Wow, I can't believe this year is almost over! I realize I have been pretty inconsistent with my blog posts. I find I am usually more on FB or IG these days. However many of you read my blog who are not on other social media so I want to promise I'll post more this next yr. I have appreciated each of you who take time to read or check in to see how I, we, are doing. Thank You!
In October I had my CT Scan and it said that there was no evidence of disease. I am awaiting my tumor marker blood work results. I get that done a couple times a year since we know that the scans are not always telling the full story of what's going on or what is not going on inside me.
I continue to be on TPN 3 nights a week. I am sure the doctors wish I was on more nights a week but I really don't want to be. Not having a gripper needle in for part of the week feels so much more freeing than it was when I was on TPN 6 nights a week. We'll see what they say when I see them next week. At my last appointment they told me that they figured I'd be on TPN for awhile because it seems I can't stay at a good weight. I was up to 97 lbs but seem to fluctuate now at 93 or 94 lbs. They realized that going off would mean my body would need to figure out how to absorb those calories I wouldn't be taking in via TPN and well we all know my body has issues with absorption.
In a couple weeks I will be celebrating my 39th birthday. 1 more year and I will be 40. Some how knowing that I am so close to 40 stirs up some emotions. 2.5 yrs ago I didn't think i'd make it to see my 40th birthday. I am so thankful that I am alive and able to see my kids grow up. I am thankful that I get to tuck them in, listen to their hurting hearts and be there to process with them. If I hit the big 40 I think I will need to gather with some close friends and family and celebrate! Next year will be a year of celebrations as my Grandpa turns 100, my Dad turns 70, my uncle 60, my bro in law turns 50 and I turn 40!
A friend sent us a book this week called TEAR SOUP https://www.amazon.ca/Tear-Soup-Recipe-Healing-After/dp/0961519762/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=tear+soup&qid=1575661800&sr=8-1
I highly recommend this book. Our kids continue to process all of the heartache and loss we have experienced. My little girl is easily moved to tears when she learns someone else has cancer or when she expresses her fear that I might die or get sick again. My son doesn't like to talk about our former life before cancer nor the heartache we walked through to get to where we are today. It's just too painful. But this book was such a gift. We cuddled on the couch and read it together. It enabled us to process some of the pain and grief and actually name it. I highly recommend this gift for anyone dealing with grief.
I am really enjoying my studies and I look forward to my meetings with my directees. It's neat to see the Lord meet us in our sessions and I feel like I come alive when I am able to walk alongside others or partake in my classes. I realize this is truly where the Lord wants me right now. It's a place where I am gifted but also it is a season where the Lord is growing and maturing my gifts and passions. He's refining me so I can be a better listener and soul companion for those He brings into my life. I had the privilege of partaking in a mini online summit my friend Joyce put together this weekend. Public speaking, or sharing my story to bigger audiences is something I'd love to grow more in and be more brave at doing.
This Christmas we are working through a devotional book daily focusing on the names of God. I love this time of year. It's when we get to celebrate my birthday and Christmas. It's a time of lots of quality time with my little family playing games, sleeping in the living room and just being together. It's a time to really reflect on the true reason why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. When I look back on 2019 I would say it was actually a really difficult year, full of much uncertainty, confusion, issues that needed to be dealt with, heartache over things happening with my kids, feeling alone, and wondering what purpose I had. I am so thankful for my counselor and spiritual director, and a little group of like-minded women that I met with once a month for prayer. It's important for people to find safe people in their lives that they can really share the depths of what's in one's heart. This is what I long to be for the women that God brings into my life. I long to be that soul companion helping others find freedom and an awareness of God in their lives. Come September, when I started my classes there was a little shift. A friend said they noticed peace and more settledness in me. Even though other circumstances hadn't really changed the Spirit was at work and enabling me to walk in my calling, to sense His purpose for me, and to change my mindset more to one of gratitude and contentment. I look forward to seeing how the Lord continues to refine me and meet me through my studies and how He'll use this in the future to bless others.
Friday, 6 December 2019
Thursday, 3 October 2019
Midwife to the Soul
Some times we receive prophetic words and they are not meant for the time they are given to us. And yes we need to pray about all prophetic words that we hear and test them to make sure they line up with scripture and with God's truth. Some times we are given a word and we forget about it for while until something reminds us about it. Some times it's years later that those words are meant for. Some times we go through a tough season after getting a word and we need to cling to the word that was given to us trusting that God had spoken.
Years ago, in summer of 2015 I was sharing in a church about my heart for the women back in the country we were working in. I shared some of the stories from some of my local friends who were abused by husbands or other family members. My heart broke for those women and I wanted people back here in Canada to pray for them.
After sharing a couple came up to talk to us. We knew the husband from back in 2004 when we met during our first year of marriage on the TREK program. This was the first time I had met his wife though. We talked about our shared passion for counseling and for those who are broken. She said she had a word for me, "Midwife to the Soul." I stewed on this for awhile after. I had prayed and hoped I'd be able to be part of seeing many spiritual births, people surrendering their lives to Jesus.
To be honest life went on and then I got sick and we moved back here and I have felt stuck. I felt like I was just coasting through life trying my best to look and act like a healthy mom so my kids didn't have to worry. Spending much time trying to help my kids adjust to life in Canada which has not been easy (and my heart has been broken many times over as I have seen my kids struggle to feel accepted by peers or to feel at home here) and trying to do what I can to gain strength and health. I was a "sick" mom who worried my cancer would return. But something shifted in me this summer as I watched my monarch caterpillars become butterflies. New life/hope was birthed into my soul. I felt led to take steps towards my dream of becoming a Spiritual Director. Over the years I realized that counseling wasn't really what I wanted because my passion was to help people grow in their relationship with Jesus. I wanted to walk with those who found themselves jaded in their faith due to hard seasons they were in. I wanted to help people solidify their faith and grow in their prayer lives. So I used to tell people I either wanted to eventually become a Counselor or a Spiritual Director.
I signed up for a 2 yrs course to become a Spiritual Director in August. A lot of the home work can be done from home which is perfect for me. I will have 5 weekend classes in the city each year. I start my first weekend class in the city this weekend. I am really looking forward to it and am praying I'll be awake and alert and my short gut issues will not be bad during this time because I want to get all I can out of what I am being taught. Finally my gifts and my passions will be able to be used.
Well we had to read 2 books so far. This past week I found this quote in one of my books entitled "Candlelight" by Susan S. Philips, “Several metaphors have been used to describe spiritual direction, and an especially robust one is that of midwifery. Spiritual directors are present striving to be helpful, as new life stirs in another. We have been trained to know some of the stages, potential complications, and appropriate emergency procedures, but each birth is a miracle to which we bear witness. We come alongside the person who is laboring, taking risks, and putting a former life on the line for the promise of a new one.”
I was just packing my bag as I am going to stay in the city for the nights seeing as I have 2 full days of classes. I picked up my next book that I am supposed to read and quickly flipped through it. My eyes caught a title so I looked again and sure enough there the words were as a chapter title: MIDWIFE TO THE SOUL. It caught my breathe. I started to cry, joy filled tears. It was another little confirmation that I am on the right path and this is the direction the Lord has for me in this season of my life. I look forward to journeying with Him and those He brings into my path for me to walk alongside of. Today those 4 words have filled my heart with joy and peace. God's up to something in me and I'm keeping my eyes open and am ready to join Him in whatever that looks like.
Years ago, in summer of 2015 I was sharing in a church about my heart for the women back in the country we were working in. I shared some of the stories from some of my local friends who were abused by husbands or other family members. My heart broke for those women and I wanted people back here in Canada to pray for them.
