honesty

It's been awhile.  There is so much running in my head and heavy on my heart so I am not sure what to share.  I've been struggling.  Being a mom is not an easy job.  I try my best and feel like I fail daily.  It can be easy to listen to the lies running around in my head about the type of parent that I am and how my kids need someone with more energy, more patience, and more joy.  For the last yr and a bit I felt like all I had energy for was to survive and make it through the day.  In the last month or so I've had a bit more energy and have been able to try to create memories with my kids.  My son often tells me that he sees us as being different now.  The other day he commented that he's noticed I've gained weight but that the rest of me looks so exhausted and that I should go away to a spa for a week....YES PLEASE!!!  He noted the extra grey hair and wrinkles too. Yep I have them.  It's amazing how much a body can age trough trauma.  And yet I felt I needed to tell him that grey hair and wrinkles and exhaustion does not mean the cancer is back...just means I have been through a lot.

We as a family went to the Terry Fox run.  The boys ran 5k and I jogged 2.5 k next to my little girl on her bike.  This is not a long distance and it felt amazing running it.  Crossing that finish line did something in my heart that I can't explain.  In Feb of 2017 I was ready to die.  I didn't think I would ever be well enough to run again.  Crossing the finish line felt like in some strange way a chapter has closed and a new season has begun.  And yet I need to stew on that feeling some more and process what the Lord was trying to tell me in that moment.  We ran as a family for the cause of cancer in our family.  For my Father-in-law as that day we ran the race was on what would have been his birthday.  And we ran for me.  It felt good but the days after were so hard.  Perhaps I was dealing with adrenal fatigue.  Perhaps I pushed myself too much and my body just cried out to stop and rest.  

My little girl started Kindergarten.  Only 2 days a week.  I have a long list of things to do each day but some times not much gets done.  I still need rest times.

People ask me if I am cancer free.  As for as we know, yes.  I have blood work this week and my scan coming up in October.  I wanna believe nothing will show up.  I wanna believe that I can leave cancer behind me.  The reality is we as a family are still healing from and dealing with the trauma we all faced in 2017.  It's been exhausting having to work through it all with my kiddos who express their trauma and healing differently from each other, or from me for that matter.  We are all processing it so differently.  And I finally started seeing a counselor for me.  It's time I finally process myself and deal with all the loss and trauma...in hopes that I will come through that being a better mom than how I see myself to be now.  

I am loving the new Lauren Diagle cd.  So much truth in the lyrics.  I can relate.  I love this song.  

RADIATE

A number of weeks ago I had been driving back from a Dr. appointment and was listening to my friend share in a video on FB about hearing God's voice and the different ways we can hear His voice.  All of a sudden I looked at my radio in my car and saw that there was a song titled, "Radiate" by Hannah Kerr.

Almost at he same time I noticed a sign on the sign of the road.  As I drove by the word RADIATE stood out to me.  I began to wonder if the Lord was trying to say something to me.  It wasn't too long after that I was reading my little devotional, "Jesus Always" and this is what I read:

I am still soaking on what the Lord is trying to tell me through this word.  But I do believe He's been inviting me to soak in His presence more.  And then the other day in church this song was introduced to us.  Of course the word RADIATE stood out to me again.  This time I had to smile a little.  The Lord was trying to tell me something.  He speaks, often is such simple ways that we miss it because we are too busy looking for or wishing He'd speak in LOUD and more obvious ways.

I felt this song was a reminder of the Love God has for me.  And the fact that He has taken my brokenness and poured His love and healing into me and that through that brokenness His love is hopefully being like radiant diamonds to those around me.

I was able to share my testimony a few weeks back with around 30 ladies.  It was a wonderful opportunity to share about my past hurts, struggles, and pain but also how Jesus ministered to me in those times, how He healed and spoke and loved on me.  I shared how He was faithful and continues to be.  After we listened to the song, "Reckless Love" I shared how I was reflecting on ways that Jesus had kicked down walls I put up around my heart, How he tore down lies that I believed about myself or about Him.  I told how had and was meeting me in intimate ways when I would just take time to listen and ask Him where He was in the room with me or what He wanted to say to me.  If you would like a copy of my testimony to read I'd gladly email it to you.  In my testimony I talked about how I finally feel, like after this last yr and a half, that I am coming up for air.  That I am finally gaining some strength to get things done and to get more involved in building relationships with people, etc.  However, I am also aware that I still need to take things slow and make sure I continue to get healthy physically and emotionally.

