Today I got to watch my niece make a public declaration of her love for Jesus and watch her get baptized. I had tears in my eyes. I was so proud of her. I am so thankful for the godly role model that she is to my kiddos. And I am so excited that she's on a journey of learning to hear God's voice. And I am so thankful that this morning happened to be a "good" morning for me health wise which meant I was able to fully engage with others and the Lord during the service which I have been needing lately.
During the service my little girl said, "In T we were able to gather all around those who got baptized but here we can't?" The baptismal tub was on stage here so it was different. This made me miss our church experience in T. I miss the worship, the dancing, the passion, the prayer times. I miss the exuberant worship times. Though I struggled due to the language barrier I loved being able to watch the people gather around each other at the end of a service and prophetically pray over each other. Some times it feels like it was years ago that we lived there. But just today, my mom sent me a note saying "it was hard to believe just a yr ago today they left T after coming to visit us and help us pack up for our move back to Canada. Wow, what a yr. I am so thankful my family was able to come out there and see what our life was like there, meet our community and help me with the kids and packing up as I was just released from the hospital the day they arrived for their visit there. I miss our friends, community and life there. I know that with my health situation there is no way I could be living there right now but it feels like it would take a miracle to even get back there for a visit to be able to say a proper good-bye for closure.
Now it feels weird to think about the possibility of being in the hospital again. I finally have a Dr. appointment for May 15th to see the GI specialist at the Manitoba Home Nutrition program. We will be discussing the pros and cons of TPN and I guess when and if I will start on it. If so I could very well end up in the hospital for a few days, have to get a pic line put in, and have my blood work monitored to make sure everything is working. I know I will need prayer as the whole having to stay in a hospital will bring up some feelings from a yr ago that I don't want to have to revisit. I will need to soak in the Word of God and listen to Worship music to keep my spirits up especially during that time. I had a sweet hospital room all to myself in T. Here, I will most likely have to have a roommate which I am not looking forward to either (but I will pray that the Father will use me if that is the case to be a blessing to my roommate). I guess I was spoiled when it came to hospital experiences in T. The nurses were at my becking call there and always willing and ready to help. Except when I was begging for more meds and they'd tell me I'd have to still wait an hr or more yet to get my next dose. I know if I have to stay a few days in the hospital that will be hard on my kids and I am praying that childcare will get worked out for that time too. My son has his spring concert on the 16th and I was supposed to do a spiritual retreat with some friends on the 18th so I am hoping if I am supposed to be in the hospital that it will wait till after the 18th.
And perhaps the Dr will tell me I am fine at 82.4 lbs and don't need TPN. Who knows! In the mean time I will keep trucking along. Spring has sprung which means I need to figure out how to garden again (it's been over 10 yrs since I planted my own garden). I found out my little girl's babysitter is really busy working a different job this month so she won't be available. This just means I will need even more energy to be a good mom, take care of my house and my yard and not get a many naps in as I would like.
This morning I got up early to spend time with Jesus. The words, "RESPOND DON'T REACT" came to mind. Oh how I need the Lord's help to respond and not react when it comes to parenting and dealing with situations that arise in our home. I believe we (especially the kids and I) are still adjusting to life here in Canada which means some days there are emotions that are high (or low) in our home. I have been working at growing my own little home business but this takes up time and energy. I need to make sure I don't neglect my relationship with Jesus and my little family either. BALANCE...it's all about balance. The verse I have on my black board that I am trying to focus on right now is James 1:19NLT: "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to LISTEN, slow to SPEAK, and slow to get angry." I am not perfect. In fact I am so very weak physically and emotionally these days but it's in my weakness that He gives me His strength. I am so thankful for those people who have either dropped by this week or stopped me at church or sent a message to tell me that they are still praying for me.
