Today I got to watch my niece make a public declaration of her love for Jesus and watch her get baptized. I had tears in my eyes. I was so proud of her. I am so thankful for the godly role model that she is to my kiddos. And I am so excited that she's on a journey of learning to hear God's voice. And I am so thankful that this morning happened to be a "good" morning for me health wise which meant I was able to fully engage with others and the Lord during the service which I have been needing lately.
During the service my little girl said, "In T we were able to gather all around those who got baptized but here we can't?" The baptismal tub was on stage here so it was different. This made me miss our church experience in T. I miss the worship, the dancing, the passion, the prayer times. I miss the exuberant worship times. Though I struggled due to the language barrier I loved being able to watch the people gather around each other at the end of a service and prophetically pray over each other. Some times it feels like it was years ago that we lived there. But just today, my mom sent me a note saying "it was hard to believe just a yr ago today they left T after coming to visit us and help us pack up for our move back to Canada. Wow, what a yr. I am so thankful my family was able to come out there and see what our life was like there, meet our community and help me with the kids and packing up as I was just released from the hospital the day they arrived for their visit there. I miss our friends, community and life there. I know that with my health situation there is no way I could be living there right now but it feels like it would take a miracle to even get back there for a visit to be able to say a proper good-bye for closure.
Now it feels weird to think about the possibility of being in the hospital again. I finally have a Dr. appointment for May 15th to see the GI specialist at the Manitoba Home Nutrition program. We will be discussing the pros and cons of TPN and I guess when and if I will start on it. If so I could very well end up in the hospital for a few days, have to get a pic line put in, and have my blood work monitored to make sure everything is working. I know I will need prayer as the whole having to stay in a hospital will bring up some feelings from a yr ago that I don't want to have to revisit. I will need to soak in the Word of God and listen to Worship music to keep my spirits up especially during that time. I had a sweet hospital room all to myself in T. Here, I will most likely have to have a roommate which I am not looking forward to either (but I will pray that the Father will use me if that is the case to be a blessing to my roommate). I guess I was spoiled when it came to hospital experiences in T. The nurses were at my becking call there and always willing and ready to help. Except when I was begging for more meds and they'd tell me I'd have to still wait an hr or more yet to get my next dose. I know if I have to stay a few days in the hospital that will be hard on my kids and I am praying that childcare will get worked out for that time too. My son has his spring concert on the 16th and I was supposed to do a spiritual retreat with some friends on the 18th so I am hoping if I am supposed to be in the hospital that it will wait till after the 18th.
And perhaps the Dr will tell me I am fine at 82.4 lbs and don't need TPN. Who knows! In the mean time I will keep trucking along. Spring has sprung which means I need to figure out how to garden again (it's been over 10 yrs since I planted my own garden). I found out my little girl's babysitter is really busy working a different job this month so she won't be available. This just means I will need even more energy to be a good mom, take care of my house and my yard and not get a many naps in as I would like.
This morning I got up early to spend time with Jesus. The words, "RESPOND DON'T REACT" came to mind. Oh how I need the Lord's help to respond and not react when it comes to parenting and dealing with situations that arise in our home. I believe we (especially the kids and I) are still adjusting to life here in Canada which means some days there are emotions that are high (or low) in our home. I have been working at growing my own little home business but this takes up time and energy. I need to make sure I don't neglect my relationship with Jesus and my little family either. BALANCE...it's all about balance. The verse I have on my black board that I am trying to focus on right now is James 1:19NLT: "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to LISTEN, slow to SPEAK, and slow to get angry." I am not perfect. In fact I am so very weak physically and emotionally these days but it's in my weakness that He gives me His strength. I am so thankful for those people who have either dropped by this week or stopped me at church or sent a message to tell me that they are still praying for me.
Sunday, 29 April 2018
Friday, 20 April 2018
Spring
Spring is starting to arrive. Yesterday was beautiful. I have been enjoying watching the Blue Jay in my back yard, hearing the birds chirp, feeling the sunshine on my skin and going for a little walk with my kiddos while they are on their scooters. Spring...a new season. Last year I feel like I missed out on Spring. I was finally out of the hospital but I was still healing. My family was out to help us pack up our apartment and to help take care of the kiddos while I spent the time resting, healing, going to doctor appointments, and trying really hard to get strong enough to get on the plane to fly and move back to Canada. Some how it feels like last Spring just flew by and I missed out. However it's a new season and I feel stronger than I did a yr ago. I still lack a lot of energy but I now am able to ride my bike with my son for a short bike ride or walk alongside my little girl on her scooter. I am able to sit and enjoy the Canadian geese standing outside the window rather than laying in bed feeling miserable and wondering if life would ever get better which is what I did a yr ago. So there is hope. Spring reminds me of HOPE, of newness and life. So I am praying that the Lord will met me in a special way this season. I had coffee with someone this week and just realized how much of "in a funk" I was feeling. Purpose, I long for purpose. The Lord has decided He's not ready to take me HOME yet so I am just wondering what my PURPOSE is here on earth. Yes, I am here to be a light, a testimony of Jesus' love, healing and presence. But how does that shine through my every day life? I am not sure. I do find it interesting that I have had the privilege of walking alongside a couple people in their grief over the loss of a loved one in their life since I have been back to Canada. I count that a privilege because grief is so real and raw and hard and not everyone gets it. Not everyone is willing to talk about death and loss and love and life like that.