After sharing a couple came up to talk to us. We knew the husband from back in 2004 when we met during our first year of marriage on the TREK program. This was the first time I had met his wife though. We talked about our shared passion for counseling and for those who are broken. She said she had a word for me, "Midwife to the Soul." I stewed on this for awhile after. I had prayed and hoped I'd be able to be part of seeing many spiritual births, people surrendering their lives to Jesus.
To be honest life went on and then I got sick and we moved back here and I have felt stuck. I felt like I was just coasting through life trying my best to look and act like a healthy mom so my kids didn't have to worry. Spending much time trying to help my kids adjust to life in Canada which has not been easy (and my heart has been broken many times over as I have seen my kids struggle to feel accepted by peers or to feel at home here) and trying to do what I can to gain strength and health. I was a "sick" mom who worried my cancer would return. But something shifted in me this summer as I watched my monarch caterpillars become butterflies. New life/hope was birthed into my soul. I felt led to take steps towards my dream of becoming a Spiritual Director. Over the years I realized that counseling wasn't really what I wanted because my passion was to help people grow in their relationship with Jesus. I wanted to walk with those who found themselves jaded in their faith due to hard seasons they were in. I wanted to help people solidify their faith and grow in their prayer lives. So I used to tell people I either wanted to eventually become a Counselor or a Spiritual Director.
I signed up for a 2 yrs course to become a Spiritual Director in August. A lot of the home work can be done from home which is perfect for me. I will have 5 weekend classes in the city each year. I start my first weekend class in the city this weekend. I am really looking forward to it and am praying I'll be awake and alert and my short gut issues will not be bad during this time because I want to get all I can out of what I am being taught. Finally my gifts and my passions will be able to be used.
Well we had to read 2 books so far. This past week I found this quote in one of my books entitled "Candlelight" by Susan S. Philips, “Several metaphors have been used to describe spiritual direction, and an especially robust one is that of midwifery. Spiritual directors are present striving to be helpful, as new life stirs in another. We have been trained to know some of the stages, potential complications, and appropriate emergency procedures, but each birth is a miracle to which we bear witness. We come alongside the person who is laboring, taking risks, and putting a former life on the line for the promise of a new one.”
I was just packing my bag as I am going to stay in the city for the nights seeing as I have 2 full days of classes. I picked up my next book that I am supposed to read and quickly flipped through it. My eyes caught a title so I looked again and sure enough there the words were as a chapter title: MIDWIFE TO THE SOUL. It caught my breathe. I started to cry, joy filled tears. It was another little confirmation that I am on the right path and this is the direction the Lord has for me in this season of my life. I look forward to journeying with Him and those He brings into my path for me to walk alongside of. Today those 4 words have filled my heart with joy and peace. God's up to something in me and I'm keeping my eyes open and am ready to join Him in whatever that looks like.
Thursday, 29 August 2019
Back to School
Wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote on my blog. A quick update is that I have continued to sit at around 95 to 96 lbs since January. I hook up to TPN 3 nights a week. I have wrestled with anxiety in more ways these past 2 and a half yrs than I have before I got sick. My hubby asked me the other day how much the whole TPN thing adds to my anxiety. I think it does add to it some what. I was able to have 2 weeks off this summer so we could go on a vacation up north to see my family and a vacation to Wisconsin Dells which was wonderful. I would go back to Wisconsin in a heart beat. It was so beautiful and we met so many people from Turkey there which felt like a little piece of home brought to us. Anyways, I see my TPN Dr. at the end of September and I am considering asking them to allow me to have a month off of TPN and see how I fair. I have a CT scan coming up in October. I have a hernia or two on my left side above my belly button. I'm told no surgeon will want to see me about it or try anything at this point for fear they'd make things worse or there would be complications due to all my scar tissue. So at this point unless it gets worse I need to be careful with heavy lifting, etc.
Next week my little girl starts school full time. I'll have 1 kid in elementary school and one in Jr. High. It's crazy. My youngest was in tears today. Her grandma, who was the school librarian, retired and so K is sad. She won't have grandma there to check on her and she's sad she won't have her Kindergarten teacher either, who apparently was always available to give hugs when K was sad. Transitions and change are hard! But I'm sure once she gets settled in she'll do just fine as she's social and will be excited to be with her friends.
With both my kids being in school full time I knew I wanted to do something for myself this fall. I daily live with chronic pain and know my capacity isn't what it used to be but I wanted to focus on something that would help me look forward instead of looking daily at my limitations, would help me use my gifts, and also eventually help my family with some extra income so we could save up what we need to eventually get back to Turkey to say goodbye to our friends there and get the proper closure we didn't get when we left 2 yrs ago.
When I was pregnant with Isaiah I took a couple of seminary classes towards my Masters in Counseling. I went back to that seminary this summer to ask if those classes would still be able to count for my Masters and what it would look like to start focusing on finishing that degree. After a campus tour and visit I felt that I wasn't ready to jump in head first. I will admit my brain has SLOWED DOWN big time from all me meds, lack of sleep, trauma, etc. I just didn't think I'd be ready to pump out 20 page papers any time soon.
My first of 4 ER trip visits before I was diagnosed with Cancer was around the time I took at 3 day LIFE COACHING training in November of 2016. I wanted to finish that and do a 5 day course that was being offered in Seattle. But by the time I went to apply I was told the course was full and I was put on the wait list.
All the while, I had monarch caterpillars in glass jars in my house. I would often be found alone, watching them eat, form a J, looking at the chrysalis and waiting for the butterflies to emerge. In this time I would pray, sit and listen for the Lord's gentle voice and leading in my life. I felt like he had something new for me. It was a beautiful experience to watch 4 of them emerge within 20 mins on a Sunday morning. It was time for new beginnings.
A friend I had met during our DEBRIEF when we returned 2 yrs ago mentioned that she was going to do a SPIRITUAL DIRECTION course in the city. This totally peeked my interested because for years I would tell people I wanted to eventually pursue my education to be a counselor or a spiritual director. I knew that in whatever profession I chose I wanted my faith to be evident and my relationship with Jesus to be something I didn't need to shy away from. Isaiah 61 is my heart. I have a heart for women and long to see them find freedom in their lives. I long be there to help walk alongside the brokenhearted and to be a comfort to those in mourning. I applied for the course and when I had my phone interview the man interviewing me asked me what my experience was with spiritual direction. I was able to say that I first experienced it right after my first miscarriage. Through infertility, loss and sickness over the years spiritual direction has helped me seek out Jesus when part of me felt so jaded and alone. I believe much healing occurred in my heart through Spiritual Direction. The man interviewing me said he was excited to see where the Lord would take me with this because he said he knows from experience that seasons of loss or infertility or sickness are a time when people wonder what Jesus is up to in their lives.
When I have told a couple of friends about this they have said things like, "That's so you!" I got my final acceptance today and I am excited to learn and grow in my own walk with Jesus as well as be there to walk alongside others.
I only need to do 5 weeks in the city in 9 months and the rest I get to do at home so I am happy about that. The papers won't be as academic as seminary would be. For now I will do the first yr and after that consider taking the 2nd yr or look into my counseling certificate. I don't need to stress about the future, I'll take it one day at a time but for now I'm just excited to be able to have space and time to really pour into my giftings, my relationship with Jesus, and to continue to allow Him to work in my heart in areas I need freedom and healing from. If you think of it please pray for continued healing for all of us from all we've been through, for adjustments for us as I start school and my kiddos transition in school as well.
