40 Reflection

 So this is 40!  I had a few minutes to myself this morning to reflect while I ate the pancakes my husband made for me. For months I was excited to turn 40 at the end of this year.  However this past week it didn't seem so exciting when I realized the cold snap of weather and this crazy Pandemic's restrictions would mean we'd be stuck inside, unable to celebrate with family and friends.  Knowing the significance of reaching this milestone my parents are finding it hard not being here to celebrate together with me.  Some how the day snuck up on me and I wasn't able to journal and reflect like I had planned that I would.  So I took 20 minutes, before the kids woke up, to journal (and now I have some more time as I write this blog tonight).

Just as I was about to put the pen to my paper, a verse popped into my mind. Romans 15:13.  It's the verse I held onto for years when I prayed for another child.  "May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit."  HOPE-this is the word I used for my daughter's middle name.  In 5 years of secondary infertility God kept giving me glimmers of hope, amidst the losses and despair.  And now, today, this verse stood out to me in a new way.  As I reflected on turning 40 this is what I thinking about;

"40!  I never thought I'd see this day.  At 18 or 19 I remember telling some close friends that I thought I'd be dead by the age of 40, either that or that Jesus would return by then.  Okay I can't for-tell the future but back then I struggled with some depression and suicidal thoughts earlier in Jr. and Sr. high school.  It was super tough being one of the only Christians in my school.  It was hard having an extended family member tell me that I was brainwashed for believing in Jesus.  I know that I longed for heaven even at that young of age.  Some how the promise of heaven felt easier than living with the struggles on the earth.  When I had cancer all the more this became real to me.  The reality of my life hanging by a thread still feels very vivid to me.  But so does the nearness of my Heavenly Father.  The presence of Jesus in that dark valley is unexplainable at times.  When I look back on the past 40 years I continue to see God's hand on my life from sparing me in the womb, sparing my life from killer bees, and cancer, etc.  My mom wrote me a note, reflecting on the beginning of my life, the stays in the critical care unit in the hospital, the prayers for "LIFE" that she prayed for me, her unborn child at the time, and for the miracle that I was.  Doctors told her I wouldn't live in the womb, when I did they told my parents I wouldn't make it till age 5 due to all my health complications.  "God has intervened many times in my life when it had seemed all HOPE was fading" as my mom put it.  I know that He is not finished with me and so I choose to humbly ask Him to continue to draw me close to Himself, to use me in the lives of those around me and to shape me into more of His likeness.

Leading up to my 40th I felt compelled to write 40 people thanking them for ways they impacted my life through their mentoring, prayers, ministry, example, discipleship, friendship, etc.  I spent a lot of time reflecting on the past as I wrote those letters, and contemplated each of those relationships. As I reflected on those letters this morning I felt like some how on the other side of today, the 23rd, there is a gift.  A gift of HOPE.  A gift to look to the future.  Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord.  Plans  to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE."  This verse feels so new to me suddenly.  Lord I don't want to be afraid to hope for the future.  I humbly come and lay my fears at your feet.  Thank you for the gift of a future with you here on earth and eventually together with you eternally.  For the past few years it felt like reaching 40 would be a huge milestone.  I honestly didn't think too much beyond that.  But God, But God isn't done with me yet and now tomorrow I get to look ahead with hope and expectation of the future.  I can dream again.  I can walk expectantly with Hope.  The canvas is blank and I have no clue what the future holds for me and my little family but I know who holds me and my future!  It feels like strange ground, perhaps holy ground, to be able to look ahead with HOPE and be able to dream again.  I do know that one dream I have is to grow my SPIRITUAL DIRECTION work.  It's been a privilege to walk alongside the directees I have had this past year and I am praying for many more directees to be able to companion alongside of.  What a humbling gift it is to journey alongside of others in their spiritual lives.  