I am feeling a stirring inside of me.  I am passionate about women finding freedom in their lives.  Freedom from bondage of sin, of lies they believe about God or themselves, freedom of self-pity or not viewing themselves as their CREATOR made them to be.  I am passionate about wanting people to not live in the status quo but to want MORE in their walks with God.  To want MORE in their prayer lives.  I long for revival in my town and country. And I am realizing that this needs to begin with me.  And I am praying about what it looks like to start a little prayer group with some women, where we would gather, do prophetic prayer and listening to God together.

I have had a wonderful few days at home by myself.  My kids were up north with my parents and my hubby worked during the day so I was able to get some things organized, prepped in the freezer, cleaned, etc.  After listening to on online book this week I realized that chaos, mess, etc stresses me out.  So I wanted to try to be better at organizing, cleaning, etc so that I don't walk into a room and immediately feel a little wave of anxiety at the mess I see.  This then spills out into my parenting and it isn't always good.  So I want to take time each day to exercise, spend with Jesus, and use the time my kids are in school to get things done around the house so that when they are home I can be more present and less stressed out.  This also means letting the garden go.  So there are weeds, so what!  I have better things to do than to keep an immaculate yard. (But weeds sure do speak to me about sin.  They seem small one day and a few days later they are huge.  Just like sin.  We may think something is a small sin in our life but if we don't deal with it and knock it down it will become a big issue). I still have a long list of things I want to do but I am realizing I am tired out and that I am in need of some me and Jesus time.  So today is a day to reflect, blog, rest and soak with HIM.

As a side note: TPN has been a big help.  My body is finally hydrated.  I have gained weight and the last I talked to the Dr he figured I'd only need to be on it for a yr.  So here's hoping!  I still have digestive issues and take lots of meds for that but I do look healthier and am now needing to find clothes that fit this new body that's been slowly gaining weight as I grow out of the clothes I bought in the kids' youth sections of stores.  Thanks for the prayers.

Dream Small

A friend posted this on FB last week.  I love the lyrics.  I have struggled this last yr and half to know what I can do to make a difference.  I was living overseas, loving what I was doing and believing that what I was doing was making an eternal significance.  Then that identity was stripped of me and I came to the place of realizing my identity is that I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE MOST HIGH KING and that is all that matters.  That is significant. 

One of the lines in this song is, "Keep praying."  This is something I can do.  I will admit that my relationship with Jesus has not been where I've longed for it to be this past yr.  I have had little capacity or energy to take care of me, my home and my family so it's been hard to carve out the time and energy I long to have to soak with Jesus, journal and invest in that relationship.  Worship songs are a way I connect.  Yet I desire to get back into my journal Bibles that I started for me kids (where I can journal on the margins when a verse stands out or I wanna write a prayer for my kids next to a verse.  Today is actually the first day where I feel like I have some energy and strength that has been lacking in a long time.  I guess the TPN is doing what it's supposed to...that and all the prayers sent up on my behalf.  And in this last week this other song has been on my mind throughout my days, when I wake up, etc.  I am reminded that no matter HE LOVES ME with a reckless love!

Anyways, I love to pray.  Last week a friend told another friend about an incident where she told me about some nightmares she was having and I took some time to do some listening/inner healing prayer with her.  I invited her to go back into her nightmare and meet Jesus there and to experience the freedom He longed for her from those nightmares.  She said after that she hasn't had another nightmare.  So we talked about my passion for others to hear God's voice, my yearning to be in community with prophetic and listening prayer.  I kinda jokingly said, "Well I guess that's something I can do is pray.  Maybe I should put something on FB and tell people if they want prayer they could come and I will pray for them."  They said I totally should.  After reflecting on it, I would love to do that.  Eventually, when health, money and time allows I will attend a 5 day training seminar to work towards my life coaching training.  But in the mean time I have been trained to walk people through STEPS TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST.  I have been trained in inner healing and listening prayer.  So this is something I am offering to Jesus, asking for opportunities to use my gifts and my passions to walk alongside others and be able to see them experience the freedom He longs for them to have in their own lives. 

