Wow, guess I better update my blog as it's been awhile since I last posted. We went on a trip of a life time and surprised the kids to a trip to Disney. I will have to post about that another time. I have been reflecting on what goals I have for 2019. These are in no particular order:
1) I want to make more time to take care of me which may mean napping during the day as I don't sleep through the night and have not for the past 2 yrs. We recently bought a second hand treadmill so this also means making time to get in some sort of exercise on a regular basis. It also means I make more time for coffee with various people to make sure I get the socializing needed. friendships have changed a lot since I have been back and I am still trying to figure out who my people are here. I am thankful for the new friendships that I have been forming this yr and the old friendships that have picked right back up from where we left off.
2) This past yr I tried to be as gluten free and sugar free as I could but I cheated at times and boy did it affect me. So this yr I really want to be better disciplined in this area.
I have been dealing with some pretty horrible pain in my gut on and off for the last 2 months or so. I have had nights I've been on my couch in tears, nights I am in a fetal position in my bed cradling a pillow in pain. There's days I stay home from church or other functions because of the pain. My GI specialist suggested I stop eating during the day and they increase my calories in my TPN bag I get at night so that my gut gets some rest. This would be for a short period of time but then we'd have to slowly add in a different food at a time. However, I cook for my family and I want to be able to eat too. And I worry that my digestive system will forget how to function if I stop all together. For those of you who don't know TPN goes into my blood stream and bypasses my gut. TPN has allowed me to gain weight. Where I once was a twig with no muscle I now can fill out a pair of jeans ok. That said the TPN does not help with the pain and gi issues and pain.
I told my Dr that I wanted to wait till after Christmas to decide if I will stop eating for awhile or not. So I want to watch what I eat this next yr. And in that I really want to do a better job of providing my family with healthy options to eat. Due to my medical situation I can't eat all the high fiber, raw veggies and fruits, nuts and lentils, healthy grains like quinoa etc. So some times I don't branch out to make healthy meals for my family and then meals for me. But I have seen the negative affects sugar and too many cards has on my one kiddo in particular and I really want to enter 2019 with enthusiasm to meal plan and prep, to cook healthier options with more veggies for my family and to not feel like cooking is such a daunting experience for me.
3) I have been feeling a quiet nudge from the Lord to wake up before my kids, to invest in my time with HIM daily but also for my kids to see me in the Word. It can be easy to do my devotions when the kids are at school or in bed but if I want to model a relationship with Jesus I also need to help my kids see what that could look like to spend quiet time with Jesus. Isaiah 50:4b "Morning by morning he awakens; he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught."
4) Along with number 3 I have been hungry for more of the Lord's presence, peace, and power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I miss being overseas and surrounded by people gathering around each other in prophetic prayer. I miss being in a time of worship where I am feeling free to dance, cry and even flag if one was available. I crave His presence and power in my life and those around me. I miss being able to see and hear about personal healing stories or where people had dreams and visions of Jesus present with them. In a thirst for MORE I gathered together with a group of ladies in town who share a similar heart for MORE of the Holy Spirit and for prophetic prayer. We gather once a month and this group of ladies and time together has been healing and refreshing. In 2019 I look forward to continuing our time together and growing as a group. My desire for 2019 is to see this spill over into the lives of those around me and for my little family to be blown away and awed by the Holy Spirit in each of our lives. I plan to attend a Set Free conference later in January. I have been trained and walked through Neil T Anderson's STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST yrs ago but I feel like after cancer and our move here there are more areas of my life that need to be yielded to God or that I need to have freedom in. So I look forward to this and I long for my oldest kiddo to go to the one for his age later in Feb. So FREEDOM and HEALING from the trauma we've all walked through in the last 2 yrs is something I long to experience fully in 2019.
5) 2019 means my little girl will go to school 2 to 3 times a week till June and in the fall she will go full time so this allows me more time to take care of me and my home. I am not an organized person and I am realizing more and more how if I was this would take some of the stress of things off of my shoulders. Mess and clutter stresses me out. So in 2019 I want to be more organized. Organized in my house, cupboards, with meal planning, etc. I want to live more simply and to really de-clutter. As a side note: THOSE OF YOU WHO TRY TO LIVE MINIMALLY OR WITH ZERO WASTE WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE A CRAFTY CHILD WHO LEAVES THEIR CRAFTS ALL OVER THE HOUSE? Stuff does not make me happy, quality time with my little family does...at least those times when the kids are getting along. 😄
6) I started the journal Bibles for my kids last yr but I did not finish. This year I have a goal to read through the Bible in a year and I will be doing this in their journal Bibles (that I plan to give them when they get baptized or graduate as a surprise). I want to take more time to write the kids letters and put them in a special spot, record me singing some of the songs I sing to them at night and just make sure that I leave a legacy behind for them.
7) I am not much of a reader but I have a couple books I started to read that I would really like to finish. One yr ago I started a little side home business and I desire to grow in that as well. To read books and to continue to grow in my own character as a leader. I have been enjoying the education part of it and being able to get my product basically paid for has been a bonus. I enjoy making changes in my home and providing safer options for each of us. Though there are still more changes to be made. I have been enjoying the connection with people as I help them on their own wellness journeys. It is like my own little ministry where I get to listen to people, help them out and pray for them. I love that.