Next week my little girl starts school full time. I'll have 1 kid in elementary school and one in Jr. High. It's crazy. My youngest was in tears today. Her grandma, who was the school librarian, retired and so K is sad. She won't have grandma there to check on her and she's sad she won't have her Kindergarten teacher either, who apparently was always available to give hugs when K was sad. Transitions and change are hard! But I'm sure once she gets settled in she'll do just fine as she's social and will be excited to be with her friends.
With both my kids being in school full time I knew I wanted to do something for myself this fall. I daily live with chronic pain and know my capacity isn't what it used to be but I wanted to focus on something that would help me look forward instead of looking daily at my limitations, would help me use my gifts, and also eventually help my family with some extra income so we could save up what we need to eventually get back to Turkey to say goodbye to our friends there and get the proper closure we didn't get when we left 2 yrs ago.
When I was pregnant with Isaiah I took a couple of seminary classes towards my Masters in Counseling. I went back to that seminary this summer to ask if those classes would still be able to count for my Masters and what it would look like to start focusing on finishing that degree. After a campus tour and visit I felt that I wasn't ready to jump in head first. I will admit my brain has SLOWED DOWN big time from all me meds, lack of sleep, trauma, etc. I just didn't think I'd be ready to pump out 20 page papers any time soon.
My first of 4 ER trip visits before I was diagnosed with Cancer was around the time I took at 3 day LIFE COACHING training in November of 2016. I wanted to finish that and do a 5 day course that was being offered in Seattle. But by the time I went to apply I was told the course was full and I was put on the wait list.
All the while, I had monarch caterpillars in glass jars in my house. I would often be found alone, watching them eat, form a J, looking at the chrysalis and waiting for the butterflies to emerge. In this time I would pray, sit and listen for the Lord's gentle voice and leading in my life. I felt like he had something new for me. It was a beautiful experience to watch 4 of them emerge within 20 mins on a Sunday morning. It was time for new beginnings.
A friend I had met during our DEBRIEF when we returned 2 yrs ago mentioned that she was going to do a SPIRITUAL DIRECTION course in the city. This totally peeked my interested because for years I would tell people I wanted to eventually pursue my education to be a counselor or a spiritual director. I knew that in whatever profession I chose I wanted my faith to be evident and my relationship with Jesus to be something I didn't need to shy away from. Isaiah 61 is my heart. I have a heart for women and long to see them find freedom in their lives. I long be there to help walk alongside the brokenhearted and to be a comfort to those in mourning. I applied for the course and when I had my phone interview the man interviewing me asked me what my experience was with spiritual direction. I was able to say that I first experienced it right after my first miscarriage. Through infertility, loss and sickness over the years spiritual direction has helped me seek out Jesus when part of me felt so jaded and alone. I believe much healing occurred in my heart through Spiritual Direction. The man interviewing me said he was excited to see where the Lord would take me with this because he said he knows from experience that seasons of loss or infertility or sickness are a time when people wonder what Jesus is up to in their lives.
When I have told a couple of friends about this they have said things like, "That's so you!" I got my final acceptance today and I am excited to learn and grow in my own walk with Jesus as well as be there to walk alongside others.
I only need to do 5 weeks in the city in 9 months and the rest I get to do at home so I am happy about that. The papers won't be as academic as seminary would be. For now I will do the first yr and after that consider taking the 2nd yr or look into my counseling certificate. I don't need to stress about the future, I'll take it one day at a time but for now I'm just excited to be able to have space and time to really pour into my giftings, my relationship with Jesus, and to continue to allow Him to work in my heart in areas I need freedom and healing from. If you think of it please pray for continued healing for all of us from all we've been through, for adjustments for us as I start school and my kiddos transition in school as well.
Wednesday, 9 January 2019
Health Update
Yesterday was a full and long day. Thankfully I managed to be able to have 3 appointments in one day. This saves on the number of times I need to go into the city but just made the day tiring.
First up was my surgeon. I had my 4 surgeries done in 2017 overseas but when we moved back last summer I was assigned a surgeon here that I see once a yr in case the cancer were to come back and we'd need to consider surgery again.
This Dr. is young. My husband thinks he has the best bedside manner of any Dr. we've seen. And I have seen A LOT over the years. Usually I have to wait an hour or more to see him past my appointment time, but once I do see him he is so patient and willing to answer any questions that I have.
I have been in pain for over 6 weeks now. Maybe more like 8 weeks and the pain has seemed to have gotten worse since the holidays. Now yes, over the holidays I ate more freely, and foods that I knew might hurt me but I wanted to enjoy food too. However it's not all because of something I ate. I just know there are nights I am up many times to use the washroom and many times I crawl back into bed, hug a pillow and wimper in pain. There are days it's so bad I am in tears. But most people can't see that. They just see that I look healthier. And when I look at a picture my daughter has in her room and compare it till now I can see that difference too. It's amazing how going from 80 lbs to 94 lbs makes a huge difference. A lot of that weight gain has been hydration but I have also put on weight all thanks to TPN.
January 19th marks 2 years since my appendix was removed and the 26th marks 2 years since I was told I had Goblet Cell Adenocarcinoma. So after 4 surgeries total I have been told I am NED (there is no evidence of disease on scans and on bloodwork). The surgeon told me yesterday that it's an aggressive cancer so if it were to come back it is highly likely to come back in the first 2 yrs. So this means that I might have a better chance of a longer survival because it hasn't shown up in the last 2 years. He informed me I will still need to be followed up on for years yet to come. So this is the good news. But what about all my pain. Perhaps the HIPEC (hot chemo) did damage to my intestines. Perhaps the scar tissue is causing issues. Perhaps my nerves in my intestines that are left have been damaged. Whatever the case there isn't much we can do. And if the cancer did come back he's not even sure he could do a second HIPEC on me. I am on many many different meds and supplements. Some days I don't get around to taking them all cause I keep forgetting what and when to take them and need to make sure I time everything out right too. I see my pain doctor next week so will see what he says. I have a scan in spring to see if anything shows up on there. I asked him if he has seen anyone with as bad of a short bowel syndrome as I have and he said no. Guess I am special.
Notice how tired and boney my face looked in the picture below. That was a week before we moved back to Canada summer of 2017.
First up was my surgeon. I had my 4 surgeries done in 2017 overseas but when we moved back last summer I was assigned a surgeon here that I see once a yr in case the cancer were to come back and we'd need to consider surgery again.
This Dr. is young. My husband thinks he has the best bedside manner of any Dr. we've seen. And I have seen A LOT over the years. Usually I have to wait an hour or more to see him past my appointment time, but once I do see him he is so patient and willing to answer any questions that I have.
I have been in pain for over 6 weeks now. Maybe more like 8 weeks and the pain has seemed to have gotten worse since the holidays. Now yes, over the holidays I ate more freely, and foods that I knew might hurt me but I wanted to enjoy food too. However it's not all because of something I ate. I just know there are nights I am up many times to use the washroom and many times I crawl back into bed, hug a pillow and wimper in pain. There are days it's so bad I am in tears. But most people can't see that. They just see that I look healthier. And when I look at a picture my daughter has in her room and compare it till now I can see that difference too. It's amazing how going from 80 lbs to 94 lbs makes a huge difference. A lot of that weight gain has been hydration but I have also put on weight all thanks to TPN.
