He is There

This morning I sat down at breakfast to read from my devotional book, "Jesus Always" by Sarah Young.  This was today's reading.  So fitting since I went to bed with a heaviness in my heart, and the feeling of loneliness that I can't really explain.  I have some dear friends here in town, some new friends that I am making who are very welcoming and nice, and some wonderful friends living in other provinces or countries.  One of my biggest love languages is quality time.  However I don't always have the energy these days to invest in the quality time needed.  I miss the times where I would gather with my friends in T and we'd sit down around a big map of the country and spend an evening in prayer together.  I miss the prayer times, chats, laughs, and deep sharing together and the understanding of life overseas.  Some friendships have changed or been lost and that has been hard for me to accept.  I know I need to release those and see that there are many others around me that love me just as I am and that I don't need to be "friends" with everyone.  Yet that loneliness is there.  I can't really put it into words or fully describe why I even feel this way.  And tonight a deep sadness washed over me as I reflected and missed the loss of the life we lived there and the community we had overseas. But I am thankful that the Lord knew my heart this morning and reminded me that He sees me in my loneliness and even reminded me of one of my favorite verses from Isaiah 41.

My son and I have been slowly working through a devotional book on prayer.  We talked about some of the names of God this week and the one that stood out to both of us was "Jehovah Shammah" which means, "He is there." So I reflected on this a bit today as I processed with my son some hurtful words that were spoken to him during a sporting event, from some kids he didn't really know, and as I reflected on the loneliness I have been feeling lately.  As I reminded my son of the TRUTH of who he is in Christ rather than those crude words that were spoken to him, we both found comfort in the reality that "The almighty God of the universe is with us."  He was there through it all and is Here always with us.  So no matter where you are at know that He knows everything, He's right there.  He won't leave you.

This past weekend I found out that my friend Jody passed away from Goblet Cell Appendix cancer...the same cancer I had.  When I read the fb update from her husband I burst into tears.  Jody was diagnosed with cancer a month before I was.  When I was diagnosed I felt so alone because this was such a rare and aggressive cancer with little research done on it.  I was thankful that I found her online and we connected right away, even though there was a bit of an age gap.  She was a constant encouragement to me through my surgeries and healing.  We'd share doctor appointment updates and prayer requests.  She even sent me a picture of what our cancer looks like when she found out she had recurrence in her small intestine.  Her death meant the loss of a friend who understood my type of cancer.  It was a little bit of a reality check for me.  When I was diagnosed I was informed that this cancer would most likely return in the first yr to 2 yrs after.  Knowing she fought hard but that it was just over a yr that she passed away from her diagnosis affected me deeply.  I wished I was able to let her know how much she meant to me but her husband assured me that she knew that and appreciated me just the same.

Cancer sucks.  Healing from cancer sucks.  Dealing from chronic health issues from the cancer surgeries sucks.  But I am alive and I need to make the most of the time I have here on earth. I am becoming more passionate about making healthy changes in my home in regards to what we eat, what we put on our bodies in regards to lotions, shampoos, make-up etc, what ingredients are in the meds we take and snacks we eat.  I look back over my life and reflect on how much junk I ate over the yrs, how many chemicals I put into my body through things like midol, antibiotics, toxins in my make-up, my perfumes, cleaning supplies, etc and I wish I could go back and wish I would have made changes sooner.  But I can't live in regret and all I can do is slowly make those changes as I can now.  I am thankful (even though it can feel overwhelming to be making all these changes in diet and in our home at the same time) for this journey to better knowledge and better health that I am on right now.

And update on my health...well I FINALLY got my referral that I have been waiting for since fall to see the GI specialist.  That appointment is for May 30th.  I have my CT scan on the 28th of March.  I get my results on April 3rd and I see my GP on April 6th to discuss the fact that recent blood work showed I am still dealing with hypoglycemia and Hoshimotos (the autoimmune issues with my thyroid).  So lots of appointments coming up but again I am thankful for the medical team around me.