Along with that I hope to begin taking steps to pursuing my dream of being a life coach or spiritual director.
8) I desire to invest more in my marriage. To learn to communicate better, to date more, to laugh together more. JOY...Something I really want to live in and experience more of in 2019. I desire to work on the areas in my parenting that need work. I long to be a better, more patient and gentler mom. A mom who can sit with the uncomfortable and validate my kid's feelings and emotions better. I long to be a mom who is more capable. I am tired of being the sick mom.
I am sure I could go no but I will this it at this for now.
What are some goals you have for 2019?
Wednesday, 12 December 2018
Monday, 8 October 2018
HOME
I have been busy and yet I really wanna get back into blogging. I really want to continue to tell stories from my life. My son has been asking to hear our life stories. I've been telling him a few of the stories. Most I will blog about eventually. Some are too personal and I will just write those down for my kids to read on their own.
My hubby bought tickets months ago and surprised me to a date night to see Chris Tomlin live in concert. The night was powerful. He's a gifted worship leader and it seemed more like a worship night than a show/concert.
When he sang the song, "HOME" I began to weep. I had been wrestling with some personal things in my life. The tears unleashed and feeling them stream down my face felt healing as I felt the warm wet tears flow from my eyes down my cheeks. It's been awhile since I've cried. This wasn't just a little cry it was a crying out to the Lord as the tears flowed. This was a song that I listened to when I was in the hospital healing from my cancer surgeries. When I was 77 lbs and unable to function much all I longed to do was go to my heavenly home. Yet I knew that my kids and hubby needed me around so I had to fight to live. Yet lately as I've looked at who I am now, post cancer, there is so much of me that wishes I could be in Heaven instead of daily living with chronic bathroom trips, TPN, and the emotional exhaustion I feel being a mom to my beautiful kids who are dealing with their own issues from all the trauma we have walked through. There have been days I've believed the lie that my family would have been better off if I had went HOME last year. That is when I need to buckle the belt of truth around my waist and trust that God needed me to be around longer and that He knew my little family still needed me.
I am on an appendix cancer FB group. I am thankful to hear from other people who share their own struggles with having short bowel syndrome now due to surgeries. Many people talk about their struggle with bathroom issues and what meds they are taking or diets they are on to try and help. I recently got a message from a friend on that group asking if I ever had anxiety going out in public worrying that I would have an accident. She asked if it would ever get better. She just had surgery 2 months ago. I assured her she was not alone and that I understood the social anxiety all too well. On my FB group there are people whose spouses have left them after the cancer was discovered. There are people who are struggling with emotional issues after their diagnosis and treatments. Today my heart broke when I read that one man had too many complications after his MOAS...mother of all surgeries...and he passed away after 54 days of complications. I am thankful that I am alive. I am beyond thankful for my husband who has taken his marriage vows "in sickness and in health" seriously. I am thankful he has told me he isn't going anywhere. Yet we have been working through some stuff. We realize we've been in SURVIVAL mode for the last year and a half. My hubby wasn't sure if I was ever gonna make it. But I did and we now need to process and figure out how to THRIVE when our situation, and my health physically and emotionally is so different than it was before we found out I had cancer.
I started seeing a counselor to work through my grief. To help me process what my kids are dealing with in their own trauma and healing. To help me figure out how to limit my stress, manage my emotions and find healing. My heart has been breaking as I see my kids continuing to adjust to life here in Canada. My mommy heart is deeply saddened when I hear of my son's longing to fit in. It takes a lot of emotional energy and strength on my part to listen to his heart, help him process and try to help him focus on being the kind kid even if that means not everyone will like him or want him to hang out with them. My heart hurts for my little girl as it seems she is dealing with some attachment stuff. Her emotions have started to come out more in anger at times and I have so little energy to help her deal with those big emotions effectively.
And then there is me. As one friend, who also had a hysterectomy and deals with side effects from that, said to me, "People just don't talk about this stuff!" I want to talk about this. Those organs were what helped to balance my emotions. My emotions have been thrown into chaos. My capacity is not very big. My counselor described it well saying, before 9/11 airports had security in place but after 9/11 it hit a 5 on a scale of 1 to 5. It was crazy. Now, years later, perhaps that level of security has moved to a 4 or 3 but it has never went back down to where it was. So it is with me. On Jan 19th of 2017 our lives were turned upside down. I went into survival mode. I went to a level 5. Now I am gaining weight (thanks to TPN) which means I have a bit more energy physically, but emotionally I am still so drained. I may now be at a 3.5 or 4 but that means there still is so little capacity that I have to deal with so much big stuff at once and to care for each member in my little family the way I want to or they way they need. I deal with UTI's from time to time due to the hysterectomy and lack of water intake.
