These past few days I have so little energy. I feel like I could curl up in my bed and sleep for days. The exhaustion makes it hard to really be able to put a good effort into taking care of my family or myself for that matter.
But this morning my little girl was being looked after and I was able to have a long soak in the bath tube and rest. Then I sat down to journal. I wrote to God telling him how tired I was and how I needed His strength cause I felt like I had little of my own these days. I opened up my devotional, "Jesus Always" and this was today's reading:
He cares and it's in HIM that I will find the rest that I need.
Today is World Cancer Day. Someone on my Appendix Cancer FB page posted this video. This man fought hard however he lost his battle in 2015. I had tears in my eyes as I watched this video. Afterwards I cuddled on the couch with my daughter while we watched a video together. We talked about how I was filling up her "cuddle tank." I am so so thankful for my amazing kids, my loving husband, and the gifts of family and friends around me. I am so thankful my kids still have their mommy around. As I cuddled my daughter I said a silent prayer asking the Lord to allow me to see my little girl grow up, get married and have kids. The other day I drove by the river, where some people have gotten baptized, and I asked the Lord to give me years so that one day I can see my kids get baptized, grow in their relationships with HIM, grow up, get married and have kids.
I have tears as I write. I know it's a miracle I am alive. I was told that this cancer, if it were to come back, would most likely come back in this first yr or two. So we've made it to yr 1 since diagnosis. My husband informed me that he wondered if he was gonna have to transport my body back home last spring. My little girl talks regularly about heaven and how she will never let go of my heart and how I will always be her mommy even if I go to heaven. My kids have had to process a lot in this last yr. I am so thankful Jesus has been walking with us so closely through it all. I am so blessed that we were able to gather with some family and friends on January 26th and celebrate 1 yr since diagnosis. I forgot to take pictures. It is my prayer that we'll have many more yrs to celebrate.
In the above video he says this: "When you die it doesn't mean you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the matter in which you live."
This man left a legacy and he had a platform in which he was noticed and could raise awareness for cancer and his fight against it. I don't have a platform but I can only hope and pray that through all of this the Lord will transform me into more of His likeness and that some how my kids and others around me will be encouraged to draw closer to Jesus through it all. I had and opportunity on the 30th of January to share my story at the local Morning Out For Mom's program. I shed some tears. And as I shared I told people that I have seen God's fingerprints all over my story, and especially this last yr. I encouraged them to each share a story of their own and how the Lord was with them even during something difficult or painful. Tears were shared and I believe we all left feeling encouraged.
Growing up one of my favorite verses was Hebrews
Hebrews 13:5-6English Standard Version (ESV)
5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”6 So we can confidently say,
“The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”
I know that He has not left me nor abandoned me. He has been my helper and He will continue to be right here with me.
Another quote that Stuart Scott said that had me in tears was: "So live. Live! Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you."
Rest. This is something I was talking to with a friend of mine this week as we Skyped. Cheryl has been an encouragement me me as she has been fighting her own cancer battle. She was diagnosed a few months before I was. She is a blessing and encouragement to me in how she is walking out her Faith, leaving a legacy behind for her kids, sharing her story, and leaning into JESUS. We talked about how they have a babysitter 4 days a week. How she is getting help with her kids and how that is enabling her time to REST, to write and to take care of Her. I am so thankful for our babysitter that we have 8 hrs a week. What a blessing. However I realized after my Skype that I need to rest more. I need to some how make time to get naps in more regularly. When I don't take care of me I become more stressed, short with my family, and unable to really feel like I can thrive. But I feel guilty asking for help. I feel guilty putting on the TV for my little girl so I can rest. I feel guilty having others take care of my kiddos when I feel it's something I should be able to do. I feel like, compared to a yr ago I am doing way better. In talking with one aunt today she used the word, "stable" to describe how she sees me. Yes I am stable I guess. Tests seem to show things are good but I am so so tired and weak. I wonder some times if I had adrenal fatigue or if my liver needs a good cleansing from all of the meds I have to take daily. When people ask how I am feeling I say, "Tired." I know it seems like I am on repeat when I say that but it's the easiest way to describe how I am doing without trying to sound like I am complaining.
