Wow, guess I better update my blog as it's been awhile since I last posted. We went on a trip of a life time and surprised the kids to a trip to Disney. I will have to post about that another time. I have been reflecting on what goals I have for 2019. These are in no particular order:
1) I want to make more time to take care of me which may mean napping during the day as I don't sleep through the night and have not for the past 2 yrs. We recently bought a second hand treadmill so this also means making time to get in some sort of exercise on a regular basis. It also means I make more time for coffee with various people to make sure I get the socializing needed. friendships have changed a lot since I have been back and I am still trying to figure out who my people are here. I am thankful for the new friendships that I have been forming this yr and the old friendships that have picked right back up from where we left off.
2) This past yr I tried to be as gluten free and sugar free as I could but I cheated at times and boy did it affect me. So this yr I really want to be better disciplined in this area.
I have been dealing with some pretty horrible pain in my gut on and off for the last 2 months or so. I have had nights I've been on my couch in tears, nights I am in a fetal position in my bed cradling a pillow in pain. There's days I stay home from church or other functions because of the pain. My GI specialist suggested I stop eating during the day and they increase my calories in my TPN bag I get at night so that my gut gets some rest. This would be for a short period of time but then we'd have to slowly add in a different food at a time. However, I cook for my family and I want to be able to eat too. And I worry that my digestive system will forget how to function if I stop all together. For those of you who don't know TPN goes into my blood stream and bypasses my gut. TPN has allowed me to gain weight. Where I once was a twig with no muscle I now can fill out a pair of jeans ok. That said the TPN does not help with the pain and gi issues and pain.
I told my Dr that I wanted to wait till after Christmas to decide if I will stop eating for awhile or not. So I want to watch what I eat this next yr. And in that I really want to do a better job of providing my family with healthy options to eat. Due to my medical situation I can't eat all the high fiber, raw veggies and fruits, nuts and lentils, healthy grains like quinoa etc. So some times I don't branch out to make healthy meals for my family and then meals for me. But I have seen the negative affects sugar and too many cards has on my one kiddo in particular and I really want to enter 2019 with enthusiasm to meal plan and prep, to cook healthier options with more veggies for my family and to not feel like cooking is such a daunting experience for me.
3) I have been feeling a quiet nudge from the Lord to wake up before my kids, to invest in my time with HIM daily but also for my kids to see me in the Word. It can be easy to do my devotions when the kids are at school or in bed but if I want to model a relationship with Jesus I also need to help my kids see what that could look like to spend quiet time with Jesus. Isaiah 50:4b "Morning by morning he awakens; he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught."
4) Along with number 3 I have been hungry for more of the Lord's presence, peace, and power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I miss being overseas and surrounded by people gathering around each other in prophetic prayer. I miss being in a time of worship where I am feeling free to dance, cry and even flag if one was available. I crave His presence and power in my life and those around me. I miss being able to see and hear about personal healing stories or where people had dreams and visions of Jesus present with them. In a thirst for MORE I gathered together with a group of ladies in town who share a similar heart for MORE of the Holy Spirit and for prophetic prayer. We gather once a month and this group of ladies and time together has been healing and refreshing. In 2019 I look forward to continuing our time together and growing as a group. My desire for 2019 is to see this spill over into the lives of those around me and for my little family to be blown away and awed by the Holy Spirit in each of our lives. I plan to attend a Set Free conference later in January. I have been trained and walked through Neil T Anderson's STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST yrs ago but I feel like after cancer and our move here there are more areas of my life that need to be yielded to God or that I need to have freedom in. So I look forward to this and I long for my oldest kiddo to go to the one for his age later in Feb. So FREEDOM and HEALING from the trauma we've all walked through in the last 2 yrs is something I long to experience fully in 2019.
5) 2019 means my little girl will go to school 2 to 3 times a week till June and in the fall she will go full time so this allows me more time to take care of me and my home. I am not an organized person and I am realizing more and more how if I was this would take some of the stress of things off of my shoulders. Mess and clutter stresses me out. So in 2019 I want to be more organized. Organized in my house, cupboards, with meal planning, etc. I want to live more simply and to really de-clutter. As a side note: THOSE OF YOU WHO TRY TO LIVE MINIMALLY OR WITH ZERO WASTE WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE A CRAFTY CHILD WHO LEAVES THEIR CRAFTS ALL OVER THE HOUSE? Stuff does not make me happy, quality time with my little family does...at least those times when the kids are getting along. 😄
6) I started the journal Bibles for my kids last yr but I did not finish. This year I have a goal to read through the Bible in a year and I will be doing this in their journal Bibles (that I plan to give them when they get baptized or graduate as a surprise). I want to take more time to write the kids letters and put them in a special spot, record me singing some of the songs I sing to them at night and just make sure that I leave a legacy behind for them.
7) I am not much of a reader but I have a couple books I started to read that I would really like to finish. One yr ago I started a little side home business and I desire to grow in that as well. To read books and to continue to grow in my own character as a leader. I have been enjoying the education part of it and being able to get my product basically paid for has been a bonus. I enjoy making changes in my home and providing safer options for each of us. Though there are still more changes to be made. I have been enjoying the connection with people as I help them on their own wellness journeys. It is like my own little ministry where I get to listen to people, help them out and pray for them. I love that.
Along with that I hope to begin taking steps to pursuing my dream of being a life coach or spiritual director.
8) I desire to invest more in my marriage. To learn to communicate better, to date more, to laugh together more. JOY...Something I really want to live in and experience more of in 2019. I desire to work on the areas in my parenting that need work. I long to be a better, more patient and gentler mom. A mom who can sit with the uncomfortable and validate my kid's feelings and emotions better. I long to be a mom who is more capable. I am tired of being the sick mom.
I am sure I could go no but I will this it at this for now.
What are some goals you have for 2019?
Wednesday, 12 December 2018
Monday, 8 October 2018
HOME
I have been busy and yet I really wanna get back into blogging. I really want to continue to tell stories from my life. My son has been asking to hear our life stories. I've been telling him a few of the stories. Most I will blog about eventually. Some are too personal and I will just write those down for my kids to read on their own.
My hubby bought tickets months ago and surprised me to a date night to see Chris Tomlin live in concert. The night was powerful. He's a gifted worship leader and it seemed more like a worship night than a show/concert.
When he sang the song, "HOME" I began to weep. I had been wrestling with some personal things in my life. The tears unleashed and feeling them stream down my face felt healing as I felt the warm wet tears flow from my eyes down my cheeks. It's been awhile since I've cried. This wasn't just a little cry it was a crying out to the Lord as the tears flowed. This was a song that I listened to when I was in the hospital healing from my cancer surgeries. When I was 77 lbs and unable to function much all I longed to do was go to my heavenly home. Yet I knew that my kids and hubby needed me around so I had to fight to live. Yet lately as I've looked at who I am now, post cancer, there is so much of me that wishes I could be in Heaven instead of daily living with chronic bathroom trips, TPN, and the emotional exhaustion I feel being a mom to my beautiful kids who are dealing with their own issues from all the trauma we have walked through. There have been days I've believed the lie that my family would have been better off if I had went HOME last year. That is when I need to buckle the belt of truth around my waist and trust that God needed me to be around longer and that He knew my little family still needed me.
I am on an appendix cancer FB group. I am thankful to hear from other people who share their own struggles with having short bowel syndrome now due to surgeries. Many people talk about their struggle with bathroom issues and what meds they are taking or diets they are on to try and help. I recently got a message from a friend on that group asking if I ever had anxiety going out in public worrying that I would have an accident. She asked if it would ever get better. She just had surgery 2 months ago. I assured her she was not alone and that I understood the social anxiety all too well. On my FB group there are people whose spouses have left them after the cancer was discovered. There are people who are struggling with emotional issues after their diagnosis and treatments. Today my heart broke when I read that one man had too many complications after his MOAS...mother of all surgeries...and he passed away after 54 days of complications. I am thankful that I am alive. I am beyond thankful for my husband who has taken his marriage vows "in sickness and in health" seriously. I am thankful he has told me he isn't going anywhere. Yet we have been working through some stuff. We realize we've been in SURVIVAL mode for the last year and a half. My hubby wasn't sure if I was ever gonna make it. But I did and we now need to process and figure out how to THRIVE when our situation, and my health physically and emotionally is so different than it was before we found out I had cancer.
I started seeing a counselor to work through my grief. To help me process what my kids are dealing with in their own trauma and healing. To help me figure out how to limit my stress, manage my emotions and find healing. My heart has been breaking as I see my kids continuing to adjust to life here in Canada. My mommy heart is deeply saddened when I hear of my son's longing to fit in. It takes a lot of emotional energy and strength on my part to listen to his heart, help him process and try to help him focus on being the kind kid even if that means not everyone will like him or want him to hang out with them. My heart hurts for my little girl as it seems she is dealing with some attachment stuff. Her emotions have started to come out more in anger at times and I have so little energy to help her deal with those big emotions effectively.
And then there is me. As one friend, who also had a hysterectomy and deals with side effects from that, said to me, "People just don't talk about this stuff!" I want to talk about this. Those organs were what helped to balance my emotions. My emotions have been thrown into chaos. My capacity is not very big. My counselor described it well saying, before 9/11 airports had security in place but after 9/11 it hit a 5 on a scale of 1 to 5. It was crazy. Now, years later, perhaps that level of security has moved to a 4 or 3 but it has never went back down to where it was. So it is with me. On Jan 19th of 2017 our lives were turned upside down. I went into survival mode. I went to a level 5. Now I am gaining weight (thanks to TPN) which means I have a bit more energy physically, but emotionally I am still so drained. I may now be at a 3.5 or 4 but that means there still is so little capacity that I have to deal with so much big stuff at once and to care for each member in my little family the way I want to or they way they need. I deal with UTI's from time to time due to the hysterectomy and lack of water intake.
My kids and my hubby acknowledge that I am not the same person I used to be. This is hard for me to hear. I am not as patient and I am more easily stressed/triggered/frustrated/and easily angered. I so hate this about myself, thus why I started to see a counselor. I am on a quest to simplify my life. When I have time I want to start to de-clutter my home but also make sure I take time to rest, fill up my cup with journaling, listening to worship music, resting and connecting with friends that are like-minded. The other day during the worship at our church I felt the Lord nudging me to make sure I wake up earlier than my kids to start my day in the Word of God so that I can face the rest of my day with a focus on HIM rather than on my to-do list. I am certainly not perfect. I am on a journey to wholeness and healing and continue to value your prayers for me and my family as we continue to adjust to life/culture here in Canada and as we figure out our new normal as a family here.
As a side note: Yesterday K asked me to read a Berenstain Bears book but it was in Turkish. So I butchered my way through it. She just said, "I don't understand what it means anymore. That's because we now live in a different land!" The kids comment how they are losing their Turkish or how they want so badly to get on a plane and go visit or move back.
My grandpa was sick a little bit ago. He had a small heart attack and so much fluid on his lungs I didn't think he'd make it. But that man is my hero. He amazes me and has more than 9 lives by now. He keeps making it through whatever health challenges come his way. His stubbornness and ability to keep surviving gives me strength and motivation to keep on keeping on. After all, I have some of his genes in me. So even though I long to go HOME I will continue to figure out how to make my home here on earth a place of safety and refuge for my kids. I will continue to find ways to find healing for me and the rest of us and I will seek the Lord about His plans for me here on earth in the mean time.
And If you think of me on Friday the 12th I'd appreciate your prayers as I go for my semi-annual CTscan.
My hubby bought tickets months ago and surprised me to a date night to see Chris Tomlin live in concert. The night was powerful. He's a gifted worship leader and it seemed more like a worship night than a show/concert.
I am on an appendix cancer FB group. I am thankful to hear from other people who share their own struggles with having short bowel syndrome now due to surgeries. Many people talk about their struggle with bathroom issues and what meds they are taking or diets they are on to try and help. I recently got a message from a friend on that group asking if I ever had anxiety going out in public worrying that I would have an accident. She asked if it would ever get better. She just had surgery 2 months ago. I assured her she was not alone and that I understood the social anxiety all too well. On my FB group there are people whose spouses have left them after the cancer was discovered. There are people who are struggling with emotional issues after their diagnosis and treatments. Today my heart broke when I read that one man had too many complications after his MOAS...mother of all surgeries...and he passed away after 54 days of complications. I am thankful that I am alive. I am beyond thankful for my husband who has taken his marriage vows "in sickness and in health" seriously. I am thankful he has told me he isn't going anywhere. Yet we have been working through some stuff. We realize we've been in SURVIVAL mode for the last year and a half. My hubby wasn't sure if I was ever gonna make it. But I did and we now need to process and figure out how to THRIVE when our situation, and my health physically and emotionally is so different than it was before we found out I had cancer.