My kids and my hubby acknowledge that I am not the same person I used to be. This is hard for me to hear. I am not as patient and I am more easily stressed/triggered/frustrated/and easily angered. I so hate this about myself, thus why I started to see a counselor. I am on a quest to simplify my life. When I have time I want to start to de-clutter my home but also make sure I take time to rest, fill up my cup with journaling, listening to worship music, resting and connecting with friends that are like-minded. The other day during the worship at our church I felt the Lord nudging me to make sure I wake up earlier than my kids to start my day in the Word of God so that I can face the rest of my day with a focus on HIM rather than on my to-do list. I am certainly not perfect. I am on a journey to wholeness and healing and continue to value your prayers for me and my family as we continue to adjust to life/culture here in Canada and as we figure out our new normal as a family here.
As a side note: Yesterday K asked me to read a Berenstain Bears book but it was in Turkish. So I butchered my way through it. She just said, "I don't understand what it means anymore. That's because we now live in a different land!" The kids comment how they are losing their Turkish or how they want so badly to get on a plane and go visit or move back.
My grandpa was sick a little bit ago. He had a small heart attack and so much fluid on his lungs I didn't think he'd make it. But that man is my hero. He amazes me and has more than 9 lives by now. He keeps making it through whatever health challenges come his way. His stubbornness and ability to keep surviving gives me strength and motivation to keep on keeping on. After all, I have some of his genes in me. So even though I long to go HOME I will continue to figure out how to make my home here on earth a place of safety and refuge for my kids. I will continue to find ways to find healing for me and the rest of us and I will seek the Lord about His plans for me here on earth in the mean time.
And If you think of me on Friday the 12th I'd appreciate your prayers as I go for my semi-annual CTscan.
My hubby bought tickets months ago and surprised me to a date night to see Chris Tomlin live in concert. The night was powerful. He's a gifted worship leader and it seemed more like a worship night than a show/concert.
I am on an appendix cancer FB group. I am thankful to hear from other people who share their own struggles with having short bowel syndrome now due to surgeries. Many people talk about their struggle with bathroom issues and what meds they are taking or diets they are on to try and help. I recently got a message from a friend on that group asking if I ever had anxiety going out in public worrying that I would have an accident. She asked if it would ever get better. She just had surgery 2 months ago. I assured her she was not alone and that I understood the social anxiety all too well. On my FB group there are people whose spouses have left them after the cancer was discovered. There are people who are struggling with emotional issues after their diagnosis and treatments. Today my heart broke when I read that one man had too many complications after his MOAS...mother of all surgeries...and he passed away after 54 days of complications. I am thankful that I am alive. I am beyond thankful for my husband who has taken his marriage vows "in sickness and in health" seriously. I am thankful he has told me he isn't going anywhere. Yet we have been working through some stuff. We realize we've been in SURVIVAL mode for the last year and a half. My hubby wasn't sure if I was ever gonna make it. But I did and we now need to process and figure out how to THRIVE when our situation, and my health physically and emotionally is so different than it was before we found out I had cancer.
I started seeing a counselor to work through my grief. To help me process what my kids are dealing with in their own trauma and healing. To help me figure out how to limit my stress, manage my emotions and find healing. My heart has been breaking as I see my kids continuing to adjust to life here in Canada. My mommy heart is deeply saddened when I hear of my son's longing to fit in. It takes a lot of emotional energy and strength on my part to listen to his heart, help him process and try to help him focus on being the kind kid even if that means not everyone will like him or want him to hang out with them. My heart hurts for my little girl as it seems she is dealing with some attachment stuff. Her emotions have started to come out more in anger at times and I have so little energy to help her deal with those big emotions effectively.
And then there is me. As one friend, who also had a hysterectomy and deals with side effects from that, said to me, "People just don't talk about this stuff!" I want to talk about this. Those organs were what helped to balance my emotions. My emotions have been thrown into chaos. My capacity is not very big. My counselor described it well saying, before 9/11 airports had security in place but after 9/11 it hit a 5 on a scale of 1 to 5. It was crazy. Now, years later, perhaps that level of security has moved to a 4 or 3 but it has never went back down to where it was. So it is with me. On Jan 19th of 2017 our lives were turned upside down. I went into survival mode. I went to a level 5. Now I am gaining weight (thanks to TPN) which means I have a bit more energy physically, but emotionally I am still so drained. I may now be at a 3.5 or 4 but that means there still is so little capacity that I have to deal with so much big stuff at once and to care for each member in my little family the way I want to or they way they need. I deal with UTI's from time to time due to the hysterectomy and lack of water intake.
My kids and my hubby acknowledge that I am not the same person I used to be. This is hard for me to hear. I am not as patient and I am more easily stressed/triggered/frustrated/and easily angered. I so hate this about myself, thus why I started to see a counselor. I am on a quest to simplify my life. When I have time I want to start to de-clutter my home but also make sure I take time to rest, fill up my cup with journaling, listening to worship music, resting and connecting with friends that are like-minded. The other day during the worship at our church I felt the Lord nudging me to make sure I wake up earlier than my kids to start my day in the Word of God so that I can face the rest of my day with a focus on HIM rather than on my to-do list. I am certainly not perfect. I am on a journey to wholeness and healing and continue to value your prayers for me and my family as we continue to adjust to life/culture here in Canada and as we figure out our new normal as a family here.