I have been behind in my blogging. Life has been busy. We visited my family for Easter and I enjoyed connecting with my 98 yr old Grandpa. Then we celebrated my son's birthday and well life just got busy. But I really do want to continue to write out my "story" for my family to have. So many ideas or what to write, just got to figure out where to start. Some stories will be written down but not put on the blog as they are too intimate to put out there on the world wide web at this point but I want me kids to have my WHOLE story...the good, the painful parts, the bad, the ugly, the joyfilled parts...the truth. If I were to ever pass away I want them to have stories so that they can remember who I was and how Christ grabbed ahold of broken me and transformed me into HIS likeness.
I have been behind in my blogging. Life has been busy. We visited my family for Easter and I enjoyed connecting with my 98 yr old Grandpa. Then we celebrated my son's birthday and well life just got busy. But I really do want to continue to write out my "story" for my family to have. So many ideas or what to write, just got to figure out where to start. Some stories will be written down but not put on the blog as they are too intimate to put out there on the world wide web at this point but I want me kids to have my WHOLE story...the good, the painful parts, the bad, the ugly, the joyfilled parts...the truth. If I were to ever pass away I want them to have stories so that they can remember who I was and how Christ grabbed ahold of broken me and transformed me into HIS likeness.
Friday, 6 April 2018
He's Growing UP
My son's birthday is just around the corner. Seeing as in a different post I wrote a little about my miscarriages and my pregnancy with my little girl I wanted to share a bit of my son's story.
We got married in 2003 and we had our lives all planned out. We were gonna go on a short term missions trip to Africa and after that was finished we were going to head to Korea to teach English. The plan was to make money, come back to Canada and then start a family. Well things didn't go as planned. We had applied to teach English after our 10 mths on the program and spending 8 of those in Africa. However, because the Bible School where we met became accredited and changed it's name in-between when I graduated, and when my husband did, our degrees looks similar and yet different. They were having issues with forged degrees and so they just assumed ours were as well. So in the end that plan fell through. My husband used to work at the local Credit Union so he went to see the manager to see if there was a job available. The manager laughed and said he has already ordered a suit in my husband's size because God has told him my husband would be back working there.
So we decided to put down roots in our small town for a bit. I started to work in the office at a local factory. However, what I really wanted was to be a mom. I didn't enjoy going to work before my husband and getting home after he did. I did not enjoy my job and all I wanted was to be pregnant. But that didn't happen right away. Months of disappointment and negative pregnancy tests went by.
One day we were reading our Bible and working through the devotional OUR DAILY BREAD together. My husband read the reading and verse from the "wrong" day without knowing it. The verse for that day was 2 Kings 4:16: New International Version (NIV)
16 “About this time next year,” Elisha said, “you will hold a son in your arms.”
When we realized we read the wrong reading, we looked at each other and wondered if this wasn't the Lord speaking to us.
Eventually I quit my job and started at a new factory in the office. I enjoyed this work environment much better. I remember seeing my Dr. and starting basic fertility testing. I had a painful HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM the first month I started the new job. 2 months later I woke up realizing that if that verse from a few months before was true I should do a pregnancy test because I would be pregnant. Sure enough we finally had a +pregnancy test. We were overjoyed. We kept it a secret for a bit. I remember a dear teacher friend of mine, with the gift of prophecy, had been praying for us for the months we had been trying and praying for a baby. I found out I was expecting around the end of August and at the beginning of September she sent me an email asking if I was pregnant because she felt the Lord had told her I was pregnant but she hadn't heard from me yet. :0)
All through my pregnancy the Dr. thought I was gonna have a girl but I knew in my heart that it was a boy. My water broke after 5 in the am on April 15th but after 19.5 hrs of labour my son's heart beat was going crazy. I had a wicked cold and I so tired. After midnight they decided to perform a c-section. I was pretty out of it from the meds but I do remember when he came out saying, "I knew it all along, scripture was right! It's a boy."
I can't believe that little boy will soon be 11. He's grown up so much. We love our son and are proud of him. I appreciate how KIND he is to others and how he loves to LEARN. He loves facts, reading, knowledge and LEGO. He likes to joke around too. He is our first little miracle and we are so thankful for him. He loves to dress up in dress shirts and ties or suit jackets and he has a little business mind. We look forward to seeing how the Lord will use our son in the future.
We got married in 2003 and we had our lives all planned out. We were gonna go on a short term missions trip to Africa and after that was finished we were going to head to Korea to teach English. The plan was to make money, come back to Canada and then start a family. Well things didn't go as planned. We had applied to teach English after our 10 mths on the program and spending 8 of those in Africa. However, because the Bible School where we met became accredited and changed it's name in-between when I graduated, and when my husband did, our degrees looks similar and yet different. They were having issues with forged degrees and so they just assumed ours were as well. So in the end that plan fell through. My husband used to work at the local Credit Union so he went to see the manager to see if there was a job available. The manager laughed and said he has already ordered a suit in my husband's size because God has told him my husband would be back working there.
