The beginning...

This past weekend was rather sobering for me when I learned that a friend of mine’s cancer had returned and he was now being told his tumor was inoperable.  Within that same week I heard of another person I know who was given a couple of months to live.  My heart was heavy and I began to realize once again that I need to take EACH day as a day to be grateful for and thankful for.  I also had the opportunity to skype with a friend who asked me the hard questions, but the ones that need to be asked, like: “If I were to die how do I want to prepare my family for that senerio and what do I want to do to help them in their grief?”  This is one reason why I started this blog.  I want to leave my “Story” behind for my kids to read.  I want them to attest to the Faithfulness of God.  Just this week my son and I were talking and he asked, “How do you know Jesus is the one true God?”  I began to share a bit about my story.  Parts of it he had not heard before.  I listed off the reasons I believe Jesus the True God.  It’s through my story that I see God’s hand on my life over and over and I can’t deny Him and His work in my life.

So it all begins when I was in my mother’s womb.  My mom was maybe 4 months pregnant with me when a blood clot was found near my heart and there was also one near my mom’s groin.  The doctors were concerned those blood clots would move and kill me.  My mom was sent to The Pas, two hours away from where I grew up, and there the doctors told my parents that they needed to abort me.  If they did abort me then they could save my mom’s life, if they didn’t, then it was possible both my mom and myself would die.  I guess our heart beats were not normal and they were told that if they didn’t go back to normal they would take me right away. 

My dad went straight to the Pastor and asked people to begin praying for my mom and me.    When my mom was in the ICU at The Pas she said she was kept sedated in a dark room but clearly felt God was at her side and He whispered, “BE STILL AND KNOW I AM THE I AM, My name will be lifted high.”  She said she wanted to touch Him. She must have reached out to touch him because then she remembers the nurse coming in quickly and covering her back up telling her she couldn’t get up and needed to stay in her bed (to try to prevent the blood clot from moving into a more dangerous place).  Through prayer, our hearts stabilized enough for my mom to be airlifted to Winnipeg.  There was one lady from our little church who said, when she was praying that she heard angels singing and it was then that the blood clot moved and my heart was stabilized.  There too the doctors in Winnipeg recommended abortion.  They assumed if I lived I would be born with Down Syndrome.  In Winnipeg my mom saw Jesus holding a baby and he said, “I come that you may have life” and he outstretched his arms to her. 

My mom had a lot of complications while carrying me and spent most of the last part of her pregnancy in Winnipeg, on IV heparin due to the blood clots, while my dad was up north caring for my older sister, who was like a yr and a half at the time.  Mom had placenta previa so there was even more concern for her and my life.  The last 6 weeks of her pregnancy, in order to get out of the hospital, she had to stay in Winnipeg with friends so she could be near the hospital while giving herself injections every 8 hrs, all while my dad was taking care of my sister up north.  I was supposed to be born mid Jan but finally the doctors took me 2 days before Christmas.  I was born 7 lbs 2 oz but was home at 6 lbs or less due to health issues.  My stomach opening only opened half way.  This meant my mom had to feed me an ounce every half hour or I’d throw it all up.  I was born with Hirschsprung disease which is disease of the bowels. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hirschsprung%27s_disease  

Due to these health issues at the age of 3 months old I was only 9 lbs 1oz.  I could not gain weight.  I was not growing.  I was in ICU for 10 days, and in the hospital for 3 weeks after I was born.  By a year and a half I was rushed to Winnipeg where the Doctors wondered if I was being abused because I was so malnourished and sick.  My bowels did not work.  I was so backed up and my bowels were blown to the size of an adults.  I would scream in pain A LOT because I was in so much pain and unable to go to the bathroom.   They needed to flush out my bowels but that procedure is normally not done on babies.  They weren’t sure I’d survive if they performed it and they worried my bowels would explode. They irrigated my bowels.  While this was happening my mom was praying and she felt she heard the Lord give her Jeremiah 1:5 for me. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”  (As a side note this verse has become one of my life verses).  She would later say it was only their faith in God that held them through this difficult time.

I walked and talked later than most kids.  The doctors said if I wasn’t walking by 2 then they would have me go for a Cystic Fibrosis test.  Well at 1 month before I turned 2 I walked.  I am not the brightest crayon in the box but I wouldn’t say I am stupid either.  I worked hard for my good grades and graduated as the third highest in my grade 12 and I graduated from my 4^th yr. of college with top honours.  My mom calls me her miracle baby.

