Covid, Homeschool, Health and Spiritual Direction

So much has happened in the last few months.  In fact it feels like so much has happened in 2020, as there is always something in the news forcing us to really look at ourselves, our way of life and the world around us.  It has brought some good discussions with the kids, left my heart feeling burdened and caused some sleepless nights for me as my heart and head have been so full and overwhelmed with various situations.  But it has also brought me to the reminder that my God is bigger and able to carry all of this.  That when I feel this way He is my strong tower that I can turn to and trust my cares into His very capable hands.  He's been calling me to not fret and not worry but to TRUST Him.  To really TRUST Him.

Covid 19 came and forced me into being a homeschooling mom, while finishing up my first year of classes.  I did some homeschooling when we lived overseas and to be honest I much preferred the material I used with my son back when he was in grade 1 rather than the online work I was supposed to help my daughter (who was now in grade 1) with this time around.  If a 2nd wave comes and we need to homeschool again in the fall I may have to look into the SONLIGHT material again and use that material instead.

I did not enjoy homeschooling.  My daughter had a hard time seeing me as mom and teacher and struggled to decipher the difference.  She missed socializing with her peers and having the regular school routine.  My son on the other hand enjoyed it.  He was diligent to wake up early and get everything done before 9:30 am for the day.  He enjoyed not having to connect with some of the kids who aren't always kind to him at school and enjoyed going for bike rides or hanging out and strengthening the friendships he does have (while social distancing).  This past school year I was getting used to having both kids in full time school and was able to had time to rest, work on school, catch up on my house chores and to do lists. I was pretty consistent with making sure I was laying on the couch a half hour before the kids arrived home so I could rest, pray and really just get my mind and heart ready to prepare for their arrival off of the bus.  Covid meant that I had so little alone time for me.  At best I function at 80% most days but these past few months there were days I was only functioning at 50% and that didn't help with the stress in our home.  School ended on the 12th of June and already the environment around here is way better.

Even though it wasn't perfect I look back and am thankful for the family times we had around the table.  I am thankful for all the family games, bike rides, movies watched and memories made together.  I really enjoyed not having to be busy driving from one place to another.  I really don't want life to get crazy busy again.  However, last night was the first time we gathered around a fire with a friends and it was so wonderful to feel like life was normal again.  We met a family we hadn't met before.  As we gathered around the fire they started asking questions to get to know us.  We ended up sharing stories about our time in West Asia, sharing how people loved on us over there, how God clearly called us there and paved the way for our every move to get there, paved the way to get the best care for my cancer as well as how he continues to lead us even today.  We shared about my heart and passion for Spiritual Direction and how the Lord clearly confirmed that as my calling.  As we shared I was overwhelmed by the goodness of the Lord and how faithful He has been.  I am so thankful for all the ways we have experienced God's presence, voice, and calling and love for us over the years.

Last week marked 3 years since we landed back in Canada as well as marking 2 years since I have been on TPN (still doing 3 nights a week and in 3 years I have gone from 77 lbs to 94 lbs).  When I look at where I am now it can be easy to feel discouraged and like my body is no where near where doctors told me it would be at this point in time.  However, when I look back at how bad things were 3 years ago, or even 2 years ago, I do see improvements.  I do see increased energy and my body is figuring out a new normal with the TPN, all my meds I take daily to aid in the short bowel syndrome, as well as the new supplements I am taking to help with my body absorbing nutrients and minerals and they have also really helped my Thyroid levels (and other blood work levels) to finally get into the normal range for the first time in 3 years. 3 years ago we didn't think I'd still be alive today.  So we rejoice that at this point I am still cancer free or NED (no evidence of disease) and I walk into my CT scan on July 2nd with hope that it will be a clear scan.

When I reflect on my faith I see how the deep/dark/scary valley of the shadow of death caused me to fix my eyes on Jesus who is the author and perfecter of my faith.  I am not someone who can easily debate faith, religions, theology, or other hot topics.  I am not up on apologetics.  But what I can tell you is that all that I have had to walk through has only deepened my faith and my resolve to follow Jesus.  All I have been dealt in life has only increased my compassion and love for others and my desire to walk alongside others in their own grief and spiritual journeys.  All I have experienced has only opened my eyes to all the ways God has lavished His love on me and NEVER left my side through it all.  They ways I have experienced God in my life has given me an increased passion to pray that others around me would experience Him for themselves rather than just read about Him in the Bible.  It's one thing to know about God and another thing to truly KNOW Him and experience His presence and His love for you.

