I was in pain. The pain was under my ribs and throughout those 3 days of training I was often found sitting in the chair holding my hand over my diaphragm. Some people suggested perhaps I had an ulcer or something so my dear friends went with me to the ER one evening. It wasn't the nicest hospital. And because it was at night they couldn't take an x-ray or scan. So I was given pain meds for 3 hrs and eventually was told it was gastritis. I couldn't sleep due to the pain and after the training, once home, I ended up back in the E.R as the pain was only increasing. I heard loud noises going on in my intestines and wasn't sure what was up. Thankfully where we lived it was never a long wait to get into a hospital bed in the ER. I had a topography ct scan and was told I had some small kidney stones. So off I went home, assuming this was the cause and hoping they'd eventually pass.
I was already seeing a dietitian about how I could figure out the best way to eat for the Hypoglycemia and the Hoshimoto's. She didn't like that I was losing weight so together in her Broken English and my Broken Tsh we tried to figure out a plan for what I could eat. Now with the news of kidney stones there were new foods I needed to avoid and new ones I needed to eat. I have never enjoyed cooking and so having to constantly figure out all these dietary needs was stressful. Looking back I am sure that stress didn't help my health at the time.
I was back in the ER later in December as one day I had puked about 15 times and had the runs real bad. My hubby was on the other side of the city. A friend came with me to the ER in a taxi as I could barely walk out the door by myself and was thankful I had a bucket along with me in the taxi. After spending a day in the ER, and having to give a stool sample, I was told that there was a lot of mucus found in the stool sample which meant I had a bowel infection. Now looking back, and understanding my type of cancer, that mucus could have been a sign that there was something else wrong but I didn't see a Gastroenterologist at the time. My dear friend sat with me that whole day. She was the same one who a few weeks earlier wondered if I was misdiagnosed.
I went home with antibiotics but still dealt with the pain, the runs, the noises in my intestines, the sharp pains and the nausea at times. I couldn't sleep at night as I was writhing in pain most of the nights. I saw a urologist and he assured me that the kidney stones I had were so small and they shouldn't be the cause of the pain I was having. I went back to the ER once again because the pain was only getting worse. It was here they told me I should see a Gastroenterologist.
So in January I saw one. I am thankful things moved fast in that country. Within days she performed an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. She was wondering if I had IBS or Crones but in the end she said the only abnormal thing she found was a small stricture where the large intestine connected with the small intestine. She did a biopsy and ordered and MRI just to make sure. The biopsy came back clear. The MRI didn't show anything abnormal (since then I have come to learn that this cancer doesn't normally show up on MRI's and other scans at times). I knew I was born with some bowel issues so just guessed perhaps that stricture was something I was born with. Later I realize that stricture is what was causing a lot of pain as well because foods couldn't travel through so easily through that narrow opening. After a few more days I saw the Dr. again and said, "There must be something wrong. I am in so much pain. Could it be endometriosis or issues with my gull bladder?" So she sent me to the best Ultrasound Tech that she knew. When I look back and see how many tests and hospital visits I had in just over a month before my cancer was found I am so so thankful that I was not living in Canada at the time. Things moved so much faster there and overall I had great care.
January 19th, during the ultrasound, the Tech told me my kidneys were clear, no sign of any stones but then he noticed my appendix was appearing on the screen like a bulls-eye which was a sure sign of appendicitis. I was unable to go home that day. Instead I ended up having an emergency appendectomy. Finally, I thought, finally this must have been the cause of my pain all this time. Well when the Dr. came to see me he informed me that my appendix looked abnormal. Remember he was telling me this in his broken English and his Tsh so I was trying to ask questions and understand all the mdical terminology. He also explained that part of my small intestine looked abnormal as well from the outside, which is where that stricture was. They sent it away to pathology and I went home to heal up from my surgery not thinking too much about it. When I went in for a routine check-up a week later my hubby stopped at the coffee shop in the hospital to grab a coffee and I headed into the office to get my bandages removed and find out the results of the pathology.