So we decided to put down roots in our small town for a bit. I started to work in the office at a local factory. However, what I really wanted was to be a mom. I didn't enjoy going to work before my husband and getting home after he did. I did not enjoy my job and all I wanted was to be pregnant. But that didn't happen right away. Months of disappointment and negative pregnancy tests went by.
One day we were reading our Bible and working through the devotional OUR DAILY BREAD together. My husband read the reading and verse from the "wrong" day without knowing it. The verse for that day was 2 Kings 4:16: New International Version (NIV)
16 “About this time next year,” Elisha said, “you will hold a son in your arms.”
When we realized we read the wrong reading, we looked at each other and wondered if this wasn't the Lord speaking to us.
Eventually I quit my job and started at a new factory in the office. I enjoyed this work environment much better. I remember seeing my Dr. and starting basic fertility testing. I had a painful HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM the first month I started the new job. 2 months later I woke up realizing that if that verse from a few months before was true I should do a pregnancy test because I would be pregnant. Sure enough we finally had a +pregnancy test. We were overjoyed. We kept it a secret for a bit. I remember a dear teacher friend of mine, with the gift of prophecy, had been praying for us for the months we had been trying and praying for a baby. I found out I was expecting around the end of August and at the beginning of September she sent me an email asking if I was pregnant because she felt the Lord had told her I was pregnant but she hadn't heard from me yet. :0)
All through my pregnancy the Dr. thought I was gonna have a girl but I knew in my heart that it was a boy. My water broke after 5 in the am on April 15th but after 19.5 hrs of labour my son's heart beat was going crazy. I had a wicked cold and I so tired. After midnight they decided to perform a c-section. I was pretty out of it from the meds but I do remember when he came out saying, "I knew it all along, scripture was right! It's a boy."
I can't believe that little boy will soon be 11. He's grown up so much. We love our son and are proud of him. I appreciate how KIND he is to others and how he loves to LEARN. He loves facts, reading, knowledge and LEGO. He likes to joke around too. He is our first little miracle and we are so thankful for him. He loves to dress up in dress shirts and ties or suit jackets and he has a little business mind. We look forward to seeing how the Lord will use our son in the future.
Wednesday, 4 April 2018
CT results
I posted this on FB this week:
"My recent CT scan was clear. I am 82.4 lbs. Lost weight again. I stuffed my face so much lately but still lost weight...so frustrating. He said it is not his speciality to deal w the pain and short bowel issues. The pain Dr. I have will continue to help me manage my pain. The oncologist manages my disease. He said right now we can say i am in remission according to the scans. This disease could come back within the first 2 yrs or 5 or 10. But i felt weird to hear the remission word today. I am thankful but just wish i felt better. He is gonna request that my GI appointment (may 30) get moved up so we can talk w that specialist about TPN. Though oncologist said there r some risks with TPN like liver failure or kidney issues but at this point we r not sure if i have other options to fatten me up. If i were to get a flu i could not handle losing more weight...there is no fat reserve. This will all be discussed w the GI specialist. Please pray that appt will happen in April so i don't need to keep waiting for it. Thx. Blood pressure is still low but better than it was 2 weeks ago. I see my GP on Friday so will discuss w him about the thyroid issues , the reactive hypoglycemia and low blood pressure and tpn. I am now waiting to get routine blood work and a tumor marker test done. Thanks for the prayers. I am feeling pretty exhausted today."
I have been exhausted. Today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with the day to day tasks. I made a nice meal using my new instant pot that my mom gave me. But then I look around my house, I see all the spring cleaning, sorting and organizing that needs to be done and I am exhausted just thinking about it. I want a garden and our yard needs some serious loving this spring/summer but I honestly don't think I'll have energy to really plant a garden or maintain our yard and that makes me sad.
When my oncologist told me about my results being clear he said, "Thank God for small miracles." Well I am thankful. When he used the words "remission" it was hard to really embrace that word knowing I was told at one point this cancer doesn't ever really see remission. So I want to embrace it, to rejoice and to believe it. I have told my kids that the Dr. said there NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE. However, my little girl still doesn't understand why I am still "sick."
This past week she said, "Mommy, you used to be able to carry me when we lived in T. Maybe when I am 16 I will be able to carry you."
She often talks about how I am her little mommy. She talks a lot about heaven and death and how she thought I was gonna die last yr. She told me today that she figured I'd die first because I am smaller than my husband. I feel for my little girl that she has had to process all this at such a young age. I try my best to do normal life in my home but this week I feel like I am dragging myself. Like all I want to do is close my eyes but I can't. We continue to ask the Lord for full healing.
We took a long road trip up north to see my family for Easter. I was so nice to get out on the ski-doo for a ride with my hubby and to see my kids enjoying rides as well as sledding on the hill. My favorite part was visiting with my 98 yr old grandpa and hearing his stories of being a gunner and a pilot in WW2. My son interviewed him and we got some clips recorded. Knowing he won't live too many more yrs yet it will be a precious memory having him share those stories for us to listen to for yrs to come.