January 19th marks 2 years since my appendix was removed and the 26th marks 2 years since I was told I had Goblet Cell Adenocarcinoma. So after 4 surgeries total I have been told I am NED (there is no evidence of disease on scans and on bloodwork). The surgeon told me yesterday that it's an aggressive cancer so if it were to come back it is highly likely to come back in the first 2 yrs. So this means that I might have a better chance of a longer survival because it hasn't shown up in the last 2 years. He informed me I will still need to be followed up on for years yet to come. So this is the good news. But what about all my pain. Perhaps the HIPEC (hot chemo) did damage to my intestines. Perhaps the scar tissue is causing issues. Perhaps my nerves in my intestines that are left have been damaged. Whatever the case there isn't much we can do. And if the cancer did come back he's not even sure he could do a second HIPEC on me. I am on many many different meds and supplements. Some days I don't get around to taking them all cause I keep forgetting what and when to take them and need to make sure I time everything out right too. I see my pain doctor next week so will see what he says. I have a scan in spring to see if anything shows up on there. I asked him if he has seen anyone with as bad of a short bowel syndrome as I have and he said no. Guess I am special.
Growing up my Dad always would say, "God loves you and you're special." When I met with the surgeon I was fighting back tears in our meeting. I had asked about getting a bag (ileostomy type thing). I have been considering this and have been praying about if for the last 2 months. However, he informed me that it wouldn't be a good idea. He actually said it could be dangerous for me. That I would become more dehydrated. That in the process of the surgery I would lose even more bowel of the little I already have. He worried about too much scar tissue and causing some fistulas inside my body from the surgery. So I was discouraged and wondered if I would ever experience a day without the pain, discomfort and countless bathroom trips.
Next we talked about my stress levels (over my health, family issues, and other things) and how that might be contributing to some of the pain. I have been reading a lot about the whole gut/brain connection so I was kinda happy when the doctor assistant brought that up. Anyways, due to finances I have not regularly gone to see my counselor. They are looking into setting me up with someone through cancer care or seeing if I can get my counselor sessions free. As I was leaving the surgeon's nurse came in. She told me she was there any time I wanted to talk. Then she said, "I know it's hard. You used to "work overseas" right?" I guess she remembered from before. When I said yes, the tears came again. I used to do that and now I struggle to know what to do with my life now. She told me she was praying for me. Right there in the office...Yes I was reminded I am special. That God does love me and I even have health care professionals praying for me. I am incredibly thankful for the caring medical team God has placed around me. This is NOT an easy journey but I am also NOT alone!
I am feeling that this year I really need to press into my alone times with Jesus, to reading the Word and to arm myself with His truths. I don't know how long I have to live so I need to not live life worrying about being politically correct and worrying about offending someone because of my beliefs and love for Jesus, or keeping up with what's all the latest and greatest things in the world. Instead I need to make sure I sit and soak in HIS presence. It can be stressful for me to have too much on the go so I am realizing all the more that out of my times with Jesus, He will fill me up and I can pour out from that place. It's time with HIM that is the first step to working on my stress and health issues.
The next doctor I saw was my gynecologist. I see her once a year. She is really sweet. I am not pumped at all to be on hormone replacements but she reminded me again of the risks of having a hysterectomy at my age. Due to how thin and small I am, to the fact that I am on TPN and struggle to absorb my nutrients properly, I am at more of a chance to get a heart attack or a stroke over getting breast cancer. She reminded me again of the importance of daily taking my calcium and Vit. D. Those things I tend to forget about because I'm too busy taking my other meds. She also wants me to do more strength training. This is a year to get healthier emotionally and physically I hope.
My last appointment was seeing my GI specialist. We talked about how I have gained 10 lbs since I started TPN in June. Due to my gut pain and issues starting next week they will increase the nutrients and calories in my TPN bags for a week. This means I don't have to eat. They are hoping this gives my gut a break and my intestines a rest. I will need to eat a little here and there to keep my reactive hypoglycemia at bay. This is a trial and I will also do this 6 nights and only get 1 night off instead of the 2 nights off that I have been enjoying. Right now the bare minimum they want me to get to is 97 lbs. That's only 3 lbs away. The GI doctor noted that my IRON levels have been dropping over the last 4 visits going from a low 20 down to 12. This could be the reason for my exhaustion, tummy pain, etc. I will be going next week for an IRON iv infusion which will take a couple of hours. And my GI Dr. did say he's seen worse cases of short gut than might so I guess that's a positive thing to know it could always be worse. My TPN nurse also asked me to get used to inserting my own gripper. Right now I have two nurse friends that come and take turns doing it once a week because I can't stand the thought of putting this needle into my tiny port and hoping I get it into the right spot. I used to be so afraid of needles as a kid I'd go to the health nurse to get them rather than at school. I would cry my eyes out in fear of needles. So it will be another step in having to do this to myself. This gripper needle is in my 5 to 6 days a week. I was hoping to get off TPN soon but the doctor said, NOT IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
So that was my day yesterday. I am thankful my hubby took the day off of work to drive me to my appointments and chat with the doctors together with me. I am thankful for all of you who pray for me regularly. I have been listening to this song lately and soaking on the words.
Tuesday, 1 January 2019
38 and end of 2018
There have been some thoughts swirling around in my head since my birthday last week. I remember being in high school and thinking someone who was 38 or close to 40 was really OLD! Now I am here and realize in 2 yrs I will be 40 yrs old.
So what I am about to share is me being really honest. Please don't read too much into it though. When I was in Jr. and Sr. high I struggled with some depression along with anorexia, loneliness and other things. I was a pretty morbid thinker in some ways. Often planning my funerals and who I would want to be my pallbearers (which changed based on friendships changing) or what music I wanted played at my funeral. When I was around 17/18 years of age, I remember telling my boyfriend, at the time, that I had this thought in my head that I wasn't going to live past the age of 40. I was really hoping Jesus would return by then. I was yearning for HIS return already back then.
Years have passed and I received healing for the anorexia and the depression. I still feel lonely at times but God has blessed me with some incredible friendships near and far. And I have gotten better at not being so morbid and choosing to think more positively. I really haven't thought much about being 40 until this past week. The night before my 38th birthday the reminder of that conversation years prior flooded my memory. It was like I was plagued with the reality that if that truly was going to happen I now had 2 yrs to fully LIVE. Ofcourse I ask the Lord for another 20 or more. I really want to see my kids get baptized, grow up, get married, have kids, etc. I want to grow old with my husband and see more of the world with my little family.
I have not fully lived life to the fullest this last yr. It has been a very difficult year. My health continued to be a struggle, had many Dr. appointments, sleepless nights, boughts of pain and exhaustion and ended up having to go on TPN (getting nutrition through my port 5 nights of week). There has been little peace in my home, especially in the last 5 months or so. And when the kids would fight with each other or push back at our parenting I had little patience to deal with it in a loving and patient manner. This resulted in my own tone or impatient/anger adding to the already lacking peace in my home. My hubby and I had some differing views on a certain topic and we have had to learn to work through that. I have had some nights where I just wish the Lord would take me so I'd be free of this sickness and pain and where I could spare my family from the burden that I felt I was to them. I have days where I still wonder why we had to move back to Canada. What is life supposed to look like for me now? What good am I like this to those around me. What do I have to offer when I am so broken. Is this why some of my friendships have changed...people don't want to be around me like this? But then I am reminded that for some reason He's keeping me alive. I have to remind myself that I am doing better than I was a year ago. I can only hope that this time Dec of 2019 I will be doing even better. Hopefully by then I will no longer be on TPN and my short gut syndrome will have improved greatly. I have to remind myself that I have 2 precious kids and an amazing husband who still need their mom and wife around. I have to choose gratitude and positivity. I have started to see a counselor that I can cry infront of and be utterly honest with and I have a prayer mentor in my life that I share with from time to time. We also have an amazing counselor for my kiddos and our last session was a family session. It was so good for the 4 of us to work together with her. We are not perfect. I won't ever claim to be. I need Jesus cause without him I don't know where I'd be. I am working on MINDSET. It's something I am trying to teach my kids and something I have had to work on as well for myself. And on January 25th I am looking forward to attending a SET FREE conference as I know there are a number of areas in my life that I need to find freedom and healing in.