Tonight I finished a craft I have been working on through our Morning Out For Moms program in town.  I am not a crafty person and I didn't think this would turn out.  In fact I left it for a few days unfinished because I was afraid to really attempt it.  But I am happy with how it turned out for the most part.  I decided on this pattern because it reminded me of "THE KISSING HAND" book that I was able to read to my kids when I was in the hospital.  Each kid reacted differently when I was sick and in the hospital.  One found it hard to see me like that and preferred to not visit often.  The other had such a hard time leaving me at the hospital they would cry and kick and at times scream when we had to say good-bye.  I would kiss their hands and let them know that I loved them and was still with them in their hearts.  And I hope they will always know that no matter what happens to me.  This past week my little girl has had a hard time being away from me.  It's almost like a little bit of separation anxiety or like she remembers having to leave me in the hospital and just doesn't want to be without me.  In fact this week she has said a lot, "I just want to be with my Momma."  She often talks about heaven, death and the other day asked if we could all go to heaven at the same time so that she won't be lonely up there.  When I assured her she wouldn't be lonely because she'd get to meet our babies and Jesus she decided she'd first give her siblings a hug, then her Grandpa Mel and then Jesus.  She is known to tell strangers or others about how I used to be able to carry her.  How I used to be taller and stronger and not so tired all time, etc.  My heart aches for my kids and how everything from 2017 has and still affects them.  I am so thankful for Jehovah Shammah and that He's with my kids through every step of there healing through this difficult time. And just as I went to review what I wrote tonight I realized that I started my day reading my devotions and imagining me clinging to Jesus' hand and I ended my night finishing off this craft.  Now off to bed, placing my hand into Jesus' hand and my head on my pillow. 

God Wants Me

This weekend we watched a testimony and then a kids video and I felt the Lord speaking to me through both.

Phil Vischer, the man who created Veggie Tales, shared his testimony of his dream to create Veggie Tales, etc and to find ways to use entertainment to point others to Jesus.  His company, BIG IDEA, grew and was becoming well known.  He was suspected to become the next Walt Disney and his company the next Disney productions.  But then his company went bankrupt.  He was left wondering why God would give him his dream only to have it end this way.

"If God gives you a dream and shows up in it and then suddenly without warning that dream dies it may mean that God wants to know what is more important to you, the dream or HIM?  Once He has seen that you may get back your dream.  Or you may not.  And you may live the rest of your life without it but that's ok because you will have God."

Oh wow, I heard this and then my eyes started to well up with tears and I knew I needed to write that quote down.  From the time I was young I always saw myself as one who would live overseas and tell others about Jesus.  By the age of grade 3 I was looking into universities because I wanted to be a Veterinarian, and use that as a way to work overseas and tell others about Jesus.  That was until I graduated the the Lord told me He was calling me to people, not animals because animals don't have souls.  John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish/die but will have eternal life."

On the day we got married we walked out of our wedding to this song, "You said" by Shane and Shane.  I didn't want gifts, I just wanted to go serve overseas.  Our first yr of marriage was spent in the DR of Congo and then in 2007 we began to feel a tug towards the Middle East and to move overseas long term.  However, that journey took many many yrs.  In that time our Call to go was clarified and tested and it gave us even more passion to GO.  Finally after yrs of tears, praying, asking the Lord to continue to guide, lead and confirm this direction we believed He called us on, we were able to step foot in T in the fall of 2012.  Oh how that felt amazing and quickly it felt like home.  We thought we'd see our kids grow up there, grow old together there, and be part of whatever the Lord had in-store for us there.  But then suddenly that all changed on Feb 28, 2017 when we discovered how invasive my cancer was and when my hubby heard the Lord peacefully whisper that he was released to bring his family back to Canada.

So our adjustment back in the last 8 months has not been easy.  Seeing a dream die and being in a place of healing is hard.  But through Phil Vischer's testimony I felt the Lord whispering to me.  Phil reminded me of the importance that my identity is in Jesus.  I am a child of God.  My identity is not in what I do for God but in who I am in Him.  He went on to say, "When we don't know what God wants us to do-do NOTHING.  Wait on God."  So this is the season I am in.  I don't know what He wants me to do but I am learning it's not about DOING-it's about BEING.  My identity needs to be in God, who I am in HIM, and not in what I do.  I also need to not worry about "doing something that will impact others" but instead on just focusing on God.  And when we wait on God we need to make sure that His directions don't become more important than Him.

In the kids video (Galaxy Buck) Buck was all about trying to do something BIG for God.  He kept say, "God wants me to do something BIG."  But in the end he realised God just wanted him.  I need to not worry about the outcomes of what He asks me to do but to just be obedient.  God is enough, not because He can make my dreams come true.  He's enough even though our dreams of being overseas has died.  He's enough even though I am still healing and dealing with chronic issues.  He's enough even without our dreams.  And if I take time to sit with Him and really listen, I'll see Him healing me, speaking to me and smiling knowing that He has more plans for me...perhaps things I can't even ask for or imagine!