Please join me in prayer as I seek what little things I can do in the lives of those around me.  Lord, I am ready to be used right where I am!

The Power Of Words

I have been on TPN for just over 3 weeks.  The first 2 and a half weeks were rough with a lot of pain, lack of sleep and adjusting.  But I was asked to go off for a few days because my blood work showed my potassium was too high.  Too much potassium can negatively affect my heart.  They ordered me new TPN without it.  I have been on that now for almost a week and I feel much better.

I have started to gain weight.  When I look at my body I feel huge.  Some nights I have felt like my body was retaining water as it did when I was pregnant with K and that I was a balloon about to explode from the water retention.  But then I look at pictures and I see how skinny I still am.

I get comments.  Some are harder to hear than others.  All are meant to be encouraging.  When I am told that I look rounder or that I look like I have gained weight it isn't always easy to hear.  When I hear that I look marvelous and healthier that's better.  I used to be anorexic in Jr. High and High School.  Actually until after my 1st yr of Bible School.  I had a competition with some other girls to see who would be under 100 by grad.  I bawled when I was 103.  I over exercised and watched what I ate.  It never got super bad like being hospitalized but my self esteem and view of myself was low.

It was at the training of a summer missions trip I was part of where I received my healing.  We talked about footholds that Satan had in our lives and how we needed to find freedom in Jesus through that.  I knew right away I needed prayer.  I was already planning how I was going to avoid or skip meals and how I was going to watch my weight that summer.  I knew this was taking my eyes off of Jesus and off of what He wanted to do in and through me that summer.

The leaders invited me to read Song of Songs chapter 4 over and over as they prayed with me, over me and tried to help me see where the roots were in my life that caused me to have this mindset.  I grew up having a little bit of a pot belly.  Not huge but not muscular either.  People made comments.  In grade 8 someone who was supposed to be a friend drew a picture of me as being fat and passed it around the class.  Everyone saw it but me.  Thankfully a friend told me about it.  I vowed after that to never be FAT.  And thus began the spiral.

The verse that stood out to me during this was Song of Songs 4:7: "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you."  I read this verse over and over until I could finally muster up some faith to believe this was true about me.  That night I experienced freedom over the mindset and anorexia.  And I feel like Satan lost some hold of my life at that point.  That night when I was trying to sleep I heard a roaring voice in the room.  Another girl who was sleeping in the same room heard it as well.  I saw body parts on the ceiling and it was rather scary.  But I prayed to Jesus and rebuked Satan and I experienced peace and freedom and fell asleep.

Do you know that a high percentage of people who have had some sort of trauma in their life like sexual abuse for example, have eating disorders?  Not all, but a lot.  So after this training night I also had some yrs of counseling for other things from my past and have had a much better perspective of myself and my body.  It's been a process.  I do not like hearing people complain about their weight.  And now the perspective I have is that when we put ourselves down, our looks, our bodies, our abilities we are putting down the CREATOR who created us.  He says in the Bible that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  If I put myself down it's like I am telling God He didn't do a good job.

However words are powerful.  When I was pregnant I was introduced to someone I didn't know well.  The person introducing me didn't have any mean intention but made a comment of how huge I looked.  I went home that night and ended up in tears.  When body image used to be something I struggled with a lot it was hard to have my body change and grow.  Yes pregnancy is amazing and a miracle but your body changes in ways you've never experienced before.

Now fast forward to this last almost 2 yrs.  In fall of 2016 I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos.  I was trying to figure out how to best eat for those two diseases.  I did research on eating the auto-immune protocol diet.  Each disease had it's own diet that seemed to conflict at times.  One diet told me to eat broccoli, etc the other said not to.  After much stressing I did my best to limit the broccoli and foods in that family, to go gluten free and sugar free.  I started losing weight.  Then I got sick and eventually found out I had cancer.  Now for sure I wanted to limit my cancer as I had read that glucose/sugar is like food for the cancer cells.  4 surgeries later and I was down 40 lbs.  At my lowest, 77 lbs, my husband said I looked like death.  For the last yr he felt like every time he was going to hug me he might break me.  At first I couldn't stand to look at myself.  I was a walking skeleton basically.  I had to shop in the children's stores for clothes.  I struggle to sit for long as I don't have a lot of fat on my butt so sitting on a tail bone is pretty painful.

