On my Bible app this morning this was the verse of the day, "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:12
Upon reading this verse this morning I thought of my friend Dale. Dale entered the presence of our Lord and Savior on Sunday. He not only fought cancer for a few years but he fought the good fight of His faith. I am so saddened that I was unable to attend his funeral but I am told his desire was for Jesus' love to be preached to all who were there and that is what happened.
Dale was one of my best friends in high school. We dated for a month but even though I broke up with him because I wasn't ready to date, he remained a faithful and constant friend. He'd be the one to encourage me to keep living when there were times in my teenage yrs I just wanted to be done here on earth. He was the first one to call me on my birthday and was always there to listen to me. We were both married a week apart. I think we both realized once we were married (or dating other people and on the road to marriage) that we couldn't be each other's person any more. We kept in touch a bit and updated each other on our first kids as both his daughter and my son were born in the same year. But over the last 5 years we lost touch.
However, this past spring I felt nudged to try to get a hold of him and tell him about my cancer. I contacted his wife on FB and shortly after I got a message from Dale asking if we could Skype. He wanted to talk because we had something in common...CANCER. Dale had been walking the cancer journey since 2015 so he was a huge encouragement to me. He and his wife started praying regularly for me and my family. They got their church and prayer circles to pray for me. I would get reply emails to my updates and check in emails from him asking to see how I was doing.
12 yrs ago my pastor, that I interned under in Saskatoon, died of a rare cancer. He was 37 I believe and left behind a 12 and 10 yr old and his wonderful wife. Then when I was diagnosed at age 36 it brought back memories of my pastor friend Dwayne and his own fight against cancer. Dale was just 35 and he leaves behind his wife and two daughters...ages 10 and 8. Being in your 30's and dealing with cancer just seems so unfair and just so wrong. I am so thankful that these two men of Faith had a personal and real relationship with Jesus. My hope in Jesus is the one thing that enables me to have hope and gives me the ability to daily walk though this difficult journey. I really don't know how people walk through something like cancer without having a HOPE in Jesus and without the promise of eternal life in heaven and without the love and help from a supportive community. I am so grateful for all who have gone before me and for all who walk alongside of me.
Friday, 27 October 2017
Wednesday, 18 October 2017
Update and my New Birth story
Today has been a low energy kind of day. I had a list (I keep a little note book on the counter where I can write notes or grocery lists so that I don't forget.) of things I could and wanted to do, but I realized in the end that all felt overwhelming and what I actually needed was a nap. A sweet friend offered to take my daughter for the morning so I was able to have a nap this morning. I am realizing more and more that what I am feeling might be like a type of burn-out...not from ministry per say but from life and all that has happened in the last 9 and a half months. So today was a gift when a wonderful lady from our church showed up with food for supper, along with a few trays of food to freeze. My church has been sweet with setting me up to get a couple of meals a week. This has been so helpful, especially on days like today. My last round of antibiotics finished today and I still feel the infection is there. Now I wonder if I am struggling to even absorb the antibiotics. Nothing new in the medical department, still waiting on getting into specialists.
I find my brain is still slow at processing. The other day I was at our local Co-op and I forgot my Co-op number. The girl who looked up my number actually gave me the wrong number so I used that for a few times, feeling like it wasn't the right number but I couldn't remember the original one. Thankfully the problem is getting dealt with. Today was Awana night. I read the email that comes out for parents and thought tonight was the night the kids were supposed to dress up as their favorite Bible Hero. So I helped them put together costumes, only to realize pretty last minute that it is for next week, not this week. Numbers and dates seem to be hard to remember for me these days.