We had tickets purchased to watch "La La Land." We were gonna go watch it after I saw the Dr. I asked the Dr. how things were and he said, "Well, it was abnormal and a tumor was found." In shock I asked him to wait until I could find my husband. Together we learned that I had cancer. It was an appendix cancer called Goblet Cell Carcinoid Cancer. It had infilterated my appendix and was moving into my small intestine, thus causing the stricture. At first they told me it was a slow growing kind. I realize that the Tsh people usually don't like to tell you how bad something is at first. We were shocked. If anyone in our family was gonna get cancer we had thought it would be my husband (due to family history of cancer) and not me. Because things move fast they told me they'd like to do a further surgery a week later. It was called a Right Hemicoloctomy where they would remove part of my colon and some of my small intestine and part of my omentum in an attempt to try to remove any residual cancer.
So after not fully recovering from my first surgery (the appendectomy) I was back under the knife for another laparoscopic surgery. I was amazed that they could remove that much of my intestines and omentum laparoscopicly. I was in the hospital for 4 days or so recovering and waiting for my intestines to learn how to work again now that they had been shortened and reconnected. It was here I felt Jesus really near to me. I wrote about it on my other blog (see that post below) but through His Word, prophetic pictures, and other people I really felt He was speaking to me and giving me assurance of His presence with me in this. My mother-in-law came to help out with the kids and our home while I was in the hospital. We were given many gifts of meals, finances to help out with gas, expenses, etc. We felt blessed. Our local friends were there to see me before I was wheeled in for surgery and came to see me after. They wanted to be my family and help take care of me too. I bounced back from that particular surgery really quick. I was told it could take months before my bowels would become "normal" again and within a week or so things were back to normal. I was walking around and gaining strength. When we asked the doctors if they noticed anything abnormal when they did this surgery they said no and assured me they felt they had "got it all."
But then we got the pathology results from that surgery and learned that this cancer actually was an aggressive appendix cancer that behaved like a carcinoma. And even though the Pet scan said there was no cancer the pathology report suggested there was still cancer beyond the surgical borders and I would need to do something more to stop it from spreading. We were blessed to have a landlord who used to work in the States at MD Anderson translating pathology reports. He helped us understand that there was still cancer in me and I needed to look into chemo. Now down to about 100 lbs and feeling like things were moving so fast I couldn't even really process what all was happening to me, to us. I was faced with the reality that this cancer journey wasn't over yet. Thus began investigating and research into next steps.....(blog post #2 to come)
Here is what I wrote on my old blog:
So it all started last September (2016). I was tired, not feeling well, felt like my hair was starting to fall out a bit and after talking to a friend who was wrestling with 7 different auto-immune diseases I figured I should go see my endocrinologist and get my thyroid levels checked again. After some blood work and the 3 hr fasting test I was told my hypothyroidism has moved into Hoshimoto's (auto-immune) and that I had Reactive Hypoglycemia. The news of this stressed me out. Why? Well I researched how I should eat. One diet said to avoid foods like potatoes, and white rice and things that would spike my blood sugar. It suggested eating lots of broccoli and cauliflower and foods in the cruciferous family. The other diet said to avoid or really limit foods in the cruciferous family. Some things one diet said to eat and the other diet said to avoid. I was stressed and for 36 hrs after diagnosis my hands and feet were numb. Later I realized it was from stress. Thankfully a close friend of mine also had the same diagnosis a few yrs prior so she was willing to help me figure out what I could or couldn't eat. She answered MANY of my questions. We lived overseas at this time so I had to try to figure out how to read food labels in the local language as well and to learn how to cook more from scratch. I began to lose weight as I basically cut out or really limit my sugars and sweets and I tried to go gluten free. I went from 117 down to about 110 or less by the end of the year. At first I felt good as the stubborn love handles were gone and I felt good about myself as I was working out and working on being healthy through diet and exercise. But then the weight kept coming off and one day my wedding ring fell off in the clothing store. I guess that's when I realized I had been losing too much weight.