So due to the Hirschsprungs my sphincter in my bum did not work. As a baby they stretched my sphincter, but by the age of 5, due to some blood in my stools they wondered if they would have to perform a full colostomy.   My brain would tell my body that I needed to poop but by sphincter would not open.  My parents prayed hard and the Doctor looked at my parents before they wheeled me into the surgery room, and said, “I know you are praying people so just pray.”  My parents prepared for the reality that I might not come out of the surgery.  In the end they did not need to remove my bowels, they just repaired and added to or remade my sphincter.  I remember that surgery well and how scared I was going through those surgery doors, having to leave my mom on the other side.  I lived off of laxatives for yrs and hated my regular trips to The Pas to see doctors for check ups.  I would scream not wanting them to touch me or check my bum.  My mom said that on one of the doctor visits back to Winnipeg one of the nurses was so surprised to see that I was alive after all I had been through.  I know my life is a miracle. 

I used to be shy and not want anyone to know this part of my story because it had to do with my bowels.  Now I think it’s interesting that I deal with quit the opposite, I no longer have a colon and I deal with short bowel syndrome.  So instead of being backed up real bad I can’t seem to get on top of the chronic runs.  Yet I continue to live and fight for life.  My mom recently saw two of the doctors who dealt with my issues and my mom’s health issues when I was young.  They were saddened to hear of my cancer diagnosis knowing full well what all I went through so many years before.  But praise the Lord I am still here.  Many times the doctors didn’t think I would survive and live.  They didn’t think I’d make it past the age of 5.  Well I am turning 37 at the end of this year. That’s something to praise the Lord about!  Though I am so ready to meet my Savior Jesus and I have complete peace about heaven, I have two little miracles of my own and an amazing husband who are not ready to say good-bye yet.  And so I choose to believe the Lord has something else in-store for me yet.  His call on my life has not been removed!  I will fight and choose life until it’s my time to enter those pearly gates.  Trusting His name will be praised through my story, past-present-and future.

Reunion

17 yrs ago I was in my 2nd yr of Bible School and I met these wonderful ladies.  All my life growing up I longed for friendships that were real and authentic.  I was one of few Christian kids in my community and often felt alone in my faith.  Even though I had a few good friends in high school I really looked forward to moving away and finding like-minded friendships.  These ladies were a lot of fun to hang out with during my Bethany days.  But we also had some sweet times singing together, sharing our hearts and encouraging each other in our walks with Jesus.  The last time we all got together was maybe 8 yrs ago.  Once I moved back, and these dear friends learned more about my health, they decided we needed to get together again.  They either drove out here, or flew, to spend a weekend with me at a sweet little retreat place just outside of Winnipeg.  One of the ladies' aunt and uncle run the place. We enjoyed some shopping, going to Thermea and yummy food at the retreat centre.  But my favorite time was gathering together on Sunday morning where we each took turns praying for each other.  Over the weekend we had poured out our hearts to each other and now was a time to bring those burdens to the Lord.  We prayed for each other and sang some good old familiar songs that we used to sing at Bible School 17 yrs ago.  I am thankful for friendships that you can pick up where you left of.   Hopefully we can do this again in a few years.  Here's to planning for the future!

When I look at these pictures I finally see why my daughter has been calling me her "little mommy."  I knew I was skinny and small but when I see it in pictures it makes me sad.  I eat so often and yet the calories don't seem to stay.  It made me think about how some times it's easy to see a skinny women and judge her thinking she mustn't eat or really take care of herself.  Well let's not judge others because perhaps they are dealing with health issues that affect their weight and what they can and can not eat or keep in.  Perspective!  My daughter prays, asking Jesus to make me stronger so I am not so little and so that I can carry her around for long periods of time.  

Update on my health

I figured I'd give a little update on how I am doing health wise as I know there are a few people who want to keep in the loop with that.

About a month ago I started to feel off.  One particular day in August I was in so much pain it reminded me of the days in December last year, before I was diagnosed, where I would wrath in pain. I was in BC, catching up with old friends, but had to return back to where we were staying to rest.  In this last month I have had a number of times where if I stand up too quick I feel like I will black out or pass out.  Normally my blood pressure is low but at times it's been even lower than my normal low.  I know I am dehydrated at times because I have not been drinking as much as I should.  The issue is if I drink while I eat a meal, or even right before or after, it's like I flush my system and my food runs through me.  So I don't end up drinking as much.  This has not helped.  And now I am taking 2 ounces of a supplement 4 times a day on top of drinking a certaian medication 3 times a day and then needing sip on water throughout the day. 