So, No I don't think I will die in 2 yrs. But those thoughts have floated in my head and it has made me look at life and my family differently these past 2 weeks. I have chosen to really make family time special even when all I wanted to do was be alone and lie in bed. Even when I did not feel well I made sure we went sled shopping on my B-day so we could enjoy that evening sledding together the 4 of us. I have forced myself to "have it together" in a sense around my kids as best as I can knowing that my little girl still has a hard time with me needing nurses to come into my home weekly and monthly to give me needles and help with TPN stuff. I have recognized the different character issues/areas in my life that I need to work on as well. Truly humbling and now I pray for the energy to do the hard work at learning how to manage my stress levels and allowing the Lord to refine my character to be more of his likeness.
This past week has been pretty wonderful. No commitments, no gatherings, just the 4 of us and it's been good for us to have quality time together with much more peace in our home. It's been a breath of much needed fresh air. That said, I am little worried how it will go once my hubby is back to work full time and school and after school activities start up again (not that my kids have too much going on in the week).
My little girl though can be found at time to time with her head hung low or curled in a corner and saying she misses her grandpa who died before she turned 1. I think it's her way of expressing all the grief she feels over missing our friends and life overseas, her grandpa and as she puts it "him not being able to see her grow up" and her struggling to see me still needing my needles and port. So I long to bring normalcy for her.
I am someone who feels stressed with a messy/cluttered home. I am working at de-cluttering and wanting to take more steps in the New Year to be of a more minamilistic mindset. To be honest I would far rather travel or create memories with my kids than to have stuff. I am also realizing that I need to let go of my expectations and just BE.
And this past weekend as I asked the Lord what word He wants for me in 2019 I found myself on my knees as tears rolled down my cheeks. I have been hearing the word "light" for weeks now. A desire to be a light to my kids and have the light of Jesus flow out of me to them and thus to others. To know He is my light in the darkness and to bring the light/love of Jesus to those walking in darkness. But then I listened to a talk online from the IHOP OneThing2018 weekend. Someone shared the verse from Isaiah 62:4-5. This person said, "Hephzibah the Lord delights in you!" He challenged us to insert our name. To soak in the knowledge that God delights in us as we are...no matter what we have or have not done. I sat on my knees soaking in the knowledge that He delights in me.
So my word for 2019...DELIGHT. And light is in that word. I want to delight myself in The presence of Jesus. I sat in the red chair in the corner of the living room before the rest woke up today journaling, reflecting and sitting with Jesus. This I want to do more of. I am So so hungry for more of Jesus and less of me. I just get in the way afterall. I am so craving the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, family, church and community. I also want to delight more in the knowledge that He Delights In Me! Zephaniah 3:17.
And then I want to delight more in my kids and hubby. To stop the tasks I am doing and delight more in what it is they want to show me or tell me. To be a more present mom. Here's to 2019.
So what I am about to share is me being really honest. Please don't read too much into it though. When I was in Jr. and Sr. high I struggled with some depression along with anorexia, loneliness and other things. I was a pretty morbid thinker in some ways. Often planning my funerals and who I would want to be my pallbearers (which changed based on friendships changing) or what music I wanted played at my funeral. When I was around 17/18 years of age, I remember telling my boyfriend, at the time, that I had this thought in my head that I wasn't going to live past the age of 40. I was really hoping Jesus would return by then. I was yearning for HIS return already back then.
Years have passed and I received healing for the anorexia and the depression. I still feel lonely at times but God has blessed me with some incredible friendships near and far. And I have gotten better at not being so morbid and choosing to think more positively. I really haven't thought much about being 40 until this past week. The night before my 38th birthday the reminder of that conversation years prior flooded my memory. It was like I was plagued with the reality that if that truly was going to happen I now had 2 yrs to fully LIVE. Ofcourse I ask the Lord for another 20 or more. I really want to see my kids get baptized, grow up, get married, have kids, etc. I want to grow old with my husband and see more of the world with my little family.
I have not fully lived life to the fullest this last yr. It has been a very difficult year. My health continued to be a struggle, had many Dr. appointments, sleepless nights, boughts of pain and exhaustion and ended up having to go on TPN (getting nutrition through my port 5 nights of week). There has been little peace in my home, especially in the last 5 months or so. And when the kids would fight with each other or push back at our parenting I had little patience to deal with it in a loving and patient manner. This resulted in my own tone or impatient/anger adding to the already lacking peace in my home. My hubby and I had some differing views on a certain topic and we have had to learn to work through that. I have had some nights where I just wish the Lord would take me so I'd be free of this sickness and pain and where I could spare my family from the burden that I felt I was to them. I have days where I still wonder why we had to move back to Canada. What is life supposed to look like for me now? What good am I like this to those around me. What do I have to offer when I am so broken. Is this why some of my friendships have changed...people don't want to be around me like this? But then I am reminded that for some reason He's keeping me alive. I have to remind myself that I am doing better than I was a year ago. I can only hope that this time Dec of 2019 I will be doing even better. Hopefully by then I will no longer be on TPN and my short gut syndrome will have improved greatly. I have to remind myself that I have 2 precious kids and an amazing husband who still need their mom and wife around. I have to choose gratitude and positivity. I have started to see a counselor that I can cry infront of and be utterly honest with and I have a prayer mentor in my life that I share with from time to time. We also have an amazing counselor for my kiddos and our last session was a family session. It was so good for the 4 of us to work together with her. We are not perfect. I won't ever claim to be. I need Jesus cause without him I don't know where I'd be. I am working on MINDSET. It's something I am trying to teach my kids and something I have had to work on as well for myself. And on January 25th I am looking forward to attending a SET FREE conference as I know there are a number of areas in my life that I need to find freedom and healing in.
So, No I don't think I will die in 2 yrs. But those thoughts have floated in my head and it has made me look at life and my family differently these past 2 weeks. I have chosen to really make family time special even when all I wanted to do was be alone and lie in bed. Even when I did not feel well I made sure we went sled shopping on my B-day so we could enjoy that evening sledding together the 4 of us. I have forced myself to "have it together" in a sense around my kids as best as I can knowing that my little girl still has a hard time with me needing nurses to come into my home weekly and monthly to give me needles and help with TPN stuff. I have recognized the different character issues/areas in my life that I need to work on as well. Truly humbling and now I pray for the energy to do the hard work at learning how to manage my stress levels and allowing the Lord to refine my character to be more of his likeness.
This past week has been pretty wonderful. No commitments, no gatherings, just the 4 of us and it's been good for us to have quality time together with much more peace in our home. It's been a breath of much needed fresh air. That said, I am little worried how it will go once my hubby is back to work full time and school and after school activities start up again (not that my kids have too much going on in the week).
My little girl though can be found at time to time with her head hung low or curled in a corner and saying she misses her grandpa who died before she turned 1. I think it's her way of expressing all the grief she feels over missing our friends and life overseas, her grandpa and as she puts it "him not being able to see her grow up" and her struggling to see me still needing my needles and port. So I long to bring normalcy for her.
I am someone who feels stressed with a messy/cluttered home. I am working at de-cluttering and wanting to take more steps in the New Year to be of a more minamilistic mindset. To be honest I would far rather travel or create memories with my kids than to have stuff. I am also realizing that I need to let go of my expectations and just BE.
