Upcoming CT Scan

 I have been updating on FB and IG but since this blog is about my health journey I should write it hear too, though I will try to be quick. I found myself in the ER twice since the end of April. I couldn't figure out why I was having horrific pain, a bulging side that felt like my intestine was about to burst through and I was unable to really go to the bathroom and for someone with short gut syndrome, who takes many meds to slow things down, this was abnormal.  The pain was horrific and the 2nd time I was in the ER I was puking up bile (and my husband had to stop along the drive to empty my puke bowl into the ditch a couple of times on the 45 minute drive there and I continued to puke a few times in the hospital too.  This happened to be the night of Mother's Day.  Not a fun way to end a good day.  They swabbed me for Covid but since I didn't have symptoms they sent me upstairs and put me in a room with a roommate.  I swear I got this massive headache/migraine after the swab.  Hydromorphone wasn't even kicking the headache that they had to give me some other kind of medication as well for those next couple days I was in the hospital.  I had a CT scan and an x-ray.  There was talk of surgery but in the end this country hospital didn't feel they were the right place nor did they have surgeons who wanted to handle my complicated anatomy and medical situation/healthy history.  So I went home two days later.  

However, and hour before I was released I was informed that my swab results came back positive for Covid, which explained the massive headache, but I was in shock and pretty peeved actually.  I felt bad for the two roommates that I had because I really didn't know I had it. Once I got home I knew I needed to connect with my Spiritual Director and process with her and with Jesus the emotions I was wresting with.  I really think doing that helped me be in a better frame of mind for the next night when I found myself on the bathroom floor for most of the night.  

I was given medication to help with the nausea that I had been experiencing with I take my TPN and with these new issues in my body.  It was discovered that I have a number of gallstones and a narrowing bile duct so the gallstones can't pass through easily, my gallbladder is really low and basically on or really close to my bladder. My stomach is lower than it should be and the part that empties into the small intestine is collapsing so food is struggling to process through.  I also have a hernia in my diaphragm.  Wow, all of that and the doctors were unsure what was the actual cause of my symptoms.  I feel like I have been ping ponged in the last month to various different doctors from liver specialists, to surgeons to my oncologist, GP, and also  Anyways back to that medication.  When I took it once I was at home at night I found myself on the batthe HIPEC surgeon.  So I was released on a Tuesday and on Thursday night I found myself on the bahroom floor, nauseated, dizzy, and in horrific pain.  I was taking turns sitting on the toilet and throwing up and sleeping with my head on the rolls of toilet paper on the floor.  I cried out to Jesus to end the pain and my misery I was feeling.  I begged Him to just take me already. In fact the pain reminded me of when I was readmitted 4 yrs ago in the hospital.  The point where the pain was so bad I didn't know if I'd make it through the night.  I tried to imagine Jesus laying on the floor with me.  I had hooked up to TPN so I wasn't sure if it was that or Covid affecting my digestive system.  My dietician things I actually had an adverse reaction to that medication so I have not tried it since.  Once I was able to unhook from my 8 hours of TPN I crawled into bed, put on the song "WAY MAKER" and sang the words quietly.  A peace washed over me and I was able to sleep for a couple of hours before it was time to get up with the kids.  

Since then I have lost about 10 lbs and I  had about 4 or 5 other attacks but not as severe to send me back to the ER.  I know that I need to walk, apply heat, lay on my left side, stop eating and just go on a liquid diet when I feel an attack coming on.  I find it can last anywhere from a couple of hours to about 24 hours. My body wants to curl in on itself from the pain. 

I was assigned a surgeon but he didn't really want to open me up for fear he would maybe make my short gut syndrome worse and leave me in more of a state where I was reliant on TPN to live and eat. Because I wondered if I was dealing with some sort of reoccurrence I wanted my HIPEC surgeon to be consulted.  I talked with a couple of times recently.  Due to Covid in our province he said I will not be able to have a surgery where they open me up and one that requires an extensive stay and that would be the case if I had HIPEC.  At this point he doesn't feel I am dealing with a reoccurrence.  He feels it's an issue of scar tissue or something causing a small bowel obstruction.  I know that unless they open me up and really look they can't fully tell me there is not re-occurrence.  He wanted to see if the surgeons that saw me when I was admitted through the ER over Mother's Day would be willing to open me up and at least clear away some scar tissue.  But she said she didn't feel comfortable.  