I started seeing a counselor to work through my grief. To help me process what my kids are dealing with in their own trauma and healing. To help me figure out how to limit my stress, manage my emotions and find healing. My heart has been breaking as I see my kids continuing to adjust to life here in Canada. My mommy heart is deeply saddened when I hear of my son's longing to fit in. It takes a lot of emotional energy and strength on my part to listen to his heart, help him process and try to help him focus on being the kind kid even if that means not everyone will like him or want him to hang out with them. My heart hurts for my little girl as it seems she is dealing with some attachment stuff. Her emotions have started to come out more in anger at times and I have so little energy to help her deal with those big emotions effectively.
And then there is me. As one friend, who also had a hysterectomy and deals with side effects from that, said to me, "People just don't talk about this stuff!" I want to talk about this. Those organs were what helped to balance my emotions. My emotions have been thrown into chaos. My capacity is not very big. My counselor described it well saying, before 9/11 airports had security in place but after 9/11 it hit a 5 on a scale of 1 to 5. It was crazy. Now, years later, perhaps that level of security has moved to a 4 or 3 but it has never went back down to where it was. So it is with me. On Jan 19th of 2017 our lives were turned upside down. I went into survival mode. I went to a level 5. Now I am gaining weight (thanks to TPN) which means I have a bit more energy physically, but emotionally I am still so drained. I may now be at a 3.5 or 4 but that means there still is so little capacity that I have to deal with so much big stuff at once and to care for each member in my little family the way I want to or they way they need. I deal with UTI's from time to time due to the hysterectomy and lack of water intake.
My kids and my hubby acknowledge that I am not the same person I used to be. This is hard for me to hear. I am not as patient and I am more easily stressed/triggered/frustrated/and easily angered. I so hate this about myself, thus why I started to see a counselor. I am on a quest to simplify my life. When I have time I want to start to de-clutter my home but also make sure I take time to rest, fill up my cup with journaling, listening to worship music, resting and connecting with friends that are like-minded. The other day during the worship at our church I felt the Lord nudging me to make sure I wake up earlier than my kids to start my day in the Word of God so that I can face the rest of my day with a focus on HIM rather than on my to-do list. I am certainly not perfect. I am on a journey to wholeness and healing and continue to value your prayers for me and my family as we continue to adjust to life/culture here in Canada and as we figure out our new normal as a family here.
As a side note: Yesterday K asked me to read a Berenstain Bears book but it was in Turkish. So I butchered my way through it. She just said, "I don't understand what it means anymore. That's because we now live in a different land!" The kids comment how they are losing their Turkish or how they want so badly to get on a plane and go visit or move back.
My grandpa was sick a little bit ago. He had a small heart attack and so much fluid on his lungs I didn't think he'd make it. But that man is my hero. He amazes me and has more than 9 lives by now. He keeps making it through whatever health challenges come his way. His stubbornness and ability to keep surviving gives me strength and motivation to keep on keeping on. After all, I have some of his genes in me. So even though I long to go HOME I will continue to figure out how to make my home here on earth a place of safety and refuge for my kids. I will continue to find ways to find healing for me and the rest of us and I will seek the Lord about His plans for me here on earth in the mean time.
And If you think of me on Friday the 12th I'd appreciate your prayers as I go for my semi-annual CTscan.
Monday, 24 September 2018
honesty
It's been awhile. There is so much running in my head and heavy on my heart so I am not sure what to share. I've been struggling. Being a mom is not an easy job. I try my best and feel like I fail daily. It can be easy to listen to the lies running around in my head about the type of parent that I am and how my kids need someone with more energy, more patience, and more joy. For the last yr and a bit I felt like all I had energy for was to survive and make it through the day. In the last month or so I've had a bit more energy and have been able to try to create memories with my kids. My son often tells me that he sees us as being different now. The other day he commented that he's noticed I've gained weight but that the rest of me looks so exhausted and that I should go away to a spa for a week....YES PLEASE!!! He noted the extra grey hair and wrinkles too. Yep I have them. It's amazing how much a body can age trough trauma. And yet I felt I needed to tell him that grey hair and wrinkles and exhaustion does not mean the cancer is back...just means I have been through a lot.
We as a family went to the Terry Fox run. The boys ran 5k and I jogged 2.5 k next to my little girl on her bike. This is not a long distance and it felt amazing running it. Crossing that finish line did something in my heart that I can't explain. In Feb of 2017 I was ready to die. I didn't think I would ever be well enough to run again. Crossing the finish line felt like in some strange way a chapter has closed and a new season has begun. And yet I need to stew on that feeling some more and process what the Lord was trying to tell me in that moment. We ran as a family for the cause of cancer in our family. For my Father-in-law as that day we ran the race was on what would have been his birthday. And we ran for me. It felt good but the days after were so hard. Perhaps I was dealing with adrenal fatigue. Perhaps I pushed myself too much and my body just cried out to stop and rest.
My little girl started Kindergarten. Only 2 days a week. I have a long list of things to do each day but some times not much gets done. I still need rest times.
People ask me if I am cancer free. As for as we know, yes. I have blood work this week and my scan coming up in October. I wanna believe nothing will show up. I wanna believe that I can leave cancer behind me. The reality is we as a family are still healing from and dealing with the trauma we all faced in 2017. It's been exhausting having to work through it all with my kiddos who express their trauma and healing differently from each other, or from me for that matter. We are all processing it so differently. And I finally started seeing a counselor for me. It's time I finally process myself and deal with all the loss and trauma...in hopes that I will come through that being a better mom than how I see myself to be now.
I am loving the new Lauren Diagle cd. So much truth in the lyrics. I can relate. I love this song.
Thursday, 16 August 2018
RADIATE
A number of weeks ago I had been driving back from a Dr. appointment and was listening to my friend share in a video on FB about hearing God's voice and the different ways we can hear His voice. All of a sudden I looked at my radio in my car and saw that there was a song titled, "Radiate" by Hannah Kerr.
Almost at he same time I noticed a sign on the sign of the road. As I drove by the word RADIATE stood out to me. I began to wonder if the Lord was trying to say something to me. It wasn't too long after that I was reading my little devotional, "Jesus Always" and this is what I read:
I am still soaking on what the Lord is trying to tell me through this word. But I do believe He's been inviting me to soak in His presence more. And then the other day in church this song was introduced to us. Of course the word RADIATE stood out to me again. This time I had to smile a little. The Lord was trying to tell me something. He speaks, often is such simple ways that we miss it because we are too busy looking for or wishing He'd speak in LOUD and more obvious ways.
I felt this song was a reminder of the Love God has for me. And the fact that He has taken my brokenness and poured His love and healing into me and that through that brokenness His love is hopefully being like radiant diamonds to those around me.
I was able to share my testimony a few weeks back with around 30 ladies. It was a wonderful opportunity to share about my past hurts, struggles, and pain but also how Jesus ministered to me in those times, how He healed and spoke and loved on me. I shared how He was faithful and continues to be. After we listened to the song, "Reckless Love" I shared how I was reflecting on ways that Jesus had kicked down walls I put up around my heart, How he tore down lies that I believed about myself or about Him. I told how had and was meeting me in intimate ways when I would just take time to listen and ask Him where He was in the room with me or what He wanted to say to me. If you would like a copy of my testimony to read I'd gladly email it to you. In my testimony I talked about how I finally feel, like after this last yr and a half, that I am coming up for air. That I am finally gaining some strength to get things done and to get more involved in building relationships with people, etc. However, I am also aware that I still need to take things slow and make sure I continue to get healthy physically and emotionally.
I am feeling a stirring inside of me. I am passionate about women finding freedom in their lives. Freedom from bondage of sin, of lies they believe about God or themselves, freedom of self-pity or not viewing themselves as their CREATOR made them to be. I am passionate about wanting people to not live in the status quo but to want MORE in their walks with God. To want MORE in their prayer lives. I long for revival in my town and country. And I am realizing that this needs to begin with me. And I am praying about what it looks like to start a little prayer group with some women, where we would gather, do prophetic prayer and listening to God together.
I have had a wonderful few days at home by myself. My kids were up north with my parents and my hubby worked during the day so I was able to get some things organized, prepped in the freezer, cleaned, etc. After listening to on online book this week I realized that chaos, mess, etc stresses me out. So I wanted to try to be better at organizing, cleaning, etc so that I don't walk into a room and immediately feel a little wave of anxiety at the mess I see. This then spills out into my parenting and it isn't always good. So I want to take time each day to exercise, spend with Jesus, and use the time my kids are in school to get things done around the house so that when they are home I can be more present and less stressed out. This also means letting the garden go. So there are weeds, so what! I have better things to do than to keep an immaculate yard. (But weeds sure do speak to me about sin. They seem small one day and a few days later they are huge. Just like sin. We may think something is a small sin in our life but if we don't deal with it and knock it down it will become a big issue). I still have a long list of things I want to do but I am realizing I am tired out and that I am in need of some me and Jesus time. So today is a day to reflect, blog, rest and soak with HIM.
As a side note: TPN has been a big help. My body is finally hydrated. I have gained weight and the last I talked to the Dr he figured I'd only need to be on it for a yr. So here's hoping! I still have digestive issues and take lots of meds for that but I do look healthier and am now needing to find clothes that fit this new body that's been slowly gaining weight as I grow out of the clothes I bought in the kids' youth sections of stores. Thanks for the prayers.
Almost at he same time I noticed a sign on the sign of the road. As I drove by the word RADIATE stood out to me. I began to wonder if the Lord was trying to say something to me. It wasn't too long after that I was reading my little devotional, "Jesus Always" and this is what I read:
I felt this song was a reminder of the Love God has for me. And the fact that He has taken my brokenness and poured His love and healing into me and that through that brokenness His love is hopefully being like radiant diamonds to those around me.
I was able to share my testimony a few weeks back with around 30 ladies. It was a wonderful opportunity to share about my past hurts, struggles, and pain but also how Jesus ministered to me in those times, how He healed and spoke and loved on me. I shared how He was faithful and continues to be. After we listened to the song, "Reckless Love" I shared how I was reflecting on ways that Jesus had kicked down walls I put up around my heart, How he tore down lies that I believed about myself or about Him. I told how had and was meeting me in intimate ways when I would just take time to listen and ask Him where He was in the room with me or what He wanted to say to me. If you would like a copy of my testimony to read I'd gladly email it to you. In my testimony I talked about how I finally feel, like after this last yr and a half, that I am coming up for air. That I am finally gaining some strength to get things done and to get more involved in building relationships with people, etc. However, I am also aware that I still need to take things slow and make sure I continue to get healthy physically and emotionally.
I am feeling a stirring inside of me. I am passionate about women finding freedom in their lives. Freedom from bondage of sin, of lies they believe about God or themselves, freedom of self-pity or not viewing themselves as their CREATOR made them to be. I am passionate about wanting people to not live in the status quo but to want MORE in their walks with God. To want MORE in their prayer lives. I long for revival in my town and country. And I am realizing that this needs to begin with me. And I am praying about what it looks like to start a little prayer group with some women, where we would gather, do prophetic prayer and listening to God together.
I have had a wonderful few days at home by myself. My kids were up north with my parents and my hubby worked during the day so I was able to get some things organized, prepped in the freezer, cleaned, etc. After listening to on online book this week I realized that chaos, mess, etc stresses me out. So I wanted to try to be better at organizing, cleaning, etc so that I don't walk into a room and immediately feel a little wave of anxiety at the mess I see. This then spills out into my parenting and it isn't always good. So I want to take time each day to exercise, spend with Jesus, and use the time my kids are in school to get things done around the house so that when they are home I can be more present and less stressed out. This also means letting the garden go. So there are weeds, so what! I have better things to do than to keep an immaculate yard. (But weeds sure do speak to me about sin. They seem small one day and a few days later they are huge. Just like sin. We may think something is a small sin in our life but if we don't deal with it and knock it down it will become a big issue). I still have a long list of things I want to do but I am realizing I am tired out and that I am in need of some me and Jesus time. So today is a day to reflect, blog, rest and soak with HIM.
