honesty

It's been awhile.  There is so much running in my head and heavy on my heart so I am not sure what to share.  I've been struggling.  Being a mom is not an easy job.  I try my best and feel like I fail daily.  It can be easy to listen to the lies running around in my head about the type of parent that I am and how my kids need someone with more energy, more patience, and more joy.  For the last yr and a bit I felt like all I had energy for was to survive and make it through the day.  In the last month or so I've had a bit more energy and have been able to try to create memories with my kids.  My son often tells me that he sees us as being different now.  The other day he commented that he's noticed I've gained weight but that the rest of me looks so exhausted and that I should go away to a spa for a week....YES PLEASE!!!  He noted the extra grey hair and wrinkles too. Yep I have them.  It's amazing how much a body can age trough trauma.  And yet I felt I needed to tell him that grey hair and wrinkles and exhaustion does not mean the cancer is back...just means I have been through a lot.

We as a family went to the Terry Fox run.  The boys ran 5k and I jogged 2.5 k next to my little girl on her bike.  This is not a long distance and it felt amazing running it.  Crossing that finish line did something in my heart that I can't explain.  In Feb of 2017 I was ready to die.  I didn't think I would ever be well enough to run again.  Crossing the finish line felt like in some strange way a chapter has closed and a new season has begun.  And yet I need to stew on that feeling some more and process what the Lord was trying to tell me in that moment.  We ran as a family for the cause of cancer in our family.  For my Father-in-law as that day we ran the race was on what would have been his birthday.  And we ran for me.  It felt good but the days after were so hard.  Perhaps I was dealing with adrenal fatigue.  Perhaps I pushed myself too much and my body just cried out to stop and rest.  

My little girl started Kindergarten.  Only 2 days a week.  I have a long list of things to do each day but some times not much gets done.  I still need rest times.

People ask me if I am cancer free.  As for as we know, yes.  I have blood work this week and my scan coming up in October.  I wanna believe nothing will show up.  I wanna believe that I can leave cancer behind me.  The reality is we as a family are still healing from and dealing with the trauma we all faced in 2017.  It's been exhausting having to work through it all with my kiddos who express their trauma and healing differently from each other, or from me for that matter.  We are all processing it so differently.  And I finally started seeing a counselor for me.  It's time I finally process myself and deal with all the loss and trauma...in hopes that I will come through that being a better mom than how I see myself to be now.  

I am loving the new Lauren Diagle cd.  So much truth in the lyrics.  I can relate.  I love this song.