But then I noticed if I ate some sweets I would get some pains in my gut. One day, at the gym, I almost felt like passing out and I had some sharp pains in my gut and had to go home early. We went to a dinner theater one night I think in late November or early December with dear friends of ours. By now I was having more of these painful attacks and my friend looked at me and said, "Rebekah I am concerned and think they have misdiagnosed you. What is there is something else wrong instead?"
December 6, 2017 I had a lot of pain in my gut. I felt constipated and bloated. My hubby ran out to the pharmacy to get me laxatives in an effort to help me sleep. That next day I hopped into a taxi with 2 of my friends to go to the other side of the city as we shared a hotel and attended a 3 day seminar on Life Coaching Training. I was in pain. The pain was under my ribs and throughout those 3 days of training I was often found sitting in the chair holding my hand over my diaphragm. Some people suggested perhaps I had an ulcer or something so my dear friends went with me to the ER one evening. It wasn't the nicest hospital. And because it was at night they couldn't take an x-ray or scan. So I was given pain meds for 3 hrs and eventually was told it was gastritis. I couldn't sleep due to the pain and after the training, once home, I ended up back in the E.R as the pain was only increasing. I heard loud noises going on in my intestines and wasn't sure what was up. Thankfully where we lived it was never a long wait to get into a hospital bed in the ER. I had a topography ct scan and was told I had some small kidney stones. So off I went home, assuming this was the cause and hoping they'd eventually pass.
I was already seeing a dietitian about how I could figure out the best way to eat for the Hypoglycemia and the Hoshimoto's. She didn't like that I was losing weight so together in her Broken English and my Broken Tsh we tried to figure out a plan for what I could eat. Now with the news of kidney stones there were new foods I needed to avoid and new ones I needed to eat. I have never enjoyed cooking and so having to constantly figure out all these dietary needs was stressful. Looking back I am sure that stress didn't help my health at the time.
I was back in the ER later in December as one day I had puked about 15 times and had the runs real bad. My hubby was on the other side of the city. A friend came with me to the ER in a taxi as I could barely walk out the door by myself and was thankful I had a bucket along with me in the taxi. After spending a day in the ER, and having to give a stool sample, I was told that there was a lot of mucus found in the stool sample which meant I had a bowel infection. Now looking back, and understanding my type of cancer, that mucus could have been a sign that there was something else wrong but I didn't see a Gastroenterologist at the time. My dear friend sat with me that whole day. She was the same one who a few weeks earlier wondered if I was misdiagnosed.
I went home with antibiotics but still dealt with the pain, the runs, the noises in my intestines, the sharp pains and the nausea at times. I couldn't sleep at night as I was writhing in pain most of the nights. I saw a urologist and he assured me that the kidney stones I had were so small and they shouldn't be the cause of the pain I was having. I went back to the ER once again because the pain was only getting worse. It was here they told me I should see a Gastroenterologist.
So in January I saw one. I am thankful things moved fast in that country. Within days she performed an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. She was wondering if I had IBS or Crones but in the end she said the only abnormal thing she found was a small stricture where the large intestine connected with the small intestine. She did a biopsy and ordered and MRI just to make sure. The biopsy came back clear. The MRI didn't show anything abnormal (since then I have come to learn that this cancer doesn't normally show up on MRI's and other scans at times). I knew I was born with some bowel issues so just guessed perhaps that stricture was something I was born with. Later I realize that stricture is what was causing a lot of pain as well because foods couldn't travel through so easily through that narrow opening. After a few more days I saw the Dr. again and said, "There must be something wrong. I am in so much pain. Could it be endometriosis or issues with my gull bladder?" So she sent me to the best Ultrasound Tech that she knew. When I look back and see how many tests and hospital visits I had in just over a month before my cancer was found I am so so thankful that I was not living in Canada at the time. Things moved so much faster there and overall I had great care.