As a side note: Yesterday K asked me to read a Berenstain Bears book but it was in Turkish. So I butchered my way through it. She just said, "I don't understand what it means anymore. That's because we now live in a different land!" The kids comment how they are losing their Turkish or how they want so badly to get on a plane and go visit or move back.
My grandpa was sick a little bit ago. He had a small heart attack and so much fluid on his lungs I didn't think he'd make it. But that man is my hero. He amazes me and has more than 9 lives by now. He keeps making it through whatever health challenges come his way. His stubbornness and ability to keep surviving gives me strength and motivation to keep on keeping on. After all, I have some of his genes in me. So even though I long to go HOME I will continue to figure out how to make my home here on earth a place of safety and refuge for my kids. I will continue to find ways to find healing for me and the rest of us and I will seek the Lord about His plans for me here on earth in the mean time.
And If you think of me on Friday the 12th I'd appreciate your prayers as I go for my semi-annual CTscan.
Monday, 24 September 2018
honesty
It's been awhile. There is so much running in my head and heavy on my heart so I am not sure what to share. I've been struggling. Being a mom is not an easy job. I try my best and feel like I fail daily. It can be easy to listen to the lies running around in my head about the type of parent that I am and how my kids need someone with more energy, more patience, and more joy. For the last yr and a bit I felt like all I had energy for was to survive and make it through the day. In the last month or so I've had a bit more energy and have been able to try to create memories with my kids. My son often tells me that he sees us as being different now. The other day he commented that he's noticed I've gained weight but that the rest of me looks so exhausted and that I should go away to a spa for a week....YES PLEASE!!! He noted the extra grey hair and wrinkles too. Yep I have them. It's amazing how much a body can age trough trauma. And yet I felt I needed to tell him that grey hair and wrinkles and exhaustion does not mean the cancer is back...just means I have been through a lot.
We as a family went to the Terry Fox run. The boys ran 5k and I jogged 2.5 k next to my little girl on her bike. This is not a long distance and it felt amazing running it. Crossing that finish line did something in my heart that I can't explain. In Feb of 2017 I was ready to die. I didn't think I would ever be well enough to run again. Crossing the finish line felt like in some strange way a chapter has closed and a new season has begun. And yet I need to stew on that feeling some more and process what the Lord was trying to tell me in that moment. We ran as a family for the cause of cancer in our family. For my Father-in-law as that day we ran the race was on what would have been his birthday. And we ran for me. It felt good but the days after were so hard. Perhaps I was dealing with adrenal fatigue. Perhaps I pushed myself too much and my body just cried out to stop and rest.
My little girl started Kindergarten. Only 2 days a week. I have a long list of things to do each day but some times not much gets done. I still need rest times.
People ask me if I am cancer free. As for as we know, yes. I have blood work this week and my scan coming up in October. I wanna believe nothing will show up. I wanna believe that I can leave cancer behind me. The reality is we as a family are still healing from and dealing with the trauma we all faced in 2017. It's been exhausting having to work through it all with my kiddos who express their trauma and healing differently from each other, or from me for that matter. We are all processing it so differently. And I finally started seeing a counselor for me. It's time I finally process myself and deal with all the loss and trauma...in hopes that I will come through that being a better mom than how I see myself to be now.
I am loving the new Lauren Diagle cd. So much truth in the lyrics. I can relate. I love this song.
Thursday, 16 August 2018
RADIATE
A number of weeks ago I had been driving back from a Dr. appointment and was listening to my friend share in a video on FB about hearing God's voice and the different ways we can hear His voice. All of a sudden I looked at my radio in my car and saw that there was a song titled, "Radiate" by Hannah Kerr.
Almost at he same time I noticed a sign on the sign of the road. As I drove by the word RADIATE stood out to me. I began to wonder if the Lord was trying to say something to me. It wasn't too long after that I was reading my little devotional, "Jesus Always" and this is what I read:
I am still soaking on what the Lord is trying to tell me through this word. But I do believe He's been inviting me to soak in His presence more. And then the other day in church this song was introduced to us. Of course the word RADIATE stood out to me again. This time I had to smile a little. The Lord was trying to tell me something. He speaks, often is such simple ways that we miss it because we are too busy looking for or wishing He'd speak in LOUD and more obvious ways.
I felt this song was a reminder of the Love God has for me. And the fact that He has taken my brokenness and poured His love and healing into me and that through that brokenness His love is hopefully being like radiant diamonds to those around me.