In May of this year I finished my first year of the School of SPIRITUAL DIRECTION.  If you look back at one of my posts from last summer you will hear how God spoke to me and confirmed this direction after I had a weekend watching my monarch caterpillars emerge from their chrysalises as amazing butterflies.  I was overjoyed this past week to notice 3 little caterpillars starting to munch on my milkweed this year.  It's been an amazing year and I have grown so much in my gifting/calling and ability to contemplate the presence of Jesus as well as learning how to better walk alongside others on their journeys.  If you want to know more about Spiritual Direction or know someone who might be interested in some sessions with me please check out my website: www.midwifetothesoul.wordpress.com

This summer we had hoped we would be able to go on a road trip to see the Grand Canyon as well as make our way down to California to see dear friends who used to live in our neighborhood with us when we lived overseas.  However, thanks to Covid and closed borders we won't be doing any travel of that kind.  Instead we decided to rediscover our own province and had enjoyed a couple of day trips so far this month.  We plan to hopefully head up north later this summer to see my family and enjoy some of the beauty of the north with the waterfalls, fishing and my dad's cabin.  We take things day by day and hold our plans lightly.  The kids have been so disappointed with so many fun activities and special dates being canceled that we know that we have to hold plans loosely these days.  We also have bought a new house and move in come October.  This house has truly been a gift and a blessing these past 3 years.  Yet we are excited about our move and have already started to declutter and think about packing up.  We look forward to a yard that backs out on to the river.  Through Covid I realized once again how much nature is calming for my soul and a great way that I connect with Jesus.  I look forward to nights watching sunsets, being amazed at the star-filled skies and opportunities to skate on the river when it freezes in the winter.

Almost 3 yrs and YACC (scroll to bottom to learn more)

Yesterday morning I woke up to a message from a dear friend asking if I'd be willing to get in contact with her friend who just discovered he has appendix cancer.  I told her I would do my best to get in contact and answer any questions he and his wife had if I was able to.

Later in the day I noticed my pink boxing gloves in my china cabinet.  Remember those?  The boxing gloves my husband gave me to encourage me to fight this horrible disease.  The encouraging words and verses that are written on them from friends and family who walked alongside us.  I remember when I was wasting away and had little fight left in me.  My husband put the gloves on my hand and took a picture.  He sent it in a mass email to our support network asking them to pray for me because I didn't have much strength left to fight.  I felt like I was in despair and I needed the army of prayer warriors to pound the doors of heaven on my behalf.

As I looked at these gloves I took note that on the 19th of January it will have been 3 years since my surgery to remove my appendix because they thought I had appendicitis.  And on the 25th is will have been 3 yrs since I heard the CANCER word for the first time.  I realized that in that moment, while looking at my gloves, that in some ways it feels like forever since that all happened or that in some ways it didn't really happen at all.  It was such a long, horrifically painful and scary journey.  Then I am reminded of the limitations of my body that I still deal with daily.  I am reminded of the port still in me that it used for the TPN I still get 3 nights a week.  I am reminded of how horrible it all was but also how far I have come and how far I still have to go. 

I was able to talk with this couple that I mentioned about above.  With a new diagnosis the fear of the unknown is real.  I totally understand.  Needing to get second opinions and discover if he is a candidate for the HIPEC surgery/chemo that I had had.  They wanted to hear my story and get some encouragement.  I shared about the gloves.  I shared how I filled my head and heart with verses, worship songs, and Christian podcasts in the months I was in the hospital.  I shared how I clung to Jesus and how even though I fought a rare and aggressive cancer (which he is not fighting) that our God is RARE and AGGRESSIVE too.  I was able to pray for them.  I don't believe God purposely puts us through such heartache but I do believe that he REDEEMS these difficulties and that there are many opportunities for us to walk alongside others who face similar difficulties as we had.  If you are reading this please pray for Aaron as he has a long road ahead of him.

Tonight I gathered with some women from our LOCAL life group through YACC (Young Adults Cancer Canada).  This group is for people ages 18 to 39.  It was neat to be in a room with a number of people who have either fought or are fighting the battle with various forms of cancer.  We can go from sharing about our cancer journeys to laughing and playing games and talking about normal life.  I am thankful for this new group of people I am slowly getting to know.

