I have been on TPN for just over 3 weeks. The first 2 and a half weeks were rough with a lot of pain, lack of sleep and adjusting. But I was asked to go off for a few days because my blood work showed my potassium was too high. Too much potassium can negatively affect my heart. They ordered me new TPN without it. I have been on that now for almost a week and I feel much better.
I have started to gain weight. When I look at my body I feel huge. Some nights I have felt like my body was retaining water as it did when I was pregnant with K and that I was a balloon about to explode from the water retention. But then I look at pictures and I see how skinny I still am.
I get comments. Some are harder to hear than others. All are meant to be encouraging. When I am told that I look rounder or that I look like I have gained weight it isn't always easy to hear. When I hear that I look marvelous and healthier that's better. I used to be anorexic in Jr. High and High School. Actually until after my 1st yr of Bible School. I had a competition with some other girls to see who would be under 100 by grad. I bawled when I was 103. I over exercised and watched what I ate. It never got super bad like being hospitalized but my self esteem and view of myself was low.
It was at the training of a summer missions trip I was part of where I received my healing. We talked about footholds that Satan had in our lives and how we needed to find freedom in Jesus through that. I knew right away I needed prayer. I was already planning how I was going to avoid or skip meals and how I was going to watch my weight that summer. I knew this was taking my eyes off of Jesus and off of what He wanted to do in and through me that summer.
The leaders invited me to read Song of Songs chapter 4 over and over as they prayed with me, over me and tried to help me see where the roots were in my life that caused me to have this mindset. I grew up having a little bit of a pot belly. Not huge but not muscular either. People made comments. In grade 8 someone who was supposed to be a friend drew a picture of me as being fat and passed it around the class. Everyone saw it but me. Thankfully a friend told me about it. I vowed after that to never be FAT. And thus began the spiral.
The verse that stood out to me during this was Song of Songs 4:7: "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." I read this verse over and over until I could finally muster up some faith to believe this was true about me. That night I experienced freedom over the mindset and anorexia. And I feel like Satan lost some hold of my life at that point. That night when I was trying to sleep I heard a roaring voice in the room. Another girl who was sleeping in the same room heard it as well. I saw body parts on the ceiling and it was rather scary. But I prayed to Jesus and rebuked Satan and I experienced peace and freedom and fell asleep.
Do you know that a high percentage of people who have had some sort of trauma in their life like sexual abuse for example, have eating disorders? Not all, but a lot. So after this training night I also had some yrs of counseling for other things from my past and have had a much better perspective of myself and my body. It's been a process. I do not like hearing people complain about their weight. And now the perspective I have is that when we put ourselves down, our looks, our bodies, our abilities we are putting down the CREATOR who created us. He says in the Bible that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. If I put myself down it's like I am telling God He didn't do a good job.
However words are powerful. When I was pregnant I was introduced to someone I didn't know well. The person introducing me didn't have any mean intention but made a comment of how huge I looked. I went home that night and ended up in tears. When body image used to be something I struggled with a lot it was hard to have my body change and grow. Yes pregnancy is amazing and a miracle but your body changes in ways you've never experienced before.
Now fast forward to this last almost 2 yrs. In fall of 2016 I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos. I was trying to figure out how to best eat for those two diseases. I did research on eating the auto-immune protocol diet. Each disease had it's own diet that seemed to conflict at times. One diet told me to eat broccoli, etc the other said not to. After much stressing I did my best to limit the broccoli and foods in that family, to go gluten free and sugar free. I started losing weight. Then I got sick and eventually found out I had cancer. Now for sure I wanted to limit my cancer as I had read that glucose/sugar is like food for the cancer cells. 4 surgeries later and I was down 40 lbs. At my lowest, 77 lbs, my husband said I looked like death. For the last yr he felt like every time he was going to hug me he might break me. At first I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was a walking skeleton basically. I had to shop in the children's stores for clothes. I struggle to sit for long as I don't have a lot of fat on my butt so sitting on a tail bone is pretty painful.
However over time this has become my normal. I've gotten used to this body even though I knew it wasn't healthy. I tried to eat. I stuffed my face but due to having no colon I couldn't eat fiber, a lot of veggies and fruits, etc. Sugary foods ran through me too. At times it felt like all I was thinking about was food and figuring out what I could eat, and I tried my best to gain weight.
Now in the last 3 weeks I have gained 4 maybe 5 lbs. This is huge after having only gained 3 or 4 lbs in the last yr. But my body is changing and it's taking some getting used to. Clothes are fitting a little snugger. This is all good, I know that. Yet remember, I used to have an anorexic mindset and I am aware that I need to be careful where my thoughts go.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8
This is a verse I need to focus on. To capture my thoughts and give them to Jesus. I have talked to my doctor and nurse to let them know that I am fully aware that gaining weight might affect me. I don't want it to yet I also want to be aware of it too. My husband told me he no longer just sees my bones when he looks at my back. I know I look healthier. For one I am more hydrated and that helps big time. I barely drank this last yr because if I did food would run through me faster. TPN bypasses my gut and gets hydration and nutrients into my cells.
Knowing that words have positively or negatively affected me lately has also had me thinking about what words I use with my kids. Am I saying things that build them up or tear their spirits down even if it's not intentional?
I am also aware that it's easier for someone to comment and tell someone that they look good when they are losing weight. But it's harder to know what to say to someone trying to gain weight. Overall I am thankful that I am looking healthier, that I feel like I have a little more energy and life in me too. Thanks for the prayers, please keep them coming.
I have been asked to share my testimony later this month at a ladies event. There are so many stories I could tell but I really want to glorify God and share what it is that He wants me to share. I long for my words to be an encouragement to the ladies that attend. I'd appreciate your prayers as I seek God and what it is He wants me to share.