I have had some similar pains or even sounds in my digestive system that have made me wonder if this cancer is back.  So I called my oncologist and got in earlier to see him.  The issue is that I have days where the runs keep coming and I am on the toilet like 20 times.  This makes it hard to get the nutrients from the foods I eat.  People ask if I have an appetite.  I eat all the time.  I eat because I have to eat.  If I eat foods I want to eat it seems those are the ones that are harder on my digestive system.  You know the ones that are maybe more flavorful, etc.   I saw my oncologist on Monday.  At this point he said the meds (5 different ones) I take are all he knows what to give me to help.  He is referring me to a GI specialist.  See I have no colon and I also have a shortened small intestine.  I forget how much small intestine they took.  Maybe like 30 cm?  So I deal with short bowel syndrome as well.   I currently weigh 81.6 lbs.  At this point my oncologist, 2 different physio therapist and dietitian are concerned with my weight.  It's been explained to me that since I don't have an omentum to protect my organs and have very little fat and muscle those organs are more exposed in a sense and that it's vital that I gain weight to protect those vital organs.  Also due to the low weight and the fact that I am now in menopause, after my hysterectomy, I am at a higher percentage of losing bone density and getting complications from that like brittle bones, osteoporosis, etc .  When I asked about if myself and my family need to get the flu shot that Dr. explained that if I got the flu it could be lethal for me since I can't afford to go days without eating, I can't afford to lose more weight.  I don't have the fat stored on my body to protect me in times like that.  The Dr. did mention perhaps needing to look at TPN again.  Oh I was about to cry when he said that.  TPN is a bag of nutrients that looks like white glue that would be given to me intravenously for like a week or whatever.  This would mean time in the hospital and away from my family and needing to figure out childcare as my hubby works.  I had TPN so much this spring, I HATE it.  But if I can't figure out how to gain and keep weight on with food and physio then this will be my only option.  Some times it can be given at home and into your stomach as you sleep but not sure that can happen for people like me who don't live in the city.

I do get a shot once a month that is supposed to help lesson the amount of bathroom trips.  However I wasn't noticing that it made much difference these last 2 mths, even after we increased the dosage.  Now I take a similar shot but 3 times a day as a trial for this week to see if it will help.  If so then that monthly shot dosage will be increased again.  The complications that could arise from these shots is gull stones.  To be honest so far there hasn't been much improvement so I am not sure what we'll do if this doesn't work.  When I had to be taught how to give myself the shots I was assigned a wonderful nurse.  He name is Michelle.  She looked liked and talked like my friend Michelle who is also a nurse but lives in AB.  To be honest it felt like Jesus gave me a little gift of having my compassionate friend there with me explaining all about the needles and what I needed to do.  Cancer Care has been so good to me.  Most of the medical professionals I see are based in the same system.  My dietitian is a Christian and she genuinely cares about me.  She calls to check in on me and my weight.  She researches, give me meal ideas, goes over my food journal, tries to encourage me and has been so compassionate with me on days when it's all so overwhelming and the tears start to well in my eyes.

So I was due for a 6 mth scan in December but due to my complaints the oncologist is going to order a scan for me.  It's more a peace of mind for me but since things feel off I wanted to check.  It's hard to know if my pains that keep me up at night are due to all the digestive issues or the uti that I had an the antibiotics I was on or due to the pains still from the major surgery I had.  It's been 7 months from my last big surgery and 6 months from my final surgery.  I have been told it could take a yr or even 2 to get back to "normal."  The Dr. did tell me that the HIPEC (hot chemo) I had 7 mths ago could actually cause scarring in my intestines and that could cause pain and the runs too.  I started a hormone replacement but since I started that I have had more insomnia in a way.  So I am being referred to a different gyno at cancer care and I will also be referred to a pain specialist.  This means more appointments and more trips into the city and more times where I need to figure out child care.  Thankfully this past week two different friends offered to drive me in for my appointments and my friend looked after my kids for me.  I have found help for my little girl two mornings a week for 4 hrs at a time.  This has been helpful.  I started a book study with a friend on stress and I am realizing that even though I get stressed when my house is a mess it is gonna have to be one of those things I let go of so that I don't feel so overwhelmed by all the medical stuff on top of food prep (I have to eat 6 to 8 meals a day with protein in each meal) and taking care of family and house and life in general.

My husband is enjoying his job.  I appreciate that he's a man who works hard.  He lives out Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, work at it with your whole being, for the Lord and not for men."  We used to "work" together and have the same goal and vision.  Now that he works and I am at home, I appreciate when he tells me about his day, what he's learning or doing so that I can feel connected in some way.  I have been pondering what I want to do.  As I see people I know, with cancer, dealing with re-occurrence or being given little time to live, I know that I am not guaranteed to have years yet.  However, perhaps I will be.  I need to take each day as a gift.  A new day, given by the Lord, and one that is to be rejoiced in and given thanks for.  Yet I also want to look ahead to the future.  Eventually, after I feel healthier, and perhaps next year when my daughter starts kindergarten, I'd like to persue my Spiritual Direction course and further my training to become a Life coach.  Yesterday someone came to me saying that for her work she was asked to find a prayer person, someone who would specifically pray for her on a regular basis.  And when she asked I said, "Yes" because prayer is something I enjoy and am passionate about and it's something I can do "on my sick bed" too.  

Through all of this health stuff I am thankful for the medical team I have around me, thankful I can do all of this in English and yet I am thankful for my surgeon in Turkey who did the drastic and aggressive surgery that he did back on Feb 28th of this year.  I believe that added time to my life.  That, along with the thousands of prayers that have been and are being sent up on my behalf.  How humbling.