4 years ago my husband and I planned to go watch La La Land in the movie theatre but before we went on our date we had a quick meeting with the doctor to hear the results of the pathology report that they sent in after my emergency appendectomy 6 days earlier. We were NOT expecting to hear the words: CANCER, GOBLET CELL CARCINOMA (adenocarcinoma) of the Appendix. We were in shock. We decided to go ahead and watch our movie, sitting there holding hands, shell-shocked by the news, and then let the loved ones in our lives about how our worlds were about to be turned upside down by this unexpected news. I remember driving to a Life Coaching meeting (I was finishing up the 2nd to last session of training) and on the drive there, (I was in the passenger seat) I sent a message, tears streaming down my face, to my friends and family. The 2 friends that I was doing my coaching session with met me at the door with wide open arms and tears of their own.
It was so hard to tell me small kids that evening. My son knew what cancer was after having had his grandpa pass away from colon cancer a couple years prior. It all felt so scary and unknown. And one week later I was heading into another surgery, this time to try to remove all the cancer with a right-hemicolectomy. Only later to discover that there was even more cancer and I'd have to endure another 2 surgeries and a small procedure yet all before May of that year.
I still can't explain the peace that I experienced in those desolate times. I still can't fully explain how the presence of Jesus was felt as I was wheeled into each surgery or experienced through the love of family and friends. I still can't fully explain how I even survived all of that other than that it was by God's grace and with the prayers and support of many around me.
I recently looked back over update letters that we sent around that time. Seeing pictures of my small kids, knowing how traumatic it all was for them and how we are all still healing from what we experienced during that time. I was in awe of little details like how many friends and family flew out to help take care of my kids, or sit with me in the hospital so my husband could spend time with them. How when my husband sent the email saying we felt we needed to move back to Canada and asked for prayer for a fulfilling job that would provide for our family. God has been abundantly gracious in providing a job that does just that for my husband. He's carried us, provided for us and loved on us.
Someone I know recently lost his wife to cancer. Man I can't stand cancer. Anyways, I couldn't bear the thought of his small kids not getting to have their mommy around. My heart just broke. I experienced "survivor's guilt" and struggled to know why I was still alive but why her small kids couldn't have their mommy live. It seems cancer affects so many lives. I didn't want to dwell on me but I looked for ways to be an encouragement and help provide some helpful books for him to help his kids in the grieving process. My heart is so soft towards those who face cancer or infertility as those are 2 things that have impacted my life so significantly. I just want to be an ear and a support where I can.
I can't explain how I was feeling last night but I just felt heavy. I was trying to process the significance of this anniversary and the realization of how lonely I was feeling not being able to have friends and family to celebrate my 40th birthday last month and this special anniversary. I choose to call it my Cancer Survivor Anniversary and later tonight my husband and I will watch LA LA LAND, our yearly tradition since getting my diagnosis. Anyways, last night I chose to watch "Clouds" a true story movie about a teenage boy in his Sr. Year who had cancer. At the end he said, "I just want people to know that you don't have to know that you are dying to really start living." I have made it 4 years and I want to really live to enjoy the next 4 and hopefully beyond that.
I have not been feeling well since August, doctors have been monitoring my LFT blood work and they even switched my TPN (the nutrition I get 3 nights a week through my port) formulation but I continue to find myself have days of utter exhaustion, debilitating nausea (where some times I struggle to get my kids out the door to school or find it overwhelming to the point of tears like last Thursday because I didn't have energy to think about feeding my family). Usually my capacity is 75% but lately it's been 50% or even as low at 30%. For the past few months I had been feeling this way usually on a TPN hook up night but these past 2 weeks I continued to feel that way even when I wasn't getting TPN. So I called my medical team and they ordered blood work a week and a half earlier than planned and now I am awaiting a phone call to find out when I will get a CT SCAN. I should have gotten one in December but we decided to push it off a few months due to Covid. However, after talking with my cancer team we decided to order a scan sooner than later just to be sure. Thankfully the last 2 days I have been able to feel significantly better than I did last Thursday. I take the TPN tonight again for the week so I'm curious how I'll feel in the morning.
As a way to celebrate this 4 year anniversary I'd love to fundraise for CancerCare Manitoba Foundation. If you'd like to donate just click on this link: CancerCare Manitoba Foundation
Even though I had all my surgeries overseas I have a wonderful medical team at Cancer Care who have followed up with me, taken care of me and encouraged me over these past 3.5 yrs. I am beyond grateful for each of the nurses, doctors, dieticians, etc.
I have been listening to a song called, "The Story I'll Tell" song by Maverick City Music