I am so thankful for the friends and family who took time to send me letters and gifts.  I think my main love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, with acts of service close behind.  Honestly reading each of those heartfelt letters filled up my love tank to overflowing.  I felt SEEN, cared for and LOVED.  To be honest, I deal with an inner critic in my mind often telling me how I am failing at parenting my kids or failing at so many other things.  I worry I am too much for some friends, with my intensity for depth in relationships, and my desire to be so Jesus focused in things I say and do.  But these letters helped me see ways that God has used me, ministered to others through me and how He's used me to point others to HIM.  I was so encouraged.  It made me think about funerals.  At funerals we have a time of sharing about what the person meant to us.  We share stories and memories.  But friends today made me realize all the more that why wait till a funeral?  If there is someone in your life that you appreciate.  Someone who has touched you, ministered to you, encouraged you, go out of your way to let them know how much that meant to you.  Don't wait till someone's funeral to then share those special memories when they are not even there to hear it. I know that I will continue to let people know the impact they have had in my own life when those opportunities arise. 

Today I did have some friends meet me over zoom to chat, sing me happy b-day and let me know they love me.  When we moved back 3.5 yrs ago a number of the friendships I had here changed and it was quite lonely at first.  I am thankful for this group of friends that welcomed me in and have loved me just as I am, "quirks and all" as one friend put it.  Some friends popped by with cards or goodies as well. God is faithful and has provided some sweet friends.  Another sweet friend made me a fun birthday cake.  With 2020 being the year Costco kept funning out of toilet paper due to a pandemic, as well as the fact that I did have some anxiety over a TP shortage due to my short bowel syndrome issues it seemed fitting to have her make this cake.  And this evening I enjoyed some MINUTE TO WIN IT games with my little family and as well as putting a puzzle together.  

Thank you Lord for these past 40 years!  May I bring you honor and glory as I press on and look ahead with HOPE towards the future.

Covid, Homeschool, Health and Spiritual Direction

So much has happened in the last few months.  In fact it feels like so much has happened in 2020, as there is always something in the news forcing us to really look at ourselves, our way of life and the world around us.  It has brought some good discussions with the kids, left my heart feeling burdened and caused some sleepless nights for me as my heart and head have been so full and overwhelmed with various situations.  But it has also brought me to the reminder that my God is bigger and able to carry all of this.  That when I feel this way He is my strong tower that I can turn to and trust my cares into His very capable hands.  He's been calling me to not fret and not worry but to TRUST Him.  To really TRUST Him.

Covid 19 came and forced me into being a homeschooling mom, while finishing up my first year of classes.  I did some homeschooling when we lived overseas and to be honest I much preferred the material I used with my son back when he was in grade 1 rather than the online work I was supposed to help my daughter (who was now in grade 1) with this time around.  If a 2nd wave comes and we need to homeschool again in the fall I may have to look into the SONLIGHT material again and use that material instead.

I did not enjoy homeschooling.  My daughter had a hard time seeing me as mom and teacher and struggled to decipher the difference.  She missed socializing with her peers and having the regular school routine.  My son on the other hand enjoyed it.  He was diligent to wake up early and get everything done before 9:30 am for the day.  He enjoyed not having to connect with some of the kids who aren't always kind to him at school and enjoyed going for bike rides or hanging out and strengthening the friendships he does have (while social distancing).  This past school year I was getting used to having both kids in full time school and was able to had time to rest, work on school, catch up on my house chores and to do lists. I was pretty consistent with making sure I was laying on the couch a half hour before the kids arrived home so I could rest, pray and really just get my mind and heart ready to prepare for their arrival off of the bus.  Covid meant that I had so little alone time for me.  At best I function at 80% most days but these past few months there were days I was only functioning at 50% and that didn't help with the stress in our home.  School ended on the 12th of June and already the environment around here is way better.