"My recent CT scan was clear. I am 82.4 lbs. Lost weight again. I stuffed my face so much lately but still lost weight...so frustrating. He said it is not his speciality to deal w the pain and short bowel issues. The pain Dr. I have will continue to help me manage my pain. The oncologist manages my disease. He said right now we can say i am in remission according to the scans. This disease could come back within the first 2 yrs or 5 or 10. But i felt weird to hear the remission word today. I am thankful but just wish i felt better. He is gonna request that my GI appointment (may 30) get moved up so we can talk w that specialist about TPN. Though oncologist said there r some risks with TPN like liver failure or kidney issues but at this point we r not sure if i have other options to fatten me up. If i were to get a flu i could not handle losing more weight...there is no fat reserve. This will all be discussed w the GI specialist. Please pray that appt will happen in April so i don't need to keep waiting for it. Thx. Blood pressure is still low but better than it was 2 weeks ago. I see my GP on Friday so will discuss w him about the thyroid issues , the reactive hypoglycemia and low blood pressure and tpn. I am now waiting to get routine blood work and a tumor marker test done. Thanks for the prayers. I am feeling pretty exhausted today."
I have been exhausted. Today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with the day to day tasks. I made a nice meal using my new instant pot that my mom gave me. But then I look around my house, I see all the spring cleaning, sorting and organizing that needs to be done and I am exhausted just thinking about it. I want a garden and our yard needs some serious loving this spring/summer but I honestly don't think I'll have energy to really plant a garden or maintain our yard and that makes me sad.
When my oncologist told me about my results being clear he said, "Thank God for small miracles." Well I am thankful. When he used the words "remission" it was hard to really embrace that word knowing I was told at one point this cancer doesn't ever really see remission. So I want to embrace it, to rejoice and to believe it. I have told my kids that the Dr. said there NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE. However, my little girl still doesn't understand why I am still "sick."
This past week she said, "Mommy, you used to be able to carry me when we lived in T. Maybe when I am 16 I will be able to carry you."
She often talks about how I am her little mommy. She talks a lot about heaven and death and how she thought I was gonna die last yr. She told me today that she figured I'd die first because I am smaller than my husband. I feel for my little girl that she has had to process all this at such a young age. I try my best to do normal life in my home but this week I feel like I am dragging myself. Like all I want to do is close my eyes but I can't. We continue to ask the Lord for full healing.
We took a long road trip up north to see my family for Easter. I was so nice to get out on the ski-doo for a ride with my hubby and to see my kids enjoying rides as well as sledding on the hill. My favorite part was visiting with my 98 yr old grandpa and hearing his stories of being a gunner and a pilot in WW2. My son interviewed him and we got some clips recorded. Knowing he won't live too many more yrs yet it will be a precious memory having him share those stories for us to listen to for yrs to come.
Friday, 16 March 2018
He is There
My son and I have been slowly working through a devotional book on prayer. We talked about some of the names of God this week and the one that stood out to both of us was "Jehovah Shammah" which means, "He is there." So I reflected on this a bit today as I processed with my son some hurtful words that were spoken to him during a sporting event, from some kids he didn't really know, and as I reflected on the loneliness I have been feeling lately. As I reminded my son of the TRUTH of who he is in Christ rather than those crude words that were spoken to him, we both found comfort in the reality that "The almighty God of the universe is with us." He was there through it all and is Here always with us. So no matter where you are at know that He knows everything, He's right there. He won't leave you.
This past weekend I found out that my friend Jody passed away from Goblet Cell Appendix cancer...the same cancer I had. When I read the fb update from her husband I burst into tears. Jody was diagnosed with cancer a month before I was. When I was diagnosed I felt so alone because this was such a rare and aggressive cancer with little research done on it. I was thankful that I found her online and we connected right away, even though there was a bit of an age gap. She was a constant encouragement to me through my surgeries and healing. We'd share doctor appointment updates and prayer requests. She even sent me a picture of what our cancer looks like when she found out she had recurrence in her small intestine. Her death meant the loss of a friend who understood my type of cancer. It was a little bit of a reality check for me. When I was diagnosed I was informed that this cancer would most likely return in the first yr to 2 yrs after. Knowing she fought hard but that it was just over a yr that she passed away from her diagnosis affected me deeply. I wished I was able to let her know how much she meant to me but her husband assured me that she knew that and appreciated me just the same.
Cancer sucks. Healing from cancer sucks. Dealing from chronic health issues from the cancer surgeries sucks. But I am alive and I need to make the most of the time I have here on earth. I am becoming more passionate about making healthy changes in my home in regards to what we eat, what we put on our bodies in regards to lotions, shampoos, make-up etc, what ingredients are in the meds we take and snacks we eat. I look back over my life and reflect on how much junk I ate over the yrs, how many chemicals I put into my body through things like midol, antibiotics, toxins in my make-up, my perfumes, cleaning supplies, etc and I wish I could go back and wish I would have made changes sooner. But I can't live in regret and all I can do is slowly make those changes as I can now. I am thankful (even though it can feel overwhelming to be making all these changes in diet and in our home at the same time) for this journey to better knowledge and better health that I am on right now.