However over time this has become my normal.  I've gotten used to this body even though I knew it wasn't healthy.  I tried to eat.  I stuffed my face but due to having no colon I couldn't eat fiber, a lot of veggies and fruits, etc.  Sugary foods ran through me too.  At times it felt like all I was thinking about was food and figuring out what I could eat, and I tried my best to gain weight.

Now in the last 3 weeks I have gained 4 maybe 5 lbs.  This is huge after having only gained 3 or 4 lbs in the last yr.  But my body is changing and it's taking some getting used to.  Clothes are fitting a little snugger.  This is all good, I know that.  Yet remember, I used to have an anorexic mindset and I am aware that I need to be careful where my thoughts go.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8

 This is a verse I need to focus on.  To capture my thoughts and give them to Jesus.  I have talked to my doctor and nurse to let them know that I am fully aware that gaining weight might affect me.  I don't want it to yet I also want to be aware of it too.  My husband told me he no longer just sees my bones when he looks at my back.  I know I look healthier.  For one I am more hydrated and that helps big time. I barely drank this last yr because if I did food would run through me faster.  TPN bypasses my gut and gets hydration and nutrients into my cells.

Knowing that words have positively or negatively affected me lately has also had me thinking about what words I use with my kids.  Am I saying things that build them up or tear their spirits down even if it's not intentional?

I am also aware that it's easier for someone to comment and tell someone that they look good when they are losing weight.  But it's harder to know what to say to someone trying to gain weight.  Overall I am thankful that I am looking healthier, that I feel like I have a little more energy and life in me too.  Thanks for the prayers, please keep them coming.

I have been asked to share my testimony later this month at a ladies event.  There are so many stories I could tell but I really want to glorify God and share what it is that He wants me to share.  I long for my words to be an encouragement to the ladies that attend.  I'd appreciate your prayers as I seek God and what it is He wants me to share. 

TPN-one week in

 My work station in my room and the white bag of nutrients I get every night for 8 hrs.

On Tuesday,of last week, a lady from my church drove me the 45 mins to the hospital and stayed with me for the day surgery.  After a day with her I'll say she's a new friend.  Being able to connect, talk about our desires for more of God and the Holy Spirit in our lives/families/community and share some of our struggles together, and of course praying together (while I waited to go into surgery) refreshed me.  That coupled with the many prayers on my behalf, I experienced PEACE.  True peace that comes from the Father. 

I came out of surgery to find out that they had attempted to put the port in on the right side but were unable to so they had to put it in on the left.  They had thought they might have nicked my lung but the x-ray proved otherwise, thankfully.  That night I started TPN for the first time.

All the training sessions later I still felt overwhelmed trying to make sure I kept things clean and sterile in order to make sure I don't have any infections, clots, etc.  Thankfully I was able to take some videos during our last training session so on the first night my hubby played the video beside me while I tried to slowly figure it all out.

I am getting much quicker now at hooking up at night and unhooking in the morning.  I have yet to attempt the gripper (needle) change that will happen once a week.  That's too hard to wrap my head around stabbing myself with a needle.  So thankfully this Thursday when I go to get my stitches out they will also change my gripper. 

Many people have asked how I am feeling.  I guess they, along with myself, thought I'd feel really good on TPN.  To be honest it's been pretty brutal.  I have neck and back/shoulder pain (later learned that muscle in the front was cut to insert the port and that stress and tension has affected the muscles in the back ) so sleeping has been difficult.  I experienced nausea, a horrible headache for a number of days, exhaustion from not sleeping well at night.  Normally I was up once or twice a night before TPN.  Now I am up some times almost ever hour and a half or 2 hrs.  The bags under my eyes have gotten bigger and puffier and my capacity to care for myself/home/kids, etc has been minimal.  I am thankful for the few meals that were brought this week and for friends and family who have helped out with the kiddos and rides, etc.  Recent blood work showed my phosphate levels are too high which may be the reason for my weakness.  So now I await more TPN bags that will be delivered without phosphate this time and then I need to get my blood drawn up next week to see if those levels come down.  I wish we lived closer to a larger center to get blood work.  Usually it's a 45 min to an hr drive to a lab that can do this type of blood work for me.  And my nurse informed me that some of her clients feel nauseated on TPN and she hoped I wasn't gonna be one of them.  I can only pray that things will get better from here on out.