Even though it wasn't perfect I look back and am thankful for the family times we had around the table.  I am thankful for all the family games, bike rides, movies watched and memories made together.  I really enjoyed not having to be busy driving from one place to another.  I really don't want life to get crazy busy again.  However, last night was the first time we gathered around a fire with a friends and it was so wonderful to feel like life was normal again.  We met a family we hadn't met before.  As we gathered around the fire they started asking questions to get to know us.  We ended up sharing stories about our time in West Asia, sharing how people loved on us over there, how God clearly called us there and paved the way for our every move to get there, paved the way to get the best care for my cancer as well as how he continues to lead us even today.  We shared about my heart and passion for Spiritual Direction and how the Lord clearly confirmed that as my calling.  As we shared I was overwhelmed by the goodness of the Lord and how faithful He has been.  I am so thankful for all the ways we have experienced God's presence, voice, and calling and love for us over the years.

Last week marked 3 years since we landed back in Canada as well as marking 2 years since I have been on TPN (still doing 3 nights a week and in 3 years I have gone from 77 lbs to 94 lbs).  When I look at where I am now it can be easy to feel discouraged and like my body is no where near where doctors told me it would be at this point in time.  However, when I look back at how bad things were 3 years ago, or even 2 years ago, I do see improvements.  I do see increased energy and my body is figuring out a new normal with the TPN, all my meds I take daily to aid in the short bowel syndrome, as well as the new supplements I am taking to help with my body absorbing nutrients and minerals and they have also really helped my Thyroid levels (and other blood work levels) to finally get into the normal range for the first time in 3 years. 3 years ago we didn't think I'd still be alive today.  So we rejoice that at this point I am still cancer free or NED (no evidence of disease) and I walk into my CT scan on July 2nd with hope that it will be a clear scan.

When I reflect on my faith I see how the deep/dark/scary valley of the shadow of death caused me to fix my eyes on Jesus who is the author and perfecter of my faith.  I am not someone who can easily debate faith, religions, theology, or other hot topics.  I am not up on apologetics.  But what I can tell you is that all that I have had to walk through has only deepened my faith and my resolve to follow Jesus.  All I have been dealt in life has only increased my compassion and love for others and my desire to walk alongside others in their own grief and spiritual journeys.  All I have experienced has only opened my eyes to all the ways God has lavished His love on me and NEVER left my side through it all.  They ways I have experienced God in my life has given me an increased passion to pray that others around me would experience Him for themselves rather than just read about Him in the Bible.  It's one thing to know about God and another thing to truly KNOW Him and experience His presence and His love for you.

In May of this year I finished my first year of the School of SPIRITUAL DIRECTION.  If you look back at one of my posts from last summer you will hear how God spoke to me and confirmed this direction after I had a weekend watching my monarch caterpillars emerge from their chrysalises as amazing butterflies.  I was overjoyed this past week to notice 3 little caterpillars starting to munch on my milkweed this year.  It's been an amazing year and I have grown so much in my gifting/calling and ability to contemplate the presence of Jesus as well as learning how to better walk alongside others on their journeys.  If you want to know more about Spiritual Direction or know someone who might be interested in some sessions with me please check out my website: www.midwifetothesoul.wordpress.com

This summer we had hoped we would be able to go on a road trip to see the Grand Canyon as well as make our way down to California to see dear friends who used to live in our neighborhood with us when we lived overseas.  However, thanks to Covid and closed borders we won't be doing any travel of that kind.  Instead we decided to rediscover our own province and had enjoyed a couple of day trips so far this month.  We plan to hopefully head up north later this summer to see my family and enjoy some of the beauty of the north with the waterfalls, fishing and my dad's cabin.  We take things day by day and hold our plans lightly.  The kids have been so disappointed with so many fun activities and special dates being canceled that we know that we have to hold plans loosely these days.  We also have bought a new house and move in come October.  This house has truly been a gift and a blessing these past 3 years.  Yet we are excited about our move and have already started to declutter and think about packing up.  We look forward to a yard that backs out on to the river.  Through Covid I realized once again how much nature is calming for my soul and a great way that I connect with Jesus.  I look forward to nights watching sunsets, being amazed at the star-filled skies and opportunities to skate on the river when it freezes in the winter.