Sunday, 29 April 2018
Friday, 20 April 2018
Spring
Spring is starting to arrive. Yesterday was beautiful. I have been enjoying watching the Blue Jay in my back yard, hearing the birds chirp, feeling the sunshine on my skin and going for a little walk with my kiddos while they are on their scooters. Spring...a new season. Last year I feel like I missed out on Spring. I was finally out of the hospital but I was still healing. My family was out to help us pack up our apartment and to help take care of the kiddos while I spent the time resting, healing, going to doctor appointments, and trying really hard to get strong enough to get on the plane to fly and move back to Canada. Some how it feels like last Spring just flew by and I missed out. However it's a new season and I feel stronger than I did a yr ago. I still lack a lot of energy but I now am able to ride my bike with my son for a short bike ride or walk alongside my little girl on her scooter. I am able to sit and enjoy the Canadian geese standing outside the window rather than laying in bed feeling miserable and wondering if life would ever get better which is what I did a yr ago. So there is hope. Spring reminds me of HOPE, of newness and life. So I am praying that the Lord will met me in a special way this season. I had coffee with someone this week and just realized how much of "in a funk" I was feeling. Purpose, I long for purpose. The Lord has decided He's not ready to take me HOME yet so I am just wondering what my PURPOSE is here on earth. Yes, I am here to be a light, a testimony of Jesus' love, healing and presence. But how does that shine through my every day life? I am not sure. I do find it interesting that I have had the privilege of walking alongside a couple people in their grief over the loss of a loved one in their life since I have been back to Canada. I count that a privilege because grief is so real and raw and hard and not everyone gets it. Not everyone is willing to talk about death and loss and love and life like that.
I have been behind in my blogging. Life has been busy. We visited my family for Easter and I enjoyed connecting with my 98 yr old Grandpa. Then we celebrated my son's birthday and well life just got busy. But I really do want to continue to write out my "story" for my family to have. So many ideas or what to write, just got to figure out where to start. Some stories will be written down but not put on the blog as they are too intimate to put out there on the world wide web at this point but I want me kids to have my WHOLE story...the good, the painful parts, the bad, the ugly, the joyfilled parts...the truth. If I were to ever pass away I want them to have stories so that they can remember who I was and how Christ grabbed ahold of broken me and transformed me into HIS likeness.
I have been behind in my blogging. Life has been busy. We visited my family for Easter and I enjoyed connecting with my 98 yr old Grandpa. Then we celebrated my son's birthday and well life just got busy. But I really do want to continue to write out my "story" for my family to have. So many ideas or what to write, just got to figure out where to start. Some stories will be written down but not put on the blog as they are too intimate to put out there on the world wide web at this point but I want me kids to have my WHOLE story...the good, the painful parts, the bad, the ugly, the joyfilled parts...the truth. If I were to ever pass away I want them to have stories so that they can remember who I was and how Christ grabbed ahold of broken me and transformed me into HIS likeness.
Friday, 6 April 2018
He's Growing UP
My son's birthday is just around the corner. Seeing as in a different post I wrote a little about my miscarriages and my pregnancy with my little girl I wanted to share a bit of my son's story.
We got married in 2003 and we had our lives all planned out. We were gonna go on a short term missions trip to Africa and after that was finished we were going to head to Korea to teach English. The plan was to make money, come back to Canada and then start a family. Well things didn't go as planned. We had applied to teach English after our 10 mths on the program and spending 8 of those in Africa. However, because the Bible School where we met became accredited and changed it's name in-between when I graduated, and when my husband did, our degrees looks similar and yet different. They were having issues with forged degrees and so they just assumed ours were as well. So in the end that plan fell through. My husband used to work at the local Credit Union so he went to see the manager to see if there was a job available. The manager laughed and said he has already ordered a suit in my husband's size because God has told him my husband would be back working there.
So we decided to put down roots in our small town for a bit. I started to work in the office at a local factory. However, what I really wanted was to be a mom. I didn't enjoy going to work before my husband and getting home after he did. I did not enjoy my job and all I wanted was to be pregnant. But that didn't happen right away. Months of disappointment and negative pregnancy tests went by.
One day we were reading our Bible and working through the devotional OUR DAILY BREAD together. My husband read the reading and verse from the "wrong" day without knowing it. The verse for that day was 2 Kings 4:16: New International Version (NIV)
16 “About this time next year,” Elisha said, “you will hold a son in your arms.”
When we realized we read the wrong reading, we looked at each other and wondered if this wasn't the Lord speaking to us.
Eventually I quit my job and started at a new factory in the office. I enjoyed this work environment much better. I remember seeing my Dr. and starting basic fertility testing. I had a painful HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM the first month I started the new job. 2 months later I woke up realizing that if that verse from a few months before was true I should do a pregnancy test because I would be pregnant. Sure enough we finally had a +pregnancy test. We were overjoyed. We kept it a secret for a bit. I remember a dear teacher friend of mine, with the gift of prophecy, had been praying for us for the months we had been trying and praying for a baby. I found out I was expecting around the end of August and at the beginning of September she sent me an email asking if I was pregnant because she felt the Lord had told her I was pregnant but she hadn't heard from me yet. :0)
All through my pregnancy the Dr. thought I was gonna have a girl but I knew in my heart that it was a boy. My water broke after 5 in the am on April 15th but after 19.5 hrs of labour my son's heart beat was going crazy. I had a wicked cold and I so tired. After midnight they decided to perform a c-section. I was pretty out of it from the meds but I do remember when he came out saying, "I knew it all along, scripture was right! It's a boy."