As a side note: TPN has been a big help. My body is finally hydrated. I have gained weight and the last I talked to the Dr he figured I'd only need to be on it for a yr. So here's hoping! I still have digestive issues and take lots of meds for that but I do look healthier and am now needing to find clothes that fit this new body that's been slowly gaining weight as I grow out of the clothes I bought in the kids' youth sections of stores. Thanks for the prayers.
Thursday, 12 July 2018
Dream Small
Anyways, I love to pray. Last week a friend told another friend about an incident where she told me about some nightmares she was having and I took some time to do some listening/inner healing prayer with her. I invited her to go back into her nightmare and meet Jesus there and to experience the freedom He longed for her from those nightmares. She said after that she hasn't had another nightmare. So we talked about my passion for others to hear God's voice, my yearning to be in community with prophetic and listening prayer. I kinda jokingly said, "Well I guess that's something I can do is pray. Maybe I should put something on FB and tell people if they want prayer they could come and I will pray for them." They said I totally should. After reflecting on it, I would love to do that. Eventually, when health, money and time allows I will attend a 5 day training seminar to work towards my life coaching training. But in the mean time I have been trained to walk people through STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST. I have been trained in inner healing and listening prayer. So this is something I am offering to Jesus, asking for opportunities to use my gifts and my passions to walk alongside others and be able to see them experience the freedom He longs for them to have in their own lives.
Please join me in prayer as I seek what little things I can do in the lives of those around me. Lord, I am ready to be used right where I am!
The Power Of Words
I have been on TPN for just over 3 weeks. The first 2 and a half weeks were rough with a lot of pain, lack of sleep and adjusting. But I was asked to go off for a few days because my blood work showed my potassium was too high. Too much potassium can negatively affect my heart. They ordered me new TPN without it. I have been on that now for almost a week and I feel much better.
I have started to gain weight. When I look at my body I feel huge. Some nights I have felt like my body was retaining water as it did when I was pregnant with K and that I was a balloon about to explode from the water retention. But then I look at pictures and I see how skinny I still am.
I get comments. Some are harder to hear than others. All are meant to be encouraging. When I am told that I look rounder or that I look like I have gained weight it isn't always easy to hear. When I hear that I look marvelous and healthier that's better. I used to be anorexic in Jr. High and High School. Actually until after my 1st yr of Bible School. I had a competition with some other girls to see who would be under 100 by grad. I bawled when I was 103. I over exercised and watched what I ate. It never got super bad like being hospitalized but my self esteem and view of myself was low.
It was at the training of a summer missions trip I was part of where I received my healing. We talked about footholds that Satan had in our lives and how we needed to find freedom in Jesus through that. I knew right away I needed prayer. I was already planning how I was going to avoid or skip meals and how I was going to watch my weight that summer. I knew this was taking my eyes off of Jesus and off of what He wanted to do in and through me that summer.
The leaders invited me to read Song of Songs chapter 4 over and over as they prayed with me, over me and tried to help me see where the roots were in my life that caused me to have this mindset. I grew up having a little bit of a pot belly. Not huge but not muscular either. People made comments. In grade 8 someone who was supposed to be a friend drew a picture of me as being fat and passed it around the class. Everyone saw it but me. Thankfully a friend told me about it. I vowed after that to never be FAT. And thus began the spiral.
The verse that stood out to me during this was Song of Songs 4:7: "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." I read this verse over and over until I could finally muster up some faith to believe this was true about me. That night I experienced freedom over the mindset and anorexia. And I feel like Satan lost some hold of my life at that point. That night when I was trying to sleep I heard a roaring voice in the room. Another girl who was sleeping in the same room heard it as well. I saw body parts on the ceiling and it was rather scary. But I prayed to Jesus and rebuked Satan and I experienced peace and freedom and fell asleep.
Do you know that a high percentage of people who have had some sort of trauma in their life like sexual abuse for example, have eating disorders? Not all, but a lot. So after this training night I also had some yrs of counseling for other things from my past and have had a much better perspective of myself and my body. It's been a process. I do not like hearing people complain about their weight. And now the perspective I have is that when we put ourselves down, our looks, our bodies, our abilities we are putting down the CREATOR who created us. He says in the Bible that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. If I put myself down it's like I am telling God He didn't do a good job.
However words are powerful. When I was pregnant I was introduced to someone I didn't know well. The person introducing me didn't have any mean intention but made a comment of how huge I looked. I went home that night and ended up in tears. When body image used to be something I struggled with a lot it was hard to have my body change and grow. Yes pregnancy is amazing and a miracle but your body changes in ways you've never experienced before.
Now fast forward to this last almost 2 yrs. In fall of 2016 I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos. I was trying to figure out how to best eat for those two diseases. I did research on eating the auto-immune protocol diet. Each disease had it's own diet that seemed to conflict at times. One diet told me to eat broccoli, etc the other said not to. After much stressing I did my best to limit the broccoli and foods in that family, to go gluten free and sugar free. I started losing weight. Then I got sick and eventually found out I had cancer. Now for sure I wanted to limit my cancer as I had read that glucose/sugar is like food for the cancer cells. 4 surgeries later and I was down 40 lbs. At my lowest, 77 lbs, my husband said I looked like death. For the last yr he felt like every time he was going to hug me he might break me. At first I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was a walking skeleton basically. I had to shop in the children's stores for clothes. I struggle to sit for long as I don't have a lot of fat on my butt so sitting on a tail bone is pretty painful.
However over time this has become my normal. I've gotten used to this body even though I knew it wasn't healthy. I tried to eat. I stuffed my face but due to having no colon I couldn't eat fiber, a lot of veggies and fruits, etc. Sugary foods ran through me too. At times it felt like all I was thinking about was food and figuring out what I could eat, and I tried my best to gain weight.
Now in the last 3 weeks I have gained 4 maybe 5 lbs. This is huge after having only gained 3 or 4 lbs in the last yr. But my body is changing and it's taking some getting used to. Clothes are fitting a little snugger. This is all good, I know that. Yet remember, I used to have an anorexic mindset and I am aware that I need to be careful where my thoughts go.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8
This is a verse I need to focus on. To capture my thoughts and give them to Jesus. I have talked to my doctor and nurse to let them know that I am fully aware that gaining weight might affect me. I don't want it to yet I also want to be aware of it too. My husband told me he no longer just sees my bones when he looks at my back. I know I look healthier. For one I am more hydrated and that helps big time. I barely drank this last yr because if I did food would run through me faster. TPN bypasses my gut and gets hydration and nutrients into my cells.
Knowing that words have positively or negatively affected me lately has also had me thinking about what words I use with my kids. Am I saying things that build them up or tear their spirits down even if it's not intentional?
I am also aware that it's easier for someone to comment and tell someone that they look good when they are losing weight. But it's harder to know what to say to someone trying to gain weight. Overall I am thankful that I am looking healthier, that I feel like I have a little more energy and life in me too. Thanks for the prayers, please keep them coming.
I have been asked to share my testimony later this month at a ladies event. There are so many stories I could tell but I really want to glorify God and share what it is that He wants me to share. I long for my words to be an encouragement to the ladies that attend. I'd appreciate your prayers as I seek God and what it is He wants me to share.
I have started to gain weight. When I look at my body I feel huge. Some nights I have felt like my body was retaining water as it did when I was pregnant with K and that I was a balloon about to explode from the water retention. But then I look at pictures and I see how skinny I still am.
I get comments. Some are harder to hear than others. All are meant to be encouraging. When I am told that I look rounder or that I look like I have gained weight it isn't always easy to hear. When I hear that I look marvelous and healthier that's better. I used to be anorexic in Jr. High and High School. Actually until after my 1st yr of Bible School. I had a competition with some other girls to see who would be under 100 by grad. I bawled when I was 103. I over exercised and watched what I ate. It never got super bad like being hospitalized but my self esteem and view of myself was low.
It was at the training of a summer missions trip I was part of where I received my healing. We talked about footholds that Satan had in our lives and how we needed to find freedom in Jesus through that. I knew right away I needed prayer. I was already planning how I was going to avoid or skip meals and how I was going to watch my weight that summer. I knew this was taking my eyes off of Jesus and off of what He wanted to do in and through me that summer.
The leaders invited me to read Song of Songs chapter 4 over and over as they prayed with me, over me and tried to help me see where the roots were in my life that caused me to have this mindset. I grew up having a little bit of a pot belly. Not huge but not muscular either. People made comments. In grade 8 someone who was supposed to be a friend drew a picture of me as being fat and passed it around the class. Everyone saw it but me. Thankfully a friend told me about it. I vowed after that to never be FAT. And thus began the spiral.
The verse that stood out to me during this was Song of Songs 4:7: "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." I read this verse over and over until I could finally muster up some faith to believe this was true about me. That night I experienced freedom over the mindset and anorexia. And I feel like Satan lost some hold of my life at that point. That night when I was trying to sleep I heard a roaring voice in the room. Another girl who was sleeping in the same room heard it as well. I saw body parts on the ceiling and it was rather scary. But I prayed to Jesus and rebuked Satan and I experienced peace and freedom and fell asleep.
Do you know that a high percentage of people who have had some sort of trauma in their life like sexual abuse for example, have eating disorders? Not all, but a lot. So after this training night I also had some yrs of counseling for other things from my past and have had a much better perspective of myself and my body. It's been a process. I do not like hearing people complain about their weight. And now the perspective I have is that when we put ourselves down, our looks, our bodies, our abilities we are putting down the CREATOR who created us. He says in the Bible that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. If I put myself down it's like I am telling God He didn't do a good job.
However words are powerful. When I was pregnant I was introduced to someone I didn't know well. The person introducing me didn't have any mean intention but made a comment of how huge I looked. I went home that night and ended up in tears. When body image used to be something I struggled with a lot it was hard to have my body change and grow. Yes pregnancy is amazing and a miracle but your body changes in ways you've never experienced before.
Now fast forward to this last almost 2 yrs. In fall of 2016 I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos. I was trying to figure out how to best eat for those two diseases. I did research on eating the auto-immune protocol diet. Each disease had it's own diet that seemed to conflict at times. One diet told me to eat broccoli, etc the other said not to. After much stressing I did my best to limit the broccoli and foods in that family, to go gluten free and sugar free. I started losing weight. Then I got sick and eventually found out I had cancer. Now for sure I wanted to limit my cancer as I had read that glucose/sugar is like food for the cancer cells. 4 surgeries later and I was down 40 lbs. At my lowest, 77 lbs, my husband said I looked like death. For the last yr he felt like every time he was going to hug me he might break me. At first I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was a walking skeleton basically. I had to shop in the children's stores for clothes. I struggle to sit for long as I don't have a lot of fat on my butt so sitting on a tail bone is pretty painful.
However over time this has become my normal. I've gotten used to this body even though I knew it wasn't healthy. I tried to eat. I stuffed my face but due to having no colon I couldn't eat fiber, a lot of veggies and fruits, etc. Sugary foods ran through me too. At times it felt like all I was thinking about was food and figuring out what I could eat, and I tried my best to gain weight.
Now in the last 3 weeks I have gained 4 maybe 5 lbs. This is huge after having only gained 3 or 4 lbs in the last yr. But my body is changing and it's taking some getting used to. Clothes are fitting a little snugger. This is all good, I know that. Yet remember, I used to have an anorexic mindset and I am aware that I need to be careful where my thoughts go.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8
This is a verse I need to focus on. To capture my thoughts and give them to Jesus. I have talked to my doctor and nurse to let them know that I am fully aware that gaining weight might affect me. I don't want it to yet I also want to be aware of it too. My husband told me he no longer just sees my bones when he looks at my back. I know I look healthier. For one I am more hydrated and that helps big time. I barely drank this last yr because if I did food would run through me faster. TPN bypasses my gut and gets hydration and nutrients into my cells.
Knowing that words have positively or negatively affected me lately has also had me thinking about what words I use with my kids. Am I saying things that build them up or tear their spirits down even if it's not intentional?
