He is There

This morning I sat down at breakfast to read from my devotional book, "Jesus Always" by Sarah Young.  This was today's reading.  So fitting since I went to bed with a heaviness in my heart, and the feeling of loneliness that I can't really explain.  I have some dear friends here in town, some new friends that I am making who are very welcoming and nice, and some wonderful friends living in other provinces or countries.  One of my biggest love languages is quality time.  However I don't always have the energy these days to invest in the quality time needed.  I miss the times where I would gather with my friends in T and we'd sit down around a big map of the country and spend an evening in prayer together.  I miss the prayer times, chats, laughs, and deep sharing together and the understanding of life overseas.  Some friendships have changed or been lost and that has been hard for me to accept.  I know I need to release those and see that there are many others around me that love me just as I am and that I don't need to be "friends" with everyone.  Yet that loneliness is there.  I can't really put it into words or fully describe why I even feel this way.  And tonight a deep sadness washed over me as I reflected and missed the loss of the life we lived there and the community we had overseas. But I am thankful that the Lord knew my heart this morning and reminded me that He sees me in my loneliness and even reminded me of one of my favorite verses from Isaiah 41.

My son and I have been slowly working through a devotional book on prayer.  We talked about some of the names of God this week and the one that stood out to both of us was "Jehovah Shammah" which means, "He is there." So I reflected on this a bit today as I processed with my son some hurtful words that were spoken to him during a sporting event, from some kids he didn't really know, and as I reflected on the loneliness I have been feeling lately.  As I reminded my son of the TRUTH of who he is in Christ rather than those crude words that were spoken to him, we both found comfort in the reality that "The almighty God of the universe is with us."  He was there through it all and is Here always with us.  So no matter where you are at know that He knows everything, He's right there.  He won't leave you.

This past weekend I found out that my friend Jody passed away from Goblet Cell Appendix cancer...the same cancer I had.  When I read the fb update from her husband I burst into tears.  Jody was diagnosed with cancer a month before I was.  When I was diagnosed I felt so alone because this was such a rare and aggressive cancer with little research done on it.  I was thankful that I found her online and we connected right away, even though there was a bit of an age gap.  She was a constant encouragement to me through my surgeries and healing.  We'd share doctor appointment updates and prayer requests.  She even sent me a picture of what our cancer looks like when she found out she had recurrence in her small intestine.  Her death meant the loss of a friend who understood my type of cancer.  It was a little bit of a reality check for me.  When I was diagnosed I was informed that this cancer would most likely return in the first yr to 2 yrs after.  Knowing she fought hard but that it was just over a yr that she passed away from her diagnosis affected me deeply.  I wished I was able to let her know how much she meant to me but her husband assured me that she knew that and appreciated me just the same.

Cancer sucks.  Healing from cancer sucks.  Dealing from chronic health issues from the cancer surgeries sucks.  But I am alive and I need to make the most of the time I have here on earth. I am becoming more passionate about making healthy changes in my home in regards to what we eat, what we put on our bodies in regards to lotions, shampoos, make-up etc, what ingredients are in the meds we take and snacks we eat.  I look back over my life and reflect on how much junk I ate over the yrs, how many chemicals I put into my body through things like midol, antibiotics, toxins in my make-up, my perfumes, cleaning supplies, etc and I wish I could go back and wish I would have made changes sooner.  But I can't live in regret and all I can do is slowly make those changes as I can now.  I am thankful (even though it can feel overwhelming to be making all these changes in diet and in our home at the same time) for this journey to better knowledge and better health that I am on right now.

And update on my health...well I FINALLY got my referral that I have been waiting for since fall to see the GI specialist.  That appointment is for May 30th.  I have my CT scan on the 28th of March.  I get my results on April 3rd and I see my GP on April 6th to discuss the fact that recent blood work showed I am still dealing with hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos (the autoimmune issues with my thyroid).  So lots of appointments coming up but again I am thankful for the medical team around me.