My son has started to open up more and ask more questions about my cancer and about if I was afraid I was gonna die, and about some of the worries he has had. Both kids continue to figure out how to fit into the culture here. My son made the observation about how the country we just moved from is a HOT climate culture. People are in your space, they touch you all the time, they are very hospitable and friendly and don't like to leave you alone. He's observing how Canadian culture is more like a Cold climate culture. It's not that it's a bad thing, it's just different. Thankfully our little town feels kinds hot climate culturish at times to me. There are many firsts for my son. Taking French class, learning sign language (all of which his class has already been doing for a couple of yrs already) and learning how to curl. He didn't grow up on ice like kids here in Canada do. Every day the kids still ask to move back "home" and want to be with their friends. You know the saying, "The grass is greener on the other side?" My son struggled to adjust to our life and the culture of the country we learned to call "home." But when it was time to move back he suddenly realized how much it felt like home there, how he didn't want to move and how amazing his friends and community were. There is a new family in town who moved to our little community from a European country. She was sharing the other day about her kids struggles in school and their adjusting to a new country/town etc. I so could relate. It's hard to adjust when you don't have the language when you move to a new place. It's also hard to come back and even though you have the language, people change and so does the town. It's a lot to have to relearn all over again. I continue to value all the prayers being sent up on our behalf and I am thankful that my kids are verbally processing all their emotions and feelings that they are sorting through in this season. Please keep praying!
And now I want to continue to share my story....
I became a Christian when I was 4 shortly after we moved into our new house. I remember being tickled on the floor by my aunt who was not a Christian. Suddenly, and seemingly out of now where, to her surprise, I stood up and declared that I wanted to become a Christian. My dad was in the basement painting and so my mom told me to go talk to him. I don't remember the full conversation but I remember that was the day that I confessed my sins and my need for Jesus and I decided I wanted to follow Him for the rest of my life.
Up until I went to Kindergarten I was known as Becky. It wasn't until one day, when I was given a note from my teacher to take to my parents, that I began to read it on the way home and realized she wrote my name as starting with and R instead of a B. So I asked my mom why this was. She went on to explain that my real name was Rebekah. So for the rest of the week at school I refused to answer my teacher whenever she called me Becky. When asked why I did this I simply explained, "My name is Rebekah, it's not Becky!" And ever since then I prefer to NOT be called Becky.
Due to the nature of some things I can't write everything that has happened in my life for just anyone to read. For some of the more defining and personal stories that happened to me, it will have to be shared with my little family as they are old enough to hear it. Let's just say I am who I am because of the years of being able to walk through some tough stuff, all the while learning how to forgive and move forward.
I was a small and determined little girl. Some would say I was strong-willed. I was pretty black and white and bold in my faith. I loved Jesus and I wasn't afraid to tell others about Him. I remember being about 7 and one night my parents were watching a movie with some friends. It was a movie based on the book of Revelation (the last book in the Bible) called, "A Thief In The Night." I woke up because I heard the T.V. on and I walked into the living room to watch a bit. It was the part where the Christians were being beheaded for their faith. However my little mind at the time thought it was that one would get their head cut off if they didn't become a Christian. Talk about a heavy thing to see as a little kid. I had lots of questions after that and that experience. Sure it gave me some nightmares and sleepless nights at first, but it also grabbed my heart with a burden for those people who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I went to school that week and gathered about 5 of my friends together in the middle of the school field and strongly encouraged them to give their lives to Jesus so that they didn't get their heads cut off. Ok my theology was way off at the time and thankfully I have a better understanding of the tribulation that is to come and a great respect and love for the last book of the Bible, Revelation. I have a great respect for all of the Bible! It's God's Word, living and active and TRUTH!
In elementary school, my principle at the time had called my mom to tell her to ask me to stop gathering kids at the flag pole to pray for the school. I didn't want to. I was a little fire ball, evangelist who wanted all my family and friends to be saved. It wasn't easy being told by certain people, closely associated with our family, that I was brain washed by my parents when I would ask if I could pray at their supper table. Or when they would call me and tell me that I couldn't give their kids Bibles or talk about God with them. It was hurtful. And only just a little taste of persecution that my brothers and sisters in Christ in the persecuted churches face all over the world. Yet that didn't stop me. My faith was important to me. I got a little name card when I was a kid that had a verse on it under my name. 1 Corinthians 15:58, "So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for your know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." No matter how tough life got and how dark seasons felt I never fully could abandon my Lord and my faith. By His grace He held me together and helped me be immovable. Those teenage years were tough, well growing up in my town as a whole was tough and I often felt alone in my faith, but thankfully He carried me through. More on that at a later time.