I was able to share my testimony a few weeks back with around 30 ladies. It was a wonderful opportunity to share about my past hurts, struggles, and pain but also how Jesus ministered to me in those times, how He healed and spoke and loved on me. I shared how He was faithful and continues to be. After we listened to the song, "Reckless Love" I shared how I was reflecting on ways that Jesus had kicked down walls I put up around my heart, How he tore down lies that I believed about myself or about Him. I told how had and was meeting me in intimate ways when I would just take time to listen and ask Him where He was in the room with me or what He wanted to say to me. If you would like a copy of my testimony to read I'd gladly email it to you. In my testimony I talked about how I finally feel, like after this last yr and a half, that I am coming up for air. That I am finally gaining some strength to get things done and to get more involved in building relationships with people, etc. However, I am also aware that I still need to take things slow and make sure I continue to get healthy physically and emotionally.
I am feeling a stirring inside of me. I am passionate about women finding freedom in their lives. Freedom from bondage of sin, of lies they believe about God or themselves, freedom of self-pity or not viewing themselves as their CREATOR made them to be. I am passionate about wanting people to not live in the status quo but to want MORE in their walks with God. To want MORE in their prayer lives. I long for revival in my town and country. And I am realizing that this needs to begin with me. And I am praying about what it looks like to start a little prayer group with some women, where we would gather, do prophetic prayer and listening to God together.
I have had a wonderful few days at home by myself. My kids were up north with my parents and my hubby worked during the day so I was able to get some things organized, prepped in the freezer, cleaned, etc. After listening to on online book this week I realized that chaos, mess, etc stresses me out. So I wanted to try to be better at organizing, cleaning, etc so that I don't walk into a room and immediately feel a little wave of anxiety at the mess I see. This then spills out into my parenting and it isn't always good. So I want to take time each day to exercise, spend with Jesus, and use the time my kids are in school to get things done around the house so that when they are home I can be more present and less stressed out. This also means letting the garden go. So there are weeds, so what! I have better things to do than to keep an immaculate yard. (But weeds sure do speak to me about sin. They seem small one day and a few days later they are huge. Just like sin. We may think something is a small sin in our life but if we don't deal with it and knock it down it will become a big issue). I still have a long list of things I want to do but I am realizing I am tired out and that I am in need of some me and Jesus time. So today is a day to reflect, blog, rest and soak with HIM.
As a side note: TPN has been a big help. My body is finally hydrated. I have gained weight and the last I talked to the Dr he figured I'd only need to be on it for a yr. So here's hoping! I still have digestive issues and take lots of meds for that but I do look healthier and am now needing to find clothes that fit this new body that's been slowly gaining weight as I grow out of the clothes I bought in the kids' youth sections of stores. Thanks for the prayers.
Almost at he same time I noticed a sign on the sign of the road. As I drove by the word RADIATE stood out to me. I began to wonder if the Lord was trying to say something to me. It wasn't too long after that I was reading my little devotional, "Jesus Always" and this is what I read:
I felt this song was a reminder of the Love God has for me. And the fact that He has taken my brokenness and poured His love and healing into me and that through that brokenness His love is hopefully being like radiant diamonds to those around me.
I was able to share my testimony a few weeks back with around 30 ladies. It was a wonderful opportunity to share about my past hurts, struggles, and pain but also how Jesus ministered to me in those times, how He healed and spoke and loved on me. I shared how He was faithful and continues to be. After we listened to the song, "Reckless Love" I shared how I was reflecting on ways that Jesus had kicked down walls I put up around my heart, How he tore down lies that I believed about myself or about Him. I told how had and was meeting me in intimate ways when I would just take time to listen and ask Him where He was in the room with me or what He wanted to say to me. If you would like a copy of my testimony to read I'd gladly email it to you. In my testimony I talked about how I finally feel, like after this last yr and a half, that I am coming up for air. That I am finally gaining some strength to get things done and to get more involved in building relationships with people, etc. However, I am also aware that I still need to take things slow and make sure I continue to get healthy physically and emotionally.
I am feeling a stirring inside of me. I am passionate about women finding freedom in their lives. Freedom from bondage of sin, of lies they believe about God or themselves, freedom of self-pity or not viewing themselves as their CREATOR made them to be. I am passionate about wanting people to not live in the status quo but to want MORE in their walks with God. To want MORE in their prayer lives. I long for revival in my town and country. And I am realizing that this needs to begin with me. And I am praying about what it looks like to start a little prayer group with some women, where we would gather, do prophetic prayer and listening to God together.
I have had a wonderful few days at home by myself. My kids were up north with my parents and my hubby worked during the day so I was able to get some things organized, prepped in the freezer, cleaned, etc. After listening to on online book this week I realized that chaos, mess, etc stresses me out. So I wanted to try to be better at organizing, cleaning, etc so that I don't walk into a room and immediately feel a little wave of anxiety at the mess I see. This then spills out into my parenting and it isn't always good. So I want to take time each day to exercise, spend with Jesus, and use the time my kids are in school to get things done around the house so that when they are home I can be more present and less stressed out. This also means letting the garden go. So there are weeds, so what! I have better things to do than to keep an immaculate yard. (But weeds sure do speak to me about sin. They seem small one day and a few days later they are huge. Just like sin. We may think something is a small sin in our life but if we don't deal with it and knock it down it will become a big issue). I still have a long list of things I want to do but I am realizing I am tired out and that I am in need of some me and Jesus time. So today is a day to reflect, blog, rest and soak with HIM.