In May, here in our city, we are having the YACC SURVIVOR'S Conference.  https://youngadultcancer.ca/program/survivor-conference/ To learn more about the survivor conference you can click on the link to read more about it.  It will be a few day conference where we will have sessions and activities.  I believe this will be a great place for my husband to connect with others who are supporters to loved ones facing cancer.  I have had a lot of support over the last 3 yrs and have found many others who I can relate with and talk with about cancer and how it has affected my life but he hasn't necessarily to that same extent.  So I am thankful he's able to join me at this conference. I am thankful to my family who will care for my kids.  I look forward to the sessions and hopefully I will find some ways to help manage the stress and anxiety that I have experienced post cancer diagnosis.  Hopefully sharing my story in a room with many others as well as listening to their stories will bring healing and encouragement as well. 

There will be people from across Canada coming to this conference and I hear the wait list to get in is LONG.  We are doing a number of fundraisers as Team Manitoba to help raise funds for those of us living in MB to be able to help reduce the cost to attend the conference.  If you are looking for something to donate to this is a great cause! https://youngadultcancer.akaraisin.com/pledge/Team/Home.aspx?seid=21166&mid=10&tid=276627 Just click on this link and it will take you to our TEAM Manitoba home page where you can donate. 

December 2019

Wow, I can't believe this year is almost over!  I realize I have been pretty inconsistent with my blog posts.  I find I am usually more on FB or IG these days.  However many of you read my blog who are not on other social media so I want to promise I'll post more this next yr. I have appreciated each of you who take time to read or check in to see how I, we, are doing.  Thank You!

In October I had my CT Scan and it said that there was no evidence of disease.  I am awaiting my tumor marker blood work results.  I get that done a couple times a year since we know that the scans are not always telling the full story of what's going on or what is not going on inside me. 

I continue to be on TPN 3 nights a week.  I am sure the doctors wish I was on more nights a week but I really don't want to be.  Not having a gripper needle in for part of the week feels so much more freeing than it was when I was on TPN 6 nights a week.  We'll see what they say when I see them next week.  At my last appointment they told me that they figured I'd be on TPN for awhile because it seems I can't stay at a good weight.  I was up to 97 lbs but seem to fluctuate now at 93 or 94 lbs.  They realized that going off would mean my body would need to figure out how to absorb those calories I wouldn't be taking in via TPN and well we all know my body has issues with absorption. 

In a couple weeks I will be celebrating my 39th birthday.  1 more year and I will be 40.  Some how knowing that I am so close to 40 stirs up some emotions.  2.5 yrs ago I didn't think i'd make it to see my 40th birthday.  I am so thankful that I am alive and able to see my kids grow up.  I am thankful that I get to tuck them in, listen to their hurting hearts and be there to process with them.  If I hit the big 40 I think I will need to gather with some close friends and family and celebrate!  Next year will be a year of celebrations as my Grandpa turns 100, my Dad turns 70, my uncle 60, my bro in law turns 50 and I turn 40!

A friend sent us a book this week called TEAR SOUP https://www.amazon.ca/Tear-Soup-Recipe-Healing-After/dp/0961519762/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=tear+soup&qid=1575661800&sr=8-1
I highly recommend this book.  Our kids continue to process all of the heartache and loss we have experienced.  My little girl is easily moved to tears when she learns someone else has cancer or when she expresses her fear that I might die or get sick again.  My son doesn't like to talk about our former life before cancer nor the heartache we walked through to get to where we are today.  It's just too painful.  But this book was such a gift.  We cuddled on the couch and read it together.  It enabled us to process some of the pain and grief and actually name it.  I highly recommend this gift for anyone dealing with grief.

I am really enjoying my studies and I look forward to my meetings with my directees.  It's neat to see the Lord meet us in our sessions and I feel like I come alive when I am able to walk alongside others or partake in my classes.  I realize this is truly where the Lord wants me right now.  It's a place where I am gifted but also it is a season where the Lord is growing and maturing my gifts and passions.  He's refining me so I can be a better listener and soul companion for those He brings into my life.  I had the privilege of partaking in a mini online summit my friend Joyce put together this weekend.  Public speaking, or sharing my story to bigger audiences is something I'd love to grow more in and be more brave at doing.