January 19th, during the ultrasound, the Tech told me my kidneys were clear, no sign of any stones but then he noticed my appendix was appearing on the screen like a bulls-eye which was a sure sign of appendicitis. I was unable to go home that day. Instead I ended up having an emergency appendectomy. Finally, I thought, finally this must have been the cause of my pain all this time. Well when the Dr. came to see me he informed me that my appendix looked abnormal. Remember he was telling me this in his broken English and his Tsh so I was trying to ask questions and understand all the mdical terminology. He also explained that part of my small intestine looked abnormal as well from the outside, which is where that stricture was. They sent it away to pathology and I went home to heal up from my surgery not thinking too much about it. When I went in for a routine check-up a week later my hubby stopped at the coffee shop in the hospital to grab a coffee and I headed into the office to get my bandages removed and find out the results of the pathology.
We had tickets purchased to watch "La La Land." We were gonna go watch it after I saw the Dr. I asked the Dr. how things were and he said, "Well, it was abnormal and a tumor was found." In shock I asked him to wait until I could find my husband. Together we learned that I had cancer. It was an appendix cancer called Goblet Cell Carcinoid Cancer. It had infilterated my appendix and was moving into my small intestine, thus causing the stricture. At first they told me it was a slow growing kind. I realize that the Tsh people usually don't like to tell you how bad something is at first. We were shocked. If anyone in our family was gonna get cancer we had thought it would be my husband (due to family history of cancer) and not me. Because things move fast they told me they'd like to do a further surgery a week later. It was called a Right Hemicoloctomy where they would remove part of my colon and some of my small intestine and part of my omentum in an attempt to try to remove any residual cancer.
So after not fully recovering from my first surgery (the appendectomy) I was back under the knife for another laparoscopic surgery. I was amazed that they could remove that much of my intestines and omentum laparoscopicly. I was in the hospital for 4 days or so recovering and waiting for my intestines to learn how to work again now that they had been shortened and reconnected. It was here I felt Jesus really near to me. I wrote about it on my other blog (see that post below) but through His Word, prophetic pictures, and other people I really felt He was speaking to me and giving me assurance of His presence with me in this. My mother-in-law came to help out with the kids and our home while I was in the hospital. We were given many gifts of meals, finances to help out with gas, expenses, etc. We felt blessed. Our local friends were there to see me before I was wheeled in for surgery and came to see me after. They wanted to be my family and help take care of me too. I bounced back from that particular surgery really quick. I was told it could take months before my bowels would become "normal" again and within a week or so things were back to normal. I was walking around and gaining strength. When we asked the doctors if they noticed anything abnormal when they did this surgery they said no and assured me they felt they had "got it all."
But then we got the pathology results from that surgery and learned that this cancer actually was an aggressive appendix cancer that behaved like a carcinoma. And even though the Pet scan said there was no cancer the pathology report suggested there was still cancer beyond the surgical borders and I would need to do something more to stop it from spreading. We were blessed to have a landlord who used to work in the States at MD Anderson translating pathology reports. He helped us understand that there was still cancer in me and I needed to look into chemo. Now down to about 100 lbs and feeling like things were moving so fast I couldn't even really process what all was happening to me, to us. I was faced with the reality that this cancer journey wasn't over yet. Thus began investigating and research into next steps.....(blog post #2 to come)
Here is what I wrote on my old blog:
Taste and See
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." NIV
"Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who take refuge in him!"NLT Ps 34:8
At the beginning of the yr. I asked Jesus what verse or word He had for me this yr. This was one of the things He gave me. This verse. To be honest it was the first part of the verse he gave but as I looked up the reference right now to write down I noted the second part. There have been some joys along this journey as I have focused on his GOODNESS.
As you've seen from the two posts below this food, diet, etc has been tough for me. I've lost 20 lbs. I had so much pain I couldn't eat well and then there was the cancer. But this verse keeps coming to mind. It's like the Father keeps asking me to remember His GOODNESS in all of this difficulty. To find things to be thankful for. And this week as I had to wait 4 days post surgery (due to healing) to finally get my first taste of real food (but not so desired bland soup) I realized that in those 4 days of hunger pains it was a time the Father wanted me to be sustained by HIM not food. That He will satisfy me. I had parts of my bowels removed so the doctors wanted to make sure things were functioning right before they would let me eat. Each day is a milestone when I can go from drinking 2 cups of water in 24 hrs to 4 cups of water, to having compost and yucky yogurt soup. Hopefully tomorrow's food will be a little more exciting.