My grandpa turns 98 tomorrow. He's my hero. He is a man who has been through A LOT but I have never heard him complain. When asked how he's doing he'll say, "Not too bad." And then I think of my father-in-law. He fought cancer off and on for the 10 yrs that I knew him. He also was known as a person who didn't complain. So I feel challenged. How I respond to my struggles is being watched and I need to lean in to Jesus for His strength so I can walk this road out with integrity, His strength, and joy. Last week I was telling someone that I have not blamed God at all through this or wondered WHY ME? However that same day we found out our closest neighbors from T, their only daughter finally got engaged and the wedding would be this summer or before summer. I was so sad. That is one wedding I really wanted to be at. $6,000 is just too much for our family to be able to afford to go this summer and I am not sure I'd be healthy enough to travel. But it made me so sad and I asked the "Why did we have to come back to Canada" question and "I wish that I didn't have this cancer". But I know I can get stuck in those thoughts so all I can do is take each day, find things to be thankful for and lean more into Jesus. He has a plan for me and for my family in all of this. I can't see what that is right now but perhaps it's not for me to know right now either.
We had the joy of having a friend who lived in T when we did come visit us this weekend. He lives in Texas now so he wanted to experience a Canadian Winter. Well he was able to come over a really COLD weekend. We had fun showing him ice castles, and going to a NHL game, etc. We were able to speak in Turkish a bit together. Able to talk about missing our other home and our community there. Able to relate to each other and he was able to relate to my kids about being a TCK (third culture kid). It was a blessing. But all the busyness made my body scream. While at the hockey game I spent most of the first period in and out of the washroom. My digestive system was not working well and my body was crashing. So today my everyone else went out for lunch and I got to stay home and sleep. I woke up feeling like I had more energy. I need to do this more. Taking care of me isn't something I can do easily when I am taking care of home and kids, etc.
And I also know that how I spend my time will be a legacy for my kids. I could spend it all on my phone or cleaning my home and making meals. Or I could spend it with them creating memories, and also spend it with Jesus knowing that when my kids see me in the Word, and praying I will be teaching them what it means/looks like to turn to Jesus. This is something I have been challenged with this weekend and something I want to do better with. To be wise where I invest my time and how I invest it (even with whom) so that I can be an example and testimony to my kids.
Can you please join me in praising Jesus for LIFE and also praying for REST and a renewal in my walk with Jesus. I long to commune with Him more, hear His voice more clearly and to be able to have my prayer life and devotional life revived and feel like I have the energy to spend with HIM like I used to. I miss being able to minister to other people rather than being in a state of needing to be encouraged, ministered to and helped. It's a humbling place to be in. And if you read this please let me know, thanks.
Some people have commented that they have had issues leaving comments on the blog. I am not sure why. Please let me know if you'd have trouble and I will try to figure it out.
I get to share my testimony tomorrow at Morning Our For Mom's. I am excited and nervous at the same time and I would appreciate your prayers. Thanks.
A dear friend offered to take my little girl for the morning so I could have some time to reflect and journal about this past yr. What a gift! Sorry for those of you who are sick of hearing about this but dates have always been a significant thing for me. Perhaps it's because I was born two days before Christmas and my parents always did a good job of separating the two, making sure we celebrated both my birthday and Christmas. So today, Jan, 26 2018, is like my 1 year birthday celebrating 1 yr since I was diagnosed with Goblet Cell Adenocarcinoma of the appendix. At times this last yr I was so ill, so underweight and so without fight and strength to keep on that my husband really wondered if I'd be alive or if he'd have to figure out how to transport a body home. But I am alive and personally I think it's worth celebrating!