And update on my health...well I FINALLY got my referral that I have been waiting for since fall to see the GI specialist. That appointment is for May 30th. I have my CT scan on the 28th of March. I get my results on April 3rd and I see my GP on April 6th to discuss the fact that recent blood work showed I am still dealing with hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos (the autoimmune issues with my thyroid). So lots of appointments coming up but again I am thankful for the medical team around me.
Tonight I finished a craft I have been working on through our Morning Out For Moms program in town. I am not a crafty person and I didn't think this would turn out. In fact I left it for a few days unfinished because I was afraid to really attempt it. But I am happy with how it turned out for the most part. I decided on this pattern because it reminded me of "THE KISSING HAND" book that I was able to read to my kids when I was in the hospital. Each kid reacted differently when I was sick and in the hospital. One found it hard to see me like that and preferred to not visit often. The other had such a hard time leaving me at the hospital they would cry and kick and at times scream when we had to say good-bye. I would kiss their hands and let them know that I loved them and was still with them in their hearts. And I hope they will always know that no matter what happens to me. This past week my little girl has had a hard time being away from me. It's almost like a little bit of separation anxiety or like she remembers having to leave me in the hospital and just doesn't want to be without me. In fact this week she has said a lot, "I just want to be with my Momma." She often talks about heaven, death and the other day asked if we could all go to heaven at the same time so that she won't be lonely up there. When I assured her she wouldn't be lonely because she'd get to meet our babies and Jesus she decided she'd first give her siblings a hug, then her Grandpa Mel and then Jesus. She is known to tell strangers or others about how I used to be able to carry her. How I used to be taller and stronger and not so tired all time, etc. My heart aches for my kids and how everything from 2017 has and still affects them. I am so thankful for Jehovah Shammah and that He's with my kids through every step of there healing through this difficult time. And just as I went to review what I wrote tonight I realized that I started my day reading my devotions and imagining me clinging to Jesus' hand and I ended my night finishing off this craft. Now off to bed, placing my hand into Jesus' hand and my head on my pillow.
Thursday, 1 March 2018
God Wants Me
This weekend we watched a testimony and then a kids video and I felt the Lord speaking to me through both.
Phil Vischer, the man who created Veggie Tales, shared his testimony of his dream to create Veggie Tales, etc and to find ways to use entertainment to point others to Jesus. His company, BIG IDEA, grew and was becoming well known. He was suspected to become the next Walt Disney and his company the next Disney productions. But then his company went bankrupt. He was left wondering why God would give him his dream only to have it end this way.
"If God gives you a dream and shows up in it and then suddenly without warning that dream dies it may mean that God wants to know what is more important to you, the dream or HIM? Once He has seen that you may get back your dream. Or you may not. And you may live the rest of your life without it but that's ok because you will have God."
Oh wow, I heard this and then my eyes started to well up with tears and I knew I needed to write that quote down. From the time I was young I always saw myself as one who would live overseas and tell others about Jesus. By the age of grade 3 I was looking into universities because I wanted to be a Veterinarian, and use that as a way to work overseas and tell others about Jesus. That was until I graduated the the Lord told me He was calling me to people, not animals because animals don't have souls. John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish/die but will have eternal life."
On the day we got married we walked out of our wedding to this song, "You said" by Shane and Shane. I didn't want gifts, I just wanted to go serve overseas. Our first yr of marriage was spent in the DR of Congo and then in 2007 we began to feel a tug towards the Middle East and to move overseas long term. However, that journey took many many yrs. In that time our Call to go was clarified and tested and it gave us even more passion to GO. Finally after yrs of tears, praying, asking the Lord to continue to guide, lead and confirm this direction we believed He called us on, we were able to step foot in T in the fall of 2012. Oh how that felt amazing and quickly it felt like home. We thought we'd see our kids grow up there, grow old together there, and be part of whatever the Lord had in-store for us there. But then suddenly that all changed on Feb 28, 2017 when we discovered how invasive my cancer was and when my hubby heard the Lord peacefully whisper that he was released to bring his family back to Canada.
So our adjustment back in the last 8 months has not been easy. Seeing a dream die and being in a place of healing is hard. But through Phil Vischer's testimony I felt the Lord whispering to me. Phil reminded me of the importance that my identity is in Jesus. I am a child of God. My identity is not in what I do for God but in who I am in Him. He went on to say, "When we don't know what God wants us to do-do NOTHING. Wait on God." So this is the season I am in. I don't know what He wants me to do but I am learning it's not about DOING-it's about BEING. My identity needs to be in God, who I am in HIM, and not in what I do. I also need to not worry about "doing something that will impact others" but instead on just focusing on God. And when we wait on God we need to make sure that His directions don't become more important than Him.