Almost 3 yrs and YACC (scroll to bottom to learn more)

Yesterday morning I woke up to a message from a dear friend asking if I'd be willing to get in contact with her friend who just discovered he has appendix cancer.  I told her I would do my best to get in contact and answer any questions he and his wife had if I was able to.

Later in the day I noticed my pink boxing gloves in my china cabinet.  Remember those?  The boxing gloves my husband gave me to encourage me to fight this horrible disease.  The encouraging words and verses that are written on them from friends and family who walked alongside us.  I remember when I was wasting away and had little fight left in me.  My husband put the gloves on my hand and took a picture.  He sent it in a mass email to our support network asking them to pray for me because I didn't have much strength left to fight.  I felt like I was in despair and I needed the army of prayer warriors to pound the doors of heaven on my behalf.

As I looked at these gloves I took note that on the 19th of January it will have been 3 years since my surgery to remove my appendix because they thought I had appendicitis.  And on the 25th is will have been 3 yrs since I heard the CANCER word for the first time.  I realized that in that moment, while looking at my gloves, that in some ways it feels like forever since that all happened or that in some ways it didn't really happen at all.  It was such a long, horrifically painful and scary journey.  Then I am reminded of the limitations of my body that I still deal with daily.  I am reminded of the port still in me that it used for the TPN I still get 3 nights a week.  I am reminded of how horrible it all was but also how far I have come and how far I still have to go. 

I was able to talk with this couple that I mentioned about above.  With a new diagnosis the fear of the unknown is real.  I totally understand.  Needing to get second opinions and discover if he is a candidate for the HIPEC surgery/chemo that I had had.  They wanted to hear my story and get some encouragement.  I shared about the gloves.  I shared how I filled my head and heart with verses, worship songs, and Christian podcasts in the months I was in the hospital.  I shared how I clung to Jesus and how even though I fought a rare and aggressive cancer (which he is not fighting) that our God is RARE and AGGRESSIVE too.  I was able to pray for them.  I don't believe God purposely puts us through such heartache but I do believe that he REDEEMS these difficulties and that there are many opportunities for us to walk alongside others who face similar difficulties as we had.  If you are reading this please pray for Aaron as he has a long road ahead of him.

Tonight I gathered with some women from our LOCAL life group through YACC (Young Adults Cancer Canada).  This group is for people ages 18 to 39.  It was neat to be in a room with a number of people who have either fought or are fighting the battle with various forms of cancer.  We can go from sharing about our cancer journeys to laughing and playing games and talking about normal life.  I am thankful for this new group of people I am slowly getting to know.

In May, here in our city, we are having the YACC SURVIVOR'S Conference.  https://youngadultcancer.ca/program/survivor-conference/ To learn more about the survivor conference you can click on the link to read more about it.  It will be a few day conference where we will have sessions and activities.  I believe this will be a great place for my husband to connect with others who are supporters to loved ones facing cancer.  I have had a lot of support over the last 3 yrs and have found many others who I can relate with and talk with about cancer and how it has affected my life but he hasn't necessarily to that same extent.  So I am thankful he's able to join me at this conference. I am thankful to my family who will care for my kids.  I look forward to the sessions and hopefully I will find some ways to help manage the stress and anxiety that I have experienced post cancer diagnosis.  Hopefully sharing my story in a room with many others as well as listening to their stories will bring healing and encouragement as well. 

There will be people from across Canada coming to this conference and I hear the wait list to get in is LONG.  We are doing a number of fundraisers as Team Manitoba to help raise funds for those of us living in MB to be able to help reduce the cost to attend the conference.  If you are looking for something to donate to this is a great cause! https://youngadultcancer.akaraisin.com/pledge/Team/Home.aspx?seid=21166&mid=10&tid=276627 Just click on this link and it will take you to our TEAM Manitoba home page where you can donate.