One yr ago, we went to the hospital to get my bandages removed from the appendix surgery I had the week prior. We had purchased tickets to go watch LA LA LAND after my appointment because it had been awhile since we had a date. At the hospital neither of us were prepared to hear the words: (granted the Dr spoke in another language so it took a bit to process what he was saying too) "It's not good, there was a tumor!" "Appendix Cancer." "We need to do another surgery." This was the first time in my life I had even heard that appendix cancer was such a thing. We were dumb founded. Finally we had an answer for all of my pain but it was a hard answer to try to accept. But we had our tickets and decided to go watch the movie and then make calls to family and friends after to let them know the news. We sat next to each other, hand in hand, watching the movie, while our minds swirled around. All I could think of was my kids. How was this going to affect them? How do I tell them? What is the way forward? I just prayed and asked the Lord for wisdom.
On the drive home after the movie I started to what's app my friends. The tears began to flow and I couldn't hold them in. Before all of this we felt like we were living and serving and using our gifts...we were in our sweet spot in life. But now our lives were about to change.
Soon after my diagnosis my husband bought me these gloves. Before we moved back to Canada some of our sweet friends wrote notes on it. These gloves were my visual reminder to fight.
This morning I woke up to this song in my head. So much truth! Through the storms of this past yr I have had the front row seat to really see His love for me, provision for me and my family, healing, how He's been my anchor in the storm and how I need to daily rest on HIS promises and truths even when all around me the storm ranges on or it feels dark around me.
I messaged my surgeon this morning. The one who performed my last 2 out of my four surgeries last year. He was surprised to hear from me. I wanted to thank him for performing the surgery and being as aggressive as he was at removing the cancer and organs. I believe that helped to save my life even if that means I am still suffering the consequences from those surgeries.
Today I am thankful for the many many friends, family and other people who have walked with us, encouraged us, supported us, took care of us, helped out, loved on us, and prayed for us. How do people walk through such things without having a FAITH and HOPE in Jesus and a community around them? I am not sure. But I do know that for me I couldn't have walked through this past year without HIM and without the assurance of my relationship and salvation with HIM. In my weakness He became my strength. He has been and will continue to be Lord of all no matter what happens.
Tonight we are having a little party to celebrate. My kids have been talking more about death or their fears or starting to verbally process more of what all happened this last yr. Today I reminded my son what day it was and he gave me a big hug. My daughter put on some nice dress clothes...ready to celebrate and we danced around to this song above. Today we celebrate LIFE and all that means for me and my family. And after the kids are in bed my husband and I will watch LA LA LAND! He has so faithfully walked with me through the highs and lows of this last yr. Put up with me when I was dealing with all the emotions and issues that come from being forced into menopause and with all the recovery I have had to have post surgeries. He's loved me through it all. I have much to be thankful for!
Tomorrow, January 18, marks 8 years since our first miscarriage. Since it took us 8 months of trying to get pregnant with our son we thought we'd start before he'd even turned a yr old for another baby. Little did we know that it would take 2 more years before we saw a positive pregnancy test. We felt we were to trust God in the process. However we also began to see a fertility specialist trying to figure out what was wrong. After a few failed IUI's we saw a nurse at a fertility clinic to discuss IVF. We both didn't feel comfortable going down that route but we wanted to at least have a chance to go to the fertility clinic and learn more and ask questions. That was December of 2009. This nurse tried to push us hard to start IVF. She even went so far as to tell us that we'd never get pregnant on our own without doing IVF. We asked for a month to go home and pray about this big decision. And God had other plans. We had set up a second opinion meeting at a different fertility clinic. But the day before we were supposed to go to that meeting I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. We were so excited. It was as if God was telling us we can get pregnant with HIS help not the help of IVF. We called family and some close friends. It had been a 2 yr wait so we really thought this was the baby we'd get to keep. We told our son and he gave the baby in my womb the nickname, "Baby Raspberry." We were all excited and I truly believe this one was a little girl. In fact after we had called my sister-in-law to tell her about our pregnancy she said she had seen a sticker that night that said "It's a girl." When I went to the Dr. to confirm my pregnancy the nurse came out and asked if I was really sure I had a positive test. Then the next thing I knew I was having an ultra sound a few days later. No baby was seen but I thought it was just because it was so early on in the pregnancy. But on January 18th I started to spot and when I went to the Dr. he informed me that I had a chemical pregnancy. I was heart broken. I never imagined dealing with secondary infertility and then a miscarriage. We found a picture on the internet of a raspberry (for those of you who don't know one of my favorite foods is raspberries) in order to remember our little one by. I did not notice until awhile later that there is actually another little start of a raspberry growing in that picture. It was as if it was a sign of HOPE from the Father. And over the next few years I would hold on to all the little signs of HOPE that I saw or heard.
