So this is 40! I had a few minutes to myself this morning to reflect while I ate the pancakes my husband made for me. For months I was excited to turn 40 at the end of this year. However this past week it didn't seem so exciting when I realized the cold snap of weather and this crazy Pandemic's restrictions would mean we'd be stuck inside, unable to celebrate with family and friends. Knowing the significance of reaching this milestone my parents are finding it hard not being here to celebrate together with me. Some how the day snuck up on me and I wasn't able to journal and reflect like I had planned that I would. So I took 20 minutes, before the kids woke up, to journal (and now I have some more time as I write this blog tonight).
Just as I was about to put the pen to my paper, a verse popped into my mind. Romans 15:13. It's the verse I held onto for years when I prayed for another child. "May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit." HOPE-this is the word I used for my daughter's middle name. In 5 years of secondary infertility God kept giving me glimmers of hope, amidst the losses and despair. And now, today, this verse stood out to me in a new way. As I reflected on turning 40 this is what I thinking about;
"40! I never thought I'd see this day. At 18 or 19 I remember telling some close friends that I thought I'd be dead by the age of 40, either that or that Jesus would return by then. Okay I can't for-tell the future but back then I struggled with some depression and suicidal thoughts earlier in Jr. and Sr. high school. It was super tough being one of the only Christians in my school. It was hard having an extended family member tell me that I was brainwashed for believing in Jesus. I know that I longed for heaven even at that young of age. Some how the promise of heaven felt easier than living with the struggles on the earth. When I had cancer all the more this became real to me. The reality of my life hanging by a thread still feels very vivid to me. But so does the nearness of my Heavenly Father. The presence of Jesus in that dark valley is unexplainable at times. When I look back on the past 40 years I continue to see God's hand on my life from sparing me in the womb, sparing my life from killer bees, and cancer, etc. My mom wrote me a note, reflecting on the beginning of my life, the stays in the critical care unit in the hospital, the prayers for "LIFE" that she prayed for me, her unborn child at the time, and for the miracle that I was. Doctors told her I wouldn't live in the womb, when I did they told my parents I wouldn't make it till age 5 due to all my health complications. "God has intervened many times in my life when it had seemed all HOPE was fading" as my mom put it. I know that He is not finished with me and so I choose to humbly ask Him to continue to draw me close to Himself, to use me in the lives of those around me and to shape me into more of His likeness.
Leading up to my 40th I felt compelled to write 40 people thanking them for ways they impacted my life through their mentoring, prayers, ministry, example, discipleship, friendship, etc. I spent a lot of time reflecting on the past as I wrote those letters, and contemplated each of those relationships. As I reflected on those letters this morning I felt like some how on the other side of today, the 23rd, there is a gift. A gift of HOPE. A gift to look to the future. Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. Plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE." This verse feels so new to me suddenly. Lord I don't want to be afraid to hope for the future. I humbly come and lay my fears at your feet. Thank you for the gift of a future with you here on earth and eventually together with you eternally. For the past few years it felt like reaching 40 would be a huge milestone. I honestly didn't think too much beyond that. But God, But God isn't done with me yet and now tomorrow I get to look ahead with hope and expectation of the future. I can dream again. I can walk expectantly with Hope. The canvas is blank and I have no clue what the future holds for me and my little family but I know who holds me and my future! It feels like strange ground, perhaps holy ground, to be able to look ahead with HOPE and be able to dream again. I do know that one dream I have is to grow my SPIRITUAL DIRECTION work. It's been a privilege to walk alongside the directees I have had this past year and I am praying for many more directees to be able to companion alongside of. What a humbling gift it is to journey alongside of others in their spiritual lives.
I am so thankful for the friends and family who took time to send me letters and gifts. I think my main love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, with acts of service close behind. Honestly reading each of those heartfelt letters filled up my love tank to overflowing. I felt SEEN, cared for and LOVED. To be honest, I deal with an inner critic in my mind often telling me how I am failing at parenting my kids or failing at so many other things. I worry I am too much for some friends, with my intensity for depth in relationships, and my desire to be so Jesus focused in things I say and do. But these letters helped me see ways that God has used me, ministered to others through me and how He's used me to point others to HIM. I was so encouraged. It made me think about funerals. At funerals we have a time of sharing about what the person meant to us. We share stories and memories. But friends today made me realize all the more that why wait till a funeral? If there is someone in your life that you appreciate. Someone who has touched you, ministered to you, encouraged you, go out of your way to let them know how much that meant to you. Don't wait till someone's funeral to then share those special memories when they are not even there to hear it. I know that I will continue to let people know the impact they have had in my own life when those opportunities arise.
Today I did have some friends meet me over zoom to chat, sing me happy b-day and let me know they love me. When we moved back 3.5 yrs ago a number of the friendships I had here changed and it was quite lonely at first. I am thankful for this group of friends that welcomed me in and have loved me just as I am, "quirks and all" as one friend put it. Some friends popped by with cards or goodies as well. God is faithful and has provided some sweet friends. Another sweet friend made me a fun birthday cake. With 2020 being the year Costco kept funning out of toilet paper due to a pandemic, as well as the fact that I did have some anxiety over a TP shortage due to my short bowel syndrome issues it seemed fitting to have her make this cake. And this evening I enjoyed some MINUTE TO WIN IT games with my little family and as well as putting a puzzle together.
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