I will admit I longed to make an impact, a difference for the Lord in the lives of those around me.  Isaiah 61.  I longed to be able to be used by Him to help set people free from bondage and sin in their lives.  "The impact God has planned for us does not occur when we are pursuing impact.  It occurs when we are pursuing God.  And so I am convicted.  I need to find balance and time and make sure that time with God takes more of a priority in my life. 

An update on Me

Some people have been asking how I am doing.  Well this week felt a little discouraging for me. Let me explain.  I have a wonderful dietitian that seems to be going to bat for me all the time.  She is always giving me samples to try of things that are supposed to help me gain weight.  So far most seem to not be helping.  She is talking to doctors on my behalf to see where the referral is at to see the GI specialist (as I have been waiting months for that) or to get needed blood work to see where my electrolytes are, or to see how my liver is functioning from all the meds it takes in, or to see if other vitamins and minerals are at the right levels or not.  She had me take a few day food journal and punched it into a program.  That said that based on the calories I eat I should be gaining weight.  Since it doesn't appear I am (though I have not stepped on a scale in a few weeks) then it is most likely I am not absorbing all the nutrients and calories.  This is a problem.

Today I found out that the GI never even got a referral for me.  Like I said, I've been waiting for MONTHS!  So she made sure that my oncologist nurse would send in another request this time marking "URGENT" on it.  When I look at myself I don't feel like I'm urgent.  And yet I am fully aware that there are many dropping like flies around me and sick at home with influenza, the flu or bad colds.  Each of us in my family have sore throats right now but out of all of us I am managing to feel the best of them all PTL!  However I am aware that if I were to get so sick where I couldn't eat or where I couldn't drink (I already drink so little because liquids make the chronic runs worse) that I could be super dehydrated or lose too much weight that I'd be in a serious condition.  So I know that the fact that I am only 84ish lbs means I HAVE to gain wait and thus this is an urgent issue since all the meds I am on don't seem to be helping or watching what I do and don't eat doesn't even really help depending on the day.  And I know that the best diet for me considering I had cancer is to eat protein, high fats and omit sugar and eat WHOLE FOODS.  But usually fatty foods and whole foods run through me due to the fibre.  So it's hard to not stress about food and wonder how my body will handle what I put into it. 

So the suggestion is TPN.  Check out this link to find out more of what that is. http://www.merckmanuals.com/en-ca/professional/nutritional-disorders/nutritional-support/total-parenteral-nutrition-tpn
So right now I will be getting some blood work taken on Monday.  Once those results come back then I will talk to my pain doctor and my dietitian and wait to see the GI specialist.  From there, if I go with TPN I will need to get a port inserted at the hospital and eventually can be at home and hooked up to TPN at night to hopefully help me gain some weight.  Perhaps this would give me more energy too.  I'm not sure how long this would be for maybe weeks or months?

Thinking about TPN brings back memories of me telling my daughter I was going for a check up and I'd be back only to find out my weight was down and I was back in the hospital for a week and then having the iv inserted in my neck.  That was the only vein left that could handle that thick solution at the time while I was crying, knowing it would take a week again or more before I could head home to see my kids again.  It's like PTSD in a way when I look back on this last yr.  However, tonight my hubby said he had a different take on TPN because he views TPN as something that brings life back into me as last yr he saw me looking like I was almost on my death bed on a day that I was forced back into the hospital and back on TPN last March/April.  I so so don't want to go down that route but if after the blood work results and my visit with the GI this is what is recommended I know I need to seriously consider it.

Feb 28th marks a yr from my Major Surgery.  That is the surgery that took 8 hrs, many organs and that changed the course of our lives like we never imagined.  On my appendix cancer fb site I asked if others struggled with weight gain and runs like I did and if others were on as many meds as I am.  Though many deal with some of the same complications and side effects from surgery and HIPEC that I have not all of them are on as many meds as I am without much relief.  Looks like I am unique in this in some ways.  I get lonely and want to go to Bible Study or see friends but because it's at night I can't guarantee that I will be feeling well enough.  This past Thursday I had to miss study again because I was in pain and my digestive system was not doing great to the point that all I could do was rest on the couch.  So frustrating.  And may be embarrassing to really talk about my issues but it's what I deal with on a daily basis so why hide it.  Most days my energy levels are low and I am SO thankful for our amazing babysitter that takes care of my daughter 8 hrs a week so I can rest and get some stuff done. 