My baby was due September 21st 2010. Her due date was super hard for me. I clearly remember having a bath, listening to worship music and crying out the Father begging for a glimpse of my baby since she died so young I didn't have a grave site to go visit. And the Father answered. I can't explain it but I really felt like I was holding my baby girl. It was a special moment where I encountered the Lord in such an intimate way and in the Spirit He gave me a picture of me being able to bury my daughter. I also had a picture of her in Heaven with brown hair and cute pigtails.
May 2011 I was training to run a 10 k run for the RUN FOR WATER. I decided to do a pregnancy test just to make sure since I was a little late with my period. Sure enough the test said pregnant. I was a little scared but I guess I truly believed this would be the one we'd get to keep. I decided to pull out of the race just to make sure. Only 8 days later I started to spot again and that fear and dread took over and I knew in my heart we were losing this baby. I clearly remember laying in the u/s room's bed and I saw a picture of Jesus standing next to me holding a baby in a blue blanket. At that moment I knew it was a boy and I knew my baby was safe in HIS arms. My son nicknamed that one Baby Flower. To this day I love seeing purple tulips.
Canada Day weekend 2012 was a hard weekend. We had just made a move from BC back to MB for the summer knowing in a few months our family of 3 would be moving overseas. On the drive home we took a few days to stop along the way. The night before we arrived in MB I was feeling like I was either pregnant or going to have my period. My hubby ran out to a grocery store and I took the test in the hotel room. I was shocked to learn that I was pregnant. If I back up a bit I will explain that after my first miscarriage someone told me they really felt that when my son was 5 I would get pregnant again. I wept when she told me that. I didn't want to wait that long. And I wasn't sure if I should believe that she heard from the Lord or not. In my training on hearing God's voice and on the prophetic I've been told to never give out MATES, DATES, or BABIES to people unless we really clearly felt that was from the Father. Well this pregnancy happened when my son was 5. So some how I believed this was the one we'd finally get to keep. We got to Trev's parents in MB and I began to go through my maternity clothes I had in storage. A friend of mine had given me some of her maternity clothes to hold on to as an act of HOPE. It was feeling real and I was starting to get excited. And yet when I was praying about this pregnancy I saw a picture of a blue butterfly being released into the sky out of hands and I heard a still small thought, "This one will not make it but the next one you will get to keep." A couple of days later we headed up to see my family for the Canada long weekend. Within hours of getting there I told my mom we were expecting and within about 2 hrs after that I began to spot. Oh I was devastated. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and lay down flat in hopes of stopping the bleeding and being able to keep the baby. The next day I lost so much blood and there was so much pain I had to go see a doctor. Because it was the long weekend and my parents live in a small town I had to go to a town 2 hrs away to see a Dr. He suspected I was miscarrying but told me to come back after the long weekend for an ultrasound. I was filled with anger when I realized that we had lost this baby. I did not understand why I needed to lose three babies and the hope of every having another child seem to fade.
Keep in mind we were supposed to be preparing to head overseas. I knew I had three miscarriages so this meant I could have genetic testing done but I didn't have a GP and I didn't have a lot of time to get in to someone who could order the testing I needed. The Lord moved mountains and lead me to the right people, who had the right connections, to get me into special doctors who gave us the genetic testing. We found an amazing Christian GP in the process since ours had moved away during the time we were living in BC. The tests came back with a stamp on it saying "NORMAL FEMALE and NORMAL MALE." There was nothing physically wrong according to these tests as to why we were losing these babies. So that October we packed up our stuff and moved our family overseas.