In the kids video (Galaxy Buck) Buck was all about trying to do something BIG for God. He kept say, "God wants me to do something BIG." But in the end he realised God just wanted him. I need to not worry about the outcomes of what He asks me to do but to just be obedient. God is enough, not because He can make my dreams come true. He's enough even though our dreams of being overseas has died. He's enough even though I am still healing and dealing with chronic issues. He's enough even without our dreams. And if I take time to sit with Him and really listen, I'll see Him healing me, speaking to me and smiling knowing that He has more plans for me...perhaps things I can't even ask for or imagine!
I will admit I longed to make an impact, a difference for the Lord in the lives of those around me. Isaiah 61. I longed to be able to be used by Him to help set people free from bondage and sin in their lives. "The impact God has planned for us does not occur when we are pursuing impact. It occurs when we are pursuing God. And so I am convicted. I need to find balance and time and make sure that time with God takes more of a priority in my life.
Phil Vischer, the man who created Veggie Tales, shared his testimony of his dream to create Veggie Tales, etc and to find ways to use entertainment to point others to Jesus. His company, BIG IDEA, grew and was becoming well known. He was suspected to become the next Walt Disney and his company the next Disney productions. But then his company went bankrupt. He was left wondering why God would give him his dream only to have it end this way.
"If God gives you a dream and shows up in it and then suddenly without warning that dream dies it may mean that God wants to know what is more important to you, the dream or HIM? Once He has seen that you may get back your dream. Or you may not. And you may live the rest of your life without it but that's ok because you will have God."
Oh wow, I heard this and then my eyes started to well up with tears and I knew I needed to write that quote down. From the time I was young I always saw myself as one who would live overseas and tell others about Jesus. By the age of grade 3 I was looking into universities because I wanted to be a Veterinarian, and use that as a way to work overseas and tell others about Jesus. That was until I graduated the the Lord told me He was calling me to people, not animals because animals don't have souls. John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish/die but will have eternal life."
So our adjustment back in the last 8 months has not been easy. Seeing a dream die and being in a place of healing is hard. But through Phil Vischer's testimony I felt the Lord whispering to me. Phil reminded me of the importance that my identity is in Jesus. I am a child of God. My identity is not in what I do for God but in who I am in Him. He went on to say, "When we don't know what God wants us to do-do NOTHING. Wait on God." So this is the season I am in. I don't know what He wants me to do but I am learning it's not about DOING-it's about BEING. My identity needs to be in God, who I am in HIM, and not in what I do. I also need to not worry about "doing something that will impact others" but instead on just focusing on God. And when we wait on God we need to make sure that His directions don't become more important than Him.
In the kids video (Galaxy Buck) Buck was all about trying to do something BIG for God. He kept say, "God wants me to do something BIG." But in the end he realised God just wanted him. I need to not worry about the outcomes of what He asks me to do but to just be obedient. God is enough, not because He can make my dreams come true. He's enough even though our dreams of being overseas has died. He's enough even though I am still healing and dealing with chronic issues. He's enough even without our dreams. And if I take time to sit with Him and really listen, I'll see Him healing me, speaking to me and smiling knowing that He has more plans for me...perhaps things I can't even ask for or imagine!
I will admit I longed to make an impact, a difference for the Lord in the lives of those around me. Isaiah 61. I longed to be able to be used by Him to help set people free from bondage and sin in their lives. "The impact God has planned for us does not occur when we are pursuing impact. It occurs when we are pursuing God. And so I am convicted. I need to find balance and time and make sure that time with God takes more of a priority in my life.
Friday, 23 February 2018
An update on Me
Some people have been asking how I am doing. Well this week felt a little discouraging for me. Let me explain. I have a wonderful dietitian that seems to be going to bat for me all the time. She is always giving me samples to try of things that are supposed to help me gain weight. So far most seem to not be helping. She is talking to doctors on my behalf to see where the referral is at to see the GI specialist (as I have been waiting months for that) or to get needed blood work to see where my electrolytes are, or to see how my liver is functioning from all the meds it takes in, or to see if other vitamins and minerals are at the right levels or not. She had me take a few day food journal and punched it into a program. That said that based on the calories I eat I should be gaining weight. Since it doesn't appear I am (though I have not stepped on a scale in a few weeks) then it is most likely I am not absorbing all the nutrients and calories. This is a problem.
Today I found out that the GI never even got a referral for me. Like I said, I've been waiting for MONTHS! So she made sure that my oncologist nurse would send in another request this time marking "URGENT" on it. When I look at myself I don't feel like I'm urgent. And yet I am fully aware that there are many dropping like flies around me and sick at home with influenza, the flu or bad colds. Each of us in my family have sore throats right now but out of all of us I am managing to feel the best of them all PTL! However I am aware that if I were to get so sick where I couldn't eat or where I couldn't drink (I already drink so little because liquids make the chronic runs worse) that I could be super dehydrated or lose too much weight that I'd be in a serious condition. So I know that the fact that I am only 84ish lbs means I HAVE to gain wait and thus this is an urgent issue since all the meds I am on don't seem to be helping or watching what I do and don't eat doesn't even really help depending on the day. And I know that the best diet for me considering I had cancer is to eat protein, high fats and omit sugar and eat WHOLE FOODS. But usually fatty foods and whole foods run through me due to the fibre. So it's hard to not stress about food and wonder how my body will handle what I put into it.