And this past weekend as I asked the Lord what word He wants for me in 2019 I found myself on my knees as tears rolled down my cheeks. I have been hearing the word "light" for weeks now. A desire to be a light to my kids and have the light of Jesus flow out of me to them and thus to others. To know He is my light in the darkness and to bring the light/love of Jesus to those walking in darkness. But then I listened to a talk online from the IHOP OneThing2018 weekend. Someone shared the verse from Isaiah 62:4-5. This person said, "Hephzibah the Lord delights in you!" He challenged us to insert our name. To soak in the knowledge that God delights in us as we are...no matter what we have or have not done. I sat on my knees soaking in the knowledge that He delights in me.
So my word for 2019...DELIGHT. And light is in that word. I want to delight myself in The presence of Jesus. I sat in the red chair in the corner of the living room before the rest woke up today journaling, reflecting and sitting with Jesus. This I want to do more of. I am So so hungry for more of Jesus and less of me. I just get in the way afterall. I am so craving the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, family, church and community. I also want to delight more in the knowledge that He Delights In Me! Zephaniah 3:17.
And then I want to delight more in my kids and hubby. To stop the tasks I am doing and delight more in what it is they want to show me or tell me. To be a more present mom. Here's to 2019.
Wednesday, 12 December 2018
Goals
Wow, guess I better update my blog as it's been awhile since I last posted. We went on a trip of a life time and surprised the kids to a trip to Disney. I will have to post about that another time. I have been reflecting on what goals I have for 2019. These are in no particular order:
1) I want to make more time to take care of me which may mean napping during the day as I don't sleep through the night and have not for the past 2 yrs. We recently bought a second hand treadmill so this also means making time to get in some sort of exercise on a regular basis. It also means I make more time for coffee with various people to make sure I get the socializing needed. friendships have changed a lot since I have been back and I am still trying to figure out who my people are here. I am thankful for the new friendships that I have been forming this yr and the old friendships that have picked right back up from where we left off.
2) This past yr I tried to be as gluten free and sugar free as I could but I cheated at times and boy did it affect me. So this yr I really want to be better disciplined in this area.
I have been dealing with some pretty horrible pain in my gut on and off for the last 2 months or so. I have had nights I've been on my couch in tears, nights I am in a fetal position in my bed cradling a pillow in pain. There's days I stay home from church or other functions because of the pain. My GI specialist suggested I stop eating during the day and they increase my calories in my TPN bag I get at night so that my gut gets some rest. This would be for a short period of time but then we'd have to slowly add in a different food at a time. However, I cook for my family and I want to be able to eat too. And I worry that my digestive system will forget how to function if I stop all together. For those of you who don't know TPN goes into my blood stream and bypasses my gut. TPN has allowed me to gain weight. Where I once was a twig with no muscle I now can fill out a pair of jeans ok. That said the TPN does not help with the pain and gi issues and pain.
I told my Dr that I wanted to wait till after Christmas to decide if I will stop eating for awhile or not. So I want to watch what I eat this next yr. And in that I really want to do a better job of providing my family with healthy options to eat. Due to my medical situation I can't eat all the high fiber, raw veggies and fruits, nuts and lentils, healthy grains like quinoa etc. So some times I don't branch out to make healthy meals for my family and then meals for me. But I have seen the negative affects sugar and too many cards has on my one kiddo in particular and I really want to enter 2019 with enthusiasm to meal plan and prep, to cook healthier options with more veggies for my family and to not feel like cooking is such a daunting experience for me.
3) I have been feeling a quiet nudge from the Lord to wake up before my kids, to invest in my time with HIM daily but also for my kids to see me in the Word. It can be easy to do my devotions when the kids are at school or in bed but if I want to model a relationship with Jesus I also need to help my kids see what that could look like to spend quiet time with Jesus. Isaiah 50:4b "Morning by morning he awakens; he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught."
4) Along with number 3 I have been hungry for more of the Lord's presence, peace, and power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I miss being overseas and surrounded by people gathering around each other in prophetic prayer. I miss being in a time of worship where I am feeling free to dance, cry and even flag if one was available. I crave His presence and power in my life and those around me. I miss being able to see and hear about personal healing stories or where people had dreams and visions of Jesus present with them. In a thirst for MORE I gathered together with a group of ladies in town who share a similar heart for MORE of the Holy Spirit and for prophetic prayer. We gather once a month and this group of ladies and time together has been healing and refreshing. In 2019 I look forward to continuing our time together and growing as a group. My desire for 2019 is to see this spill over into the lives of those around me and for my little family to be blown away and awed by the Holy Spirit in each of our lives. I plan to attend a Set Free conference later in January. I have been trained and walked through Neil T Anderson's STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST yrs ago but I feel like after cancer and our move here there are more areas of my life that need to be yielded to God or that I need to have freedom in. So I look forward to this and I long for my oldest kiddo to go to the one for his age later in Feb. So FREEDOM and HEALING from the trauma we've all walked through in the last 2 yrs is something I long to experience fully in 2019.
5) 2019 means my little girl will go to school 2 to 3 times a week till June and in the fall she will go full time so this allows me more time to take care of me and my home. I am not an organized person and I am realizing more and more how if I was this would take some of the stress of things off of my shoulders. Mess and clutter stresses me out. So in 2019 I want to be more organized. Organized in my house, cupboards, with meal planning, etc. I want to live more simply and to really de-clutter. As a side note: THOSE OF YOU WHO TRY TO LIVE MINIMALLY OR WITH ZERO WASTE WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE A CRAFTY CHILD WHO LEAVES THEIR CRAFTS ALL OVER THE HOUSE? Stuff does not make me happy, quality time with my little family does...at least those times when the kids are getting along. 😄
6) I started the journal Bibles for my kids last yr but I did not finish. This year I have a goal to read through the Bible in a year and I will be doing this in their journal Bibles (that I plan to give them when they get baptized or graduate as a surprise). I want to take more time to write the kids letters and put them in a special spot, record me singing some of the songs I sing to them at night and just make sure that I leave a legacy behind for them.
7) I am not much of a reader but I have a couple books I started to read that I would really like to finish. One yr ago I started a little side home business and I desire to grow in that as well. To read books and to continue to grow in my own character as a leader. I have been enjoying the education part of it and being able to get my product basically paid for has been a bonus. I enjoy making changes in my home and providing safer options for each of us. Though there are still more changes to be made. I have been enjoying the connection with people as I help them on their own wellness journeys. It is like my own little ministry where I get to listen to people, help them out and pray for them. I love that.
Along with that I hope to begin taking steps to pursuing my dream of being a life coach or spiritual director.
8) I desire to invest more in my marriage. To learn to communicate better, to date more, to laugh together more. JOY...Something I really want to live in and experience more of in 2019. I desire to work on the areas in my parenting that need work. I long to be a better, more patient and gentler mom. A mom who can sit with the uncomfortable and validate my kid's feelings and emotions better. I long to be a mom who is more capable. I am tired of being the sick mom.
I am sure I could go no but I will this it at this for now.
What are some goals you have for 2019?
1) I want to make more time to take care of me which may mean napping during the day as I don't sleep through the night and have not for the past 2 yrs. We recently bought a second hand treadmill so this also means making time to get in some sort of exercise on a regular basis. It also means I make more time for coffee with various people to make sure I get the socializing needed. friendships have changed a lot since I have been back and I am still trying to figure out who my people are here. I am thankful for the new friendships that I have been forming this yr and the old friendships that have picked right back up from where we left off.
2) This past yr I tried to be as gluten free and sugar free as I could but I cheated at times and boy did it affect me. So this yr I really want to be better disciplined in this area.