I find my brain is still slow at processing. The other day I was at our local Co-op and I forgot my Co-op number. The girl who looked up my number actually gave me the wrong number so I used that for a few times, feeling like it wasn't the right number but I couldn't remember the original one. Thankfully the problem is getting dealt with. Today was Awana night. I read the email that comes out for parents and thought tonight was the night the kids were supposed to dress up as their favorite Bible Hero. So I helped them put together costumes, only to realize pretty last minute that it is for next week, not this week. Numbers and dates seem to be hard to remember for me these days.
My son has started to open up more and ask more questions about my cancer and about if I was afraid I was gonna die, and about some of the worries he has had. Both kids continue to figure out how to fit into the culture here. My son made the observation about how the country we just moved from is a HOT climate culture. People are in your space, they touch you all the time, they are very hospitable and friendly and don't like to leave you alone. He's observing how Canadian culture is more like a Cold climate culture. It's not that it's a bad thing, it's just different. Thankfully our little town feels kinds hot climate culturish at times to me. There are many firsts for my son. Taking French class, learning sign language (all of which his class has already been doing for a couple of yrs already) and learning how to curl. He didn't grow up on ice like kids here in Canada do. Every day the kids still ask to move back "home" and want to be with their friends. You know the saying, "The grass is greener on the other side?" My son struggled to adjust to our life and the culture of the country we learned to call "home." But when it was time to move back he suddenly realized how much it felt like home there, how he didn't want to move and how amazing his friends and community were. There is a new family in town who moved to our little community from a European country. She was sharing the other day about her kids struggles in school and their adjusting to a new country/town etc. I so could relate. It's hard to adjust when you don't have the language when you move to a new place. It's also hard to come back and even though you have the language, people change and so does the town. It's a lot to have to relearn all over again. I continue to value all the prayers being sent up on our behalf and I am thankful that my kids are verbally processing all their emotions and feelings that they are sorting through in this season. Please keep praying!
And now I want to continue to share my story....
I became a Christian when I was 4 shortly after we moved into our new house. I remember being tickled on the floor by my aunt who was not a Christian. Suddenly, and seemingly out of now where, to her surprise, I stood up and declared that I wanted to become a Christian. My dad was in the basement painting and so my mom told me to go talk to him. I don't remember the full conversation but I remember that was the day that I confessed my sins and my need for Jesus and I decided I wanted to follow Him for the rest of my life.
Up until I went to Kindergarten I was known as Becky. It wasn't until one day, when I was given a note from my teacher to take to my parents, that I began to read it on the way home and realized she wrote my name as starting with and R instead of a B. So I asked my mom why this was. She went on to explain that my real name was Rebekah. So for the rest of the week at school I refused to answer my teacher whenever she called me Becky. When asked why I did this I simply explained, "My name is Rebekah, it's not Becky!" And ever since then I prefer to NOT be called Becky.
Due to the nature of some things I can't write everything that has happened in my life for just anyone to read. For some of the more defining and personal stories that happened to me, it will have to be shared with my little family as they are old enough to hear it. Let's just say I am who I am because of the years of being able to walk through some tough stuff, all the while learning how to forgive and move forward.