I have greater respect for those who deal with chronic pain or chronic health issues.  And yet even though I struggle I am thankful I am doing way better than I was a yr ago.  I know the Lord is with me and He'll carry me. 

I continue to wonder what the Lord has for me in this season.  On Sunday my hubby preached in church.  He did a great job by the way.  And he mentioned that he's been able to walk with some people through the Steps to Freedom in Christ.  And I realized that this is something I could do.  Both of us have walked through the steps and both of us are trained in walking with others.  So I told my pastor that if he ever knew of any females that would want to do the steps I'd be willing to walk them through them.  That would be life giving for me.  To come alongside others, pray for them and see them find freedom and inner healing.  Once my daughter is in school in the fall I really do want to look into finishing my life coaching training.  But until then I need to rest and try to get stronger. I am thankful that this week I have been able to have some visits with friends which helps me not feel so lonely and also gives me encouragement on this journey that I am on. 

I am getting tired of the cold and long for Spring to come.  But then the thought of yard work and planting a garden and taking care of it makes me tired just thinking of it.  I certainly hope I'll have energy for all of that but at this point I I'm ok with not having to worry about our yard. 

With the passing of Billy Graham this week I've reflected on how people knew Billy as someone who LOVED Jesus and who was bold in his faith.  He was an evangelist.  I've asked myself who is it that I want to be known as.  I want to be known as someone who LOVES Jesus and LOVES others.  Who loves to walk alongside others in their sorrows and valleys, who loves to help people find freedom and healing.  Someone who loves to go to deep places with others and who longs to see her children walking with the Lord with a full assurance of HIS love for them. I want to be someone who is known as one who rejoices with others and who also points others to Jesus.  My character continues to be a work in progress and I am so far from who I want to be.  But thankfully I know that Lord is not finished with me yet. 

Sure I am passionate right now about trying to eliminate toxins and chemicals from my home and our family's lifestyle.  I long for my family to eat healthier (how I wish my one kid wasn't so picky but gotta trust they will grow out of it) and to make healthier lifestyle choices so that is something I thing about.  But as a whole I want to make sure I spend my time and energy growing my walk with Jesus because I want that to be a legacy I leave behind for my kids. 

As a side note: If you could please pray that the bad sore throats my hubby and son have and the cold my daughter has will stay away for me I'd appreciate that.  We've been doing out best to keep sickness at bay but with so many ill at school it's hard for it to not get brought home.  Thank you for all your prayers especially over this last yr. 

Rest

These past few days I have so little energy.  I feel like I could curl up in my bed and sleep for days.  The exhaustion makes it hard to really be able to put a good effort into taking care of my family or myself for that matter.

But this morning my little girl was being looked after and I was able to have a long soak in the bath tube and rest.  Then I sat down to journal.  I wrote to God telling him how tired I was and how I needed His strength cause I felt like I had little of my own these days.  I opened up my devotional, "Jesus Always" and this was today's reading:

He cares and it's in HIM that I will find the rest that I need.

World Cancer Day

Today is World Cancer Day.  Someone on my Appendix Cancer FB page posted this video.  This man fought hard however he lost his battle in 2015.  I had tears in my eyes as I watched this video.  Afterwards I cuddled on the couch with my daughter while we watched a video together.  We talked about how I was filling up her "cuddle tank."  I am so so thankful for my amazing kids, my loving husband, and the gifts of family and friends around me.  I am so thankful my kids still have their mommy around.  As I cuddled my daughter I said a silent prayer asking the Lord to allow me to see my little girl grow up, get married and have kids.  The other day I drove by the river, where some people have gotten baptized, and I asked the Lord to give me years so that one day I can see my kids get baptized, grow in their relationships with HIM, grow up, get married and have kids.

I have tears as I write.  I know it's a miracle I am alive.  I was told that this cancer, if it were to come back, would most likely come back in this first yr or two.  So we've made it to yr 1 since diagnosis.  My husband informed me that he wondered if he was gonna have to transport my body back home last spring.  My little girl talks regularly about heaven and how she will never let go of my heart and how I will always be her mommy even if I go to heaven.  My kids have had to process a lot in this last yr.  I am so thankful Jesus has been walking with us so closely through it all.  I am so blessed that we were able to gather with some family and friends on January 26th and celebrate 1 yr since diagnosis.  I forgot to take pictures.  It is my prayer that we'll have many more yrs to celebrate.

In the above video he says this: "When you die it doesn't mean you lose to cancer.  You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the matter in which you live."