I am also aware that it's easier for someone to comment and tell someone that they look good when they are losing weight. But it's harder to know what to say to someone trying to gain weight. Overall I am thankful that I am looking healthier, that I feel like I have a little more energy and life in me too. Thanks for the prayers, please keep them coming.
I have been asked to share my testimony later this month at a ladies event. There are so many stories I could tell but I really want to glorify God and share what it is that He wants me to share. I long for my words to be an encouragement to the ladies that attend. I'd appreciate your prayers as I seek God and what it is He wants me to share.
Wednesday, 27 June 2018
TPN-one week in
I came out of surgery to find out that they had attempted to put the port in on the right side but were unable to so they had to put it in on the left. They had thought they might have nicked my lung but the x-ray proved otherwise, thankfully. That night I started TPN for the first time.
All the training sessions later I still felt overwhelmed trying to make sure I kept things clean and sterile in order to make sure I don't have any infections, clots, etc. Thankfully I was able to take some videos during our last training session so on the first night my hubby played the video beside me while I tried to slowly figure it all out.
I am getting much quicker now at hooking up at night and unhooking in the morning. I have yet to attempt the gripper (needle) change that will happen once a week. That's too hard to wrap my head around stabbing myself with a needle. So thankfully this Thursday when I go to get my stitches out they will also change my gripper.
Many people have asked how I am feeling. I guess they, along with myself, thought I'd feel really good on TPN. To be honest it's been pretty brutal. I have neck and back/shoulder pain (later learned that muscle in the front was cut to insert the port and that stress and tension has affected the muscles in the back ) so sleeping has been difficult. I experienced nausea, a horrible headache for a number of days, exhaustion from not sleeping well at night. Normally I was up once or twice a night before TPN. Now I am up some times almost ever hour and a half or 2 hrs. The bags under my eyes have gotten bigger and puffier and my capacity to care for myself/home/kids, etc has been minimal. I am thankful for the few meals that were brought this week and for friends and family who have helped out with the kiddos and rides, etc. Recent blood work showed my phosphate levels are too high which may be the reason for my weakness. So now I await more TPN bags that will be delivered without phosphate this time and then I need to get my blood drawn up next week to see if those levels come down. I wish we lived closer to a larger center to get blood work. Usually it's a 45 min to an hr drive to a lab that can do this type of blood work for me. And my nurse informed me that some of her clients feel nauseated on TPN and she hoped I wasn't gonna be one of them. I can only pray that things will get better from here on out.
When it is easy to see all the negative I am trying to find things to be thankful for. It's one way I can try to be an example for my kids. I am trying to teach them to not focus on just the negatives of their days but to list of the positives too. I am thankful for the caring medical staff team I have. What a gift! I am thankful that yesterday was better than the previous week and even though today I am not feeling amazing I am feeling better than when I was at my worst last week.
Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me and my little family. I am forever grateful for you.
FACING YOUR GIANTS
It has not been easy trying to figure out how to take care of myself when I am needing to help my kids work through some heavy stuff in their lives. But it is what I need to do in this season so that they can work through some of their giants in their life and be able to be more secure in Jesus through it. Before I had my port put in on Tuesday of last week my son admitted that he was worried I might die. To try to ease his worries I promised I would write a letter for him (and his dad and sister) to read when I went into the day surgery. When I asked my son what would happen if I did pass away he pointed out a few of the milestones in his life that I would miss. I assured him that if I died I would be in heaven. After this last year all the more death is not something I am afraid of. Yet for my kids, I understand how traumatic it was seeing me so ill and spending so many months in and out of the hospital last yr. I assured him that He has an amazing dad who would take such good care of them. Yet after that conversation I feel more of a desire to blog more of my life story, to work on the journal Bibles I started for my kids and to write letters when I get a chance to so that they will have "fingerprints" of mine left behind if one day the Lord finally takes me home.
I heard this song today too. Oh my dear kids I long for you to know the reckless love that the Father has for you. He's good no matter how hard life seems to be. He is faithful and will never never leave nor forsake you. He loves you so much and wants to kick down the lies you are believing about you or your life circumstances. He is in pursuit of a relationship with you!
Sunday, 3 June 2018
He speaks!
My little girl has a neat little Bible that I read to her at night. It's about various women in the Bible. As I read one of the stories to my little girl last night I realized that I needed to take some time to go back over that story on my own because I believed God was speaking to me.
Here are some quotes from this story that stood out to me: "I'm usually a happy, positive person, but those hard times took the sparkle right out of my eyes. I felt like I was under a stormy cloud, and I couldn't find much to be happy about."
"That's when I discovered Ruth's story in the Bible. Her tale starts off even worse than my summer did. But she kept on going. She looked up to God and His people for help. The more I read, the more I realized: God has a good plan in store, even though we may not see it at the moment."
"Their lives (Ruth and Naomi) had been full of death and loss, but God brought them to a better place than they could have ever dreamed." (When I read this I had to stop to reflect. My life last yr felt like it was full of potential death and much loss...of health, friends, home, etc. But I know that God has brought us here to Canada, to the little town we now call home. And I am asking the Lord to open my eyes to be able to see that He has a plan and that this story is not over. It doesn't end with loss, He's at work and Has a plan for me and my family, even though we can't see it right now).
"Life can be a pretty awesome, beautiful thing." "But then the hard times come- like death, divorce, broken friendships, or whatever hurts our hearts-and suddenly it's hard to see the beauty. Everything looks so dark and hopeless. We start to wonder if God even cares.
Ruth reminds me that He does. God's stories in our lives never end on a bad note because He has something incredible planned for every one of His children. Like Ruth, we just have to keep hoping and trusting in God. I can't wait to see what He has planned for me-and for you too! Like little birds, He has us tucked right under His wing, where He loves us, protects us, and helps us grow closer to Him. Don't worry if you're tired or it's dark right now. The lights will shine again, and you'll be ready to fly!"
"Lord, you are always taking care of me, even when life gets really hard. Thank you!"
Here are some quotes from this story that stood out to me: "I'm usually a happy, positive person, but those hard times took the sparkle right out of my eyes. I felt like I was under a stormy cloud, and I couldn't find much to be happy about."
"That's when I discovered Ruth's story in the Bible. Her tale starts off even worse than my summer did. But she kept on going. She looked up to God and His people for help. The more I read, the more I realized: God has a good plan in store, even though we may not see it at the moment."
"Their lives (Ruth and Naomi) had been full of death and loss, but God brought them to a better place than they could have ever dreamed." (When I read this I had to stop to reflect. My life last yr felt like it was full of potential death and much loss...of health, friends, home, etc. But I know that God has brought us here to Canada, to the little town we now call home. And I am asking the Lord to open my eyes to be able to see that He has a plan and that this story is not over. It doesn't end with loss, He's at work and Has a plan for me and my family, even though we can't see it right now).
"Life can be a pretty awesome, beautiful thing." "But then the hard times come- like death, divorce, broken friendships, or whatever hurts our hearts-and suddenly it's hard to see the beauty. Everything looks so dark and hopeless. We start to wonder if God even cares.
Ruth reminds me that He does. God's stories in our lives never end on a bad note because He has something incredible planned for every one of His children. Like Ruth, we just have to keep hoping and trusting in God. I can't wait to see what He has planned for me-and for you too! Like little birds, He has us tucked right under His wing, where He loves us, protects us, and helps us grow closer to Him. Don't worry if you're tired or it's dark right now. The lights will shine again, and you'll be ready to fly!"
"Lord, you are always taking care of me, even when life gets really hard. Thank you!"
Thursday, 31 May 2018
Health Update
Wow, it's been almost a month since I last wrote. Trev and I celebrated 14 yrs of marriage. My hubby wrote me a love letter and gave it to me that day. He mentioned that there were times in the last yr he wondered if I'd ever make it to another anniversary. He admitted he prayed we'd grow old together but at times didn't have the strength to pray that. However, he is finally starting to be able to pray that again. We watched the Stars On Ice figure skating event for our anniversary. We loved it. We sat next to two older ladies. One lady mentioned it was her 31st wedding anniversary but that it was ok her husband wasn't at the event with her because after 31 yrs it didn't really matter. However, when you face death and walk through that valley together, each anniversary, special event, birthday, etc is worth celebrating! So I proceeded to share that for us each anniversary meant a lot to us and was worth celebrating after having had cancer last yr. My prayer is that I will get to grow old with my husband and that together we will see our kids get baptized, married, have kids, etc.
Mother's Day felt significant too. Last yr on Mother's Day it was my first day I was really able to get out of the house and go to the waterside with my family, free of drainage tubes, catheters, etc. I only lasted an hr but I went out in an attempt to spend time with my little family and to create memories. This yr we were able to go to a neat little mini golf location and have fun playing golf together. Even though I didn't feel amazing that day I just really wanted the day to feel normal for my kids.
On May 15th I finally met with the GI specialist I had been waiting MONTHS to see. It was a hard conversation knowing that we had tried all we could to help me gain weight so that the next step was TPN (Total parenteral nutrition (TPN). TPN is a method of feeding that bypasses the gastrointestinal tract. Fluids are given into a vein to provide most of the nutrients the body needs. The method is used when a person cannot or should not receive feedings or fluids by mouth.) So since then I have had 2 of 8 training sessions that I need in order to learn how to sterilize and set up a work station, all the medical supplies I will need to order from Calgary, how to clean and change the dressings, how to insert the needle and clean the port I will be getting and how to set up and unhook the TPN. Eventually I will be fed for 10 to 12 hrs at night.
My first training session had me in tears. I walked in to the little room and saw this dummy on the table. I had to decide if I wanted a port or a tunnel line. One would mean I could never remove it and I couldn't swim in case I would get water or sand into it. The other meant a longer day surgery where the port would be inserted into a cavity that will be formed by the surgeon. It means that once a week I can remove the gripper (needle part that sticks out and the tubing) for 12 hrs and attend the beach with my kiddos. Both of these options have risks like infection, blood clots, etc. The TPN can cause my bone density to decrease and it can also cause liver or kidney failure. They are also concerned about something called, "re-feeding" which I think I understand means that right now my body does know how to digest (just struggles to absorb the nutrients and runs through too fast) however in the beginning I will be mostly on TPN and not eating food so their worry is that my body might forget how to digest. So I will be having to do a lot of blood work fairly frequently to monitor the liver and kidney and my blood levels.
I need to sanitize a fridge downstairs that will be just for my TPN (I think I understand that I will have about 2 weeks supply in there at a time). I need to sanitize my bedroom and bathroom and set up a work station to store all my medical supplies and to be able to change my own bandages, give myself the needed needles in my port and hook up and unhook the TPN. The hope is to get me from 84 lbs to 100 lbs. So at this point I do not know how long I will have TPN for. I am guessing months to a yr or more. This will take a lot of adjustment for me. The thought of having another day surgery scares me. My brain has slowed down a lot in the last yr from the 5 times I was put under for procedures or surgeries, from the chemo and just stress of the last yr and perhaps from being in forced menopause. So I do feel a lot dumber or slower in my processing and a lot quicker to get stressed(thus I hate city driving all the more). Though I am underweight and take handfuls of meds a day I have figured out how to manage but now getting TPN means readjusting to life and learning all over again how to create a new normal for me and my family. And I also am aware that I will need to really work on my mindset so that I don't get discouraged but see this as a took being used to help me gain the needed energy and health to get stronger and be a better mom/wife that my family needs.
On June 19th I will get my port. On June 14th or so the TPN should be arriving at my home. We were hoping to head up north for July long to see my family but I am not sure how that will look if I have this TPN now. One day at a time. In Matthew the Lord reminds us to not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own. So I need to take it one day at a time. And Romans 12:12 stood out to me twice this week, "Be joyful in HOPE, patient in AFFLICTION, faithful in PRAYER." Father please fill me with renewed hope, with supernatural patients for myself, my circumstances and for my family and the needs around me when so often I have little strength to even just care for my own needs. And please help me to be faithful in my prayer life. I know from experience when I focus on the needs of others or pray for others I can more easily take my eyes of myself and my circumstances.