So the suggestion is TPN. Check out this link to find out more of what that is. http://www.merckmanuals.com/en-ca/professional/nutritional-disorders/nutritional-support/total-parenteral-nutrition-tpn
So right now I will be getting some blood work taken on Monday. Once those results come back then I will talk to my pain doctor and my dietitian and wait to see the GI specialist. From there, if I go with TPN I will need to get a port inserted at the hospital and eventually can be at home and hooked up to TPN at night to hopefully help me gain some weight. Perhaps this would give me more energy too. I'm not sure how long this would be for maybe weeks or months?
Thinking about TPN brings back memories of me telling my daughter I was going for a check up and I'd be back only to find out my weight was down and I was back in the hospital for a week and then having the iv inserted in my neck. That was the only vein left that could handle that thick solution at the time while I was crying, knowing it would take a week again or more before I could head home to see my kids again. It's like PTSD in a way when I look back on this last yr. However, tonight my hubby said he had a different take on TPN because he views TPN as something that brings life back into me as last yr he saw me looking like I was almost on my death bed on a day that I was forced back into the hospital and back on TPN last March/April. I so so don't want to go down that route but if after the blood work results and my visit with the GI this is what is recommended I know I need to seriously consider it.
Feb 28th marks a yr from my Major Surgery. That is the surgery that took 8 hrs, many organs and that changed the course of our lives like we never imagined. On my appendix cancer fb site I asked if others struggled with weight gain and runs like I did and if others were on as many meds as I am. Though many deal with some of the same complications and side effects from surgery and HIPEC that I have not all of them are on as many meds as I am without much relief. Looks like I am unique in this in some ways. I get lonely and want to go to Bible Study or see friends but because it's at night I can't guarantee that I will be feeling well enough. This past Thursday I had to miss study again because I was in pain and my digestive system was not doing great to the point that all I could do was rest on the couch. So frustrating. And may be embarrassing to really talk about my issues but it's what I deal with on a daily basis so why hide it. Most days my energy levels are low and I am SO thankful for our amazing babysitter that takes care of my daughter 8 hrs a week so I can rest and get some stuff done.
I have greater respect for those who deal with chronic pain or chronic health issues. And yet even though I struggle I am thankful I am doing way better than I was a yr ago. I know the Lord is with me and He'll carry me.
I continue to wonder what the Lord has for me in this season. On Sunday my hubby preached in church. He did a great job by the way. And he mentioned that he's been able to walk with some people through the Steps to Freedom in Christ. And I realized that this is something I could do. Both of us have walked through the steps and both of us are trained in walking with others. So I told my pastor that if he ever knew of any females that would want to do the steps I'd be willing to walk them through them. That would be life giving for me. To come alongside others, pray for them and see them find freedom and inner healing. Once my daughter is in school in the fall I really do want to look into finishing my life coaching training. But until then I need to rest and try to get stronger. I am thankful that this week I have been able to have some visits with friends which helps me not feel so lonely and also gives me encouragement on this journey that I am on.
I am getting tired of the cold and long for Spring to come. But then the thought of yard work and planting a garden and taking care of it makes me tired just thinking of it. I certainly hope I'll have energy for all of that but at this point I I'm ok with not having to worry about our yard.
With the passing of Billy Graham this week I've reflected on how people knew Billy as someone who LOVED Jesus and who was bold in his faith. He was an evangelist. I've asked myself who is it that I want to be known as. I want to be known as someone who LOVES Jesus and LOVES others. Who loves to walk alongside others in their sorrows and valleys, who loves to help people find freedom and healing. Someone who loves to go to deep places with others and who longs to see her children walking with the Lord with a full assurance of HIS love for them. I want to be someone who is known as one who rejoices with others and who also points others to Jesus. My character continues to be a work in progress and I am so far from who I want to be. But thankfully I know that Lord is not finished with me yet.
Sure I am passionate right now about trying to eliminate toxins and chemicals from my home and our family's lifestyle. I long for my family to eat healthier (how I wish my one kid wasn't so picky but gotta trust they will grow out of it) and to make healthier lifestyle choices so that is something I thing about. But as a whole I want to make sure I spend my time and energy growing my walk with Jesus because I want that to be a legacy I leave behind for my kids.
As a side note: If you could please pray that the bad sore throats my hubby and son have and the cold my daughter has will stay away for me I'd appreciate that. We've been doing out best to keep sickness at bay but with so many ill at school it's hard for it to not get brought home. Thank you for all your prayers especially over this last yr.