As a side note: TPN has been a big help. My body is finally hydrated. I have gained weight and the last I talked to the Dr he figured I'd only need to be on it for a yr. So here's hoping! I still have digestive issues and take lots of meds for that but I do look healthier and am now needing to find clothes that fit this new body that's been slowly gaining weight as I grow out of the clothes I bought in the kids' youth sections of stores. Thanks for the prayers.
Thursday, 12 July 2018
Dream Small
Anyways, I love to pray. Last week a friend told another friend about an incident where she told me about some nightmares she was having and I took some time to do some listening/inner healing prayer with her. I invited her to go back into her nightmare and meet Jesus there and to experience the freedom He longed for her from those nightmares. She said after that she hasn't had another nightmare. So we talked about my passion for others to hear God's voice, my yearning to be in community with prophetic and listening prayer. I kinda jokingly said, "Well I guess that's something I can do is pray. Maybe I should put something on FB and tell people if they want prayer they could come and I will pray for them." They said I totally should. After reflecting on it, I would love to do that. Eventually, when health, money and time allows I will attend a 5 day training seminar to work towards my life coaching training. But in the mean time I have been trained to walk people through STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST. I have been trained in inner healing and listening prayer. So this is something I am offering to Jesus, asking for opportunities to use my gifts and my passions to walk alongside others and be able to see them experience the freedom He longs for them to have in their own lives.
Please join me in prayer as I seek what little things I can do in the lives of those around me. Lord, I am ready to be used right where I am!
The Power Of Words
I have been on TPN for just over 3 weeks. The first 2 and a half weeks were rough with a lot of pain, lack of sleep and adjusting. But I was asked to go off for a few days because my blood work showed my potassium was too high. Too much potassium can negatively affect my heart. They ordered me new TPN without it. I have been on that now for almost a week and I feel much better.
I have started to gain weight. When I look at my body I feel huge. Some nights I have felt like my body was retaining water as it did when I was pregnant with K and that I was a balloon about to explode from the water retention. But then I look at pictures and I see how skinny I still am.
I get comments. Some are harder to hear than others. All are meant to be encouraging. When I am told that I look rounder or that I look like I have gained weight it isn't always easy to hear. When I hear that I look marvelous and healthier that's better. I used to be anorexic in Jr. High and High School. Actually until after my 1st yr of Bible School. I had a competition with some other girls to see who would be under 100 by grad. I bawled when I was 103. I over exercised and watched what I ate. It never got super bad like being hospitalized but my self esteem and view of myself was low.
It was at the training of a summer missions trip I was part of where I received my healing. We talked about footholds that Satan had in our lives and how we needed to find freedom in Jesus through that. I knew right away I needed prayer. I was already planning how I was going to avoid or skip meals and how I was going to watch my weight that summer. I knew this was taking my eyes off of Jesus and off of what He wanted to do in and through me that summer.
The leaders invited me to read Song of Songs chapter 4 over and over as they prayed with me, over me and tried to help me see where the roots were in my life that caused me to have this mindset. I grew up having a little bit of a pot belly. Not huge but not muscular either. People made comments. In grade 8 someone who was supposed to be a friend drew a picture of me as being fat and passed it around the class. Everyone saw it but me. Thankfully a friend told me about it. I vowed after that to never be FAT. And thus began the spiral.
The verse that stood out to me during this was Song of Songs 4:7: "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." I read this verse over and over until I could finally muster up some faith to believe this was true about me. That night I experienced freedom over the mindset and anorexia. And I feel like Satan lost some hold of my life at that point. That night when I was trying to sleep I heard a roaring voice in the room. Another girl who was sleeping in the same room heard it as well. I saw body parts on the ceiling and it was rather scary. But I prayed to Jesus and rebuked Satan and I experienced peace and freedom and fell asleep.
Do you know that a high percentage of people who have had some sort of trauma in their life like sexual abuse for example, have eating disorders? Not all, but a lot. So after this training night I also had some yrs of counseling for other things from my past and have had a much better perspective of myself and my body. It's been a process. I do not like hearing people complain about their weight. And now the perspective I have is that when we put ourselves down, our looks, our bodies, our abilities we are putting down the CREATOR who created us. He says in the Bible that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. If I put myself down it's like I am telling God He didn't do a good job.
However words are powerful. When I was pregnant I was introduced to someone I didn't know well. The person introducing me didn't have any mean intention but made a comment of how huge I looked. I went home that night and ended up in tears. When body image used to be something I struggled with a lot it was hard to have my body change and grow. Yes pregnancy is amazing and a miracle but your body changes in ways you've never experienced before.