The kids continue to adjust to life here. They would give anything to move back overseas. To be with their friends and those who were like family to us there. My son is enjoying baseball and it's been fun to see him growing and improving in a sport he longed to play for yrs but never had the chance to till now so he does have some catching up to do. The kids enjoy having a yard after 5 yrs of living in an apartment. They are making use of the free second hand trampoline they were given. I am enjoying watching my little garden start to grown, hearing the birds singing in my yard and having space for my kids to play in. My husband has been busy at work, helping to coach my son's baseball and then with church related duties like ministerial meetings, youth pastor search committee or preparing for June 10th when he will be preaching so I have not seen much of him these days. Baseball is fun but makes life more busy and my poor brain is already so overwhelmed at all the training, things to remember and setting up needed to get this TPN started that some times I get overwhelmed when I see all the things needed to be done in the house and on the yard and when I see the calendar filling up with different appointments and activities. So this morning has been nice to have a few hours to myself to blog and reflect.
Though I really am NOT excited about what's to come this month I am choosing to see the Lord at work as I have had the opportunity twice so far to share parts of my testimony with my nurse who is doing my training. The one day she asked questions and sat and listened for almost a half hr. I know that the Lord is taking my "story" and giving me opportunities to share about how He was/is faithfully walking with me through all of this. And my desire is that I can give God glory and praise for Who He Is and for His power at work in my life...especially when I am weak.
Mother's Day felt significant too. Last yr on Mother's Day it was my first day I was really able to get out of the house and go to the waterside with my family, free of drainage tubes, catheters, etc. I only lasted an hr but I went out in an attempt to spend time with my little family and to create memories. This yr we were able to go to a neat little mini golf location and have fun playing golf together. Even though I didn't feel amazing that day I just really wanted the day to feel normal for my kids.
On May 15th I finally met with the GI specialist I had been waiting MONTHS to see. It was a hard conversation knowing that we had tried all we could to help me gain weight so that the next step was TPN (Total parenteral nutrition (TPN). TPN is a method of feeding that bypasses the gastrointestinal tract. Fluids are given into a vein to provide most of the nutrients the body needs. The method is used when a person cannot or should not receive feedings or fluids by mouth.) So since then I have had 2 of 8 training sessions that I need in order to learn how to sterilize and set up a work station, all the medical supplies I will need to order from Calgary, how to clean and change the dressings, how to insert the needle and clean the port I will be getting and how to set up and unhook the TPN. Eventually I will be fed for 10 to 12 hrs at night.
My first training session had me in tears. I walked in to the little room and saw this dummy on the table. I had to decide if I wanted a port or a tunnel line. One would mean I could never remove it and I couldn't swim in case I would get water or sand into it. The other meant a longer day surgery where the port would be inserted into a cavity that will be formed by the surgeon. It means that once a week I can remove the gripper (needle part that sticks out and the tubing) for 12 hrs and attend the beach with my kiddos. Both of these options have risks like infection, blood clots, etc. The TPN can cause my bone density to decrease and it can also cause liver or kidney failure. They are also concerned about something called, "re-feeding" which I think I understand means that right now my body does know how to digest (just struggles to absorb the nutrients and runs through too fast) however in the beginning I will be mostly on TPN and not eating food so their worry is that my body might forget how to digest. So I will be having to do a lot of blood work fairly frequently to monitor the liver and kidney and my blood levels.
I need to sanitize a fridge downstairs that will be just for my TPN (I think I understand that I will have about 2 weeks supply in there at a time). I need to sanitize my bedroom and bathroom and set up a work station to store all my medical supplies and to be able to change my own bandages, give myself the needed needles in my port and hook up and unhook the TPN. The hope is to get me from 84 lbs to 100 lbs. So at this point I do not know how long I will have TPN for. I am guessing months to a yr or more. This will take a lot of adjustment for me. The thought of having another day surgery scares me. My brain has slowed down a lot in the last yr from the 5 times I was put under for procedures or surgeries, from the chemo and just stress of the last yr and perhaps from being in forced menopause. So I do feel a lot dumber or slower in my processing and a lot quicker to get stressed(thus I hate city driving all the more). Though I am underweight and take handfuls of meds a day I have figured out how to manage but now getting TPN means readjusting to life and learning all over again how to create a new normal for me and my family. And I also am aware that I will need to really work on my mindset so that I don't get discouraged but see this as a took being used to help me gain the needed energy and health to get stronger and be a better mom/wife that my family needs.
On June 19th I will get my port. On June 14th or so the TPN should be arriving at my home. We were hoping to head up north for July long to see my family but I am not sure how that will look if I have this TPN now. One day at a time. In Matthew the Lord reminds us to not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own. So I need to take it one day at a time. And Romans 12:12 stood out to me twice this week, "Be joyful in HOPE, patient in AFFLICTION, faithful in PRAYER." Father please fill me with renewed hope, with supernatural patients for myself, my circumstances and for my family and the needs around me when so often I have little strength to even just care for my own needs. And please help me to be faithful in my prayer life. I know from experience when I focus on the needs of others or pray for others I can more easily take my eyes of myself and my circumstances.
The kids continue to adjust to life here. They would give anything to move back overseas. To be with their friends and those who were like family to us there. My son is enjoying baseball and it's been fun to see him growing and improving in a sport he longed to play for yrs but never had the chance to till now so he does have some catching up to do. The kids enjoy having a yard after 5 yrs of living in an apartment. They are making use of the free second hand trampoline they were given. I am enjoying watching my little garden start to grown, hearing the birds singing in my yard and having space for my kids to play in. My husband has been busy at work, helping to coach my son's baseball and then with church related duties like ministerial meetings, youth pastor search committee or preparing for June 10th when he will be preaching so I have not seen much of him these days. Baseball is fun but makes life more busy and my poor brain is already so overwhelmed at all the training, things to remember and setting up needed to get this TPN started that some times I get overwhelmed when I see all the things needed to be done in the house and on the yard and when I see the calendar filling up with different appointments and activities. So this morning has been nice to have a few hours to myself to blog and reflect.
Though I really am NOT excited about what's to come this month I am choosing to see the Lord at work as I have had the opportunity twice so far to share parts of my testimony with my nurse who is doing my training. The one day she asked questions and sat and listened for almost a half hr. I know that the Lord is taking my "story" and giving me opportunities to share about how He was/is faithfully walking with me through all of this. And my desire is that I can give God glory and praise for Who He Is and for His power at work in my life...especially when I am weak.
Sunday, 29 April 2018
Missing T
Today I got to watch my niece make a public declaration of her love for Jesus and watch her get baptized. I had tears in my eyes. I was so proud of her. I am so thankful for the godly role model that she is to my kiddos. And I am so excited that she's on a journey of learning to hear God's voice. And I am so thankful that this morning happened to be a "good" morning for me health wise which meant I was able to fully engage with others and the Lord during the service which I have been needing lately.
During the service my little girl said, "In T we were able to gather all around those who got baptized but here we can't?" The baptismal tub was on stage here so it was different. This made me miss our church experience in T. I miss the worship, the dancing, the passion, the prayer times. I miss the exuberant worship times. Though I struggled due to the language barrier I loved being able to watch the people gather around each other at the end of a service and prophetically pray over each other. Some times it feels like it was years ago that we lived there. But just today, my mom sent me a note saying "it was hard to believe just a yr ago today they left T after coming to visit us and help us pack up for our move back to Canada. Wow, what a yr. I am so thankful my family was able to come out there and see what our life was like there, meet our community and help me with the kids and packing up as I was just released from the hospital the day they arrived for their visit there. I miss our friends, community and life there. I know that with my health situation there is no way I could be living there right now but it feels like it would take a miracle to even get back there for a visit to be able to say a proper good-bye for closure.
Now it feels weird to think about the possibility of being in the hospital again. I finally have a Dr. appointment for May 15th to see the GI specialist at the Manitoba Home Nutrition program. We will be discussing the pros and cons of TPN and I guess when and if I will start on it. If so I could very well end up in the hospital for a few days, have to get a pic line put in, and have my blood work monitored to make sure everything is working. I know I will need prayer as the whole having to stay in a hospital will bring up some feelings from a yr ago that I don't want to have to revisit. I will need to soak in the Word of God and listen to Worship music to keep my spirits up especially during that time. I had a sweet hospital room all to myself in T. Here, I will most likely have to have a roommate which I am not looking forward to either (but I will pray that the Father will use me if that is the case to be a blessing to my roommate). I guess I was spoiled when it came to hospital experiences in T. The nurses were at my becking call there and always willing and ready to help. Except when I was begging for more meds and they'd tell me I'd have to still wait an hr or more yet to get my next dose. I know if I have to stay a few days in the hospital that will be hard on my kids and I am praying that childcare will get worked out for that time too. My son has his spring concert on the 16th and I was supposed to do a spiritual retreat with some friends on the 18th so I am hoping if I am supposed to be in the hospital that it will wait till after the 18th.
And perhaps the Dr will tell me I am fine at 82.4 lbs and don't need TPN. Who knows! In the mean time I will keep trucking along. Spring has sprung which means I need to figure out how to garden again (it's been over 10 yrs since I planted my own garden). I found out my little girl's babysitter is really busy working a different job this month so she won't be available. This just means I will need even more energy to be a good mom, take care of my house and my yard and not get a many naps in as I would like.
This morning I got up early to spend time with Jesus. The words, "RESPOND DON'T REACT" came to mind. Oh how I need the Lord's help to respond and not react when it comes to parenting and dealing with situations that arise in our home. I believe we (especially the kids and I) are still adjusting to life here in Canada which means some days there are emotions that are high (or low) in our home. I have been working at growing my own little home business but this takes up time and energy. I need to make sure I don't neglect my relationship with Jesus and my little family either. BALANCE...it's all about balance. The verse I have on my black board that I am trying to focus on right now is James 1:19NLT: "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to LISTEN, slow to SPEAK, and slow to get angry." I am not perfect. In fact I am so very weak physically and emotionally these days but it's in my weakness that He gives me His strength. I am so thankful for those people who have either dropped by this week or stopped me at church or sent a message to tell me that they are still praying for me.
During the service my little girl said, "In T we were able to gather all around those who got baptized but here we can't?" The baptismal tub was on stage here so it was different. This made me miss our church experience in T. I miss the worship, the dancing, the passion, the prayer times. I miss the exuberant worship times. Though I struggled due to the language barrier I loved being able to watch the people gather around each other at the end of a service and prophetically pray over each other. Some times it feels like it was years ago that we lived there. But just today, my mom sent me a note saying "it was hard to believe just a yr ago today they left T after coming to visit us and help us pack up for our move back to Canada. Wow, what a yr. I am so thankful my family was able to come out there and see what our life was like there, meet our community and help me with the kids and packing up as I was just released from the hospital the day they arrived for their visit there. I miss our friends, community and life there. I know that with my health situation there is no way I could be living there right now but it feels like it would take a miracle to even get back there for a visit to be able to say a proper good-bye for closure.
Now it feels weird to think about the possibility of being in the hospital again. I finally have a Dr. appointment for May 15th to see the GI specialist at the Manitoba Home Nutrition program. We will be discussing the pros and cons of TPN and I guess when and if I will start on it. If so I could very well end up in the hospital for a few days, have to get a pic line put in, and have my blood work monitored to make sure everything is working. I know I will need prayer as the whole having to stay in a hospital will bring up some feelings from a yr ago that I don't want to have to revisit. I will need to soak in the Word of God and listen to Worship music to keep my spirits up especially during that time. I had a sweet hospital room all to myself in T. Here, I will most likely have to have a roommate which I am not looking forward to either (but I will pray that the Father will use me if that is the case to be a blessing to my roommate). I guess I was spoiled when it came to hospital experiences in T. The nurses were at my becking call there and always willing and ready to help. Except when I was begging for more meds and they'd tell me I'd have to still wait an hr or more yet to get my next dose. I know if I have to stay a few days in the hospital that will be hard on my kids and I am praying that childcare will get worked out for that time too. My son has his spring concert on the 16th and I was supposed to do a spiritual retreat with some friends on the 18th so I am hoping if I am supposed to be in the hospital that it will wait till after the 18th.
And perhaps the Dr will tell me I am fine at 82.4 lbs and don't need TPN. Who knows! In the mean time I will keep trucking along. Spring has sprung which means I need to figure out how to garden again (it's been over 10 yrs since I planted my own garden). I found out my little girl's babysitter is really busy working a different job this month so she won't be available. This just means I will need even more energy to be a good mom, take care of my house and my yard and not get a many naps in as I would like.