I have been dealing with some pretty horrible pain in my gut on and off for the last 2 months or so. I have had nights I've been on my couch in tears, nights I am in a fetal position in my bed cradling a pillow in pain. There's days I stay home from church or other functions because of the pain. My GI specialist suggested I stop eating during the day and they increase my calories in my TPN bag I get at night so that my gut gets some rest. This would be for a short period of time but then we'd have to slowly add in a different food at a time. However, I cook for my family and I want to be able to eat too. And I worry that my digestive system will forget how to function if I stop all together. For those of you who don't know TPN goes into my blood stream and bypasses my gut. TPN has allowed me to gain weight. Where I once was a twig with no muscle I now can fill out a pair of jeans ok. That said the TPN does not help with the pain and gi issues and pain.
I told my Dr that I wanted to wait till after Christmas to decide if I will stop eating for awhile or not. So I want to watch what I eat this next yr. And in that I really want to do a better job of providing my family with healthy options to eat. Due to my medical situation I can't eat all the high fiber, raw veggies and fruits, nuts and lentils, healthy grains like quinoa etc. So some times I don't branch out to make healthy meals for my family and then meals for me. But I have seen the negative affects sugar and too many cards has on my one kiddo in particular and I really want to enter 2019 with enthusiasm to meal plan and prep, to cook healthier options with more veggies for my family and to not feel like cooking is such a daunting experience for me.
3) I have been feeling a quiet nudge from the Lord to wake up before my kids, to invest in my time with HIM daily but also for my kids to see me in the Word. It can be easy to do my devotions when the kids are at school or in bed but if I want to model a relationship with Jesus I also need to help my kids see what that could look like to spend quiet time with Jesus. Isaiah 50:4b "Morning by morning he awakens; he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught."
4) Along with number 3 I have been hungry for more of the Lord's presence, peace, and power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I miss being overseas and surrounded by people gathering around each other in prophetic prayer. I miss being in a time of worship where I am feeling free to dance, cry and even flag if one was available. I crave His presence and power in my life and those around me. I miss being able to see and hear about personal healing stories or where people had dreams and visions of Jesus present with them. In a thirst for MORE I gathered together with a group of ladies in town who share a similar heart for MORE of the Holy Spirit and for prophetic prayer. We gather once a month and this group of ladies and time together has been healing and refreshing. In 2019 I look forward to continuing our time together and growing as a group. My desire for 2019 is to see this spill over into the lives of those around me and for my little family to be blown away and awed by the Holy Spirit in each of our lives. I plan to attend a Set Free conference later in January. I have been trained and walked through Neil T Anderson's STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST yrs ago but I feel like after cancer and our move here there are more areas of my life that need to be yielded to God or that I need to have freedom in. So I look forward to this and I long for my oldest kiddo to go to the one for his age later in Feb. So FREEDOM and HEALING from the trauma we've all walked through in the last 2 yrs is something I long to experience fully in 2019.
5) 2019 means my little girl will go to school 2 to 3 times a week till June and in the fall she will go full time so this allows me more time to take care of me and my home. I am not an organized person and I am realizing more and more how if I was this would take some of the stress of things off of my shoulders. Mess and clutter stresses me out. So in 2019 I want to be more organized. Organized in my house, cupboards, with meal planning, etc. I want to live more simply and to really de-clutter. As a side note: THOSE OF YOU WHO TRY TO LIVE MINIMALLY OR WITH ZERO WASTE WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE A CRAFTY CHILD WHO LEAVES THEIR CRAFTS ALL OVER THE HOUSE? Stuff does not make me happy, quality time with my little family does...at least those times when the kids are getting along. 😄
6) I started the journal Bibles for my kids last yr but I did not finish. This year I have a goal to read through the Bible in a year and I will be doing this in their journal Bibles (that I plan to give them when they get baptized or graduate as a surprise). I want to take more time to write the kids letters and put them in a special spot, record me singing some of the songs I sing to them at night and just make sure that I leave a legacy behind for them.
7) I am not much of a reader but I have a couple books I started to read that I would really like to finish. One yr ago I started a little side home business and I desire to grow in that as well. To read books and to continue to grow in my own character as a leader. I have been enjoying the education part of it and being able to get my product basically paid for has been a bonus. I enjoy making changes in my home and providing safer options for each of us. Though there are still more changes to be made. I have been enjoying the connection with people as I help them on their own wellness journeys. It is like my own little ministry where I get to listen to people, help them out and pray for them. I love that.
Along with that I hope to begin taking steps to pursuing my dream of being a life coach or spiritual director.
8) I desire to invest more in my marriage. To learn to communicate better, to date more, to laugh together more. JOY...Something I really want to live in and experience more of in 2019. I desire to work on the areas in my parenting that need work. I long to be a better, more patient and gentler mom. A mom who can sit with the uncomfortable and validate my kid's feelings and emotions better. I long to be a mom who is more capable. I am tired of being the sick mom.
I am sure I could go no but I will this it at this for now.
What are some goals you have for 2019?
Monday, 8 October 2018
HOME
I have been busy and yet I really wanna get back into blogging. I really want to continue to tell stories from my life. My son has been asking to hear our life stories. I've been telling him a few of the stories. Most I will blog about eventually. Some are too personal and I will just write those down for my kids to read on their own.
My hubby bought tickets months ago and surprised me to a date night to see Chris Tomlin live in concert. The night was powerful. He's a gifted worship leader and it seemed more like a worship night than a show/concert.
When he sang the song, "HOME" I began to weep. I had been wrestling with some personal things in my life. The tears unleashed and feeling them stream down my face felt healing as I felt the warm wet tears flow from my eyes down my cheeks. It's been awhile since I've cried. This wasn't just a little cry it was a crying out to the Lord as the tears flowed. This was a song that I listened to when I was in the hospital healing from my cancer surgeries. When I was 77 lbs and unable to function much all I longed to do was go to my heavenly home. Yet I knew that my kids and hubby needed me around so I had to fight to live. Yet lately as I've looked at who I am now, post cancer, there is so much of me that wishes I could be in Heaven instead of daily living with chronic bathroom trips, TPN, and the emotional exhaustion I feel being a mom to my beautiful kids who are dealing with their own issues from all the trauma we have walked through. There have been days I've believed the lie that my family would have been better off if I had went HOME last year. That is when I need to buckle the belt of truth around my waist and trust that God needed me to be around longer and that He knew my little family still needed me.
I am on an appendix cancer FB group. I am thankful to hear from other people who share their own struggles with having short bowel syndrome now due to surgeries. Many people talk about their struggle with bathroom issues and what meds they are taking or diets they are on to try and help. I recently got a message from a friend on that group asking if I ever had anxiety going out in public worrying that I would have an accident. She asked if it would ever get better. She just had surgery 2 months ago. I assured her she was not alone and that I understood the social anxiety all too well. On my FB group there are people whose spouses have left them after the cancer was discovered. There are people who are struggling with emotional issues after their diagnosis and treatments. Today my heart broke when I read that one man had too many complications after his MOAS...mother of all surgeries...and he passed away after 54 days of complications. I am thankful that I am alive. I am beyond thankful for my husband who has taken his marriage vows "in sickness and in health" seriously. I am thankful he has told me he isn't going anywhere. Yet we have been working through some stuff. We realize we've been in SURVIVAL mode for the last year and a half. My hubby wasn't sure if I was ever gonna make it. But I did and we now need to process and figure out how to THRIVE when our situation, and my health physically and emotionally is so different than it was before we found out I had cancer.
