There have been some thoughts swirling around in my head since my birthday last week. I remember being in high school and thinking someone who was 38 or close to 40 was really OLD! Now I am here and realize in 2 yrs I will be 40 yrs old.
So what I am about to share is me being really honest. Please don't read too much into it though. When I was in Jr. and Sr. high I struggled with some depression along with anorexia, loneliness and other things. I was a pretty morbid thinker in some ways. Often planning my funerals and who I would want to be my pallbearers (which changed based on friendships changing) or what music I wanted played at my funeral. When I was around 17/18 years of age, I remember telling my boyfriend, at the time, that I had this thought in my head that I wasn't going to live past the age of 40. I was really hoping Jesus would return by then. I was yearning for HIS return already back then.
Years have passed and I received healing for the anorexia and the depression. I still feel lonely at times but God has blessed me with some incredible friendships near and far. And I have gotten better at not being so morbid and choosing to think more positively. I really haven't thought much about being 40 until this past week. The night before my 38th birthday the reminder of that conversation years prior flooded my memory. It was like I was plagued with the reality that if that truly was going to happen I now had 2 yrs to fully LIVE. Ofcourse I ask the Lord for another 20 or more. I really want to see my kids get baptized, grow up, get married, have kids, etc. I want to grow old with my husband and see more of the world with my little family.
I have not fully lived life to the fullest this last yr. It has been a very difficult year. My health continued to be a struggle, had many Dr. appointments, sleepless nights, boughts of pain and exhaustion and ended up having to go on TPN (getting nutrition through my port 5 nights of week). There has been little peace in my home, especially in the last 5 months or so. And when the kids would fight with each other or push back at our parenting I had little patience to deal with it in a loving and patient manner. This resulted in my own tone or impatient/anger adding to the already lacking peace in my home. My hubby and I had some differing views on a certain topic and we have had to learn to work through that. I have had some nights where I just wish the Lord would take me so I'd be free of this sickness and pain and where I could spare my family from the burden that I felt I was to them. I have days where I still wonder why we had to move back to Canada. What is life supposed to look like for me now? What good am I like this to those around me. What do I have to offer when I am so broken. Is this why some of my friendships have changed...people don't want to be around me like this? But then I am reminded that for some reason He's keeping me alive. I have to remind myself that I am doing better than I was a year ago. I can only hope that this time Dec of 2019 I will be doing even better. Hopefully by then I will no longer be on TPN and my short gut syndrome will have improved greatly. I have to remind myself that I have 2 precious kids and an amazing husband who still need their mom and wife around. I have to choose gratitude and positivity. I have started to see a counselor that I can cry infront of and be utterly honest with and I have a prayer mentor in my life that I share with from time to time. We also have an amazing counselor for my kiddos and our last session was a family session. It was so good for the 4 of us to work together with her. We are not perfect. I won't ever claim to be. I need Jesus cause without him I don't know where I'd be. I am working on MINDSET. It's something I am trying to teach my kids and something I have had to work on as well for myself. And on January 25th I am looking forward to attending a SET FREE conference as I know there are a number of areas in my life that I need to find freedom and healing in.
So, No I don't think I will die in 2 yrs. But those thoughts have floated in my head and it has made me look at life and my family differently these past 2 weeks. I have chosen to really make family time special even when all I wanted to do was be alone and lie in bed. Even when I did not feel well I made sure we went sled shopping on my B-day so we could enjoy that evening sledding together the 4 of us. I have forced myself to "have it together" in a sense around my kids as best as I can knowing that my little girl still has a hard time with me needing nurses to come into my home weekly and monthly to give me needles and help with TPN stuff. I have recognized the different character issues/areas in my life that I need to work on as well. Truly humbling and now I pray for the energy to do the hard work at learning how to manage my stress levels and allowing the Lord to refine my character to be more of his likeness.
This past week has been pretty wonderful. No commitments, no gatherings, just the 4 of us and it's been good for us to have quality time together with much more peace in our home. It's been a breath of much needed fresh air. That said, I am little worried how it will go once my hubby is back to work full time and school and after school activities start up again (not that my kids have too much going on in the week).
My little girl though can be found at time to time with her head hung low or curled in a corner and saying she misses her grandpa who died before she turned 1. I think it's her way of expressing all the grief she feels over missing our friends and life overseas, her grandpa and as she puts it "him not being able to see her grow up" and her struggling to see me still needing my needles and port. So I long to bring normalcy for her.
I am someone who feels stressed with a messy/cluttered home. I am working at de-cluttering and wanting to take more steps in the New Year to be of a more minamilistic mindset. To be honest I would far rather travel or create memories with my kids than to have stuff. I am also realizing that I need to let go of my expectations and just BE.
And this past weekend as I asked the Lord what word He wants for me in 2019 I found myself on my knees as tears rolled down my cheeks. I have been hearing the word "light" for weeks now. A desire to be a light to my kids and have the light of Jesus flow out of me to them and thus to others. To know He is my light in the darkness and to bring the light/love of Jesus to those walking in darkness. But then I listened to a talk online from the IHOP OneThing2018 weekend. Someone shared the verse from Isaiah 62:4-5. This person said, "Hephzibah the Lord delights in you!" He challenged us to insert our name. To soak in the knowledge that God delights in us as we are...no matter what we have or have not done. I sat on my knees soaking in the knowledge that He delights in me.
So my word for 2019...DELIGHT. And light is in that word. I want to delight myself in The presence of Jesus. I sat in the red chair in the corner of the living room before the rest woke up today journaling, reflecting and sitting with Jesus. This I want to do more of. I am So so hungry for more of Jesus and less of me. I just get in the way afterall. I am so craving the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, family, church and community. I also want to delight more in the knowledge that He Delights In Me! Zephaniah 3:17.
And then I want to delight more in my kids and hubby. To stop the tasks I am doing and delight more in what it is they want to show me or tell me. To be a more present mom. Here's to 2019.
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