This Christmas we are working through a devotional book daily focusing on the names of God.  I love this time of year.  It's when we get to celebrate my birthday and Christmas.  It's a time of lots of quality time with my little family playing games, sleeping in the living room and just being together.  It's a time to really reflect on the true reason why we celebrate Christmas in the first place.  When I look back on 2019 I would say it was actually a really difficult year, full of much uncertainty, confusion, issues that needed to be dealt with, heartache over things happening with my kids, feeling alone, and wondering what purpose I had.  I am so thankful for my counselor and spiritual director, and a little group of like-minded women that I met with once a month for prayer. It's important for people to find safe people in their lives that they can really share the depths of what's in one's heart.  This is what I long to be for the women that God brings into my life.  I long to be that soul companion helping others find freedom and an awareness of God in their lives.  Come September, when I started my classes there was a little shift.  A friend said they noticed peace and more settledness in me.  Even though other circumstances hadn't really changed the Spirit was at work and enabling me to walk in my calling, to sense His purpose for me, and to change my mindset more to one of gratitude and contentment. I look forward to seeing how the Lord continues to refine me and meet me through my studies and how He'll use this in the future to bless others. 

Midwife to the Soul

     Some times we receive prophetic words and they are not meant for the time they are given to us.  And yes we need to pray about all prophetic words that we hear and test them to make sure they line up with scripture and with God's truth.  Some times we are given a word and we forget about it for while until something reminds us about it.  Some times it's years later that those words are meant for.  Some times we go through a tough season after getting a word and we need to cling to the word that was given to us trusting that God had spoken. 

     Years ago, in summer of 2015 I was sharing in a church about my heart for the women back in the country we were working in.  I shared some of the stories from some of my local friends who were abused by husbands or other family members.  My heart broke for those women and I wanted people back here in Canada to pray for them. 

    After sharing a couple came up to talk to us.  We knew the husband from back in 2004 when we met during our first year of marriage on the TREK program.  This was the first time I had met his wife though.  We talked about our shared passion for counseling and for those who are broken.  She said she had a word for me, "Midwife to the Soul."  I stewed on this for awhile after.  I had prayed and hoped I'd be able to be part of seeing many spiritual births, people surrendering their lives to Jesus. 

    To be honest life went on and then I got sick and we moved back here and I have felt stuck.  I felt like I was just coasting through life trying my best to look and act like a healthy mom so my kids didn't have to worry.  Spending much time trying to help my kids adjust to life in Canada which has not been easy (and my heart has been broken many times over as I have seen my kids struggle to feel accepted by peers or to feel at home here) and trying to do what I can to gain strength and health. I was a "sick" mom who worried my cancer would return.  But something shifted in me this summer as I watched my monarch caterpillars become butterflies.  New life/hope was birthed into my soul.  I felt led to take steps towards my dream of becoming a Spiritual Director.  Over the years I realized that counseling wasn't really what I wanted because my passion was to help people grow in their relationship with Jesus.  I wanted to walk with those who found themselves jaded in their faith due to hard seasons they were in.  I wanted to help people solidify their faith and grow in their prayer lives.  So I used to tell people I either wanted to eventually become a Counselor or a Spiritual Director. 

     I signed up for a 2 yrs course to become a Spiritual Director in August. A lot of the home work can be done from home which is perfect for me.  I will have 5 weekend classes in the city each year.  I start my first weekend class in the city this weekend.  I am really looking forward to it and am praying I'll be awake and alert and my short gut issues will not be bad during this time because I want to get all I can out of what I am being taught.  Finally my gifts and my passions will be able to be used. 

     Well we had to read 2 books so far.  This past week I found this quote in one of my books entitled "Candlelight" by Susan S. Philips, “Several metaphors have been used to describe spiritual direction, and an especially robust one is that of midwifery.  Spiritual directors are present striving to be helpful, as new life stirs in another.  We have been trained to know some of the stages, potential complications, and appropriate emergency procedures, but each birth is a miracle to which we bear witness. We come alongside the person who is laboring, taking risks, and putting a former life on the line for the promise of a new one.”  

      I was just packing my bag as I am going to stay in the city for the nights seeing as I have 2 full days of classes.  I picked up my next book that I am supposed to read and quickly flipped through it.  My eyes caught a title so I looked again and sure enough there the words were as a chapter title: MIDWIFE TO THE SOUL.  It caught my breathe.  I started to cry, joy filled tears.  It was another little confirmation that I am on the right path and this is the direction the Lord has for me in this season of my life.  I look forward to journeying with Him and those He brings into my path for me to walk alongside of.  Today those 4 words have filled my heart with joy and peace.  God's up to something in me and I'm keeping my eyes open and am ready to join Him in whatever that looks like. 