So non of these specialists want to open me up.  No one is really sure what's happening to me and why. So now I am going to have a CT scan on Thursday.  This a different one than I normally have.  This time, 2 days before (so Tuesday) I am allowed to eat but after 7 pm I have to stop eating.  Then on Wednesday I have to have a "liquid only" diet day.  Thursday I am to not eat or drink anything and I need to take special medication just before the scan to really clean me out.  This will be super uncomfortable.  But the hope is that if I a really cleaned out they will be able to see where these strictures or obstructions are happening.  To be honest at this point I am just hoping they find something if there is anything to find.  If they can find something on the scan they may be more willing to open me up and trying to "fix" something.  

I know something is wrong, When I have these attacks I struggle to function well through the pain.  I am thankful for this past week where I have had a few 'good' days and have even been able to help with yard work and yard projects.  

So if you happened to have read all of this please pray for my upcoming scan on Thursday.  And for favor with the doctors.  That God would reveal to them what is happening inside of me.  After all He knit me together in my Mother's womb and knows me so well.

A Kayak meets a Dam

I have had this song running through my head since Monday night.  Our friends lent us their kayaks and canoe for a couple of days.  We enjoyed exploring our river for the first time this way.  I will say it was really fun and I am already dreaming of the day we can own one of our own so we can use it more in spring.  We've had SO much rain that it was really interesting to see how the river kept rising over the 3 days that we had went on the river.  It's isn't a super long stretch that we can canoe on due to a dam that isn't too far up the river from us.  

My husband was in the canoe with my daughter.  I asked him to hold onto my phone as I figured it would be safer in a canoe than a kayak in case I fell in for some reason. My son and I were each in a kayak.  We went into a little area that was super full of algae.  It looked interesting so I figured I'd take a picture.  I mentioned that I wanted to take a picture and my husband said, "Memories are better.  Let's just enjoy this."  And I said, "Yes but a picture can jog a memory."  So he came close to my kayak and gave me my phone.  I snapped these pictures.  My husband told me to put my phone in my pocket but I tucked it into bra as I wasn't sure it I would fall out I wanted to make sure I wouldn't lose it or it wouldn't fall out of my pocket. 

Then we carried on to the main part of the river up to the dam.  See below.   My friend heard this story today and then sent me this picture.  I have never seen this sign before.  Maybe it was put up after my experience on Monday.😂  

So my husband and daughter were in the canoe and as they got close to the dam not only did they notice how high the river water was but my husband commented on how they were seeing fish trying to swim up the dam.  I couldn't see from where I was so I was a little impatient to try to see how big these fish were.  Turns out they were about 6 inches long. Well I guess I got too close with the kayak and the current and water flowing over the dam got me and took my kayak under.  Thankfully I was wearing a life jacket so my head didn't go fully under but I was soaked, my sandals went under the current and the kayak was water logged and stuck in the current.  Trev remained calm and encouraged me to swim hard and to the edge.  I managed to make my way to the edge and my son found my sandals as they were floating and tried hard to get the kayak out of the current.  We were worried it would take him under too. 

A couple of weeks ago I was telling my daughter about the dangers of having phones by baths as some have been electrocuted I forgot to mention it was when phones were charging.  Well she was crying and was worried that I was going to get electrocuted.   Trev eventually dropped my daughter off on the edge to stand by me.  He told my son to drop off his kayak at the edge.  I helped pull it up on the shore while he got into the canoe with Trev and together they would try to retrieve my kayak that was upright and unable to get free from the current.  Eventually they managed to get the handle and pull it towards our friends to drop it off.  Trev told me to carry my son's kayak on shore to our friends' place but I wasn't strong enough.  My daughter found someone to help me carry it while I was soaked and actually laughing about the whole thing.  My husband wanted to enjoy the memories but I am thankful for these pictures that will help jog our memories about this event.  