Now fast forward to this last almost 2 yrs. In fall of 2016 I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos. I was trying to figure out how to best eat for those two diseases. I did research on eating the auto-immune protocol diet. Each disease had it's own diet that seemed to conflict at times. One diet told me to eat broccoli, etc the other said not to. After much stressing I did my best to limit the broccoli and foods in that family, to go gluten free and sugar free. I started losing weight. Then I got sick and eventually found out I had cancer. Now for sure I wanted to limit my cancer as I had read that glucose/sugar is like food for the cancer cells. 4 surgeries later and I was down 40 lbs. At my lowest, 77 lbs, my husband said I looked like death. For the last yr he felt like every time he was going to hug me he might break me. At first I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was a walking skeleton basically. I had to shop in the children's stores for clothes. I struggle to sit for long as I don't have a lot of fat on my butt so sitting on a tail bone is pretty painful.
However over time this has become my normal. I've gotten used to this body even though I knew it wasn't healthy. I tried to eat. I stuffed my face but due to having no colon I couldn't eat fiber, a lot of veggies and fruits, etc. Sugary foods ran through me too. At times it felt like all I was thinking about was food and figuring out what I could eat, and I tried my best to gain weight.
Now in the last 3 weeks I have gained 4 maybe 5 lbs. This is huge after having only gained 3 or 4 lbs in the last yr. But my body is changing and it's taking some getting used to. Clothes are fitting a little snugger. This is all good, I know that. Yet remember, I used to have an anorexic mindset and I am aware that I need to be careful where my thoughts go.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8
This is a verse I need to focus on. To capture my thoughts and give them to Jesus. I have talked to my doctor and nurse to let them know that I am fully aware that gaining weight might affect me. I don't want it to yet I also want to be aware of it too. My husband told me he no longer just sees my bones when he looks at my back. I know I look healthier. For one I am more hydrated and that helps big time. I barely drank this last yr because if I did food would run through me faster. TPN bypasses my gut and gets hydration and nutrients into my cells.
Knowing that words have positively or negatively affected me lately has also had me thinking about what words I use with my kids. Am I saying things that build them up or tear their spirits down even if it's not intentional?
I am also aware that it's easier for someone to comment and tell someone that they look good when they are losing weight. But it's harder to know what to say to someone trying to gain weight. Overall I am thankful that I am looking healthier, that I feel like I have a little more energy and life in me too. Thanks for the prayers, please keep them coming.
I have been asked to share my testimony later this month at a ladies event. There are so many stories I could tell but I really want to glorify God and share what it is that He wants me to share. I long for my words to be an encouragement to the ladies that attend. I'd appreciate your prayers as I seek God and what it is He wants me to share.
I have started to gain weight. When I look at my body I feel huge. Some nights I have felt like my body was retaining water as it did when I was pregnant with K and that I was a balloon about to explode from the water retention. But then I look at pictures and I see how skinny I still am.
I get comments. Some are harder to hear than others. All are meant to be encouraging. When I am told that I look rounder or that I look like I have gained weight it isn't always easy to hear. When I hear that I look marvelous and healthier that's better. I used to be anorexic in Jr. High and High School. Actually until after my 1st yr of Bible School. I had a competition with some other girls to see who would be under 100 by grad. I bawled when I was 103. I over exercised and watched what I ate. It never got super bad like being hospitalized but my self esteem and view of myself was low.
It was at the training of a summer missions trip I was part of where I received my healing. We talked about footholds that Satan had in our lives and how we needed to find freedom in Jesus through that. I knew right away I needed prayer. I was already planning how I was going to avoid or skip meals and how I was going to watch my weight that summer. I knew this was taking my eyes off of Jesus and off of what He wanted to do in and through me that summer.
The leaders invited me to read Song of Songs chapter 4 over and over as they prayed with me, over me and tried to help me see where the roots were in my life that caused me to have this mindset. I grew up having a little bit of a pot belly. Not huge but not muscular either. People made comments. In grade 8 someone who was supposed to be a friend drew a picture of me as being fat and passed it around the class. Everyone saw it but me. Thankfully a friend told me about it. I vowed after that to never be FAT. And thus began the spiral.
The verse that stood out to me during this was Song of Songs 4:7: "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." I read this verse over and over until I could finally muster up some faith to believe this was true about me. That night I experienced freedom over the mindset and anorexia. And I feel like Satan lost some hold of my life at that point. That night when I was trying to sleep I heard a roaring voice in the room. Another girl who was sleeping in the same room heard it as well. I saw body parts on the ceiling and it was rather scary. But I prayed to Jesus and rebuked Satan and I experienced peace and freedom and fell asleep.
Do you know that a high percentage of people who have had some sort of trauma in their life like sexual abuse for example, have eating disorders? Not all, but a lot. So after this training night I also had some yrs of counseling for other things from my past and have had a much better perspective of myself and my body. It's been a process. I do not like hearing people complain about their weight. And now the perspective I have is that when we put ourselves down, our looks, our bodies, our abilities we are putting down the CREATOR who created us. He says in the Bible that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. If I put myself down it's like I am telling God He didn't do a good job.
However words are powerful. When I was pregnant I was introduced to someone I didn't know well. The person introducing me didn't have any mean intention but made a comment of how huge I looked. I went home that night and ended up in tears. When body image used to be something I struggled with a lot it was hard to have my body change and grow. Yes pregnancy is amazing and a miracle but your body changes in ways you've never experienced before.