We settled into our home and began to start our new life adjusting to a new culture. That December, during a local church service, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to go up and ask for prayer for a baby. Over the years many church leaders, godly people and many others prayed for us so I wasn't sure how this would be any different. That was the beginning of December 2013. In January I clearly remember my husband and I preparing to do a 10 juice fast. 2 days before we were gonna start I had a dream. We were walking along the water in our new country. My son's arms were around me and my husband had a little girl on his shoulders. My son was about the age of 7 and the girl was about 18 months in the dream. She reached out for me and called me "Mom". I was shocked and didn't know what to make of the dream. Then 2 days later (January 19, 2014) my husband told me I should take a pregnancy test before I do a juice fast just to make sure. I laughed and didn't want to. I took the test and at first nothing showed up. I told him it was negative but the Holy Spirit told him that wasn't true. He asked me to look at the test again. Sure enough it said I was pregnant. I wept. I was overcome with fear. I did not want to lose this baby and go through a miscarriage in a foreign country. It wasn't too long after when the Lord began to show me something special. My son was still 5 yrs old, though he was gonna be 6 and a half when the baby would be born. That January marked 5 yrs of trying for another baby. It was our 5th pregnancy. I felt the number 5 had some significance so I researched and discovered that 5 meant GRACE. "Grace" it was my middle name. Grace meant "gift from God" and that is exactly what this baby was. So thus began my quest to figure out what Grace meant in the new language we were now immersing ourselves in. Deep in my heart I believed this little one was a girl. Over those 5 yrs the Lord would speak quietly but for my knowing that I was to hold on to hope that one day we'd have a little girl added to our family.
So as you can see the month of January has held some significant events in my life...many painful and some wonderful. On January 19, 2016 I had an emergency appendectomy. Though I was told that my appendix looked abnormal I never once thought it was cancer. January 26th, I got the pathology reports and was shocked and devastated to learn that I had a rare and aggressive form of appendix cancer called Goblet Cell adenocarcinoma. So today is the 17th. This means that in a few days I will be celebrating 1 yr since that horrible cancer diagnosis. What a year it's been! I am so so thankful and humble for all the prayers that have been sent up on our behalf and for all of the HELP we've had in this last yr. I just came back yesterday from a doctor check-up. My cancer tumor marker blood tests showed up in the normal range. Though i am aware this cancer usually does not show up on scans and blood tests I need to choose HOPE over fear of the unknown. It's time to celebrate LIFE and here's to hoping for many more years to celebrate being an
This is a continuation from my last post. I knew the Lord was stirring in my heart to reflect on JOY but then just two days ago I got out of my bed and noticed a picture I have on my wall. My friend sent this to me after she had heard about a dream I had had.
Back in summer of 2016 I had a very vivid dream. I was having to go through a dark and evil forest (kinda like death) (I can't remember the name of the forest but it was evil) in order to get to my friends' cabin. She was very ill and I wanted to go help her. However I was scared to go through the forest. I ended seeing a light through the forest and Jesus told me to keep my eyes on the light. He told me there is a lot of evil and darkness in the world and on the news but I needed to keep my eyes on HIM and focus on the light. I made it through the forest. Then at my friends' cabin there was puke in the sink, she was ill and so sick that she was in her chair almost passed out from being so sick. She was unresponsive so I got on my knees beside her and wrote a note with a verse on it and left it by her side.
Malachi 4:2 "But for you who fear my name, the Sun of righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with JOY like calves let out to pasture."
At the time I didn't realize what the dream meant. I thought it was for my friend since she was in it. The dream didn't resonate with her. However just a couple days later our main airport in the city we were living in was brutally attacked by terrorists. I was reminded to focus on Jesus and not the fear that crept in at the time.
Fast forward a year and a half later. 2 days ago my niece was here and we had tea. We were talking about hearing the voice of God and I went to show her this picture. She pointed out the shadow of the person in this picture (to be honest I have never noticed this shadow before) and said the arms kinda looked like wings! Very cool. So this year I will cling to this verse. I will focus on the SUN of righteousness. I will choose to not fear (with the Lord's help) this cancer returning. To not fear death. To instead rest in HIS presence and peace. And I will keep asking for healing for my body, mind, soul, and spirit and that I will be able to leap with JOY!!!