We got home and put my phone in a bag of rice for night and thankfully it survived the ordeal.  I haven't uploaded any of my pictures in the last 6 months onto my computer so I was worried I was gonna lose them.  

We had a little family meeting after and discussed the importance of life jackets and acknowledged how our family worked together in that little crisis.  Isolation and lockdowns and just some strong personalities in our little family means we don't always get along.  It was such a gift to be able to see how we banded together, listened to Trev's instructions and figure out how to rescue the one kayak and get the other one back as well.  All the while have some good laughs and new memories created.  Moral of the story:  ALWAYS WEAR A LIFE JACKET and DON'T GET TOO CLOSE TO THE DAM!

Graduation

Wow!  I am overcome with gratitude and a sense of accomplishment today.  This weekend was my last module class.  We moved back here 4 years ago because we weren't sure if the cancer would return.  We wanted to be near family and get the kids settled.  I used to tell people over the last 8 to 10 years that one day I'd love to be a Christian Counselor or a Spiritual Director.  I clearly remember the day two summers ago when I felt a blessing and release from the Lord to apply to the School of Spiritual Direction and to pursue this dream of mine.  It feels so serial to be alive and to have finished this program.  After these past 2 years I feel even more confident in the giftings that God has given me, the way that God has and is using the struggles I've endured, and the life lessons and experiences over my life to better equip others as I companion them on their own faith journeys.  What a humble, sacred blessing it is to be invited into the lives of people.  What a privilege it is to hear ones story and to help them see how Jesus is and has been at work in their lives.  They say "find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life."  Well that's how I feel with Spiritual Direction.  This is what I feel I was made for and something I hope to spend the rest of my life doing.  

Though we didn't get to meet in person due to Covid restrictions I am so thankful for Zoom and the connectedness and sense of family that can still be felt over screens.  We grieved the fact that one of our classmates was unable to join us as he is currently not well and battling with Covid in the ICU.  Please pray for our friend Peter and that he will come through this.  

We had a beautiful time sharing affirmations with each other and also being commissioned by our teacher as we now have completed our 2 year program through Sustainable Faith which is the largest Spiritual Direction school in North America.  When I left my life overseas I found myself feeling pretty lonely.  I missed feeling spiritually connected with friends who I could share deeply with.  These dear classmates of mine became family.  They became a body of believers that I could share my tears of joy and sorrow with and they became cheerleaders and prayer warriors for me as well. With restrictions causing churches to stop meeting, or only having online services, these class times became like Church for me in a sense as well. I am thankful for their friendship and look forward to finding ways to stay connected in the future.  If you are on the lookout for a Spiritual Director I highly recommend any of these dear friends.  If you are curious about Spiritual Direction and want to learn more or have questions please don't be afraid to reach out to me.

I wish we could have been in person today to have our little commissioning service in person.  It would have been awesome to celebrate together face to face.  For now I will sit and marvel at the work God has done in my own life over these last two years. I sit in the gratitude I feel for this opportunity I had to learn and grow in my own walk with Jesus as well as learn and grow to be the Spiritual Director the Lord wants me to be.  All glory and praise goes to HIM!

Another procedure

 I have not been feeling well since August.  The day we were moving out of our house I had some pain that felt like maybe a gall stone attack.  Over the last 8 months I have had an ultrasound, A LOT of blood work, a CT scan and an MRI.  In the blood work it kept showing my LFT's (Liver Function Test numbers) were rising or staying pretty high.  We couldn't figure out what the issue was.  What I knew was that on nights I was hooked up to TPN I would be nauseated at night and feel like or actually throw up in the morning, only to feel like staying in bed till noon that day.  Eventually the nausea, and at time puking, continued even on days that I wasn't on TPN.  