This morning I got up early to spend time with Jesus. The words, "RESPOND DON'T REACT" came to mind. Oh how I need the Lord's help to respond and not react when it comes to parenting and dealing with situations that arise in our home. I believe we (especially the kids and I) are still adjusting to life here in Canada which means some days there are emotions that are high (or low) in our home. I have been working at growing my own little home business but this takes up time and energy. I need to make sure I don't neglect my relationship with Jesus and my little family either. BALANCE...it's all about balance. The verse I have on my black board that I am trying to focus on right now is James 1:19NLT: "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to LISTEN, slow to SPEAK, and slow to get angry." I am not perfect. In fact I am so very weak physically and emotionally these days but it's in my weakness that He gives me His strength. I am so thankful for those people who have either dropped by this week or stopped me at church or sent a message to tell me that they are still praying for me.
Friday, 20 April 2018
Spring
Spring is starting to arrive. Yesterday was beautiful. I have been enjoying watching the Blue Jay in my back yard, hearing the birds chirp, feeling the sunshine on my skin and going for a little walk with my kiddos while they are on their scooters. Spring...a new season. Last year I feel like I missed out on Spring. I was finally out of the hospital but I was still healing. My family was out to help us pack up our apartment and to help take care of the kiddos while I spent the time resting, healing, going to doctor appointments, and trying really hard to get strong enough to get on the plane to fly and move back to Canada. Some how it feels like last Spring just flew by and I missed out. However it's a new season and I feel stronger than I did a yr ago. I still lack a lot of energy but I now am able to ride my bike with my son for a short bike ride or walk alongside my little girl on her scooter. I am able to sit and enjoy the Canadian geese standing outside the window rather than laying in bed feeling miserable and wondering if life would ever get better which is what I did a yr ago. So there is hope. Spring reminds me of HOPE, of newness and life. So I am praying that the Lord will met me in a special way this season. I had coffee with someone this week and just realized how much of "in a funk" I was feeling. Purpose, I long for purpose. The Lord has decided He's not ready to take me HOME yet so I am just wondering what my PURPOSE is here on earth. Yes, I am here to be a light, a testimony of Jesus' love, healing and presence. But how does that shine through my every day life? I am not sure. I do find it interesting that I have had the privilege of walking alongside a couple people in their grief over the loss of a loved one in their life since I have been back to Canada. I count that a privilege because grief is so real and raw and hard and not everyone gets it. Not everyone is willing to talk about death and loss and love and life like that.
I have been behind in my blogging. Life has been busy. We visited my family for Easter and I enjoyed connecting with my 98 yr old Grandpa. Then we celebrated my son's birthday and well life just got busy. But I really do want to continue to write out my "story" for my family to have. So many ideas or what to write, just got to figure out where to start. Some stories will be written down but not put on the blog as they are too intimate to put out there on the world wide web at this point but I want me kids to have my WHOLE story...the good, the painful parts, the bad, the ugly, the joyfilled parts...the truth. If I were to ever pass away I want them to have stories so that they can remember who I was and how Christ grabbed ahold of broken me and transformed me into HIS likeness.
I have been behind in my blogging. Life has been busy. We visited my family for Easter and I enjoyed connecting with my 98 yr old Grandpa. Then we celebrated my son's birthday and well life just got busy. But I really do want to continue to write out my "story" for my family to have. So many ideas or what to write, just got to figure out where to start. Some stories will be written down but not put on the blog as they are too intimate to put out there on the world wide web at this point but I want me kids to have my WHOLE story...the good, the painful parts, the bad, the ugly, the joyfilled parts...the truth. If I were to ever pass away I want them to have stories so that they can remember who I was and how Christ grabbed ahold of broken me and transformed me into HIS likeness.
Friday, 6 April 2018
He's Growing UP
My son's birthday is just around the corner. Seeing as in a different post I wrote a little about my miscarriages and my pregnancy with my little girl I wanted to share a bit of my son's story.
We got married in 2003 and we had our lives all planned out. We were gonna go on a short term missions trip to Africa and after that was finished we were going to head to Korea to teach English. The plan was to make money, come back to Canada and then start a family. Well things didn't go as planned. We had applied to teach English after our 10 mths on the program and spending 8 of those in Africa. However, because the Bible School where we met became accredited and changed it's name in-between when I graduated, and when my husband did, our degrees looks similar and yet different. They were having issues with forged degrees and so they just assumed ours were as well. So in the end that plan fell through. My husband used to work at the local Credit Union so he went to see the manager to see if there was a job available. The manager laughed and said he has already ordered a suit in my husband's size because God has told him my husband would be back working there.
So we decided to put down roots in our small town for a bit. I started to work in the office at a local factory. However, what I really wanted was to be a mom. I didn't enjoy going to work before my husband and getting home after he did. I did not enjoy my job and all I wanted was to be pregnant. But that didn't happen right away. Months of disappointment and negative pregnancy tests went by.
One day we were reading our Bible and working through the devotional OUR DAILY BREAD together. My husband read the reading and verse from the "wrong" day without knowing it. The verse for that day was 2 Kings 4:16: New International Version (NIV)
16 “About this time next year,” Elisha said, “you will hold a son in your arms.”
When we realized we read the wrong reading, we looked at each other and wondered if this wasn't the Lord speaking to us.
Eventually I quit my job and started at a new factory in the office. I enjoyed this work environment much better. I remember seeing my Dr. and starting basic fertility testing. I had a painful HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM the first month I started the new job. 2 months later I woke up realizing that if that verse from a few months before was true I should do a pregnancy test because I would be pregnant. Sure enough we finally had a +pregnancy test. We were overjoyed. We kept it a secret for a bit. I remember a dear teacher friend of mine, with the gift of prophecy, had been praying for us for the months we had been trying and praying for a baby. I found out I was expecting around the end of August and at the beginning of September she sent me an email asking if I was pregnant because she felt the Lord had told her I was pregnant but she hadn't heard from me yet. :0)
All through my pregnancy the Dr. thought I was gonna have a girl but I knew in my heart that it was a boy. My water broke after 5 in the am on April 15th but after 19.5 hrs of labour my son's heart beat was going crazy. I had a wicked cold and I so tired. After midnight they decided to perform a c-section. I was pretty out of it from the meds but I do remember when he came out saying, "I knew it all along, scripture was right! It's a boy."
I can't believe that little boy will soon be 11. He's grown up so much. We love our son and are proud of him. I appreciate how KIND he is to others and how he loves to LEARN. He loves facts, reading, knowledge and LEGO. He likes to joke around too. He is our first little miracle and we are so thankful for him. He loves to dress up in dress shirts and ties or suit jackets and he has a little business mind. We look forward to seeing how the Lord will use our son in the future.
We got married in 2003 and we had our lives all planned out. We were gonna go on a short term missions trip to Africa and after that was finished we were going to head to Korea to teach English. The plan was to make money, come back to Canada and then start a family. Well things didn't go as planned. We had applied to teach English after our 10 mths on the program and spending 8 of those in Africa. However, because the Bible School where we met became accredited and changed it's name in-between when I graduated, and when my husband did, our degrees looks similar and yet different. They were having issues with forged degrees and so they just assumed ours were as well. So in the end that plan fell through. My husband used to work at the local Credit Union so he went to see the manager to see if there was a job available. The manager laughed and said he has already ordered a suit in my husband's size because God has told him my husband would be back working there.
So we decided to put down roots in our small town for a bit. I started to work in the office at a local factory. However, what I really wanted was to be a mom. I didn't enjoy going to work before my husband and getting home after he did. I did not enjoy my job and all I wanted was to be pregnant. But that didn't happen right away. Months of disappointment and negative pregnancy tests went by.
One day we were reading our Bible and working through the devotional OUR DAILY BREAD together. My husband read the reading and verse from the "wrong" day without knowing it. The verse for that day was 2 Kings 4:16: New International Version (NIV)
16 “About this time next year,” Elisha said, “you will hold a son in your arms.”
When we realized we read the wrong reading, we looked at each other and wondered if this wasn't the Lord speaking to us.
Eventually I quit my job and started at a new factory in the office. I enjoyed this work environment much better. I remember seeing my Dr. and starting basic fertility testing. I had a painful HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM the first month I started the new job. 2 months later I woke up realizing that if that verse from a few months before was true I should do a pregnancy test because I would be pregnant. Sure enough we finally had a +pregnancy test. We were overjoyed. We kept it a secret for a bit. I remember a dear teacher friend of mine, with the gift of prophecy, had been praying for us for the months we had been trying and praying for a baby. I found out I was expecting around the end of August and at the beginning of September she sent me an email asking if I was pregnant because she felt the Lord had told her I was pregnant but she hadn't heard from me yet. :0)
All through my pregnancy the Dr. thought I was gonna have a girl but I knew in my heart that it was a boy. My water broke after 5 in the am on April 15th but after 19.5 hrs of labour my son's heart beat was going crazy. I had a wicked cold and I so tired. After midnight they decided to perform a c-section. I was pretty out of it from the meds but I do remember when he came out saying, "I knew it all along, scripture was right! It's a boy."
I can't believe that little boy will soon be 11. He's grown up so much. We love our son and are proud of him. I appreciate how KIND he is to others and how he loves to LEARN. He loves facts, reading, knowledge and LEGO. He likes to joke around too. He is our first little miracle and we are so thankful for him. He loves to dress up in dress shirts and ties or suit jackets and he has a little business mind. We look forward to seeing how the Lord will use our son in the future.
Wednesday, 4 April 2018
CT results
I posted this on FB this week:
"My recent CT scan was clear. I am 82.4 lbs. Lost weight again. I stuffed my face so much lately but still lost weight...so frustrating. He said it is not his speciality to deal w the pain and short bowel issues. The pain Dr. I have will continue to help me manage my pain. The oncologist manages my disease. He said right now we can say i am in remission according to the scans. This disease could come back within the first 2 yrs or 5 or 10. But i felt weird to hear the remission word today. I am thankful but just wish i felt better. He is gonna request that my GI appointment (may 30) get moved up so we can talk w that specialist about TPN. Though oncologist said there r some risks with TPN like liver failure or kidney issues but at this point we r not sure if i have other options to fatten me up. If i were to get a flu i could not handle losing more weight...there is no fat reserve. This will all be discussed w the GI specialist. Please pray that appt will happen in April so i don't need to keep waiting for it. Thx. Blood pressure is still low but better than it was 2 weeks ago. I see my GP on Friday so will discuss w him about the thyroid issues , the reactive hypoglycemia and low blood pressure and tpn. I am now waiting to get routine blood work and a tumor marker test done. Thanks for the prayers. I am feeling pretty exhausted today."
I have been exhausted. Today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with the day to day tasks. I made a nice meal using my new instant pot that my mom gave me. But then I look around my house, I see all the spring cleaning, sorting and organizing that needs to be done and I am exhausted just thinking about it. I want a garden and our yard needs some serious loving this spring/summer but I honestly don't think I'll have energy to really plant a garden or maintain our yard and that makes me sad.
When my oncologist told me about my results being clear he said, "Thank God for small miracles." Well I am thankful. When he used the words "remission" it was hard to really embrace that word knowing I was told at one point this cancer doesn't ever really see remission. So I want to embrace it, to rejoice and to believe it. I have told my kids that the Dr. said there NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE. However, my little girl still doesn't understand why I am still "sick."
This past week she said, "Mommy, you used to be able to carry me when we lived in T. Maybe when I am 16 I will be able to carry you."
She often talks about how I am her little mommy. She talks a lot about heaven and death and how she thought I was gonna die last yr. She told me today that she figured I'd die first because I am smaller than my husband. I feel for my little girl that she has had to process all this at such a young age. I try my best to do normal life in my home but this week I feel like I am dragging myself. Like all I want to do is close my eyes but I can't. We continue to ask the Lord for full healing.
We took a long road trip up north to see my family for Easter. I was so nice to get out on the ski-doo for a ride with my hubby and to see my kids enjoying rides as well as sledding on the hill. My favorite part was visiting with my 98 yr old grandpa and hearing his stories of being a gunner and a pilot in WW2. My son interviewed him and we got some clips recorded. Knowing he won't live too many more yrs yet it will be a precious memory having him share those stories for us to listen to for yrs to come.
