Wow, I can't believe this year is almost over! I realize I have been pretty inconsistent with my blog posts. I find I am usually more on FB or IG these days. However many of you read my blog who are not on other social media so I want to promise I'll post more this next yr. I have appreciated each of you who take time to read or check in to see how I, we, are doing. Thank You!
In October I had my CT Scan and it said that there was no evidence of disease. I am awaiting my tumor marker blood work results. I get that done a couple times a year since we know that the scans are not always telling the full story of what's going on or what is not going on inside me.
I continue to be on TPN 3 nights a week. I am sure the doctors wish I was on more nights a week but I really don't want to be. Not having a gripper needle in for part of the week feels so much more freeing than it was when I was on TPN 6 nights a week. We'll see what they say when I see them next week. At my last appointment they told me that they figured I'd be on TPN for awhile because it seems I can't stay at a good weight. I was up to 97 lbs but seem to fluctuate now at 93 or 94 lbs. They realized that going off would mean my body would need to figure out how to absorb those calories I wouldn't be taking in via TPN and well we all know my body has issues with absorption.
In a couple weeks I will be celebrating my 39th birthday. 1 more year and I will be 40. Some how knowing that I am so close to 40 stirs up some emotions. 2.5 yrs ago I didn't think i'd make it to see my 40th birthday. I am so thankful that I am alive and able to see my kids grow up. I am thankful that I get to tuck them in, listen to their hurting hearts and be there to process with them. If I hit the big 40 I think I will need to gather with some close friends and family and celebrate! Next year will be a year of celebrations as my Grandpa turns 100, my Dad turns 70, my uncle 60, my bro in law turns 50 and I turn 40!
A friend sent us a book this week called TEAR SOUP https://www.amazon.ca/Tear-Soup-Recipe-Healing-After/dp/0961519762/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=tear+soup&qid=1575661800&sr=8-1
I highly recommend this book. Our kids continue to process all of the heartache and loss we have experienced. My little girl is easily moved to tears when she learns someone else has cancer or when she expresses her fear that I might die or get sick again. My son doesn't like to talk about our former life before cancer nor the heartache we walked through to get to where we are today. It's just too painful. But this book was such a gift. We cuddled on the couch and read it together. It enabled us to process some of the pain and grief and actually name it. I highly recommend this gift for anyone dealing with grief.
I am really enjoying my studies and I look forward to my meetings with my directees. It's neat to see the Lord meet us in our sessions and I feel like I come alive when I am able to walk alongside others or partake in my classes. I realize this is truly where the Lord wants me right now. It's a place where I am gifted but also it is a season where the Lord is growing and maturing my gifts and passions. He's refining me so I can be a better listener and soul companion for those He brings into my life. I had the privilege of partaking in a mini online summit my friend Joyce put together this weekend. Public speaking, or sharing my story to bigger audiences is something I'd love to grow more in and be more brave at doing.
This Christmas we are working through a devotional book daily focusing on the names of God. I love this time of year. It's when we get to celebrate my birthday and Christmas. It's a time of lots of quality time with my little family playing games, sleeping in the living room and just being together. It's a time to really reflect on the true reason why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. When I look back on 2019 I would say it was actually a really difficult year, full of much uncertainty, confusion, issues that needed to be dealt with, heartache over things happening with my kids, feeling alone, and wondering what purpose I had. I am so thankful for my counselor and spiritual director, and a little group of like-minded women that I met with once a month for prayer. It's important for people to find safe people in their lives that they can really share the depths of what's in one's heart. This is what I long to be for the women that God brings into my life. I long to be that soul companion helping others find freedom and an awareness of God in their lives. Come September, when I started my classes there was a little shift. A friend said they noticed peace and more settledness in me. Even though other circumstances hadn't really changed the Spirit was at work and enabling me to walk in my calling, to sense His purpose for me, and to change my mindset more to one of gratitude and contentment. I look forward to seeing how the Lord continues to refine me and meet me through my studies and how He'll use this in the future to bless others.
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