I found myself in the ER on Saturday.  I had horrific pain Friday night, and in the morning there was a hardness on the side of my gut which made my husband and I wonder if I had a small bowel obstruction.  I was in class online for my 2nd to last module in my Spiritual Direction training.  I had to ask they to record the rest of the class so I could get to the ER.  I am so thankful for the friends and family who helped take care of my kids so that I could get to the hospital.  In the end they were not fully sure what was up but assumed a slight small bowel obstruction which finally began to work it's way out of my system.  Once I suspected it I quit eating and spent hours drinking water, trying to flush my system.  Normally I am on multiple meds to help combat the chronic runs from the short gut syndrome I deal with.  However during this time I didn't need meds which made me realize something was up too.  

I finally got referred to a Liver Specialist and she ordered an MRI only a more specialized version so that they could see the ducts from my liver, gallbladder and pancreas as well as my abdomen.  This took place yesterday.  

Today I got a call from my specialist.  She informed me that I have a BILIARY DUCT STRICTURE.  At this point they are pretty sure it's not cancer as they don't see any tumors or masses.  That said my cancer never showed up on scans, nor as tumors 4 yrs ago.  So they way forward?  My specialist will be informing my TPN doctor who apparently can do a special procedure called and ERCT (Endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography).  The duct between my liver and intestine is narrowing and is a few centimeters long where this is happening.  On top of this I have gall stones.  I knew the one medication, the shot I get monthly that helps with the diarrhea but also is anti-tumoral for me, could eventually give me gall stones.  I was told that when I started on it 4 years ago.  But because it's anti-tumoral I will admit I am really nervous if they ask me to go off of it.  So they plan to go in, cut a slit into my intestine and take some samples.  If they need to they will use a balloon to inflate it and put in a stent.  

So how am I handling the news? I cried.  To be honest I was crying out to God this morning before the phone call asking for healing but also asking that something be found on the MRI because for months I knew something was wrong and I didn't want to feel like it was all in my head.  Hearing the word stricture through me for a loop.  It was December 2016 when I was told that the colonoscopy I had found a stricture between my large and small bowel.  It wasn't until a month later that we realized that structure was from the tumor that invaded my appendix and was pushing it's way into the intestine wall.  So I am trying to not worry.  I am trying not to show the tears or worry especially for my 7 yrs old as she has been in tears and clinging tonight, worried that I will have to stay in the hospital and having it retrigger the 4 months she barely saw in in 2017 when I was in and out of the hospital.  And tonight, the bloating, discomfort and pain is rising up again.  I am trying hard to not show the kiddos but I am beginning to wonder if I may need to see the ER again tonight.  

Please pray that I can get this procedure quickly.  Please pray for healing.  Please pray that the gall stones will disintegrate.  Pray that I stay healthy and that my family does as well so that I can get into this procedure.  Please pray for peace for my kids as they see me not feeling well and try to process it. Please pray that I can feel better as I wait.  It's been a hard week of not feeling well and lots of pain and discomfort as this stricture is hindering bile from getting through and doing what it needs to do.

 

4 years

 4 years ago my husband and I planned to go watch La La Land in the movie theatre but before we went on our date we had a quick meeting with the doctor to hear the results of the pathology report that they sent in after my emergency appendectomy 6 days earlier.  We were NOT expecting to hear the words: CANCER, GOBLET CELL CARCINOMA (adenocarcinoma) of the Appendix.  We were in shock.  We decided to go ahead and watch our movie, sitting there holding hands, shell-shocked by the news, and then let the loved ones in our lives about how our worlds were about to be turned upside down by this unexpected news.  I remember driving to a Life Coaching meeting (I was finishing up the 2nd to last session of training) and on the drive there, (I was in the passenger seat) I sent a message, tears streaming down my face, to my friends and family.  The 2 friends that I was doing my coaching session with met me at the door with wide open arms and tears of their own.  

It was so hard to tell me small kids that evening.  My son knew what cancer was after having had his grandpa pass away from colon cancer a couple years prior.  It all felt so scary and unknown.  And one week later I was heading into another surgery, this time to try to remove all the cancer with a right-hemicolectomy.  Only later to discover that there was even more cancer and I'd have to endure another 2 surgeries and a small procedure yet all before May of that year.  