Trev bought me a journal to write in about this cancer journey. It is a place where I write verses, songs and promises I have been given. It's where I write a list of things I am thankful for and where I take note of the Father's goodness amidst this trial.
Before my surgery someone prayed we'd have spiritual eyes to see the angels surrounding us just like Elisha did in the OT. To be honest I have seen and felt the army of angels in human form...all of you, rise up around us. As we sent out the update letter informing many of the cancer SO SO many wrote back saying they were praying. Many people asked their prayer groups to pray for me, many people all over the world, many I don't know, are praying for me and my family. So humbling, so encouraging. And I have felt that prayer support literally rise up around me/us.
Our local and foreign friends in this city have become like family. Quickly a meal train was put together for 10 days. Friends band together to help make a plan for child care. Many people gathered to pray for us. We had our local fellowship anoint me and pray for healing as well as our main fellowship from back home (via skype...PTL for technology). Then yes there is all the family and friends back home who have been praying as well. My Mother-in-law just arrived today for 2 weeks to come alongside us and help out where needed. We feel loved and NOT alone. Our local friends realize we don't have family here so they want to step in and be that family and keep telling us IF WE EVER NEED ANYTHING TO LET THEM KNOW! We feel carried.
I would like to note a few ways He's been speaking. The week leading up to the surgery many songs and images were coming to mind about HIM being my anchor in this storm. I was reminded of my dad's tattoo of an anchor and I saw myself sitting on the anchor and just clinging to it. I asked him to draw me a picture of that and he did. People would pray for me and would see a picture of an anchor and without knowing how God was speaking we would just laugh at the point the Father was trying to get across. This was a storm. But He had me and I needed to cling to HIM. I needed to keep my eyes on HIM not the storm.
Today my Mother-in-law said that someone from home gave her money to buy my a rose. Well our local friend told us that at our fellowship today they all ended up on their knees or faces praying for our family and he felt he saw JC coming to me and giving me a rose for healing. The day of surgery I asked JC where he was in the room. I saw him sitting on my bed rubbing my feet. Last night some friends came by. One friend who did not know about this, asked if she could rub my feet with some lotion. I imagined an angel coming behind the Doctor and performing the surgery through him. A friend said that as she prayed for me she felt she saw angels dancing around my hospital bed.
It is the little things that make a difference. It's in focusing on HIS goodness that I find strength and peace. I continue to ask the Father to take this situation and use it for HIS glory. I am fully aware that if this happened 3-4 yrs ago I would be so broken right now. But 4 yrs ago, after my last miscarriage my faith felt like it was nearly shattered and in pieces. I felt like my prayers were hitting the wall. It took two yrs of JC lovingly, and gently putting the pieces back together. He brought about healing and restoration over time. And because of that work that He did I am stronger today and able to face this storm in life with more of a fight and desire to keep my eyes on HIM not on the storm.
No matter how this ends my desire is to say that I have fought the good fight, finished the race and KEPT THE FAITH. I desire to know that when it's time for the Father to call me home it will be when I know that my children are strong in their own faith walks. So because of that I am asking Him to not take me home to heaven now. I'm not ready. I want to make sure my kids know their anchor well before that happens.
Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I finally get this verse. If I think about the future, about what might be next I worry. But if I focus on today, on healing, on the peace that passes all understanding that I am experiencing, on the family and friends that are loving us so much and on the Father's goodness then I am more at peace. So here's for taking life one day at a time.
"Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who take refuge in him!"NLT Ps 34:8
At the beginning of the yr. I asked Jesus what verse or word He had for me this yr. This was one of the things He gave me. This verse. To be honest it was the first part of the verse he gave but as I looked up the reference right now to write down I noted the second part. There have been some joys along this journey as I have focused on his GOODNESS.