When it is easy to see all the negative I am trying to find things to be thankful for.  It's one way I can try to be an example for my kids.  I am trying to teach them to not focus on just the negatives of their days but to list of the positives too.  I am thankful for the caring medical staff team I have.  What a gift!  I am thankful that yesterday was better than the previous week and even though today I am not feeling amazing I am feeling better than when I was at my worst last week.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me and my little family.  I am forever grateful for you. 

FACING YOUR GIANTS

This past yr. has not been an easy adjustment for our little family and my kids have not had an easy year trying to transition back into Canadian culture and trying to figure out friendships, etc. This has looked very different for each of them.   I started reading this book by Max Lucado with my son. So when I heard this song on the radio yesterday by Sanctus Real I knew I needed to share it with my him.  It's my prayer that I can be used of the Lord to build into my kids, to disciple them, pour into them, and remind them of their true identity in Jesus.  It is my prayer that they will live spirit-filled lives and that all the hardships they have had to endure will only shape their character and enable the Lord to use it all for His glory and for how He wants to use them and their life stories in the future.

It has not been easy trying to figure out how to take care of myself when I am needing to help my kids work through some heavy stuff in their lives.  But it is what I need to do in this season so that they can work through some of their giants in their life and be able to be more secure in Jesus through it.  Before I had my port put in on Tuesday of last week my son admitted that he was worried I might die.  To try to ease his worries I promised I would write a letter for him (and his dad and sister) to read when I went into the day surgery. When I asked my son what would happen if I did pass away he pointed out a few of the milestones in his life that I would miss.  I assured him that if I died I would be in heaven.  After this last year all the more death is not something I am afraid of.  Yet for my kids, I understand how traumatic it was seeing me so ill and spending so many months in and out of the hospital last yr.  I assured him that He has an amazing dad who would take such good care of them.  Yet after that conversation I feel more of a desire to blog more of my life story, to work on the journal Bibles I started for my kids and to write letters when I get a chance to so that they will have "fingerprints" of mine left behind if one day the Lord finally takes me home.

I heard this song today too.  Oh my dear kids I long for you to know the reckless love that the Father has for you.  He's good no matter how hard life seems to be.  He is faithful and will never never leave nor forsake you.  He loves you so much and wants to kick down the lies you are believing about you or your life circumstances.  He is in pursuit of a relationship with you!

He speaks!

My little girl has a neat little Bible that I read to her at night.  It's about various women in the Bible.  As I read one of the stories to my little girl last night I realized that I needed to take some time to go back over that story on my own because I believed God was speaking to me. 

Here are some quotes from this story that stood out to me: "I'm usually a happy, positive person, but those hard times took the sparkle right out of my eyes.  I felt like I was under a stormy cloud, and I couldn't find much to be happy about."
     "That's when I discovered Ruth's story in the Bible.  Her tale starts off even worse than my summer did.  But she kept on going.  She looked up to God and His people for help.  The more I read, the more I realized: God has a good plan in store, even though we may not see it at the moment."
     "Their lives (Ruth and Naomi) had been full of death and loss, but God brought them to a better place than they could have ever dreamed."  (When I read this I had to stop to reflect.  My life last yr felt like it was full of potential death and much loss...of health, friends, home, etc.  But I know that God has brought us here to Canada, to the little town we now call home.  And I am asking the Lord to open my eyes to be able to see that He has a plan and that this story is not over.  It doesn't end with loss, He's at work and Has a plan for me and my family, even though we can't see it right now).
 
    "Life can be a pretty awesome, beautiful thing."  "But then the hard times come- like death, divorce, broken friendships, or whatever hurts our hearts-and suddenly it's hard to see the beauty.  Everything looks so dark and hopeless.  We start to wonder if God even cares.
     Ruth reminds me that He does.  God's stories in our lives never end on a bad note because He has something incredible planned for every one of His children.  Like Ruth, we just have to keep hoping and trusting in God.  I can't wait to see what He has planned for me-and for you too!  Like little birds, He has us tucked right under His wing, where He loves us, protects us, and helps us grow closer to Him.  Don't worry if you're tired or it's dark right now.  The lights will shine again, and you'll be ready to fly!" 
  "Lord, you are always taking care of me, even when life gets really hard.  Thank you!"