I still can't explain the peace that I experienced in those desolate times.  I still can't fully explain how the presence of Jesus was felt as I was wheeled into each surgery or experienced through the love of family and friends.  I still can't fully explain how I even survived all of that other than that it was by God's grace and with the prayers and support of many around me.  

I recently looked back over update letters that we sent around that time. Seeing pictures of my small kids, knowing how traumatic it all was for them and how we are all still healing from what we experienced during that time.  I was in awe of little details like how many friends and family flew out to help take care of my kids, or sit with me in the hospital so my husband could spend time with them.  How when my husband sent the email saying we felt we needed to move back to Canada and asked for prayer for a fulfilling job that would provide for our family.  God has been abundantly gracious in providing a job that does just that for my husband. He's carried us, provided for us and loved on us.

Someone I know recently lost his wife to cancer.  Man I can't stand cancer.  Anyways, I couldn't bear the thought of his small kids not getting to have their mommy around.  My heart just broke.  I experienced "survivor's guilt" and struggled to know why I was still alive but why her small kids couldn't have their mommy live.  It seems cancer affects so many lives.  I didn't want to dwell on me but I looked for ways to be an encouragement and help provide some helpful books for him to help his kids in the grieving process.  My heart is so soft towards those who face cancer or infertility as those are 2 things that have impacted my life so significantly.  I just want to be an ear and a support where I can.

I can't explain how I was feeling last night but I just felt heavy.  I was trying to process the significance of this anniversary and the realization of how lonely I was feeling not being able to have friends and family to celebrate my 40th birthday last month and this special anniversary.  I choose to call it my Cancer Survivor Anniversary and later tonight my husband and I will watch LA LA LAND, our yearly tradition since getting my diagnosis.  Anyways, last night I chose to watch "Clouds" a true story movie about a teenage boy in his Sr. Year who had cancer.  At the end he said, "I just want people to know that you don't have to know that you are dying to really start living." I have made it 4 years and I want to really live to enjoy the next 4 and hopefully beyond that.  

I have not been feeling well since August, doctors have been monitoring my LFT blood work and they even switched my TPN (the nutrition I get 3 nights a week through my port) formulation but I continue to find myself have days of utter exhaustion, debilitating nausea (where some times I struggle to get my kids out the door to school or find it overwhelming to the point of tears like last Thursday because I didn't have energy to think about feeding my family).  Usually my capacity is 75% but lately it's been 50% or even as low at 30%.   For the past few months I had been feeling this way usually on a TPN hook up night but these past 2 weeks I continued to feel that way even when I wasn't getting TPN.  So I called my medical team and they ordered blood work a week and a half earlier than planned and now I am awaiting a phone call to find out when I will get a CT SCAN.  I should have gotten one in December but we decided to push it off a few months due to Covid.  However, after talking with my cancer team we decided to order a scan sooner than later just to be sure.  Thankfully the last 2 days I have been able to feel significantly better than I did last Thursday.  I take the TPN tonight again for the week so I'm curious how I'll feel in the morning. 

As a way to celebrate this 4 year anniversary I'd love to fundraise for CancerCare Manitoba Foundation. If you'd like to donate just click on this link: CancerCare Manitoba Foundation 

Even though I had all my surgeries overseas I have a wonderful medical team at Cancer Care who have followed up with me, taken care of me and encouraged me over these past 3.5 yrs.  I am beyond grateful for each of the nurses, doctors, dieticians, etc. 

I have been listening to a song called, "The Story I'll Tell" song by Maverick City Music

Lyrics: VERSE 1 The hour is dark, And it’s hard to see, What you are doin’, Here in the ruins And where this will lead, Oh but I know, That down through the years, I’ll look on this moment, See your hand on it And know you were here PRE CHORUS And I’ll testify of the battles you’ve won How you were my portion when there wasn’t enough I'll sing a song of the seas that we crossed The waters you parted The waves that I walked CHORUS OH OH OH My God did not fail OH OH OH it’s the story I’ll tell OH OH OH I know it is well OH OH OH is the story I’ll tell VERSE 2 Believing gets hard When options are few When I can't see how you're moving I know that you're proving You're the God that comes through Oh but I know That over the years, I’ll look back on this moment And see your hand on it And know You were here BRIDGE All that is left is highest praises So sing hallelujah to the Rock of Ages

Even though I can't gather with others to celebrate, I will choose to be thankful and share the story of how the Lord walked with me and carried me through one of the most difficult things I have every had to face up till this point.  May my story continue to be one that brings Him glory.  