Now fast forward to this last almost 2 yrs. In fall of 2016 I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos. I was trying to figure out how to best eat for those two diseases. I did research on eating the auto-immune protocol diet. Each disease had it's own diet that seemed to conflict at times. One diet told me to eat broccoli, etc the other said not to. After much stressing I did my best to limit the broccoli and foods in that family, to go gluten free and sugar free. I started losing weight. Then I got sick and eventually found out I had cancer. Now for sure I wanted to limit my cancer as I had read that glucose/sugar is like food for the cancer cells. 4 surgeries later and I was down 40 lbs. At my lowest, 77 lbs, my husband said I looked like death. For the last yr he felt like every time he was going to hug me he might break me. At first I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was a walking skeleton basically. I had to shop in the children's stores for clothes. I struggle to sit for long as I don't have a lot of fat on my butt so sitting on a tail bone is pretty painful.
However over time this has become my normal. I've gotten used to this body even though I knew it wasn't healthy. I tried to eat. I stuffed my face but due to having no colon I couldn't eat fiber, a lot of veggies and fruits, etc. Sugary foods ran through me too. At times it felt like all I was thinking about was food and figuring out what I could eat, and I tried my best to gain weight.
Now in the last 3 weeks I have gained 4 maybe 5 lbs. This is huge after having only gained 3 or 4 lbs in the last yr. But my body is changing and it's taking some getting used to. Clothes are fitting a little snugger. This is all good, I know that. Yet remember, I used to have an anorexic mindset and I am aware that I need to be careful where my thoughts go.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8
This is a verse I need to focus on. To capture my thoughts and give them to Jesus. I have talked to my doctor and nurse to let them know that I am fully aware that gaining weight might affect me. I don't want it to yet I also want to be aware of it too. My husband told me he no longer just sees my bones when he looks at my back. I know I look healthier. For one I am more hydrated and that helps big time. I barely drank this last yr because if I did food would run through me faster. TPN bypasses my gut and gets hydration and nutrients into my cells.
Knowing that words have positively or negatively affected me lately has also had me thinking about what words I use with my kids. Am I saying things that build them up or tear their spirits down even if it's not intentional?
I am also aware that it's easier for someone to comment and tell someone that they look good when they are losing weight. But it's harder to know what to say to someone trying to gain weight. Overall I am thankful that I am looking healthier, that I feel like I have a little more energy and life in me too. Thanks for the prayers, please keep them coming.
I have been asked to share my testimony later this month at a ladies event. There are so many stories I could tell but I really want to glorify God and share what it is that He wants me to share. I long for my words to be an encouragement to the ladies that attend. I'd appreciate your prayers as I seek God and what it is He wants me to share.
Wednesday, 27 June 2018
TPN-one week in
I came out of surgery to find out that they had attempted to put the port in on the right side but were unable to so they had to put it in on the left. They had thought they might have nicked my lung but the x-ray proved otherwise, thankfully. That night I started TPN for the first time.
All the training sessions later I still felt overwhelmed trying to make sure I kept things clean and sterile in order to make sure I don't have any infections, clots, etc. Thankfully I was able to take some videos during our last training session so on the first night my hubby played the video beside me while I tried to slowly figure it all out.
I am getting much quicker now at hooking up at night and unhooking in the morning. I have yet to attempt the gripper (needle) change that will happen once a week. That's too hard to wrap my head around stabbing myself with a needle. So thankfully this Thursday when I go to get my stitches out they will also change my gripper.
Many people have asked how I am feeling. I guess they, along with myself, thought I'd feel really good on TPN. To be honest it's been pretty brutal. I have neck and back/shoulder pain (later learned that muscle in the front was cut to insert the port and that stress and tension has affected the muscles in the back ) so sleeping has been difficult. I experienced nausea, a horrible headache for a number of days, exhaustion from not sleeping well at night. Normally I was up once or twice a night before TPN. Now I am up some times almost ever hour and a half or 2 hrs. The bags under my eyes have gotten bigger and puffier and my capacity to care for myself/home/kids, etc has been minimal. I am thankful for the few meals that were brought this week and for friends and family who have helped out with the kiddos and rides, etc. Recent blood work showed my phosphate levels are too high which may be the reason for my weakness. So now I await more TPN bags that will be delivered without phosphate this time and then I need to get my blood drawn up next week to see if those levels come down. I wish we lived closer to a larger center to get blood work. Usually it's a 45 min to an hr drive to a lab that can do this type of blood work for me. And my nurse informed me that some of her clients feel nauseated on TPN and she hoped I wasn't gonna be one of them. I can only pray that things will get better from here on out.
When it is easy to see all the negative I am trying to find things to be thankful for. It's one way I can try to be an example for my kids. I am trying to teach them to not focus on just the negatives of their days but to list of the positives too. I am thankful for the caring medical staff team I have. What a gift! I am thankful that yesterday was better than the previous week and even though today I am not feeling amazing I am feeling better than when I was at my worst last week.
Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me and my little family. I am forever grateful for you.
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