Back to School

Wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote on my blog.  A quick update is that I have continued to sit at around 95 to 96 lbs since January.  I hook up to TPN 3 nights a week.  I have wrestled with anxiety in more ways these past 2 and a half yrs than I have before I got sick.  My hubby asked me the other day how much the whole TPN thing adds to my anxiety.  I think it does add to it some what.  I was able to have 2 weeks off this summer so we could go on a vacation up north to see my family and a vacation to Wisconsin Dells which was wonderful.  I would go back to Wisconsin in a heart beat.  It was so beautiful and we met so many people from Turkey there which felt like a little piece of home brought to us.  Anyways, I see my TPN Dr. at the end of September and I am considering asking them to allow me to have a month off of TPN and see how I fair.  I have a CT scan coming up in October.  I have a hernia or two on my left side above my belly button.  I'm told no surgeon will want to see me about it or try anything at this point for fear they'd make things worse or there would be complications due to all my scar tissue.  So at this point unless it gets worse I need to be careful with heavy lifting, etc. 

Next week my little girl starts school full time.  I'll have 1 kid in elementary school and one in Jr. High.  It's crazy.  My youngest was in tears today.  Her grandma, who was the school librarian, retired and so K is sad. She won't have grandma there to check on her and she's sad she won't have her Kindergarten teacher either, who apparently was always available to give hugs when K was sad.  Transitions and change are hard!  But I'm sure once she gets settled in she'll do just fine as she's social and will be excited to be with her friends.

With both my kids being in school full time I knew I wanted to do something for myself this fall.  I daily live with chronic pain and know my capacity isn't what it used to be but I wanted to focus on something that would help me look forward instead of looking daily at my limitations, would help me use my gifts, and also eventually help my family with some extra income so we could save up what we need to eventually get back to Turkey to say goodbye to our friends there and get the proper closure we didn't get when we left 2 yrs ago. 

When I was pregnant with Isaiah I took a couple of seminary classes towards my Masters in Counseling.  I went back to that seminary this summer to ask if those classes would still be able to count for my Masters and what it would look like to start focusing on finishing that degree.  After a campus tour and visit I felt that I wasn't ready to jump in head first.  I will admit my brain has SLOWED DOWN big time from all me meds, lack of sleep, trauma, etc.  I just didn't think I'd be ready to pump out 20 page papers any time soon.

My first of 4 ER trip visits before I was diagnosed with Cancer was around the time I took at 3 day LIFE COACHING training in November of 2016.  I wanted to finish that and do a 5 day course that was being offered in Seattle.  But by the time I went to apply I was told the course was full and I was put on the wait list.

All the while, I had monarch caterpillars in glass jars in my house.  I would often be found alone, watching them eat, form a J, looking at the chrysalis and waiting for the butterflies to emerge.  In this time I would pray, sit and listen for the Lord's gentle voice and leading in my life.  I felt like he had something new for me.  It was a beautiful experience to watch 4 of them emerge within 20 mins on a Sunday morning.  It was time for new beginnings.

A friend I had met during our DEBRIEF when we returned 2 yrs ago mentioned that she was going to do a SPIRITUAL DIRECTION course in the city.  This totally peeked my interested because for years I would tell people I wanted to eventually pursue my education to be a counselor or a spiritual director.  I knew that in whatever profession I chose I wanted my faith to be evident and my relationship with Jesus to be something I didn't need to shy away from.  Isaiah 61 is my heart.  I have a heart for women and long to see them find freedom in their lives.  I long be there to help walk alongside the brokenhearted and to be a comfort to those in mourning.  I applied for the course and when I had my phone interview the man interviewing me asked me what my experience was with spiritual direction.  I was able to say that I first experienced it right after my first miscarriage.  Through infertility, loss and sickness over the years spiritual direction has helped me seek out Jesus when part of me felt so jaded and alone.  I believe much healing occurred in my heart through Spiritual Direction.  The man interviewing me said he was excited to see where the Lord would take me with this because he said he knows from experience that seasons of loss or infertility or sickness are a time when people wonder what Jesus is up to in their lives.

When I have told a couple of friends about this they have said things like, "That's so you!"  I got my final acceptance today and I am excited to learn and grow in my own walk with Jesus as well as be there to walk alongside others. 