I was a small and determined little girl. Some would say I was strong-willed. I was pretty black and white and bold in my faith. I loved Jesus and I wasn't afraid to tell others about Him. I remember being about 7 and one night my parents were watching a movie with some friends. It was a movie based on the book of Revelation (the last book in the Bible) called, "A Thief In The Night." I woke up because I heard the T.V. on and I walked into the living room to watch a bit. It was the part where the Christians were being beheaded for their faith. However my little mind at the time thought it was that one would get their head cut off if they didn't become a Christian. Talk about a heavy thing to see as a little kid. I had lots of questions after that and that experience. Sure it gave me some nightmares and sleepless nights at first, but it also grabbed my heart with a burden for those people who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I went to school that week and gathered about 5 of my friends together in the middle of the school field and strongly encouraged them to give their lives to Jesus so that they didn't get their heads cut off. Ok my theology was way off at the time and thankfully I have a better understanding of the tribulation that is to come and a great respect and love for the last book of the Bible, Revelation. I have a great respect for all of the Bible! It's God's Word, living and active and TRUTH!
In elementary school, my principle at the time had called my mom to tell her to ask me to stop gathering kids at the flag pole to pray for the school. I didn't want to. I was a little fire ball, evangelist who wanted all my family and friends to be saved. It wasn't easy being told by certain people, closely associated with our family, that I was brain washed by my parents when I would ask if I could pray at their supper table. Or when they would call me and tell me that I couldn't give their kids Bibles or talk about God with them. It was hurtful. And only just a little taste of persecution that my brothers and sisters in Christ in the persecuted churches face all over the world. Yet that didn't stop me. My faith was important to me. I got a little name card when I was a kid that had a verse on it under my name. 1 Corinthians 15:58, "So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for your know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." No matter how tough life got and how dark seasons felt I never fully could abandon my Lord and my faith. By His grace He held me together and helped me be immovable. Those teenage years were tough, well growing up in my town as a whole was tough and I often felt alone in my faith, but thankfully He carried me through. More on that at a later time.
Thursday, 12 October 2017
Hope
Psalm 39:7 "My only HOPE is in You."
Today I had this song on repeat.
In every season, in every change
You are near
In every sorrow, You are my strength
You are near
A peace in the storm
Your voice I will follow
In weakness I rise
Remembering You hold my world
I’m holding on to hope
I’m holding on to grace
I’m fully letting go
I’m surrendered to Your ways
The anchor for my soul
Father You will never change
I love You, I love You
My great Redeemer
My constant Friend
You are near
My faithful Father, You took me in
You are near
I will remember Your promise forever
My Strength, my Defender
I can count on You
You are my Savior, My Hope and my Shelter
Your love is forever
I can count on You
I am thankful that He's my peace in the storms of life, in the every day struggles. That in my weakness I can rise knowing He holds my world. That He's my anchor for my weary soul and that He will NEVER change. He's my Redeemer and constant friend and the one I can count on.
Today I had this song on repeat.
You are near
In every sorrow, You are my strength
You are near
A peace in the storm
Your voice I will follow
In weakness I rise
Remembering You hold my world
I’m holding on to hope
I’m holding on to grace
I’m fully letting go
I’m surrendered to Your ways
The anchor for my soul
Father You will never change
I love You, I love You
My great Redeemer
My constant Friend
You are near
My faithful Father, You took me in
You are near
I will remember Your promise forever
My Strength, my Defender
I can count on You
You are my Savior, My Hope and my Shelter
Your love is forever
I can count on You
I am thankful that He's my peace in the storms of life, in the every day struggles. That in my weakness I can rise knowing He holds my world. That He's my anchor for my weary soul and that He will NEVER change. He's my Redeemer and constant friend and the one I can count on.
Wednesday, 11 October 2017
Health update
So this past Thursday I had my CT scan and I got my results yesterday. The scan was clear. Well, minus the fact that there was a small kidney stone that was found. But this time my liver looked normal so that was good. My oncologist is so patient and willing to answer my questions as best as he can. He said he'll be concerned about me for the next 3 or 4 yrs and if nothing shows up on scans during that time than he'll start to worry about me less. :0) He said that most of my pain and discomfort must be coming from affects of the surgery. I see my surgeon for a check-up in January and then will have a scan and a follow-up with the oncologist in March, barring that I don't have any symptoms that make me think I need to see him sooner.