This man left a legacy and he had a platform in which he was noticed and could raise awareness for cancer and his fight against it.  I don't have a platform but I can only hope and pray that through all of this the Lord will transform me into more of His likeness and that some how my kids and others around me will be encouraged to draw closer to Jesus through it all.  I had and opportunity on the 30th of January to share my story at the local Morning Out For Mom's program.  I shed some tears.  And as I shared I told people that I have seen God's fingerprints all over my story, and especially this last yr.  I encouraged them to each share a story of their own and how the Lord was with them even during something difficult or painful.  Tears were shared and I believe we all left feeling encouraged.

Growing up one of my favorite verses was Hebrews

Hebrews 13:5-6 English Standard Version (ESV)

5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 6 So we can confidently say,

“The Lord is my helper;
    I will not fear;
what can man do to me?”

I know that He has not left me nor abandoned me.  He has been my helper and He will continue to be right here with me.

Another quote that Stuart Scott said that had me in tears was: "So live.  Live!  Fight like hell.  And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you."

Rest.  This is something I was talking to with a friend of mine this week as we Skyped.  Cheryl has been an encouragement me me as she has been fighting her own cancer battle.  She was diagnosed a few months before I was.  She is a blessing and encouragement to me in how she is walking out her Faith, leaving a legacy behind for her kids, sharing her story, and leaning into JESUS.  We talked about how they have a babysitter 4 days a week.  How she is getting help with her kids and how that is enabling her time to REST, to write and to take care of Her.  I am so thankful for our babysitter that we have 8 hrs a week.  What a blessing.  However I realized after my Skype that I need to rest more.  I need to some how make time to get naps in more regularly.  When I don't take care of me I become more stressed, short with my family, and unable to really feel like I can thrive.  But I feel guilty asking for help.  I feel guilty putting on the TV for my little girl so I can rest.  I feel guilty having others take care of my kiddos when I feel it's something I should be able to do.  I feel like, compared to a yr ago I am doing way better.  In talking with one aunt today she used the word, "stable" to describe how she sees me.  Yes I am stable I guess.  Tests seem to show things are good but I am so so tired and weak.  I wonder some times if I had adrenal fatigue or if my liver needs a good cleansing from all of the meds I have to take daily.  When people ask how I am feeling I say, "Tired."  I know it seems like I am on repeat when I say that but it's the easiest way to describe how I am doing without trying to sound like I am complaining.

My grandpa turns 98 tomorrow.  He's my hero.  He is a man who has been through A LOT but I have never heard him complain.  When asked how he's doing he'll say, "Not too bad."  And then I think of my father-in-law.  He fought cancer off and on for the 10 yrs that I knew him.  He also was known as a person who didn't complain.  So I feel challenged.  How I respond to my struggles is being watched and I need to lean in to Jesus for His strength so I can walk this road out with integrity, His strength, and joy.  Last week I was telling someone that I have not blamed God at all through this or wondered WHY ME?  However that same day we found out our closest neighbors from T, their only daughter finally got engaged and the wedding would be this summer or before summer.  I was so sad.  That is one wedding I really wanted to be at.  $6,000 is just too much for our family to be able to afford to go this summer and I am not sure I'd be healthy enough to travel.  But it made me so sad and I asked the "Why did we have to come back to Canada" question and "I wish that I didn't have this cancer". But I know I can get stuck in those thoughts so all I can do is take each day, find things to be thankful for and lean more into Jesus.  He has a plan for me and for my family in all of this.  I can't see what that is right now but perhaps it's not for me to know right now either.

We had the joy of having a friend who lived in T when we did come visit us this weekend.  He lives in Texas now so he wanted to experience a Canadian Winter.  Well he was able to come over a really COLD weekend.  We had fun showing him ice castles, and going to a NHL game, etc.  We were able to speak in Turkish a bit together.  Able to talk about missing our other home and our community there.  Able to relate to each other and he was able to relate to my kids about being a TCK (third culture kid).  It was a blessing. But all the busyness made my body scream.  While at the hockey game I spent most of the first period in and out of the washroom.  My digestive system was not working well and my body was crashing.  So today my everyone else went out for lunch and I got to stay home and sleep.  I woke up feeling like I had more energy.  I need to do this more.  Taking care of me isn't something I can do easily when I am taking care of home and kids, etc.

And I also know that how I spend my time will be a legacy for my kids.  I could spend it all on my phone or cleaning my home and making meals. Or I could spend it with them creating memories, and also spend it with Jesus knowing that when my kids see me in the Word, and praying I will be teaching them what it means/looks like to turn to Jesus.  This is something I have been challenged with this weekend and something I want to do better with.  To be wise where I invest my time and how I invest it (even with whom) so that I can be an example and testimony to my kids.