40 Reflection

 So this is 40!  I had a few minutes to myself this morning to reflect while I ate the pancakes my husband made for me. For months I was excited to turn 40 at the end of this year.  However this past week it didn't seem so exciting when I realized the cold snap of weather and this crazy Pandemic's restrictions would mean we'd be stuck inside, unable to celebrate with family and friends.  Knowing the significance of reaching this milestone my parents are finding it hard not being here to celebrate together with me.  Some how the day snuck up on me and I wasn't able to journal and reflect like I had planned that I would.  So I took 20 minutes, before the kids woke up, to journal (and now I have some more time as I write this blog tonight).

Just as I was about to put the pen to my paper, a verse popped into my mind. Romans 15:13.  It's the verse I held onto for years when I prayed for another child.  "May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit."  HOPE-this is the word I used for my daughter's middle name.  In 5 years of secondary infertility God kept giving me glimmers of hope, amidst the losses and despair.  And now, today, this verse stood out to me in a new way.  As I reflected on turning 40 this is what I thinking about;

"40!  I never thought I'd see this day.  At 18 or 19 I remember telling some close friends that I thought I'd be dead by the age of 40, either that or that Jesus would return by then.  Okay I can't for-tell the future but back then I struggled with some depression and suicidal thoughts earlier in Jr. and Sr. high school.  It was super tough being one of the only Christians in my school.  It was hard having an extended family member tell me that I was brainwashed for believing in Jesus.  I know that I longed for heaven even at that young of age.  Some how the promise of heaven felt easier than living with the struggles on the earth.  When I had cancer all the more this became real to me.  The reality of my life hanging by a thread still feels very vivid to me.  But so does the nearness of my Heavenly Father.  The presence of Jesus in that dark valley is unexplainable at times.  When I look back on the past 40 years I continue to see God's hand on my life from sparing me in the womb, sparing my life from killer bees, and cancer, etc.  My mom wrote me a note, reflecting on the beginning of my life, the stays in the critical care unit in the hospital, the prayers for "LIFE" that she prayed for me, her unborn child at the time, and for the miracle that I was.  Doctors told her I wouldn't live in the womb, when I did they told my parents I wouldn't make it till age 5 due to all my health complications.  "God has intervened many times in my life when it had seemed all HOPE was fading" as my mom put it.  I know that He is not finished with me and so I choose to humbly ask Him to continue to draw me close to Himself, to use me in the lives of those around me and to shape me into more of His likeness.

Leading up to my 40th I felt compelled to write 40 people thanking them for ways they impacted my life through their mentoring, prayers, ministry, example, discipleship, friendship, etc.  I spent a lot of time reflecting on the past as I wrote those letters, and contemplated each of those relationships. As I reflected on those letters this morning I felt like some how on the other side of today, the 23rd, there is a gift.  A gift of HOPE.  A gift to look to the future.  Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord.  Plans  to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE."  This verse feels so new to me suddenly.  Lord I don't want to be afraid to hope for the future.  I humbly come and lay my fears at your feet.  Thank you for the gift of a future with you here on earth and eventually together with you eternally.  For the past few years it felt like reaching 40 would be a huge milestone.  I honestly didn't think too much beyond that.  But God, But God isn't done with me yet and now tomorrow I get to look ahead with hope and expectation of the future.  I can dream again.  I can walk expectantly with Hope.  The canvas is blank and I have no clue what the future holds for me and my little family but I know who holds me and my future!  It feels like strange ground, perhaps holy ground, to be able to look ahead with HOPE and be able to dream again.  I do know that one dream I have is to grow my SPIRITUAL DIRECTION work.  It's been a privilege to walk alongside the directees I have had this past year and I am praying for many more directees to be able to companion alongside of.  What a humbling gift it is to journey alongside of others in their spiritual lives.  