I am now waiting for a urologist appointment which won't be till the end of November, to possibly do a scope or something else, to try to figure out the root cause of the chronic bladder infections. Last night was a brutal night. I basically held my hand over my bladder and gut all night as I was in pain and unable to really sleep. This happens often, where pain keeps me up. If people see me out and about they may think I am having a "good" day. What they don't see is the many bathroom trips before and after and during an outing. They don't see the pain or the discomfort I am feeling on a regular basis. They don't often see the effort it takes to get out of the house. But for my kids sake I try my best to have some sort of normalcy for them and me.
I started the pancreatic enzymes today. It's an attempt to help my body better absorb the nutrients from the food I am eating. I have a pain specialist appointment, a gyno appointment, a urologist appointment and a gastro intestinal appointment coming up at some point. These are all appointments meant to try to help me better deal with the various issues I am still battling, an attempt to help me gain better quality of life.
I am realizing more and more the affects of the chemo, the 5 times I was put under for surgeries/procedures this year, and the lack of sleep on my ability to process and function. I get overwhelmed easily with noise. I get stressed more easily and the idea of driving in the city, with all the traffic feels almost claustrophobic in a way. It's hard to explain. I don't like how "stupid" I feel at times and how slow my brain seems to function or remember at other times. I am thankful for the few friends who have been willing to drive me in the city and even come with me to my appointments to take notes and better help me remember the conversations I have with the doctors...what a blessing that has been. What I find stressful is not only looking for rides but also for child care. Thankfully so far the Lord has provided each time there's been an appointment.
So I informed some of my friends about the results of the CT scan. My one friend wrote and said, "That's good, right? What is your intuition?" She knows that these scans don't always tell it as it is. I was just thinking this morning about how I need to choose to walk in thankfulness for a clear scan. That I need to see it as positive and not walk in fear of the unknown or "what-ifs" so that I can be more positive. Then I read my devos and this stood out to me:
"While you are in the throes of adversity, your greatest challenge is to keep on trusting that I am both sovereign and good. Do not expect to understand My ways; for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways and thoughts higher than yours. When you respond to trouble with thanksgiving-convinced that I can bring good out of the most difficult situations-I am pleased. This act of faith encourages you and glorifies Me. I rejoice when My struggling children give thanks to Me in song!"
So today, as tired as I am, I look to Him with thankfulness, gratitude that the scan was clear, that for the first time since March I am 84 lbs. Hopefully things will keep improving!
On a different note on Saturday I was able to meet a fellow appendix cancer friend at the mall. We met on my appendix cancer FB group. She is going for her HIPEC (major surgery plus hot chemo) later this month. I am thankful for the opportunity I have had to get to know her and hopefully be an encouragement or be someone she can ask questions to about this procedure. That is something I didn't have heading into mine back in Feb. I was really clueless about recovery, etc. I am SO thankful for all the prayers that have been sent up on my behalf, especially this year. If you can also prayer for my friend Chantale I am sure she'd appreciate those prayers.
I am now waiting for a urologist appointment which won't be till the end of November, to possibly do a scope or something else, to try to figure out the root cause of the chronic bladder infections. Last night was a brutal night. I basically held my hand over my bladder and gut all night as I was in pain and unable to really sleep. This happens often, where pain keeps me up. If people see me out and about they may think I am having a "good" day. What they don't see is the many bathroom trips before and after and during an outing. They don't see the pain or the discomfort I am feeling on a regular basis. They don't often see the effort it takes to get out of the house. But for my kids sake I try my best to have some sort of normalcy for them and me.
I started the pancreatic enzymes today. It's an attempt to help my body better absorb the nutrients from the food I am eating. I have a pain specialist appointment, a gyno appointment, a urologist appointment and a gastro intestinal appointment coming up at some point. These are all appointments meant to try to help me better deal with the various issues I am still battling, an attempt to help me gain better quality of life.
