He is There

This morning I sat down at breakfast to read from my devotional book, "Jesus Always" by Sarah Young.  This was today's reading.  So fitting since I went to bed with a heaviness in my heart, and the feeling of loneliness that I can't really explain.  I have some dear friends here in town, some new friends that I am making who are very welcoming and nice, and some wonderful friends living in other provinces or countries.  One of my biggest love languages is quality time.  However I don't always have the energy these days to invest in the quality time needed.  I miss the times where I would gather with my friends in T and we'd sit down around a big map of the country and spend an evening in prayer together.  I miss the prayer times, chats, laughs, and deep sharing together and the understanding of life overseas.  Some friendships have changed or been lost and that has been hard for me to accept.  I know I need to release those and see that there are many others around me that love me just as I am and that I don't need to be "friends" with everyone.  Yet that loneliness is there.  I can't really put it into words or fully describe why I even feel this way.  And tonight a deep sadness washed over me as I reflected and missed the loss of the life we lived there and the community we had overseas. But I am thankful that the Lord knew my heart this morning and reminded me that He sees me in my loneliness and even reminded me of one of my favorite verses from Isaiah 41.

My son and I have been slowly working through a devotional book on prayer.  We talked about some of the names of God this week and the one that stood out to both of us was "Jehovah Shammah" which means, "He is there." So I reflected on this a bit today as I processed with my son some hurtful words that were spoken to him during a sporting event, from some kids he didn't really know, and as I reflected on the loneliness I have been feeling lately.  As I reminded my son of the TRUTH of who he is in Christ rather than those crude words that were spoken to him, we both found comfort in the reality that "The almighty God of the universe is with us."  He was there through it all and is Here always with us.  So no matter where you are at know that He knows everything, He's right there.  He won't leave you.

This past weekend I found out that my friend Jody passed away from Goblet Cell Appendix cancer...the same cancer I had.  When I read the fb update from her husband I burst into tears.  Jody was diagnosed with cancer a month before I was.  When I was diagnosed I felt so alone because this was such a rare and aggressive cancer with little research done on it.  I was thankful that I found her online and we connected right away, even though there was a bit of an age gap.  She was a constant encouragement to me through my surgeries and healing.  We'd share doctor appointment updates and prayer requests.  She even sent me a picture of what our cancer looks like when she found out she had recurrence in her small intestine.  Her death meant the loss of a friend who understood my type of cancer.  It was a little bit of a reality check for me.  When I was diagnosed I was informed that this cancer would most likely return in the first yr to 2 yrs after.  Knowing she fought hard but that it was just over a yr that she passed away from her diagnosis affected me deeply.  I wished I was able to let her know how much she meant to me but her husband assured me that she knew that and appreciated me just the same.

Cancer sucks.  Healing from cancer sucks.  Dealing from chronic health issues from the cancer surgeries sucks.  But I am alive and I need to make the most of the time I have here on earth. I am becoming more passionate about making healthy changes in my home in regards to what we eat, what we put on our bodies in regards to lotions, shampoos, make-up etc, what ingredients are in the meds we take and snacks we eat.  I look back over my life and reflect on how much junk I ate over the yrs, how many chemicals I put into my body through things like midol, antibiotics, toxins in my make-up, my perfumes, cleaning supplies, etc and I wish I could go back and wish I would have made changes sooner.  But I can't live in regret and all I can do is slowly make those changes as I can now.  I am thankful (even though it can feel overwhelming to be making all these changes in diet and in our home at the same time) for this journey to better knowledge and better health that I am on right now.

And update on my health...well I FINALLY got my referral that I have been waiting for since fall to see the GI specialist.  That appointment is for May 30th.  I have my CT scan on the 28th of March.  I get my results on April 3rd and I see my GP on April 6th to discuss the fact that recent blood work showed I am still dealing with hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos (the autoimmune issues with my thyroid).  So lots of appointments coming up but again I am thankful for the medical team around me.

Tonight I finished a craft I have been working on through our Morning Out For Moms program in town.  I am not a crafty person and I didn't think this would turn out.  In fact I left it for a few days unfinished because I was afraid to really attempt it.  But I am happy with how it turned out for the most part.  I decided on this pattern because it reminded me of "THE KISSING HAND" book that I was able to read to my kids when I was in the hospital.  Each kid reacted differently when I was sick and in the hospital.  One found it hard to see me like that and preferred to not visit often.  The other had such a hard time leaving me at the hospital they would cry and kick and at times scream when we had to say good-bye.  I would kiss their hands and let them know that I loved them and was still with them in their hearts.  And I hope they will always know that no matter what happens to me.  This past week my little girl has had a hard time being away from me.  It's almost like a little bit of separation anxiety or like she remembers having to leave me in the hospital and just doesn't want to be without me.  In fact this week she has said a lot, "I just want to be with my Momma."  She often talks about heaven, death and the other day asked if we could all go to heaven at the same time so that she won't be lonely up there.  When I assured her she wouldn't be lonely because she'd get to meet our babies and Jesus she decided she'd first give her siblings a hug, then her Grandpa Mel and then Jesus.  She is known to tell strangers or others about how I used to be able to carry her.  How I used to be taller and stronger and not so tired all time, etc.  My heart aches for my kids and how everything from 2017 has and still affects them.  I am so thankful for Jehovah Shammah and that He's with my kids through every step of there healing through this difficult time. And just as I went to review what I wrote tonight I realized that I started my day reading my devotions and imagining me clinging to Jesus' hand and I ended my night finishing off this craft.  Now off to bed, placing my hand into Jesus' hand and my head on my pillow.