Tonight I finished a craft I have been working on through our Morning Out For Moms program in town.  I am not a crafty person and I didn't think this would turn out.  In fact I left it for a few days unfinished because I was afraid to really attempt it.  But I am happy with how it turned out for the most part.  I decided on this pattern because it reminded me of "THE KISSING HAND" book that I was able to read to my kids when I was in the hospital.  Each kid reacted differently when I was sick and in the hospital.  One found it hard to see me like that and preferred to not visit often.  The other had such a hard time leaving me at the hospital they would cry and kick and at times scream when we had to say good-bye.  I would kiss their hands and let them know that I loved them and was still with them in their hearts.  And I hope they will always know that no matter what happens to me.  This past week my little girl has had a hard time being away from me.  It's almost like a little bit of separation anxiety or like she remembers having to leave me in the hospital and just doesn't want to be without me.  In fact this week she has said a lot, "I just want to be with my Momma."  She often talks about heaven, death and the other day asked if we could all go to heaven at the same time so that she won't be lonely up there.  When I assured her she wouldn't be lonely because she'd get to meet our babies and Jesus she decided she'd first give her siblings a hug, then her Grandpa Mel and then Jesus.  She is known to tell strangers or others about how I used to be able to carry her.  How I used to be taller and stronger and not so tired all time, etc.  My heart aches for my kids and how everything from 2017 has and still affects them.  I am so thankful for Jehovah Shammah and that He's with my kids through every step of there healing through this difficult time. And just as I went to review what I wrote tonight I realized that I started my day reading my devotions and imagining me clinging to Jesus' hand and I ended my night finishing off this craft.  Now off to bed, placing my hand into Jesus' hand and my head on my pillow. 

God Wants Me

This weekend we watched a testimony and then a kids video and I felt the Lord speaking to me through both.

Phil Vischer, the man who created Veggie Tales, shared his testimony of his dream to create Veggie Tales, etc and to find ways to use entertainment to point others to Jesus.  His company, BIG IDEA, grew and was becoming well known.  He was suspected to become the next Walt Disney and his company the next Disney productions.  But then his company went bankrupt.  He was left wondering why God would give him his dream only to have it end this way.

"If God gives you a dream and shows up in it and then suddenly without warning that dream dies it may mean that God wants to know what is more important to you, the dream or HIM?  Once He has seen that you may get back your dream.  Or you may not.  And you may live the rest of your life without it but that's ok because you will have God."

Oh wow, I heard this and then my eyes started to well up with tears and I knew I needed to write that quote down.  From the time I was young I always saw myself as one who would live overseas and tell others about Jesus.  By the age of grade 3 I was looking into universities because I wanted to be a Veterinarian, and use that as a way to work overseas and tell others about Jesus.  That was until I graduated the the Lord told me He was calling me to people, not animals because animals don't have souls.  John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish/die but will have eternal life."

On the day we got married we walked out of our wedding to this song, "You said" by Shane and Shane.  I didn't want gifts, I just wanted to go serve overseas.  Our first yr of marriage was spent in the DR of Congo and then in 2007 we began to feel a tug towards the Middle East and to move overseas long term.  However, that journey took many many yrs.  In that time our Call to go was clarified and tested and it gave us even more passion to GO.  Finally after yrs of tears, praying, asking the Lord to continue to guide, lead and confirm this direction we believed He called us on, we were able to step foot in T in the fall of 2012.  Oh how that felt amazing and quickly it felt like home.  We thought we'd see our kids grow up there, grow old together there, and be part of whatever the Lord had in-store for us there.  But then suddenly that all changed on Feb 28, 2017 when we discovered how invasive my cancer was and when my hubby heard the Lord peacefully whisper that he was released to bring his family back to Canada.

So our adjustment back in the last 8 months has not been easy.  Seeing a dream die and being in a place of healing is hard.  But through Phil Vischer's testimony I felt the Lord whispering to me.  Phil reminded me of the importance that my identity is in Jesus.  I am a child of God.  My identity is not in what I do for God but in who I am in Him.  He went on to say, "When we don't know what God wants us to do-do NOTHING.  Wait on God."  So this is the season I am in.  I don't know what He wants me to do but I am learning it's not about DOING-it's about BEING.  My identity needs to be in God, who I am in HIM, and not in what I do.  I also need to not worry about "doing something that will impact others" but instead on just focusing on God.  And when we wait on God we need to make sure that His directions don't become more important than Him.

In the kids video (Galaxy Buck) Buck was all about trying to do something BIG for God.  He kept say, "God wants me to do something BIG."  But in the end he realised God just wanted him.  I need to not worry about the outcomes of what He asks me to do but to just be obedient.  God is enough, not because He can make my dreams come true.  He's enough even though our dreams of being overseas has died.  He's enough even though I am still healing and dealing with chronic issues.  He's enough even without our dreams.  And if I take time to sit with Him and really listen, I'll see Him healing me, speaking to me and smiling knowing that He has more plans for me...perhaps things I can't even ask for or imagine!

I will admit I longed to make an impact, a difference for the Lord in the lives of those around me.  Isaiah 61.  I longed to be able to be used by Him to help set people free from bondage and sin in their lives.  "The impact God has planned for us does not occur when we are pursuing impact.  It occurs when we are pursuing God.  And so I am convicted.  I need to find balance and time and make sure that time with God takes more of a priority in my life.