I started seeing a counselor to work through my grief. To help me process what my kids are dealing with in their own trauma and healing. To help me figure out how to limit my stress, manage my emotions and find healing. My heart has been breaking as I see my kids continuing to adjust to life here in Canada. My mommy heart is deeply saddened when I hear of my son's longing to fit in. It takes a lot of emotional energy and strength on my part to listen to his heart, help him process and try to help him focus on being the kind kid even if that means not everyone will like him or want him to hang out with them. My heart hurts for my little girl as it seems she is dealing with some attachment stuff. Her emotions have started to come out more in anger at times and I have so little energy to help her deal with those big emotions effectively.
And then there is me. As one friend, who also had a hysterectomy and deals with side effects from that, said to me, "People just don't talk about this stuff!" I want to talk about this. Those organs were what helped to balance my emotions. My emotions have been thrown into chaos. My capacity is not very big. My counselor described it well saying, before 9/11 airports had security in place but after 9/11 it hit a 5 on a scale of 1 to 5. It was crazy. Now, years later, perhaps that level of security has moved to a 4 or 3 but it has never went back down to where it was. So it is with me. On Jan 19th of 2017 our lives were turned upside down. I went into survival mode. I went to a level 5. Now I am gaining weight (thanks to TPN) which means I have a bit more energy physically, but emotionally I am still so drained. I may now be at a 3.5 or 4 but that means there still is so little capacity that I have to deal with so much big stuff at once and to care for each member in my little family the way I want to or they way they need. I deal with UTI's from time to time due to the hysterectomy and lack of water intake.
My kids and my hubby acknowledge that I am not the same person I used to be. This is hard for me to hear. I am not as patient and I am more easily stressed/triggered/frustrated/and easily angered. I so hate this about myself, thus why I started to see a counselor. I am on a quest to simplify my life. When I have time I want to start to de-clutter my home but also make sure I take time to rest, fill up my cup with journaling, listening to worship music, resting and connecting with friends that are like-minded. The other day during the worship at our church I felt the Lord nudging me to make sure I wake up earlier than my kids to start my day in the Word of God so that I can face the rest of my day with a focus on HIM rather than on my to-do list. I am certainly not perfect. I am on a journey to wholeness and healing and continue to value your prayers for me and my family as we continue to adjust to life/culture here in Canada and as we figure out our new normal as a family here.
As a side note: Yesterday K asked me to read a Berenstain Bears book but it was in Turkish. So I butchered my way through it. She just said, "I don't understand what it means anymore. That's because we now live in a different land!" The kids comment how they are losing their Turkish or how they want so badly to get on a plane and go visit or move back.
My grandpa was sick a little bit ago. He had a small heart attack and so much fluid on his lungs I didn't think he'd make it. But that man is my hero. He amazes me and has more than 9 lives by now. He keeps making it through whatever health challenges come his way. His stubbornness and ability to keep surviving gives me strength and motivation to keep on keeping on. After all, I have some of his genes in me. So even though I long to go HOME I will continue to figure out how to make my home here on earth a place of safety and refuge for my kids. I will continue to find ways to find healing for me and the rest of us and I will seek the Lord about His plans for me here on earth in the mean time.
And If you think of me on Friday the 12th I'd appreciate your prayers as I go for my semi-annual CTscan.
My hubby bought tickets months ago and surprised me to a date night to see Chris Tomlin live in concert. The night was powerful. He's a gifted worship leader and it seemed more like a worship night than a show/concert.
I am on an appendix cancer FB group. I am thankful to hear from other people who share their own struggles with having short bowel syndrome now due to surgeries. Many people talk about their struggle with bathroom issues and what meds they are taking or diets they are on to try and help. I recently got a message from a friend on that group asking if I ever had anxiety going out in public worrying that I would have an accident. She asked if it would ever get better. She just had surgery 2 months ago. I assured her she was not alone and that I understood the social anxiety all too well. On my FB group there are people whose spouses have left them after the cancer was discovered. There are people who are struggling with emotional issues after their diagnosis and treatments. Today my heart broke when I read that one man had too many complications after his MOAS...mother of all surgeries...and he passed away after 54 days of complications. I am thankful that I am alive. I am beyond thankful for my husband who has taken his marriage vows "in sickness and in health" seriously. I am thankful he has told me he isn't going anywhere. Yet we have been working through some stuff. We realize we've been in SURVIVAL mode for the last year and a half. My hubby wasn't sure if I was ever gonna make it. But I did and we now need to process and figure out how to THRIVE when our situation, and my health physically and emotionally is so different than it was before we found out I had cancer.
I started seeing a counselor to work through my grief. To help me process what my kids are dealing with in their own trauma and healing. To help me figure out how to limit my stress, manage my emotions and find healing. My heart has been breaking as I see my kids continuing to adjust to life here in Canada. My mommy heart is deeply saddened when I hear of my son's longing to fit in. It takes a lot of emotional energy and strength on my part to listen to his heart, help him process and try to help him focus on being the kind kid even if that means not everyone will like him or want him to hang out with them. My heart hurts for my little girl as it seems she is dealing with some attachment stuff. Her emotions have started to come out more in anger at times and I have so little energy to help her deal with those big emotions effectively.
And then there is me. As one friend, who also had a hysterectomy and deals with side effects from that, said to me, "People just don't talk about this stuff!" I want to talk about this. Those organs were what helped to balance my emotions. My emotions have been thrown into chaos. My capacity is not very big. My counselor described it well saying, before 9/11 airports had security in place but after 9/11 it hit a 5 on a scale of 1 to 5. It was crazy. Now, years later, perhaps that level of security has moved to a 4 or 3 but it has never went back down to where it was. So it is with me. On Jan 19th of 2017 our lives were turned upside down. I went into survival mode. I went to a level 5. Now I am gaining weight (thanks to TPN) which means I have a bit more energy physically, but emotionally I am still so drained. I may now be at a 3.5 or 4 but that means there still is so little capacity that I have to deal with so much big stuff at once and to care for each member in my little family the way I want to or they way they need. I deal with UTI's from time to time due to the hysterectomy and lack of water intake.
My kids and my hubby acknowledge that I am not the same person I used to be. This is hard for me to hear. I am not as patient and I am more easily stressed/triggered/frustrated/and easily angered. I so hate this about myself, thus why I started to see a counselor. I am on a quest to simplify my life. When I have time I want to start to de-clutter my home but also make sure I take time to rest, fill up my cup with journaling, listening to worship music, resting and connecting with friends that are like-minded. The other day during the worship at our church I felt the Lord nudging me to make sure I wake up earlier than my kids to start my day in the Word of God so that I can face the rest of my day with a focus on HIM rather than on my to-do list. I am certainly not perfect. I am on a journey to wholeness and healing and continue to value your prayers for me and my family as we continue to adjust to life/culture here in Canada and as we figure out our new normal as a family here.
As a side note: Yesterday K asked me to read a Berenstain Bears book but it was in Turkish. So I butchered my way through it. She just said, "I don't understand what it means anymore. That's because we now live in a different land!" The kids comment how they are losing their Turkish or how they want so badly to get on a plane and go visit or move back.
My grandpa was sick a little bit ago. He had a small heart attack and so much fluid on his lungs I didn't think he'd make it. But that man is my hero. He amazes me and has more than 9 lives by now. He keeps making it through whatever health challenges come his way. His stubbornness and ability to keep surviving gives me strength and motivation to keep on keeping on. After all, I have some of his genes in me. So even though I long to go HOME I will continue to figure out how to make my home here on earth a place of safety and refuge for my kids. I will continue to find ways to find healing for me and the rest of us and I will seek the Lord about His plans for me here on earth in the mean time.
And If you think of me on Friday the 12th I'd appreciate your prayers as I go for my semi-annual CTscan.
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