HOME

I have been busy and yet I really wanna get back into blogging.  I really want to continue to tell stories from my life.  My son has been asking to hear our life stories.  I've been telling him a few of the stories.  Most I will blog about eventually.  Some are too personal and I will just write those down for my kids to read on their own.

My hubby bought tickets months ago and surprised me to a date night to see Chris Tomlin live in concert.  The night was powerful.  He's a gifted worship leader and it seemed more like a worship night than a show/concert.

When he sang the song, "HOME" I began to weep.  I had been wrestling with some personal things in my life.  The tears unleashed and feeling them stream down my face felt healing as I felt the warm wet tears flow from my eyes down my cheeks. It's been awhile since I've cried. This wasn't just a little cry it was a crying out to the Lord as the tears flowed.  This was a song that I listened to when I was in the hospital healing from my cancer surgeries.  When I was 77 lbs and unable to function much all I longed to do was go to my heavenly home.  Yet I knew that my kids and hubby needed me around so I had to fight to live.  Yet lately as I've looked at who I am now, post cancer, there is so much of me that wishes I could be in Heaven instead of daily living with chronic bathroom trips, TPN, and the emotional exhaustion I feel being a mom to my beautiful kids who are dealing with their own issues from all the trauma we have walked through. There have been days I've believed the lie that my family would have been better off if I had went HOME last year.  That is when I need to buckle the belt of truth around my waist and trust that God needed me to be around longer and that He knew my little family still needed me.

I am on an appendix cancer FB group.  I am thankful to hear from other people who share their own struggles with having short bowel syndrome now due to surgeries.  Many people talk about their struggle with bathroom issues and what meds they are taking or diets they are on to try and help.  I recently got a message from a friend on that group asking if I ever had anxiety going out in public worrying that I would have an accident.  She asked if it would ever get better.  She just had surgery 2 months ago. I assured her she was not alone and that I understood the social anxiety all too well.  On my FB group there are people whose spouses have left them after the cancer was discovered.  There are people who are struggling with emotional issues after their diagnosis and treatments.  Today my heart broke when I read that one man had too many complications after his MOAS...mother of all surgeries...and he passed away after 54 days of complications.  I am thankful that I am alive.  I am beyond thankful for my husband who has taken his marriage vows "in sickness and in health" seriously.  I am thankful he has told me he isn't going anywhere.  Yet we have been working through some stuff.  We realize we've been in SURVIVAL mode for the last year and a half.  My hubby wasn't sure if I was ever gonna make it.  But I did and we now need to process and figure out how to THRIVE when our situation, and my health physically and emotionally is so different than it was before we found out I had cancer.

I started seeing a counselor to work through my grief.  To help me process what my kids are dealing with in their own trauma and healing.  To help me figure out how to limit my stress, manage my emotions and find healing.  My heart has been breaking as I see my kids continuing to adjust to life here in Canada.  My mommy heart is deeply saddened when I hear of my son's longing to fit in.  It takes a lot of emotional energy and strength on my part to listen to his heart, help him process and try to help him focus on being the kind kid even if that means not everyone will like him or want him to hang out with them.   My heart hurts for my little girl as it seems she is dealing with some attachment stuff.  Her emotions have started to come out more in anger at times and I have so little energy to help her deal with those big emotions effectively.

And then there is me.  As one friend, who also had a hysterectomy and deals with side effects from that, said to me, "People just don't talk about this stuff!"  I want to talk about this.  Those organs were what helped to balance my emotions.  My emotions have been thrown into chaos.  My capacity is not very big.  My counselor described it well saying, before 9/11 airports had security in place but after 9/11 it hit a 5 on a scale of 1 to 5.  It was crazy.  Now, years later, perhaps that level of security has moved to a 4 or 3 but it has never went back down to where it was.  So it is with me.  On Jan 19th of 2017 our lives were turned upside down.  I went into survival mode.  I went to a level 5.  Now I am gaining weight (thanks to TPN) which means I have a bit more energy physically, but emotionally I am still so drained.  I may now be at a 3.5 or 4 but that means there still is so little capacity that I have to deal with so much big stuff at once and to care for each member in my little family the way I want to or they way they need.  I deal with UTI's from time to time due to the hysterectomy and lack of water intake. 

My kids and my hubby acknowledge that I am not the same person I used to be.  This is hard for me to hear.  I am not as patient and I am more easily stressed/triggered/frustrated/and easily angered.  I so hate this about myself, thus why I started to see a counselor.  I am on a quest to simplify my life.  When I have time I want to start to de-clutter my home but also make sure I take time to rest, fill up my cup with journaling, listening to worship music, resting and connecting with friends that are like-minded.  The other day during the worship at our church I felt the Lord nudging me to make sure I wake up earlier than my kids to start my day in the Word of God so that I can face the rest of my day with a focus on HIM rather than on my to-do list.  I am certainly not perfect.  I am on a journey to wholeness and healing and continue to value your prayers for me and my family as we continue to adjust to life/culture here in Canada and as we figure out our new normal as a family here.

As a side note: Yesterday K asked me to read a Berenstain Bears book but it was in Turkish.  So I butchered my way through it.  She just said, "I don't understand what it means anymore.  That's because we now live in a different land!"  The kids comment how they are losing their Turkish or how they want so badly to get on a plane and go visit or move back.

My grandpa was sick a little bit ago.  He had a small heart attack and so much fluid on his lungs I didn't think he'd make it.  But that man is my hero.  He amazes me and has more than 9 lives by now.  He keeps making it through whatever health challenges come his way.  His stubbornness and ability to keep surviving gives me strength and motivation to keep on keeping on.  After all, I have some of his genes in me.  So even though I long to go HOME I will continue to figure out how to make my home here on earth a place of safety and refuge for my kids.  I will continue to find ways to find healing for me and the rest of us and I will seek the Lord about His plans for me here on earth in the mean time.

And If you think of me on Friday the 12th I'd appreciate your prayers as I go for my semi-annual CTscan.