I went to Hobby Lobby with a dear friend this week. I could have spent all day in that store. I loved all of the signs and wished I could have bought them all. When I saw this sign this week I got teary eyed. I didn't buy it. Some how it felt like knowing my health issues I may never get to grow old with my love. But once I got home from the store I regretted it. I Wish I would have bought it as an act of faith in a way! We long to grow old together, see our kids get married and meet our grandchildren (see them grow up too). Then there was this sign below. I also had tears in my eyes when I saw this one. This was part of who we were as a family. Travel, a love for the Word and a desire to see more of it was shaping our family. Airports, foreign food, hotels, different countries, languages, etc..it was in our souls. Now, in our new normal, I don't know what adventure looks like. It's like I need to rediscover what's inside my soul again.
Yesterday I found a few minutes alone to be able to journal and reflect. It was such a weird feeling to realize and contemplate on the reality that 2017 ended yesterday. What an intense year it was. One full of surprises, heart ache and blessings. I began the year in pain, and in earnest pursuit to discover the source of that pain. I endured four surgeries (5 procedures), I faced the challenge of cancer with shock, surprise, fight, hope, fear, despair, reality, gratitude, endurance and assurance of my salvation, exhaustion and perseverance.
The first picture was taken when I was at my weakest and thinnest this spring. I had no fight left in me. To be honest I was ready to die. But my loving husband made me put on these boxing gloves and took a picture. He sent it to my friends to ask them to pray for me.
This picture above was taken a few days ago. I still have a lot of weight to gain, more rest and energy to acquire and even a chemo brain to retrain (I hate that I've become so forgetful). But I see progress from these two pictures. I have more hope and determination to fight this thing called cancer. I praise the Lord that as of right now I am cancer free. It's just a matter of continuing to heal from all the surgeries and trauma my body endured this yr.
"Taste and see that the Lord is good, blessed is the is the man who takes refuge in Him." Ps 34:8 was my word at the start of the year. Little did I know how much this would speak to me throughout all I endured. This coming yr I want to focus even more on the last part of the verse. I want to be more intentional to take time out to be with Jesus. I want to not just make it through this year surviving but I want to THRIVE. This past yr I had little strength and energy to read, to study, or to accomplish much more than what was necessary. How I long to have energy and rest so I can function much better for myself and my family.
So what is my word for 2018? Well I have been reflecting on my life verse, Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb, before were born I set you apart; I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations." The number of times I "should have died" helps me see that the Lord has formed me and set me apart. He's not done with me here on earth yet! But this year I long to grow more in the prophetic. I long to understand it more and what it means for my life and ministry.
Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." This verse stood out to us back in 2009. Then this year it came up again. We don't understand why we had to leave the country and the people we love so dearly. Some days it feels like we were never there. Other days the tears flow and we miss it very much. But for some reason this twist in the road, and coming back to Canada, it's all part of HIS plan for each of us as a family and individually. I long to look and wait with expectation to see what the Lord has in store for us in this next season.
The word JOY seems to be standing out to me a lot lately. J stands for JESUS first, O stands for OTHERS next and then Y stands for YOURSELF last. This past yr was hard as I was in a place of being loved on, served, taken care of, prayed for, and helped. I so badly wanted to be the one there helping others but I had no strength nor capacity to do so. I still have not fully bounced back. Yet this coming yr I long to invest more in my walk with the Jesus. I long to have the energy and capacity to walk alongside others and I long to also take better care of me. I was too busy trying to get better enough to get out of the hospital, get good enough to fly on a plane home, push to get my family settled, worked hard at trying to help my kids transition back to life in Canada with all the struggles that entailed with it. I have failed to really rest and take good care of me so that I have more capacity to care for those I love. I don't exactly know how I will do all of this but with God's grace I know He'll give me wisdom.
Rick Warren said, "Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation." “We're depending on God; he's everything we need. What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you've got — that's what we're depending on.” (Psalm 33:20-22 MSG) Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with JOY."
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with JOY."
Thank you to all of you who walked alongside me and my family. We could not have made it through this year with out your love, prayers, support and without our faith in Jesus!
