Wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote on my blog. A quick update is that I have continued to sit at around 95 to 96 lbs since January. I hook up to TPN 3 nights a week. I have wrestled with anxiety in more ways these past 2 and a half yrs than I have before I got sick. My hubby asked me the other day how much the whole TPN thing adds to my anxiety. I think it does add to it some what. I was able to have 2 weeks off this summer so we could go on a vacation up north to see my family and a vacation to Wisconsin Dells which was wonderful. I would go back to Wisconsin in a heart beat. It was so beautiful and we met so many people from Turkey there which felt like a little piece of home brought to us. Anyways, I see my TPN Dr. at the end of September and I am considering asking them to allow me to have a month off of TPN and see how I fair. I have a CT scan coming up in October. I have a hernia or two on my left side above my belly button. I'm told no surgeon will want to see me about it or try anything at this point for fear they'd make things worse or there would be complications due to all my scar tissue. So at this point unless it gets worse I need to be careful with heavy lifting, etc.
Next week my little girl starts school full time. I'll have 1 kid in elementary school and one in Jr. High. It's crazy. My youngest was in tears today. Her grandma, who was the school librarian, retired and so K is sad. She won't have grandma there to check on her and she's sad she won't have her Kindergarten teacher either, who apparently was always available to give hugs when K was sad. Transitions and change are hard! But I'm sure once she gets settled in she'll do just fine as she's social and will be excited to be with her friends.
With both my kids being in school full time I knew I wanted to do something for myself this fall. I daily live with chronic pain and know my capacity isn't what it used to be but I wanted to focus on something that would help me look forward instead of looking daily at my limitations, would help me use my gifts, and also eventually help my family with some extra income so we could save up what we need to eventually get back to Turkey to say goodbye to our friends there and get the proper closure we didn't get when we left 2 yrs ago.
When I was pregnant with Isaiah I took a couple of seminary classes towards my Masters in Counseling. I went back to that seminary this summer to ask if those classes would still be able to count for my Masters and what it would look like to start focusing on finishing that degree. After a campus tour and visit I felt that I wasn't ready to jump in head first. I will admit my brain has SLOWED DOWN big time from all me meds, lack of sleep, trauma, etc. I just didn't think I'd be ready to pump out 20 page papers any time soon.
My first of 4 ER trip visits before I was diagnosed with Cancer was around the time I took at 3 day LIFE COACHING training in November of 2016. I wanted to finish that and do a 5 day course that was being offered in Seattle. But by the time I went to apply I was told the course was full and I was put on the wait list.
All the while, I had monarch caterpillars in glass jars in my house. I would often be found alone, watching them eat, form a J, looking at the chrysalis and waiting for the butterflies to emerge. In this time I would pray, sit and listen for the Lord's gentle voice and leading in my life. I felt like he had something new for me. It was a beautiful experience to watch 4 of them emerge within 20 mins on a Sunday morning. It was time for new beginnings.
A friend I had met during our DEBRIEF when we returned 2 yrs ago mentioned that she was going to do a SPIRITUAL DIRECTION course in the city. This totally peeked my interested because for years I would tell people I wanted to eventually pursue my education to be a counselor or a spiritual director. I knew that in whatever profession I chose I wanted my faith to be evident and my relationship with Jesus to be something I didn't need to shy away from. Isaiah 61 is my heart. I have a heart for women and long to see them find freedom in their lives. I long be there to help walk alongside the brokenhearted and to be a comfort to those in mourning. I applied for the course and when I had my phone interview the man interviewing me asked me what my experience was with spiritual direction. I was able to say that I first experienced it right after my first miscarriage. Through infertility, loss and sickness over the years spiritual direction has helped me seek out Jesus when part of me felt so jaded and alone. I believe much healing occurred in my heart through Spiritual Direction. The man interviewing me said he was excited to see where the Lord would take me with this because he said he knows from experience that seasons of loss or infertility or sickness are a time when people wonder what Jesus is up to in their lives.
When I have told a couple of friends about this they have said things like, "That's so you!" I got my final acceptance today and I am excited to learn and grow in my own walk with Jesus as well as be there to walk alongside others.
I only need to do 5 weeks in the city in 9 months and the rest I get to do at home so I am happy about that. The papers won't be as academic as seminary would be. For now I will do the first yr and after that consider taking the 2nd yr or look into my counseling certificate. I don't need to stress about the future, I'll take it one day at a time but for now I'm just excited to be able to have space and time to really pour into my giftings, my relationship with Jesus, and to continue to allow Him to work in my heart in areas I need freedom and healing from. If you think of it please pray for continued healing for all of us from all we've been through, for adjustments for us as I start school and my kiddos transition in school as well.