I only need to do 5 weeks in the city in 9 months and the rest I get to do at home so I am happy about that.  The papers won't be as academic as seminary would be.  For now I will do the first yr and after that consider taking the 2nd yr or look into my counseling certificate.  I don't need to stress about the future, I'll take it one day at a time but for now I'm just excited to be able to have space and time to really pour into my giftings, my relationship with Jesus, and to continue to allow Him to work in my heart in areas I need freedom and healing from.  If you think of it please pray for continued healing for all of us from all we've been through, for adjustments for us as I start school and my kiddos transition in school as well. 

Health Update

Yesterday was a full and long day.  Thankfully I managed to be able to have 3 appointments in one day.  This saves on the number of times I need to go into the city but just made the day tiring.

First up was my surgeon.  I had my 4 surgeries done in 2017 overseas but when we moved back last summer I was assigned a surgeon here that I see once a yr in case the cancer were to come back and we'd need to consider surgery again.

This Dr. is young.  My husband thinks he has the best bedside manner of any Dr. we've seen.  And I have seen A LOT over the years.  Usually I have to wait an hour or more to see him past my appointment time, but once I do see him he is so patient and willing to answer any questions that I have.

I have been in pain for over 6 weeks now.  Maybe more like 8 weeks and the pain has seemed to have gotten worse since the holidays.  Now yes, over the holidays I ate more freely, and foods that I knew might hurt me but I wanted to enjoy food too.  However it's not all because of something I ate.  I just know there are nights I am up many times to use the washroom and many times I crawl back into bed, hug a pillow and wimper in pain.  There are days it's so bad I am in tears.  But most people can't see that.  They just see that I look healthier.  And when I look at a picture my daughter has in her room and compare it till now I can see that difference too.  It's amazing how going from 80 lbs to 94 lbs makes a huge difference.  A lot of that weight gain has been hydration but I have also put on weight all thanks to TPN.

January 19th marks 2 years since my appendix was removed and the 26th marks 2 years since I was told I had Goblet Cell Adenocarcinoma.  So after 4 surgeries total I have been told I am NED (there is no evidence of disease on scans and on bloodwork).  The surgeon told me yesterday that it's an aggressive cancer so if it were to come back it is highly likely to come back in the first 2 yrs.  So this means that I might have a better chance of a longer survival because it hasn't shown up in the last 2 years.  He informed me I will still need to be followed up on for years yet to come.  So this is the good news.  But what about all my pain.  Perhaps the HIPEC (hot chemo) did damage to my intestines.  Perhaps the scar tissue is causing issues.  Perhaps my nerves in my intestines that are left have been damaged.  Whatever the case there isn't much we can do.  And if the cancer did come back he's not even sure he could do a second HIPEC on me.  I am on many many different meds and supplements.  Some days I don't get around to taking them all cause I keep forgetting what and when to take them and need to make sure I time everything out right too.  I see my pain doctor next week so will see what he says.  I have a scan in spring to see if anything shows up on there.  I asked him if he has seen anyone with as bad of a short bowel syndrome as I have and he said no.  Guess I am special.

 Notice how tired and boney my face looked in the picture below.  That was a week before we moved back to Canada summer of 2017.

Growing up my Dad always would say, "God loves you and you're special."  When I met with the surgeon I was fighting back tears in our meeting.  I had asked about getting a bag (ileostomy type thing).  I have been considering this and have been praying about if for the last 2 months.  However, he informed me that it wouldn't be a good idea.  He actually said it could be dangerous for me.  That I would become more dehydrated.  That in the process of the surgery I would lose even more bowel of the little I already have.  He worried about too much scar tissue and causing some fistulas inside my body from the surgery.  So I was discouraged and wondered if I would ever experience a day without the pain, discomfort and countless bathroom trips.  

Next we talked about my stress levels (over my health, family issues, and other things) and how that might be contributing to some of the pain.  I have been reading a lot about the whole gut/brain connection so I was kinda happy when the doctor assistant brought that up.  Anyways, due to finances I have not regularly gone to see my counselor.  They are looking into setting me up with someone through cancer care or seeing if I can get my counselor sessions free.  As I was leaving the surgeon's nurse came in.  She told me she was there any time I wanted to talk.  Then she said, "I know it's hard.  You used to "work overseas" right?"  I guess she remembered from before.  When I said yes, the tears came again.  I used to do that and now I struggle to know what to do with my life now.  She told me she was praying for me.  Right there in the office...Yes I was reminded I am special.  That God does love me and I even have health care professionals praying for me.  I am incredibly thankful for the caring medical team God has placed around me.  This is NOT an easy journey but I am also NOT alone!