I am so thankful for the friends and family who took time to send me letters and gifts.  I think my main love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, with acts of service close behind.  Honestly reading each of those heartfelt letters filled up my love tank to overflowing.  I felt SEEN, cared for and LOVED.  To be honest, I deal with an inner critic in my mind often telling me how I am failing at parenting my kids or failing at so many other things.  I worry I am too much for some friends, with my intensity for depth in relationships, and my desire to be so Jesus focused in things I say and do.  But these letters helped me see ways that God has used me, ministered to others through me and how He's used me to point others to HIM.  I was so encouraged.  It made me think about funerals.  At funerals we have a time of sharing about what the person meant to us.  We share stories and memories.  But friends today made me realize all the more that why wait till a funeral?  If there is someone in your life that you appreciate.  Someone who has touched you, ministered to you, encouraged you, go out of your way to let them know how much that meant to you.  Don't wait till someone's funeral to then share those special memories when they are not even there to hear it. I know that I will continue to let people know the impact they have had in my own life when those opportunities arise. 

Today I did have some friends meet me over zoom to chat, sing me happy b-day and let me know they love me.  When we moved back 3.5 yrs ago a number of the friendships I had here changed and it was quite lonely at first.  I am thankful for this group of friends that welcomed me in and have loved me just as I am, "quirks and all" as one friend put it.  Some friends popped by with cards or goodies as well. God is faithful and has provided some sweet friends.  Another sweet friend made me a fun birthday cake.  With 2020 being the year Costco kept funning out of toilet paper due to a pandemic, as well as the fact that I did have some anxiety over a TP shortage due to my short bowel syndrome issues it seemed fitting to have her make this cake.  And this evening I enjoyed some MINUTE TO WIN IT games with my little family and as well as putting a puzzle together.  

Thank you Lord for these past 40 years!  May I bring you honor and glory as I press on and look ahead with HOPE towards the future.

Covid, Homeschool, Health and Spiritual Direction

So much has happened in the last few months.  In fact it feels like so much has happened in 2020, as there is always something in the news forcing us to really look at ourselves, our way of life and the world around us.  It has brought some good discussions with the kids, left my heart feeling burdened and caused some sleepless nights for me as my heart and head have been so full and overwhelmed with various situations.  But it has also brought me to the reminder that my God is bigger and able to carry all of this.  That when I feel this way He is my strong tower that I can turn to and trust my cares into His very capable hands.  He's been calling me to not fret and not worry but to TRUST Him.  To really TRUST Him.

Covid 19 came and forced me into being a homeschooling mom, while finishing up my first year of classes.  I did some homeschooling when we lived overseas and to be honest I much preferred the material I used with my son back when he was in grade 1 rather than the online work I was supposed to help my daughter (who was now in grade 1) with this time around.  If a 2nd wave comes and we need to homeschool again in the fall I may have to look into the SONLIGHT material again and use that material instead.

I did not enjoy homeschooling.  My daughter had a hard time seeing me as mom and teacher and struggled to decipher the difference.  She missed socializing with her peers and having the regular school routine.  My son on the other hand enjoyed it.  He was diligent to wake up early and get everything done before 9:30 am for the day.  He enjoyed not having to connect with some of the kids who aren't always kind to him at school and enjoyed going for bike rides or hanging out and strengthening the friendships he does have (while social distancing).  This past school year I was getting used to having both kids in full time school and was able to had time to rest, work on school, catch up on my house chores and to do lists. I was pretty consistent with making sure I was laying on the couch a half hour before the kids arrived home so I could rest, pray and really just get my mind and heart ready to prepare for their arrival off of the bus.  Covid meant that I had so little alone time for me.  At best I function at 80% most days but these past few months there were days I was only functioning at 50% and that didn't help with the stress in our home.  School ended on the 12th of June and already the environment around here is way better.