I can't believe that little boy will soon be 11. He's grown up so much. We love our son and are proud of him. I appreciate how KIND he is to others and how he loves to LEARN. He loves facts, reading, knowledge and LEGO. He likes to joke around too. He is our first little miracle and we are so thankful for him. He loves to dress up in dress shirts and ties or suit jackets and he has a little business mind. We look forward to seeing how the Lord will use our son in the future.
We got married in 2003 and we had our lives all planned out. We were gonna go on a short term missions trip to Africa and after that was finished we were going to head to Korea to teach English. The plan was to make money, come back to Canada and then start a family. Well things didn't go as planned. We had applied to teach English after our 10 mths on the program and spending 8 of those in Africa. However, because the Bible School where we met became accredited and changed it's name in-between when I graduated, and when my husband did, our degrees looks similar and yet different. They were having issues with forged degrees and so they just assumed ours were as well. So in the end that plan fell through. My husband used to work at the local Credit Union so he went to see the manager to see if there was a job available. The manager laughed and said he has already ordered a suit in my husband's size because God has told him my husband would be back working there.
So we decided to put down roots in our small town for a bit. I started to work in the office at a local factory. However, what I really wanted was to be a mom. I didn't enjoy going to work before my husband and getting home after he did. I did not enjoy my job and all I wanted was to be pregnant. But that didn't happen right away. Months of disappointment and negative pregnancy tests went by.
One day we were reading our Bible and working through the devotional OUR DAILY BREAD together. My husband read the reading and verse from the "wrong" day without knowing it. The verse for that day was 2 Kings 4:16: New International Version (NIV)
16 “About this time next year,” Elisha said, “you will hold a son in your arms.”
When we realized we read the wrong reading, we looked at each other and wondered if this wasn't the Lord speaking to us.
Eventually I quit my job and started at a new factory in the office. I enjoyed this work environment much better. I remember seeing my Dr. and starting basic fertility testing. I had a painful HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM the first month I started the new job. 2 months later I woke up realizing that if that verse from a few months before was true I should do a pregnancy test because I would be pregnant. Sure enough we finally had a +pregnancy test. We were overjoyed. We kept it a secret for a bit. I remember a dear teacher friend of mine, with the gift of prophecy, had been praying for us for the months we had been trying and praying for a baby. I found out I was expecting around the end of August and at the beginning of September she sent me an email asking if I was pregnant because she felt the Lord had told her I was pregnant but she hadn't heard from me yet. :0)
All through my pregnancy the Dr. thought I was gonna have a girl but I knew in my heart that it was a boy. My water broke after 5 in the am on April 15th but after 19.5 hrs of labour my son's heart beat was going crazy. I had a wicked cold and I so tired. After midnight they decided to perform a c-section. I was pretty out of it from the meds but I do remember when he came out saying, "I knew it all along, scripture was right! It's a boy."
I can't believe that little boy will soon be 11. He's grown up so much. We love our son and are proud of him. I appreciate how KIND he is to others and how he loves to LEARN. He loves facts, reading, knowledge and LEGO. He likes to joke around too. He is our first little miracle and we are so thankful for him. He loves to dress up in dress shirts and ties or suit jackets and he has a little business mind. We look forward to seeing how the Lord will use our son in the future.
Wednesday, 4 April 2018
CT results
I posted this on FB this week:
"My recent CT scan was clear. I am 82.4 lbs. Lost weight again. I stuffed my face so much lately but still lost weight...so frustrating. He said it is not his speciality to deal w the pain and short bowel issues. The pain Dr. I have will continue to help me manage my pain. The oncologist manages my disease. He said right now we can say i am in remission according to the scans. This disease could come back within the first 2 yrs or 5 or 10. But i felt weird to hear the remission word today. I am thankful but just wish i felt better. He is gonna request that my GI appointment (may 30) get moved up so we can talk w that specialist about TPN. Though oncologist said there r some risks with TPN like liver failure or kidney issues but at this point we r not sure if i have other options to fatten me up. If i were to get a flu i could not handle losing more weight...there is no fat reserve. This will all be discussed w the GI specialist. Please pray that appt will happen in April so i don't need to keep waiting for it. Thx. Blood pressure is still low but better than it was 2 weeks ago. I see my GP on Friday so will discuss w him about the thyroid issues , the reactive hypoglycemia and low blood pressure and tpn. I am now waiting to get routine blood work and a tumor marker test done. Thanks for the prayers. I am feeling pretty exhausted today."