I am realizing more and more the affects of the chemo, the 5 times I was put under for surgeries/procedures this year, and the lack of sleep on my ability to process and function. I get overwhelmed easily with noise. I get stressed more easily and the idea of driving in the city, with all the traffic feels almost claustrophobic in a way. It's hard to explain. I don't like how "stupid" I feel at times and how slow my brain seems to function or remember at other times. I am thankful for the few friends who have been willing to drive me in the city and even come with me to my appointments to take notes and better help me remember the conversations I have with the doctors...what a blessing that has been. What I find stressful is not only looking for rides but also for child care. Thankfully so far the Lord has provided each time there's been an appointment.
So I informed some of my friends about the results of the CT scan. My one friend wrote and said, "That's good, right? What is your intuition?" She knows that these scans don't always tell it as it is. I was just thinking this morning about how I need to choose to walk in thankfulness for a clear scan. That I need to see it as positive and not walk in fear of the unknown or "what-ifs" so that I can be more positive. Then I read my devos and this stood out to me:
"While you are in the throes of adversity, your greatest challenge is to keep on trusting that I am both sovereign and good. Do not expect to understand My ways; for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways and thoughts higher than yours. When you respond to trouble with thanksgiving-convinced that I can bring good out of the most difficult situations-I am pleased. This act of faith encourages you and glorifies Me. I rejoice when My struggling children give thanks to Me in song!"
So today, as tired as I am, I look to Him with thankfulness, gratitude that the scan was clear, that for the first time since March I am 84 lbs. Hopefully things will keep improving!
On a different note on Saturday I was able to meet a fellow appendix cancer friend at the mall. We met on my appendix cancer FB group. She is going for her HIPEC (major surgery plus hot chemo) later this month. I am thankful for the opportunity I have had to get to know her and hopefully be an encouragement or be someone she can ask questions to about this procedure. That is something I didn't have heading into mine back in Feb. I was really clueless about recovery, etc. I am SO thankful for all the prayers that have been sent up on my behalf, especially this year. If you can also prayer for my friend Chantale I am sure she'd appreciate those prayers.
Wednesday, 4 October 2017
Just an honest post
It’s Wednesday night, that means I get some alone time. It’s so hard to know how to spend my alone
time. I could organize the many rooms
that need cleaning and de-cluttering or I could journal, read, blog, sleep, do my
physio, bake, etc. The other day I had a
babysitter and since I had canceled one appointment
it meant I had a couple of hours to myself.
I spent some time starting to color in my adult coloring book my friend Cheryl
mailed to me when I was in the hospital this past spring. I turned to a page that had the verse that
the Lord gave me at the start of the year and started to
color. It was actually stress releasing
and calming. Yet also a reminder of the way the Father has used this verse to speak to me over this past year. When
there were many of times I couldn’t eat due to surgery preps, or after
surgeries, or where gaining weight has been a struggle and food a battle to
have it stay in me long enough to absorb the nutrients I needed to taste and see His goodness, not the
food. He was sustenance when food was/is
not. And It’s my reminder to continue to
take refuge in Him. I am still waiting
on a call from the GI specialist for an appointment so we can see about any
other suggestions to stop the chronic runs so that I can live a some-what
normal life. I long to not have to be stressed every time I leave my home, making
sure I know where a washroom is in case I need it. I long to be able to eat without worrying how it will affect my digestive system or if I can even eat it in the first place. I need to give those worries and fears over
to the Lord and gain strength from Him each day.
Stress is something I deal with regularly. I am working through a book with a sweet friend
on managing stress. I am learning that I
need to prayerfully say “no” to some things, which is hard.
But in this season I have little strength and energy to do all that I
wish I could do or all I have been invited to do. I’ve been asked to be part of 5 different
bible studies, or help with Awana or other things but I just can’t say yes, or
I feel overwhelmed. Partly because I
never know how I will be feeling that day.
Partly because I have little energy to actually read more books or be
out and about so much. But oh I wish I
could get more involved and connect more in groups like this.
I am thankful for the few faithful friends who I know I can
call on if I need help with watching my kids or for friends who have
volunteered to drive me in for appointments or bring some meals to help take
some of the stress I feel off of my shoulders.