Even though it wasn't perfect I look back and am thankful for the family times we had around the table.  I am thankful for all the family games, bike rides, movies watched and memories made together.  I really enjoyed not having to be busy driving from one place to another.  I really don't want life to get crazy busy again.  However, last night was the first time we gathered around a fire with a friends and it was so wonderful to feel like life was normal again.  We met a family we hadn't met before.  As we gathered around the fire they started asking questions to get to know us.  We ended up sharing stories about our time in West Asia, sharing how people loved on us over there, how God clearly called us there and paved the way for our every move to get there, paved the way to get the best care for my cancer as well as how he continues to lead us even today.  We shared about my heart and passion for Spiritual Direction and how the Lord clearly confirmed that as my calling.  As we shared I was overwhelmed by the goodness of the Lord and how faithful He has been.  I am so thankful for all the ways we have experienced God's presence, voice, and calling and love for us over the years.

Last week marked 3 years since we landed back in Canada as well as marking 2 years since I have been on TPN (still doing 3 nights a week and in 3 years I have gone from 77 lbs to 94 lbs).  When I look at where I am now it can be easy to feel discouraged and like my body is no where near where doctors told me it would be at this point in time.  However, when I look back at how bad things were 3 years ago, or even 2 years ago, I do see improvements.  I do see increased energy and my body is figuring out a new normal with the TPN, all my meds I take daily to aid in the short bowel syndrome, as well as the new supplements I am taking to help with my body absorbing nutrients and minerals and they have also really helped my Thyroid levels (and other blood work levels) to finally get into the normal range for the first time in 3 years. 3 years ago we didn't think I'd still be alive today.  So we rejoice that at this point I am still cancer free or NED (no evidence of disease) and I walk into my CT scan on July 2nd with hope that it will be a clear scan.

When I reflect on my faith I see how the deep/dark/scary valley of the shadow of death caused me to fix my eyes on Jesus who is the author and perfecter of my faith.  I am not someone who can easily debate faith, religions, theology, or other hot topics.  I am not up on apologetics.  But what I can tell you is that all that I have had to walk through has only deepened my faith and my resolve to follow Jesus.  All I have been dealt in life has only increased my compassion and love for others and my desire to walk alongside others in their own grief and spiritual journeys.  All I have experienced has only opened my eyes to all the ways God has lavished His love on me and NEVER left my side through it all.  They ways I have experienced God in my life has given me an increased passion to pray that others around me would experience Him for themselves rather than just read about Him in the Bible.  It's one thing to know about God and another thing to truly KNOW Him and experience His presence and His love for you.

In May of this year I finished my first year of the School of SPIRITUAL DIRECTION.  If you look back at one of my posts from last summer you will hear how God spoke to me and confirmed this direction after I had a weekend watching my monarch caterpillars emerge from their chrysalises as amazing butterflies.  I was overjoyed this past week to notice 3 little caterpillars starting to munch on my milkweed this year.  It's been an amazing year and I have grown so much in my gifting/calling and ability to contemplate the presence of Jesus as well as learning how to better walk alongside others on their journeys.  If you want to know more about Spiritual Direction or know someone who might be interested in some sessions with me please check out my website: www.midwifetothesoul.wordpress.com

This summer we had hoped we would be able to go on a road trip to see the Grand Canyon as well as make our way down to California to see dear friends who used to live in our neighborhood with us when we lived overseas.  However, thanks to Covid and closed borders we won't be doing any travel of that kind.  Instead we decided to rediscover our own province and had enjoyed a couple of day trips so far this month.  We plan to hopefully head up north later this summer to see my family and enjoy some of the beauty of the north with the waterfalls, fishing and my dad's cabin.  We take things day by day and hold our plans lightly.  The kids have been so disappointed with so many fun activities and special dates being canceled that we know that we have to hold plans loosely these days.  We also have bought a new house and move in come October.  This house has truly been a gift and a blessing these past 3 years.  Yet we are excited about our move and have already started to declutter and think about packing up.  We look forward to a yard that backs out on to the river.  Through Covid I realized once again how much nature is calming for my soul and a great way that I connect with Jesus.  I look forward to nights watching sunsets, being amazed at the star-filled skies and opportunities to skate on the river when it freezes in the winter.