"My recent CT scan was clear. I am 82.4 lbs. Lost weight again. I stuffed my face so much lately but still lost weight...so frustrating. He said it is not his speciality to deal w the pain and short bowel issues. The pain Dr. I have will continue to help me manage my pain. The oncologist manages my disease. He said right now we can say i am in remission according to the scans. This disease could come back within the first 2 yrs or 5 or 10. But i felt weird to hear the remission word today. I am thankful but just wish i felt better. He is gonna request that my GI appointment (may 30) get moved up so we can talk w that specialist about TPN. Though oncologist said there r some risks with TPN like liver failure or kidney issues but at this point we r not sure if i have other options to fatten me up. If i were to get a flu i could not handle losing more weight...there is no fat reserve. This will all be discussed w the GI specialist. Please pray that appt will happen in April so i don't need to keep waiting for it. Thx. Blood pressure is still low but better than it was 2 weeks ago. I see my GP on Friday so will discuss w him about the thyroid issues , the reactive hypoglycemia and low blood pressure and tpn. I am now waiting to get routine blood work and a tumor marker test done. Thanks for the prayers. I am feeling pretty exhausted today."
I have been exhausted. Today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with the day to day tasks. I made a nice meal using my new instant pot that my mom gave me. But then I look around my house, I see all the spring cleaning, sorting and organizing that needs to be done and I am exhausted just thinking about it. I want a garden and our yard needs some serious loving this spring/summer but I honestly don't think I'll have energy to really plant a garden or maintain our yard and that makes me sad.
When my oncologist told me about my results being clear he said, "Thank God for small miracles." Well I am thankful. When he used the words "remission" it was hard to really embrace that word knowing I was told at one point this cancer doesn't ever really see remission. So I want to embrace it, to rejoice and to believe it. I have told my kids that the Dr. said there NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE. However, my little girl still doesn't understand why I am still "sick."
This past week she said, "Mommy, you used to be able to carry me when we lived in T. Maybe when I am 16 I will be able to carry you."
She often talks about how I am her little mommy. She talks a lot about heaven and death and how she thought I was gonna die last yr. She told me today that she figured I'd die first because I am smaller than my husband. I feel for my little girl that she has had to process all this at such a young age. I try my best to do normal life in my home but this week I feel like I am dragging myself. Like all I want to do is close my eyes but I can't. We continue to ask the Lord for full healing.
We took a long road trip up north to see my family for Easter. I was so nice to get out on the ski-doo for a ride with my hubby and to see my kids enjoying rides as well as sledding on the hill. My favorite part was visiting with my 98 yr old grandpa and hearing his stories of being a gunner and a pilot in WW2. My son interviewed him and we got some clips recorded. Knowing he won't live too many more yrs yet it will be a precious memory having him share those stories for us to listen to for yrs to come.
Friday, 16 March 2018
He is There
My son and I have been slowly working through a devotional book on prayer. We talked about some of the names of God this week and the one that stood out to both of us was "Jehovah Shammah" which means, "He is there." So I reflected on this a bit today as I processed with my son some hurtful words that were spoken to him during a sporting event, from some kids he didn't really know, and as I reflected on the loneliness I have been feeling lately. As I reminded my son of the TRUTH of who he is in Christ rather than those crude words that were spoken to him, we both found comfort in the reality that "The almighty God of the universe is with us." He was there through it all and is Here always with us. So no matter where you are at know that He knows everything, He's right there. He won't leave you.
This past weekend I found out that my friend Jody passed away from Goblet Cell Appendix cancer...the same cancer I had. When I read the fb update from her husband I burst into tears. Jody was diagnosed with cancer a month before I was. When I was diagnosed I felt so alone because this was such a rare and aggressive cancer with little research done on it. I was thankful that I found her online and we connected right away, even though there was a bit of an age gap. She was a constant encouragement to me through my surgeries and healing. We'd share doctor appointment updates and prayer requests. She even sent me a picture of what our cancer looks like when she found out she had recurrence in her small intestine. Her death meant the loss of a friend who understood my type of cancer. It was a little bit of a reality check for me. When I was diagnosed I was informed that this cancer would most likely return in the first yr to 2 yrs after. Knowing she fought hard but that it was just over a yr that she passed away from her diagnosis affected me deeply. I wished I was able to let her know how much she meant to me but her husband assured me that she knew that and appreciated me just the same.
Cancer sucks. Healing from cancer sucks. Dealing from chronic health issues from the cancer surgeries sucks. But I am alive and I need to make the most of the time I have here on earth. I am becoming more passionate about making healthy changes in my home in regards to what we eat, what we put on our bodies in regards to lotions, shampoos, make-up etc, what ingredients are in the meds we take and snacks we eat. I look back over my life and reflect on how much junk I ate over the yrs, how many chemicals I put into my body through things like midol, antibiotics, toxins in my make-up, my perfumes, cleaning supplies, etc and I wish I could go back and wish I would have made changes sooner. But I can't live in regret and all I can do is slowly make those changes as I can now. I am thankful (even though it can feel overwhelming to be making all these changes in diet and in our home at the same time) for this journey to better knowledge and better health that I am on right now.
And update on my health...well I FINALLY got my referral that I have been waiting for since fall to see the GI specialist. That appointment is for May 30th. I have my CT scan on the 28th of March. I get my results on April 3rd and I see my GP on April 6th to discuss the fact that recent blood work showed I am still dealing with hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos (the autoimmune issues with my thyroid). So lots of appointments coming up but again I am thankful for the medical team around me.
Tonight I finished a craft I have been working on through our Morning Out For Moms program in town. I am not a crafty person and I didn't think this would turn out. In fact I left it for a few days unfinished because I was afraid to really attempt it. But I am happy with how it turned out for the most part. I decided on this pattern because it reminded me of "THE KISSING HAND" book that I was able to read to my kids when I was in the hospital. Each kid reacted differently when I was sick and in the hospital. One found it hard to see me like that and preferred to not visit often. The other had such a hard time leaving me at the hospital they would cry and kick and at times scream when we had to say good-bye. I would kiss their hands and let them know that I loved them and was still with them in their hearts. And I hope they will always know that no matter what happens to me. This past week my little girl has had a hard time being away from me. It's almost like a little bit of separation anxiety or like she remembers having to leave me in the hospital and just doesn't want to be without me. In fact this week she has said a lot, "I just want to be with my Momma." She often talks about heaven, death and the other day asked if we could all go to heaven at the same time so that she won't be lonely up there. When I assured her she wouldn't be lonely because she'd get to meet our babies and Jesus she decided she'd first give her siblings a hug, then her Grandpa Mel and then Jesus. She is known to tell strangers or others about how I used to be able to carry her. How I used to be taller and stronger and not so tired all time, etc. My heart aches for my kids and how everything from 2017 has and still affects them. I am so thankful for Jehovah Shammah and that He's with my kids through every step of there healing through this difficult time. And just as I went to review what I wrote tonight I realized that I started my day reading my devotions and imagining me clinging to Jesus' hand and I ended my night finishing off this craft. Now off to bed, placing my hand into Jesus' hand and my head on my pillow.
Thursday, 1 March 2018
God Wants Me
This weekend we watched a testimony and then a kids video and I felt the Lord speaking to me through both.
Phil Vischer, the man who created Veggie Tales, shared his testimony of his dream to create Veggie Tales, etc and to find ways to use entertainment to point others to Jesus. His company, BIG IDEA, grew and was becoming well known. He was suspected to become the next Walt Disney and his company the next Disney productions. But then his company went bankrupt. He was left wondering why God would give him his dream only to have it end this way.
"If God gives you a dream and shows up in it and then suddenly without warning that dream dies it may mean that God wants to know what is more important to you, the dream or HIM? Once He has seen that you may get back your dream. Or you may not. And you may live the rest of your life without it but that's ok because you will have God."
Oh wow, I heard this and then my eyes started to well up with tears and I knew I needed to write that quote down. From the time I was young I always saw myself as one who would live overseas and tell others about Jesus. By the age of grade 3 I was looking into universities because I wanted to be a Veterinarian, and use that as a way to work overseas and tell others about Jesus. That was until I graduated the the Lord told me He was calling me to people, not animals because animals don't have souls. John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish/die but will have eternal life."
On the day we got married we walked out of our wedding to this song, "You said" by Shane and Shane. I didn't want gifts, I just wanted to go serve overseas. Our first yr of marriage was spent in the DR of Congo and then in 2007 we began to feel a tug towards the Middle East and to move overseas long term. However, that journey took many many yrs. In that time our Call to go was clarified and tested and it gave us even more passion to GO. Finally after yrs of tears, praying, asking the Lord to continue to guide, lead and confirm this direction we believed He called us on, we were able to step foot in T in the fall of 2012. Oh how that felt amazing and quickly it felt like home. We thought we'd see our kids grow up there, grow old together there, and be part of whatever the Lord had in-store for us there. But then suddenly that all changed on Feb 28, 2017 when we discovered how invasive my cancer was and when my hubby heard the Lord peacefully whisper that he was released to bring his family back to Canada.
So our adjustment back in the last 8 months has not been easy. Seeing a dream die and being in a place of healing is hard. But through Phil Vischer's testimony I felt the Lord whispering to me. Phil reminded me of the importance that my identity is in Jesus. I am a child of God. My identity is not in what I do for God but in who I am in Him. He went on to say, "When we don't know what God wants us to do-do NOTHING. Wait on God." So this is the season I am in. I don't know what He wants me to do but I am learning it's not about DOING-it's about BEING. My identity needs to be in God, who I am in HIM, and not in what I do. I also need to not worry about "doing something that will impact others" but instead on just focusing on God. And when we wait on God we need to make sure that His directions don't become more important than Him.
In the kids video (Galaxy Buck) Buck was all about trying to do something BIG for God. He kept say, "God wants me to do something BIG." But in the end he realised God just wanted him. I need to not worry about the outcomes of what He asks me to do but to just be obedient. God is enough, not because He can make my dreams come true. He's enough even though our dreams of being overseas has died. He's enough even though I am still healing and dealing with chronic issues. He's enough even without our dreams. And if I take time to sit with Him and really listen, I'll see Him healing me, speaking to me and smiling knowing that He has more plans for me...perhaps things I can't even ask for or imagine!
I will admit I longed to make an impact, a difference for the Lord in the lives of those around me. Isaiah 61. I longed to be able to be used by Him to help set people free from bondage and sin in their lives. "The impact God has planned for us does not occur when we are pursuing impact. It occurs when we are pursuing God. And so I am convicted. I need to find balance and time and make sure that time with God takes more of a priority in my life.
Phil Vischer, the man who created Veggie Tales, shared his testimony of his dream to create Veggie Tales, etc and to find ways to use entertainment to point others to Jesus. His company, BIG IDEA, grew and was becoming well known. He was suspected to become the next Walt Disney and his company the next Disney productions. But then his company went bankrupt. He was left wondering why God would give him his dream only to have it end this way.
"If God gives you a dream and shows up in it and then suddenly without warning that dream dies it may mean that God wants to know what is more important to you, the dream or HIM? Once He has seen that you may get back your dream. Or you may not. And you may live the rest of your life without it but that's ok because you will have God."
Oh wow, I heard this and then my eyes started to well up with tears and I knew I needed to write that quote down. From the time I was young I always saw myself as one who would live overseas and tell others about Jesus. By the age of grade 3 I was looking into universities because I wanted to be a Veterinarian, and use that as a way to work overseas and tell others about Jesus. That was until I graduated the the Lord told me He was calling me to people, not animals because animals don't have souls. John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish/die but will have eternal life."
So our adjustment back in the last 8 months has not been easy. Seeing a dream die and being in a place of healing is hard. But through Phil Vischer's testimony I felt the Lord whispering to me. Phil reminded me of the importance that my identity is in Jesus. I am a child of God. My identity is not in what I do for God but in who I am in Him. He went on to say, "When we don't know what God wants us to do-do NOTHING. Wait on God." So this is the season I am in. I don't know what He wants me to do but I am learning it's not about DOING-it's about BEING. My identity needs to be in God, who I am in HIM, and not in what I do. I also need to not worry about "doing something that will impact others" but instead on just focusing on God. And when we wait on God we need to make sure that His directions don't become more important than Him.