Can you please join me in praising Jesus for LIFE and also praying for REST and a renewal in my walk with Jesus.  I long to commune with Him more, hear His voice more clearly and to be able to have my prayer life and devotional life revived and feel like I have the energy to spend with HIM like I used to.  I miss being able to minister to other people rather than being in a state of needing to be encouraged, ministered to and helped.  It's a humbling place to be in.  And if you read this please let me know, thanks.

Question

Some people have commented that they have had issues leaving comments on the blog.  I am not sure why.  Please let me know if you'd have trouble and I will try to figure it out.

I get to share my testimony tomorrow at Morning Our For Mom's.  I am excited and nervous at the same time and I would appreciate your prayers.  Thanks.

La La Land

A dear friend offered to take my little girl for the morning so I could have some time to reflect and journal about this past yr.  What a gift!  Sorry for those of you who are sick of hearing about this but dates have always been a significant thing for me.  Perhaps it's because I was born two days before Christmas and my parents always did a good job of separating the two, making sure we celebrated both my birthday and Christmas.  So today, Jan, 26 2018, is like my 1 year birthday celebrating 1 yr since I was diagnosed with Goblet Cell Adenocarcinoma of the appendix.  At times this last yr I was so ill, so underweight and so without fight and strength to keep on that my husband really wondered if I'd be alive or if he'd have to figure out how to transport a body home.  But I am alive and personally I think it's worth celebrating!

One yr ago, we went to the hospital to get my bandages removed from the appendix surgery I had the week prior.  We had purchased tickets to go watch LA LA LAND after my appointment because it had been awhile since we had a date.  At the hospital neither of us were prepared to hear the words: (granted the Dr spoke in another language so it took a bit to process what he was saying too) "It's not good, there was a tumor!"  "Appendix Cancer."  "We need to do another surgery."  This was the first time in my life I had even heard that appendix cancer was such a thing.  We were dumb founded.  Finally we had an answer for all of my pain but it was a hard answer to try to accept. But we had our tickets and decided to go watch the movie and then make calls to family and friends after to let them know the news.  We sat next to each other, hand in hand, watching the movie, while our minds swirled around.  All I could think of was my kids.  How was this going to affect them?  How do I tell them?  What is the way forward?  I just prayed and asked the Lord for wisdom.

On the drive home after the movie I started to what's app my friends.  The tears began to flow and I couldn't hold them in.  Before all of this we felt like we were living and serving and using our gifts...we were in our sweet spot in life.  But now our lives were about to change.

Soon after my diagnosis my husband bought me these gloves.  Before we moved back to Canada some of our sweet friends wrote notes on it.  These gloves were my visual reminder to fight.

This morning I woke up to this song in my head.  So much truth!  Through the storms of this past yr I have had the front row seat to really see His love for me, provision for me and my family, healing, how He's been my anchor in the storm and how I need to daily rest on HIS promises and truths even when all around me the storm ranges on or it feels dark around me.

I messaged my surgeon this morning.  The one who performed my last 2 out of my four surgeries last year.  He was surprised to hear from me.  I wanted to thank him for performing the surgery and being as aggressive as he was at removing the cancer and organs.  I believe that helped to save my life even if that means I am still suffering the consequences from those surgeries.

Today I am thankful for the many many friends, family and other people who have walked with us, encouraged us, supported us, took care of us, helped out, loved on us, and prayed for us.  How do people walk through such things without having a FAITH and HOPE in Jesus and a community around them?  I am not sure.  But I do know that for me I couldn't have walked through this past year without HIM and without the assurance of my relationship and salvation with HIM.  In my weakness He became my strength.  He has been and will continue to be Lord of all no matter what happens.

Tonight we are having a little party to celebrate.  My kids have been talking more about death or their fears or starting to verbally process more of what all happened this last yr.  Today I reminded my son what day it was and he gave me a big hug.  My daughter put on some nice dress clothes...ready to celebrate and we danced around to this song above. Today we celebrate LIFE and all that means for me and my family.  And after the kids are in bed my husband and I will watch LA LA LAND! He has so faithfully walked with me through the highs and lows of this last yr.  Put up with me when I was dealing with all the emotions and issues that come from being forced into menopause and with all the recovery I have had to have post surgeries.  He's loved me through it all.  I have much to be thankful for!