Today I found out that the GI never even got a referral for me. Like I said, I've been waiting for MONTHS! So she made sure that my oncologist nurse would send in another request this time marking "URGENT" on it. When I look at myself I don't feel like I'm urgent. And yet I am fully aware that there are many dropping like flies around me and sick at home with influenza, the flu or bad colds. Each of us in my family have sore throats right now but out of all of us I am managing to feel the best of them all PTL! However I am aware that if I were to get so sick where I couldn't eat or where I couldn't drink (I already drink so little because liquids make the chronic runs worse) that I could be super dehydrated or lose too much weight that I'd be in a serious condition. So I know that the fact that I am only 84ish lbs means I HAVE to gain wait and thus this is an urgent issue since all the meds I am on don't seem to be helping or watching what I do and don't eat doesn't even really help depending on the day. And I know that the best diet for me considering I had cancer is to eat protein, high fats and omit sugar and eat WHOLE FOODS. But usually fatty foods and whole foods run through me due to the fibre. So it's hard to not stress about food and wonder how my body will handle what I put into it.
So the suggestion is TPN. Check out this link to find out more of what that is. http://www.merckmanuals.com/en-ca/professional/nutritional-disorders/nutritional-support/total-parenteral-nutrition-tpn
So right now I will be getting some blood work taken on Monday. Once those results come back then I will talk to my pain doctor and my dietitian and wait to see the GI specialist. From there, if I go with TPN I will need to get a port inserted at the hospital and eventually can be at home and hooked up to TPN at night to hopefully help me gain some weight. Perhaps this would give me more energy too. I'm not sure how long this would be for maybe weeks or months?
Thinking about TPN brings back memories of me telling my daughter I was going for a check up and I'd be back only to find out my weight was down and I was back in the hospital for a week and then having the iv inserted in my neck. That was the only vein left that could handle that thick solution at the time while I was crying, knowing it would take a week again or more before I could head home to see my kids again. It's like PTSD in a way when I look back on this last yr. However, tonight my hubby said he had a different take on TPN because he views TPN as something that brings life back into me as last yr he saw me looking like I was almost on my death bed on a day that I was forced back into the hospital and back on TPN last March/April. I so so don't want to go down that route but if after the blood work results and my visit with the GI this is what is recommended I know I need to seriously consider it.
Feb 28th marks a yr from my Major Surgery. That is the surgery that took 8 hrs, many organs and that changed the course of our lives like we never imagined. On my appendix cancer fb site I asked if others struggled with weight gain and runs like I did and if others were on as many meds as I am. Though many deal with some of the same complications and side effects from surgery and HIPEC that I have not all of them are on as many meds as I am without much relief. Looks like I am unique in this in some ways. I get lonely and want to go to Bible Study or see friends but because it's at night I can't guarantee that I will be feeling well enough. This past Thursday I had to miss study again because I was in pain and my digestive system was not doing great to the point that all I could do was rest on the couch. So frustrating. And may be embarrassing to really talk about my issues but it's what I deal with on a daily basis so why hide it. Most days my energy levels are low and I am SO thankful for our amazing babysitter that takes care of my daughter 8 hrs a week so I can rest and get some stuff done.
I have greater respect for those who deal with chronic pain or chronic health issues. And yet even though I struggle I am thankful I am doing way better than I was a yr ago. I know the Lord is with me and He'll carry me.
I continue to wonder what the Lord has for me in this season. On Sunday my hubby preached in church. He did a great job by the way. And he mentioned that he's been able to walk with some people through the Steps to Freedom in Christ. And I realized that this is something I could do. Both of us have walked through the steps and both of us are trained in walking with others. So I told my pastor that if he ever knew of any females that would want to do the steps I'd be willing to walk them through them. That would be life giving for me. To come alongside others, pray for them and see them find freedom and inner healing. Once my daughter is in school in the fall I really do want to look into finishing my life coaching training. But until then I need to rest and try to get stronger. I am thankful that this week I have been able to have some visits with friends which helps me not feel so lonely and also gives me encouragement on this journey that I am on.
I am getting tired of the cold and long for Spring to come. But then the thought of yard work and planting a garden and taking care of it makes me tired just thinking of it. I certainly hope I'll have energy for all of that but at this point I I'm ok with not having to worry about our yard.
With the passing of Billy Graham this week I've reflected on how people knew Billy as someone who LOVED Jesus and who was bold in his faith. He was an evangelist. I've asked myself who is it that I want to be known as. I want to be known as someone who LOVES Jesus and LOVES others. Who loves to walk alongside others in their sorrows and valleys, who loves to help people find freedom and healing. Someone who loves to go to deep places with others and who longs to see her children walking with the Lord with a full assurance of HIS love for them. I want to be someone who is known as one who rejoices with others and who also points others to Jesus. My character continues to be a work in progress and I am so far from who I want to be. But thankfully I know that Lord is not finished with me yet.
Sure I am passionate right now about trying to eliminate toxins and chemicals from my home and our family's lifestyle. I long for my family to eat healthier (how I wish my one kid wasn't so picky but gotta trust they will grow out of it) and to make healthier lifestyle choices so that is something I thing about. But as a whole I want to make sure I spend my time and energy growing my walk with Jesus because I want that to be a legacy I leave behind for my kids.
As a side note: If you could please pray that the bad sore throats my hubby and son have and the cold my daughter has will stay away for me I'd appreciate that. We've been doing out best to keep sickness at bay but with so many ill at school it's hard for it to not get brought home. Thank you for all your prayers especially over this last yr.
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