I have been exhausted. Today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with the day to day tasks. I made a nice meal using my new instant pot that my mom gave me. But then I look around my house, I see all the spring cleaning, sorting and organizing that needs to be done and I am exhausted just thinking about it. I want a garden and our yard needs some serious loving this spring/summer but I honestly don't think I'll have energy to really plant a garden or maintain our yard and that makes me sad.
When my oncologist told me about my results being clear he said, "Thank God for small miracles." Well I am thankful. When he used the words "remission" it was hard to really embrace that word knowing I was told at one point this cancer doesn't ever really see remission. So I want to embrace it, to rejoice and to believe it. I have told my kids that the Dr. said there NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE. However, my little girl still doesn't understand why I am still "sick."
This past week she said, "Mommy, you used to be able to carry me when we lived in T. Maybe when I am 16 I will be able to carry you."
She often talks about how I am her little mommy. She talks a lot about heaven and death and how she thought I was gonna die last yr. She told me today that she figured I'd die first because I am smaller than my husband. I feel for my little girl that she has had to process all this at such a young age. I try my best to do normal life in my home but this week I feel like I am dragging myself. Like all I want to do is close my eyes but I can't. We continue to ask the Lord for full healing.
We took a long road trip up north to see my family for Easter. I was so nice to get out on the ski-doo for a ride with my hubby and to see my kids enjoying rides as well as sledding on the hill. My favorite part was visiting with my 98 yr old grandpa and hearing his stories of being a gunner and a pilot in WW2. My son interviewed him and we got some clips recorded. Knowing he won't live too many more yrs yet it will be a precious memory having him share those stories for us to listen to for yrs to come.
"My recent CT scan was clear. I am 82.4 lbs. Lost weight again. I stuffed my face so much lately but still lost weight...so frustrating. He said it is not his speciality to deal w the pain and short bowel issues. The pain Dr. I have will continue to help me manage my pain. The oncologist manages my disease. He said right now we can say i am in remission according to the scans. This disease could come back within the first 2 yrs or 5 or 10. But i felt weird to hear the remission word today. I am thankful but just wish i felt better. He is gonna request that my GI appointment (may 30) get moved up so we can talk w that specialist about TPN. Though oncologist said there r some risks with TPN like liver failure or kidney issues but at this point we r not sure if i have other options to fatten me up. If i were to get a flu i could not handle losing more weight...there is no fat reserve. This will all be discussed w the GI specialist. Please pray that appt will happen in April so i don't need to keep waiting for it. Thx. Blood pressure is still low but better than it was 2 weeks ago. I see my GP on Friday so will discuss w him about the thyroid issues , the reactive hypoglycemia and low blood pressure and tpn. I am now waiting to get routine blood work and a tumor marker test done. Thanks for the prayers. I am feeling pretty exhausted today."
I have been exhausted. Today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with the day to day tasks. I made a nice meal using my new instant pot that my mom gave me. But then I look around my house, I see all the spring cleaning, sorting and organizing that needs to be done and I am exhausted just thinking about it. I want a garden and our yard needs some serious loving this spring/summer but I honestly don't think I'll have energy to really plant a garden or maintain our yard and that makes me sad.
When my oncologist told me about my results being clear he said, "Thank God for small miracles." Well I am thankful. When he used the words "remission" it was hard to really embrace that word knowing I was told at one point this cancer doesn't ever really see remission. So I want to embrace it, to rejoice and to believe it. I have told my kids that the Dr. said there NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE. However, my little girl still doesn't understand why I am still "sick."
This past week she said, "Mommy, you used to be able to carry me when we lived in T. Maybe when I am 16 I will be able to carry you."
She often talks about how I am her little mommy. She talks a lot about heaven and death and how she thought I was gonna die last yr. She told me today that she figured I'd die first because I am smaller than my husband. I feel for my little girl that she has had to process all this at such a young age. I try my best to do normal life in my home but this week I feel like I am dragging myself. Like all I want to do is close my eyes but I can't. We continue to ask the Lord for full healing.
We took a long road trip up north to see my family for Easter. I was so nice to get out on the ski-doo for a ride with my hubby and to see my kids enjoying rides as well as sledding on the hill. My favorite part was visiting with my 98 yr old grandpa and hearing his stories of being a gunner and a pilot in WW2. My son interviewed him and we got some clips recorded. Knowing he won't live too many more yrs yet it will be a precious memory having him share those stories for us to listen to for yrs to come.
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