Yet I feel guilty. Guilty because
it’s been 8 months since my last surgery and I feel like I should be able to
manage more things, but to be honest I just have not bounced back like I wish I
could. I don’t sleep at night. The pain or insomnia keeps me up. I am not at my full capacity mentally,
spiritually, emotionally or physically.
And that is hard for me to accept.
But slowly I’m learning that I have to not care about the weeds on my
yard or the clutter in my house. I have
to not be afraid to ask for help…that’s a hard one. Some people are easier to ask for help from
than others. And for some strange reason
I feel guilty asking for help. My
Father-in-law walked this road of cancer and recovery after surgeries before I
did. He was a testimony of not
complaining through it all. I long to
take after Him in that but I will admit it’s hard to know when people ask how I
am doing what to say. Hard to know when to be honest and say I am really
struggling right now, or when to just smile and say, “Today is a good day. There are some good days and bad days and
today is a good day.”
So tomorrow I have a CT scan. I was due for one in December but due to not
feeling quite right they moved it up. I
realize the radiation isn’t best to be subjected to so regularly and I realize
that it might cause a secondary cancer 20 yrs down the road but for now I hope
it can bring some peace of mind. And to
be honest I don’t know of too many people who have lived 20 years with the
cancer I have so if that were to happen that would be a miracle in itself. It’s so hard because I know from the research
I have done this cancer usually won’t show up on scans and blood work but how
else do you try to monitor it without just opening me up every 6 mths to see
what’s really going on inside? The pain
could just be due to a chronic uti infection I’ve been battling off and on this
summer or it could be the cancer being back or just my body still adjusting
after such massive surgeries. I don’t
know, but I do know I wish I could sleep so that I had more energy to
accomplish daily tasks and be the mom and wife my kids and hubby need me to be.
On a different note, October is miscarriage, infant loss and
stillborn awareness month. (I'll save another post to talk specifically about my losses and how the Lord was with me in that dark season). When I learn
of women finding out about this cancer after trying to discover why they are
dealing with infertility, and discovering it all over inside through a laparoscopy,
I am so thankful that I have my two kiddos to take care of. I am saddened and miss the 3 I lost but I am
thankful I still got to be mom and this cancer didn’t rob me of that. My heart is saddened for those who have had
to lose the dream of having a baby due to the brutality of cancer taking over
their reproductive areas. I have a
picture representing my 3 babies up in my room.
Then my dear friend Heather made me a picture. The biggest rock represents Jesus, the two
leaning on the rock are to represent me and Trev and the other two rocks
represent my 2 kiddos. Then there are 3
red beads…those represent the 3 we lost.
My friend has always been good at coming alongside me and remembering my
losses.
The picture of the person looking through the dark woods at
the light reminds me of the dream I had days before the airport attack in the
city we lived in last yr. Through the
dream I felt the Lord inviting me to look to HIM, the light, and not at all the
darkness and evil around me. As I
continue to walk out this road ahead of me I know I need to keep my eyes on
Him. I read in my devotional this
morning about not fearing bad news. So
much evil is taking place in this world but the Lord asks us to Trust HIM and
in Psalm 112:7 He says, “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are
steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” So I
humble myself before the Lord to admit the fears, stress and weaknesses I’ve
been feeling, repent and ask for His strength and help to fully Trust Him, and
to ask for help to have my heart remain steadfast on Him. So tomorrow as I head into my scan I will do
what I encourage many others to do. I
will ask Jesus where He is in the room with me.
I will focus on His presence instead of all the “what if’s” that could
fill my head in those moments. Thanks
for your prayers.
And just a little reminder that Jesus cares about me. I lost a necklace in Ontario this summer when I was there for a debreif retreat. This was a special necklace given to me from my close friend overseas. I was heart broken that I lost it. At first I was told they couldn't find it but just tonight I got an email saying it has been found and will be emailed to me. I had tears in my eyes as I read that. :0)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)