I am feeling that this year I really need to press into my alone times with Jesus, to reading the Word and to arm myself with His truths.  I don't know how long I have to live so I need to not live life worrying about being politically correct and worrying about offending someone because of my beliefs and love for Jesus, or keeping up with what's all the latest and greatest things in the world.  Instead I need to make sure I sit and soak in HIS presence.  It can be stressful for me to have too much on the go so I am realizing all the more that out of my times with Jesus, He will fill me up and I can pour out from that place.  It's time with HIM that is the first step to working on my stress and health issues.  

The next doctor I saw was my gynecologist.  I see her once a year.  She is really sweet.  I am not pumped at all to be on hormone replacements but she reminded me again of the risks of having a hysterectomy at my age.  Due to how thin and small I am, to the fact that I am on TPN and struggle to absorb my nutrients properly, I am at more of a chance to get a heart attack or a stroke over getting breast cancer. She reminded me again of the importance of daily taking my calcium and Vit. D.  Those things I tend to forget about because I'm too busy taking my other meds.  She also wants me to do more strength training.  This is a year to get healthier emotionally and physically I hope.  

My last appointment was seeing my GI specialist.  We talked about how I have gained 10 lbs since I started TPN in June.  Due to my gut pain and issues starting next week they will increase the nutrients and calories in my TPN bags for a week.  This means I don't have to eat.  They are hoping this gives my gut a break and my intestines a rest.  I will need to eat a little here and there to keep my reactive hypoglycemia at bay.  This is a trial and I will also do this 6 nights and only get 1 night off instead of the 2 nights off that I have been enjoying.  Right now the bare minimum they want me to get to is 97 lbs.  That's only 3 lbs away.  The GI doctor noted that my IRON levels have been dropping over the last 4 visits going from a low 20 down to 12. This could be the reason for my exhaustion, tummy pain, etc.  I will be going next week for an IRON iv infusion which will take a couple of hours.  And my GI Dr. did say he's seen worse cases of short gut than might so I guess that's a positive thing to know it could always be worse.  My TPN nurse also asked me to get used to inserting my own gripper. Right now I have two nurse friends that come and take turns doing it once a week because I can't stand the thought of putting this needle into my tiny port and hoping I get it into the right spot.  I used to be so afraid of needles as a kid I'd go to the health nurse to get them rather than at school.  I would cry my eyes out in fear of needles.  So it will be another step in having to do this to myself.  This gripper needle is in my 5 to 6 days a week.  I was hoping to get off TPN soon but the doctor said, NOT IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

So that was my day yesterday.  I am thankful my hubby took the day off of work to drive me to my appointments and chat with the doctors together with me.  I am thankful for all of you who pray for me regularly. I have been listening to this song lately and soaking on the words.

38 and end of 2018

There have been some thoughts swirling around in my head since my birthday last week.  I remember being in high school and thinking someone who was 38 or close to 40 was really OLD!  Now I am here and realize in 2 yrs I will be 40 yrs old.

So what I am about to share is me being really honest. Please don't read too much into it though. When I was in Jr. and Sr. high I struggled with some depression along with anorexia, loneliness and other things.  I was a pretty morbid thinker in some ways.  Often planning my funerals and who I would want to be my pallbearers (which changed based on friendships changing) or what music I wanted played at my funeral.  When I was around 17/18 years of age, I remember telling my boyfriend, at the time, that I had this thought in my head that I wasn't going to live past the age of 40.  I was really hoping Jesus would return by then.  I was yearning for HIS return already back then.

Years have passed and I received healing for the anorexia and the depression.  I still feel lonely at times but God has blessed me with some incredible friendships near and far.  And I have gotten better at not being so morbid and choosing to think more positively.  I really haven't thought much about being 40 until this past week.  The night before my 38th birthday the reminder of that conversation years prior flooded my memory.  It was like I was plagued with the reality that if that truly was going to happen I now had 2 yrs to fully LIVE.  Ofcourse I ask the Lord for another 20 or more.  I really want to see my kids get baptized, grow up, get married, have kids, etc.  I want to grow old with my husband and see more of the world with my little family.