As you've seen from the two posts below this food, diet, etc has been tough for me. I've lost 20 lbs. I had so much pain I couldn't eat well and then there was the cancer. But this verse keeps coming to mind. It's like the Father keeps asking me to remember His GOODNESS in all of this difficulty. To find things to be thankful for. And this week as I had to wait 4 days post surgery (due to healing) to finally get my first taste of real food (but not so desired bland soup) I realized that in those 4 days of hunger pains it was a time the Father wanted me to be sustained by HIM not food. That He will satisfy me. I had parts of my bowels removed so the doctors wanted to make sure things were functioning right before they would let me eat. Each day is a milestone when I can go from drinking 2 cups of water in 24 hrs to 4 cups of water, to having compost and yucky yogurt soup. Hopefully tomorrow's food will be a little more exciting.
Trev bought me a journal to write in about this cancer journey. It is a place where I write verses, songs and promises I have been given. It's where I write a list of things I am thankful for and where I take note of the Father's goodness amidst this trial.
Before my surgery someone prayed we'd have spiritual eyes to see the angels surrounding us just like Elisha did in the OT. To be honest I have seen and felt the army of angels in human form...all of you, rise up around us. As we sent out the update letter informing many of the cancer SO SO many wrote back saying they were praying. Many people asked their prayer groups to pray for me, many people all over the world, many I don't know, are praying for me and my family. So humbling, so encouraging. And I have felt that prayer support literally rise up around me/us.
Our local and foreign friends in this city have become like family. Quickly a meal train was put together for 10 days. Friends band together to help make a plan for child care. Many people gathered to pray for us. We had our local fellowship anoint me and pray for healing as well as our main fellowship from back home (via skype...PTL for technology). Then yes there is all the family and friends back home who have been praying as well. My Mother-in-law just arrived today for 2 weeks to come alongside us and help out where needed. We feel loved and NOT alone. Our local friends realize we don't have family here so they want to step in and be that family and keep telling us IF WE EVER NEED ANYTHING TO LET THEM KNOW! We feel carried.
I would like to note a few ways He's been speaking. The week leading up to the surgery many songs and images were coming to mind about HIM being my anchor in this storm. I was reminded of my dad's tattoo of an anchor and I saw myself sitting on the anchor and just clinging to it. I asked him to draw me a picture of that and he did. People would pray for me and would see a picture of an anchor and without knowing how God was speaking we would just laugh at the point the Father was trying to get across. This was a storm. But He had me and I needed to cling to HIM. I needed to keep my eyes on HIM not the storm.
Today my Mother-in-law said that someone from home gave her money to buy my a rose. Well our local friend told us that at our fellowship today they all ended up on their knees or faces praying for our family and he felt he saw JC coming to me and giving me a rose for healing. The day of surgery I asked JC where he was in the room. I saw him sitting on my bed rubbing my feet. Last night some friends came by. One friend who did not know about this, asked if she could rub my feet with some lotion. I imagined an angel coming behind the Doctor and performing the surgery through him. A friend said that as she prayed for me she felt she saw angels dancing around my hospital bed.
It is the little things that make a difference. It's in focusing on HIS goodness that I find strength and peace. I continue to ask the Father to take this situation and use it for HIS glory. I am fully aware that if this happened 3-4 yrs ago I would be so broken right now. But 4 yrs ago, after my last miscarriage my faith felt like it was nearly shattered and in pieces. I felt like my prayers were hitting the wall. It took two yrs of JC lovingly, and gently putting the pieces back together. He brought about healing and restoration over time. And because of that work that He did I am stronger today and able to face this storm in life with more of a fight and desire to keep my eyes on HIM not on the storm.
No matter how this ends my desire is to say that I have fought the good fight, finished the race and KEPT THE FAITH. I desire to know that when it's time for the Father to call me home it will be when I know that my children are strong in their own faith walks. So because of that I am asking Him to not take me home to heaven now. I'm not ready. I want to make sure my kids know their anchor well before that happens.
Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I finally get this verse. If I think about the future, about what might be next I worry. But if I focus on today, on healing, on the peace that passes all understanding that I am experiencing, on the family and friends that are loving us so much and on the Father's goodness then I am more at peace. So here's for taking life one day at a time.
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