In the kids video (Galaxy Buck) Buck was all about trying to do something BIG for God. He kept say, "God wants me to do something BIG." But in the end he realised God just wanted him. I need to not worry about the outcomes of what He asks me to do but to just be obedient. God is enough, not because He can make my dreams come true. He's enough even though our dreams of being overseas has died. He's enough even though I am still healing and dealing with chronic issues. He's enough even without our dreams. And if I take time to sit with Him and really listen, I'll see Him healing me, speaking to me and smiling knowing that He has more plans for me...perhaps things I can't even ask for or imagine!
I will admit I longed to make an impact, a difference for the Lord in the lives of those around me. Isaiah 61. I longed to be able to be used by Him to help set people free from bondage and sin in their lives. "The impact God has planned for us does not occur when we are pursuing impact. It occurs when we are pursuing God. And so I am convicted. I need to find balance and time and make sure that time with God takes more of a priority in my life.
Friday, 23 February 2018
An update on Me
Some people have been asking how I am doing. Well this week felt a little discouraging for me. Let me explain. I have a wonderful dietitian that seems to be going to bat for me all the time. She is always giving me samples to try of things that are supposed to help me gain weight. So far most seem to not be helping. She is talking to doctors on my behalf to see where the referral is at to see the GI specialist (as I have been waiting months for that) or to get needed blood work to see where my electrolytes are, or to see how my liver is functioning from all the meds it takes in, or to see if other vitamins and minerals are at the right levels or not. She had me take a few day food journal and punched it into a program. That said that based on the calories I eat I should be gaining weight. Since it doesn't appear I am (though I have not stepped on a scale in a few weeks) then it is most likely I am not absorbing all the nutrients and calories. This is a problem.
Today I found out that the GI never even got a referral for me. Like I said, I've been waiting for MONTHS! So she made sure that my oncologist nurse would send in another request this time marking "URGENT" on it. When I look at myself I don't feel like I'm urgent. And yet I am fully aware that there are many dropping like flies around me and sick at home with influenza, the flu or bad colds. Each of us in my family have sore throats right now but out of all of us I am managing to feel the best of them all PTL! However I am aware that if I were to get so sick where I couldn't eat or where I couldn't drink (I already drink so little because liquids make the chronic runs worse) that I could be super dehydrated or lose too much weight that I'd be in a serious condition. So I know that the fact that I am only 84ish lbs means I HAVE to gain wait and thus this is an urgent issue since all the meds I am on don't seem to be helping or watching what I do and don't eat doesn't even really help depending on the day. And I know that the best diet for me considering I had cancer is to eat protein, high fats and omit sugar and eat WHOLE FOODS. But usually fatty foods and whole foods run through me due to the fibre. So it's hard to not stress about food and wonder how my body will handle what I put into it.
So the suggestion is TPN. Check out this link to find out more of what that is. http://www.merckmanuals.com/en-ca/professional/nutritional-disorders/nutritional-support/total-parenteral-nutrition-tpn
So right now I will be getting some blood work taken on Monday. Once those results come back then I will talk to my pain doctor and my dietitian and wait to see the GI specialist. From there, if I go with TPN I will need to get a port inserted at the hospital and eventually can be at home and hooked up to TPN at night to hopefully help me gain some weight. Perhaps this would give me more energy too. I'm not sure how long this would be for maybe weeks or months?
Thinking about TPN brings back memories of me telling my daughter I was going for a check up and I'd be back only to find out my weight was down and I was back in the hospital for a week and then having the iv inserted in my neck. That was the only vein left that could handle that thick solution at the time while I was crying, knowing it would take a week again or more before I could head home to see my kids again. It's like PTSD in a way when I look back on this last yr. However, tonight my hubby said he had a different take on TPN because he views TPN as something that brings life back into me as last yr he saw me looking like I was almost on my death bed on a day that I was forced back into the hospital and back on TPN last March/April. I so so don't want to go down that route but if after the blood work results and my visit with the GI this is what is recommended I know I need to seriously consider it.
Feb 28th marks a yr from my Major Surgery. That is the surgery that took 8 hrs, many organs and that changed the course of our lives like we never imagined. On my appendix cancer fb site I asked if others struggled with weight gain and runs like I did and if others were on as many meds as I am. Though many deal with some of the same complications and side effects from surgery and HIPEC that I have not all of them are on as many meds as I am without much relief. Looks like I am unique in this in some ways. I get lonely and want to go to Bible Study or see friends but because it's at night I can't guarantee that I will be feeling well enough. This past Thursday I had to miss study again because I was in pain and my digestive system was not doing great to the point that all I could do was rest on the couch. So frustrating. And may be embarrassing to really talk about my issues but it's what I deal with on a daily basis so why hide it. Most days my energy levels are low and I am SO thankful for our amazing babysitter that takes care of my daughter 8 hrs a week so I can rest and get some stuff done.
I have greater respect for those who deal with chronic pain or chronic health issues. And yet even though I struggle I am thankful I am doing way better than I was a yr ago. I know the Lord is with me and He'll carry me.
I continue to wonder what the Lord has for me in this season. On Sunday my hubby preached in church. He did a great job by the way. And he mentioned that he's been able to walk with some people through the Steps to Freedom in Christ. And I realized that this is something I could do. Both of us have walked through the steps and both of us are trained in walking with others. So I told my pastor that if he ever knew of any females that would want to do the steps I'd be willing to walk them through them. That would be life giving for me. To come alongside others, pray for them and see them find freedom and inner healing. Once my daughter is in school in the fall I really do want to look into finishing my life coaching training. But until then I need to rest and try to get stronger. I am thankful that this week I have been able to have some visits with friends which helps me not feel so lonely and also gives me encouragement on this journey that I am on.
I am getting tired of the cold and long for Spring to come. But then the thought of yard work and planting a garden and taking care of it makes me tired just thinking of it. I certainly hope I'll have energy for all of that but at this point I I'm ok with not having to worry about our yard.
With the passing of Billy Graham this week I've reflected on how people knew Billy as someone who LOVED Jesus and who was bold in his faith. He was an evangelist. I've asked myself who is it that I want to be known as. I want to be known as someone who LOVES Jesus and LOVES others. Who loves to walk alongside others in their sorrows and valleys, who loves to help people find freedom and healing. Someone who loves to go to deep places with others and who longs to see her children walking with the Lord with a full assurance of HIS love for them. I want to be someone who is known as one who rejoices with others and who also points others to Jesus. My character continues to be a work in progress and I am so far from who I want to be. But thankfully I know that Lord is not finished with me yet.
Sure I am passionate right now about trying to eliminate toxins and chemicals from my home and our family's lifestyle. I long for my family to eat healthier (how I wish my one kid wasn't so picky but gotta trust they will grow out of it) and to make healthier lifestyle choices so that is something I thing about. But as a whole I want to make sure I spend my time and energy growing my walk with Jesus because I want that to be a legacy I leave behind for my kids.
As a side note: If you could please pray that the bad sore throats my hubby and son have and the cold my daughter has will stay away for me I'd appreciate that. We've been doing out best to keep sickness at bay but with so many ill at school it's hard for it to not get brought home. Thank you for all your prayers especially over this last yr.
Today I found out that the GI never even got a referral for me. Like I said, I've been waiting for MONTHS! So she made sure that my oncologist nurse would send in another request this time marking "URGENT" on it. When I look at myself I don't feel like I'm urgent. And yet I am fully aware that there are many dropping like flies around me and sick at home with influenza, the flu or bad colds. Each of us in my family have sore throats right now but out of all of us I am managing to feel the best of them all PTL! However I am aware that if I were to get so sick where I couldn't eat or where I couldn't drink (I already drink so little because liquids make the chronic runs worse) that I could be super dehydrated or lose too much weight that I'd be in a serious condition. So I know that the fact that I am only 84ish lbs means I HAVE to gain wait and thus this is an urgent issue since all the meds I am on don't seem to be helping or watching what I do and don't eat doesn't even really help depending on the day. And I know that the best diet for me considering I had cancer is to eat protein, high fats and omit sugar and eat WHOLE FOODS. But usually fatty foods and whole foods run through me due to the fibre. So it's hard to not stress about food and wonder how my body will handle what I put into it.
So the suggestion is TPN. Check out this link to find out more of what that is. http://www.merckmanuals.com/en-ca/professional/nutritional-disorders/nutritional-support/total-parenteral-nutrition-tpn
So right now I will be getting some blood work taken on Monday. Once those results come back then I will talk to my pain doctor and my dietitian and wait to see the GI specialist. From there, if I go with TPN I will need to get a port inserted at the hospital and eventually can be at home and hooked up to TPN at night to hopefully help me gain some weight. Perhaps this would give me more energy too. I'm not sure how long this would be for maybe weeks or months?
Thinking about TPN brings back memories of me telling my daughter I was going for a check up and I'd be back only to find out my weight was down and I was back in the hospital for a week and then having the iv inserted in my neck. That was the only vein left that could handle that thick solution at the time while I was crying, knowing it would take a week again or more before I could head home to see my kids again. It's like PTSD in a way when I look back on this last yr. However, tonight my hubby said he had a different take on TPN because he views TPN as something that brings life back into me as last yr he saw me looking like I was almost on my death bed on a day that I was forced back into the hospital and back on TPN last March/April. I so so don't want to go down that route but if after the blood work results and my visit with the GI this is what is recommended I know I need to seriously consider it.
Feb 28th marks a yr from my Major Surgery. That is the surgery that took 8 hrs, many organs and that changed the course of our lives like we never imagined. On my appendix cancer fb site I asked if others struggled with weight gain and runs like I did and if others were on as many meds as I am. Though many deal with some of the same complications and side effects from surgery and HIPEC that I have not all of them are on as many meds as I am without much relief. Looks like I am unique in this in some ways. I get lonely and want to go to Bible Study or see friends but because it's at night I can't guarantee that I will be feeling well enough. This past Thursday I had to miss study again because I was in pain and my digestive system was not doing great to the point that all I could do was rest on the couch. So frustrating. And may be embarrassing to really talk about my issues but it's what I deal with on a daily basis so why hide it. Most days my energy levels are low and I am SO thankful for our amazing babysitter that takes care of my daughter 8 hrs a week so I can rest and get some stuff done.
I have greater respect for those who deal with chronic pain or chronic health issues. And yet even though I struggle I am thankful I am doing way better than I was a yr ago. I know the Lord is with me and He'll carry me.
I continue to wonder what the Lord has for me in this season. On Sunday my hubby preached in church. He did a great job by the way. And he mentioned that he's been able to walk with some people through the Steps to Freedom in Christ. And I realized that this is something I could do. Both of us have walked through the steps and both of us are trained in walking with others. So I told my pastor that if he ever knew of any females that would want to do the steps I'd be willing to walk them through them. That would be life giving for me. To come alongside others, pray for them and see them find freedom and inner healing. Once my daughter is in school in the fall I really do want to look into finishing my life coaching training. But until then I need to rest and try to get stronger. I am thankful that this week I have been able to have some visits with friends which helps me not feel so lonely and also gives me encouragement on this journey that I am on.
I am getting tired of the cold and long for Spring to come. But then the thought of yard work and planting a garden and taking care of it makes me tired just thinking of it. I certainly hope I'll have energy for all of that but at this point I I'm ok with not having to worry about our yard.
With the passing of Billy Graham this week I've reflected on how people knew Billy as someone who LOVED Jesus and who was bold in his faith. He was an evangelist. I've asked myself who is it that I want to be known as. I want to be known as someone who LOVES Jesus and LOVES others. Who loves to walk alongside others in their sorrows and valleys, who loves to help people find freedom and healing. Someone who loves to go to deep places with others and who longs to see her children walking with the Lord with a full assurance of HIS love for them. I want to be someone who is known as one who rejoices with others and who also points others to Jesus. My character continues to be a work in progress and I am so far from who I want to be. But thankfully I know that Lord is not finished with me yet.
Sure I am passionate right now about trying to eliminate toxins and chemicals from my home and our family's lifestyle. I long for my family to eat healthier (how I wish my one kid wasn't so picky but gotta trust they will grow out of it) and to make healthier lifestyle choices so that is something I thing about. But as a whole I want to make sure I spend my time and energy growing my walk with Jesus because I want that to be a legacy I leave behind for my kids.
As a side note: If you could please pray that the bad sore throats my hubby and son have and the cold my daughter has will stay away for me I'd appreciate that. We've been doing out best to keep sickness at bay but with so many ill at school it's hard for it to not get brought home. Thank you for all your prayers especially over this last yr.
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