I have not fully lived life to the fullest this last yr. It has been a very difficult year.  My health continued to be a struggle, had many Dr. appointments, sleepless nights, boughts of pain and exhaustion and ended up having to go on TPN (getting nutrition through my port 5 nights of week).  There has been little peace in my home, especially in the last 5 months or so.  And when the kids would fight with each other or push back at our parenting I had little patience to deal with it in a loving and patient manner.  This resulted in my own tone or impatient/anger adding to the already lacking peace in my home.  My hubby and I had some differing views on a certain topic and we have had to learn to work through that.  I have had some nights where I just wish the Lord would take me so I'd be free of this sickness and pain and where I could spare my family from the burden that I felt I was to them.  I have days where I still wonder why we had to move back to Canada.  What is life supposed to look like for me now?  What good am I like this to those around me.  What do I have to offer when I am so broken.  Is this why some of my friendships have changed...people don't want to be around me like this?  But then I am reminded that for some reason He's keeping me alive.  I have to remind myself that I am doing better than I was a year ago.  I can only hope that this time Dec of 2019 I will be doing even better.  Hopefully by then I will no longer be on TPN and my short gut syndrome will have improved greatly.  I have to remind myself that I have 2 precious kids and an amazing husband who still need their mom and wife around.  I have to choose gratitude and positivity.  I have started to see a counselor that I can cry infront of and be utterly honest with and I have a prayer mentor in my life that I share with from time to time.  We also have an amazing counselor for my kiddos and our last session was a family session.  It was so good for the 4 of us to work together with her.  We are not perfect.  I won't ever claim to be.  I need Jesus cause without him I don't know where I'd be.  I am working on MINDSET.  It's something I am trying to teach my kids and something I have had to work on as well for myself.  And on January 25th I am looking forward to attending a SET FREE conference as I know there are a number of areas in my life that I need to find freedom and healing in.

So, No I don't think I will die in 2 yrs.  But those thoughts have floated in my head and it has made me look at life and my family differently these past 2 weeks.  I have chosen to really make family time special even when all I wanted to do was be alone and lie in bed.  Even when I did not feel well I made sure we went sled shopping on my B-day so we could enjoy that evening sledding together the 4 of us.  I have forced myself to "have it together" in a sense around my kids as best as I can knowing that my little girl still has a hard time with me needing nurses to come into my home weekly and monthly to give me needles and help with TPN stuff.  I have recognized the different character issues/areas in my life that I need to work on as well.  Truly humbling and now I pray for the energy to do the hard work at learning how to manage my stress levels and allowing the Lord to refine my character to be more of his likeness.

This past week has been pretty wonderful.  No commitments, no gatherings, just the 4 of us and it's been good for us to have quality time together with much more peace in our home.  It's been a breath of much needed fresh air.  That said, I am little worried how it will go once my hubby is back to work full time and school and after school activities start up again (not that my kids have too much going on in the week). 

 My little girl though can be found at time to time with her head hung low or curled in a corner and saying she misses her grandpa who died before she turned 1.  I think it's her way of expressing all the grief she feels over missing our friends and life overseas, her grandpa and as she puts it "him not being able to see her grow up" and her struggling to see me still needing my needles and port. So I long to bring normalcy for her.

I am someone who feels stressed with a messy/cluttered home.  I am working at de-cluttering and wanting to take more steps in the New Year to be of a more minamilistic mindset.  To be honest I would far rather travel or create memories with my kids than to have stuff.  I am also realizing that I need to let go of my expectations and just BE.

And this past weekend as I asked the Lord what word He wants for me in 2019 I found myself on my knees as tears rolled down my cheeks.  I have been hearing the word "light" for weeks now.  A desire to be a light to my kids and have the light of Jesus flow out of me to them and thus to others.  To know He is my light in the darkness and to bring the light/love of Jesus to those walking in darkness.  But then I listened to a talk online from the IHOP OneThing2018 weekend.  Someone shared the verse from Isaiah 62:4-5. This person said, "Hephzibah the Lord delights in you!"  He challenged us to insert our name.  To soak in the knowledge that God delights in us as we are...no matter what we have or have not done.  I sat on my knees soaking in the knowledge that He delights in me.

So my word for 2019...DELIGHT.  And light is in that word.  I want to delight myself in The presence of Jesus.  I sat in the red chair in the corner of the living room before the rest woke up today journaling, reflecting and sitting with Jesus.  This I want to do more of.  I am So so hungry for more of Jesus and less of me.  I just get in the way afterall.  I am so craving the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, family, church and community.  I also want to delight more in the knowledge that He Delights In Me! Zephaniah 3:17.

And then I want to delight more in my kids and hubby.  To stop the tasks I am doing and delight more in what it is they want to show me or tell me.  To be a more present mom.  Here's to 2019.