The Cancer Story Part 1

For many of you, who have walked with me this last year you know this story well.  But for the sake of my kids, who I hope will read this one day, I wanted to write it out so they can one day read about it.  I do hope and pray I will have many years yet.  That I will grow old and see my kids get married and have kids.  I know that this cancer is rare and aggressive.  I had a Dr. appointment this week with a new Dr. for some surgery related stuff and that appointment was over an hr and a half long as 4 or 5 different nurses or doctors wanted to talk to me, weigh me, inform me that I was underweight, hear my health history, etc.  The resident was a little fascinated I think with how complicated my story is and said she's only heard about my type of cancer once and that was in a medical book she read for school.

So it all started last September (2016).  I was tired, not feeling well, felt like my hair was starting to fall out a bit and after talking to a friend who was wrestling with 7 different auto-immune diseases I figured I should go see my endocrinologist and get my thyroid levels checked again.  After some blood work and the 3 hr fasting test I was told my hypothyroidism has moved into Hoshimoto's (auto-immune) and that I had Reactive Hypoglycemia.  The news of this stressed me out.  Why?  Well I researched how I should eat.  One diet said to avoid foods like potatoes, and white rice and things that would spike my blood sugar.  It suggested eating lots of broccoli and cauliflower and foods in the cruciferous family.  The other diet said to avoid or really limit foods in the cruciferous family.  Some things one diet said to eat and the other diet said to avoid.  I was stressed and for 36 hrs after diagnosis my hands and feet were numb.  Later I realized it was from stress.  Thankfully a close friend of mine also had the same diagnosis a few yrs prior so she was willing to help me figure out what I could or couldn't eat.  She answered MANY of my questions.  We lived overseas at this time so I had to try to figure out how to read food labels in the local language as well and to learn how to cook more from scratch.  I began to lose weight as I basically cut out or really limit my sugars and sweets and I tried to go gluten free.  I went from 117 down to about 110 or less by the end of the year.  At first I felt good as the stubborn love handles were gone and I felt good about myself as I was working out and working on being healthy through diet and exercise.  But then the weight kept coming off and one day my wedding ring fell off in the clothing store.  I guess that's when I realized I had been losing too much weight.

But then I noticed if I ate some sweets I would get some pains in my gut.  One day, at the gym, I almost felt like passing out and I had some sharp pains in my gut and had to go home early.  We went to a dinner theater one night I think in late November or early December with dear friends of ours.  By now I was having more of these painful attacks and my friend looked at me and said, "Rebekah I am concerned and think they have misdiagnosed you.  What is there is something else wrong instead?"

December 6, 2017 I had a lot of pain in my gut.  I felt constipated and bloated.  My hubby ran out to the pharmacy to get me laxatives in an effort to help me sleep.  That next day I hopped into a taxi with 2 of my friends to go to the other side of the city as we shared a hotel and attended a 3 day seminar on Life Coaching Training.  I was in pain.  The pain was under my ribs and throughout those 3 days of training I was often found sitting in the chair holding my hand over my diaphragm.  Some people suggested perhaps I had an ulcer or something so my dear friends went with me to the ER one evening.  It wasn't the nicest hospital.  And because it was at night they couldn't take an x-ray or scan.  So I was given pain meds for 3 hrs and eventually was told it was gastritis.  I couldn't sleep due to the pain and after the training, once home, I ended up back in the E.R as the pain was only increasing.  I heard loud noises going on in my intestines and wasn't sure what was up.  Thankfully where we lived it was never a long wait to get into a hospital bed in the ER.  I had a topography ct scan and was told I had some small kidney stones.  So off I went home, assuming this was the cause and hoping they'd eventually pass.

I was already seeing a dietitian about how I could figure out the best way to eat for the Hypoglycemia and the Hoshimoto's.  She didn't like that I was losing weight so together in her Broken English and my Broken Tsh we tried to figure out a plan for what I could eat.  Now with the news of kidney stones there were new foods I needed to avoid and new ones I needed to eat.  I have never enjoyed cooking and so having to constantly figure out all these dietary needs was stressful.  Looking back I am sure that stress didn't help my health at the time.

I was back in the ER later in December as one day I had puked about 15 times and had the runs real bad.  My hubby was on the other side of the city.  A friend came with me to the ER in a taxi as I could barely walk out the door by myself and was thankful I had a bucket along with me in the taxi.  After spending a day in the ER, and having to give a stool sample, I was told that there was a lot of mucus found in the stool sample which meant I had a bowel infection.  Now looking back, and understanding my type of cancer, that mucus could have been a sign that there was something else wrong but I didn't see a Gastroenterologist at the time.  My dear friend sat with me that whole day.  She was the same one who a few weeks earlier wondered if I was misdiagnosed.

I went home with antibiotics but still dealt with the pain, the runs, the noises in my intestines, the sharp pains and the nausea at times. I couldn't sleep at night as I was writhing in pain most of the nights.   I saw a urologist and he assured me that the kidney stones I had were so small and they shouldn't be the cause of the pain I was having.   I went back to the ER once again because the pain was only getting worse.  It was here they told me I should see a Gastroenterologist.

So in January I saw one.  I am thankful things moved fast in that country.  Within days she performed an endoscopy and a colonoscopy.  She was wondering if I had IBS or Crones but in the end she said the only abnormal thing she found was a small stricture where the large intestine connected with the small intestine.  She did a biopsy and ordered and MRI just to make sure.  The biopsy came back clear.  The MRI didn't show anything abnormal (since then I have come to learn that this cancer doesn't normally show up on MRI's and other scans at times).  I knew I was born with some bowel issues so just guessed perhaps that stricture was something I was born with.  Later I realize that stricture is what was causing a lot of pain as well because foods couldn't travel through so easily through that narrow opening.  After a few more days I saw the Dr. again and said, "There must be something wrong.  I am in so much pain.  Could it be endometriosis or issues with my gull bladder?"  So she sent me to the best Ultrasound Tech that she knew.  When I look back and see how many tests and hospital visits I had in just over a month before my cancer was found I am so so thankful that I was not living in Canada at the time.  Things moved so much faster there and overall I had great care.

January 19th, during the ultrasound, the Tech told me my kidneys were clear, no sign of any stones but then he noticed my appendix was appearing on the screen like a bulls-eye which was a sure sign of appendicitis.  I was unable to go home that day.  Instead I ended up having an emergency appendectomy.    Finally, I thought, finally this must have been the cause of my pain all this time.  Well when the Dr. came to see me he informed me that my appendix looked abnormal.  Remember he was telling me this in his broken English and his Tsh so I was trying to ask questions and understand all the mdical terminology.  He also explained that part of my small intestine looked abnormal as well from the outside, which is where that stricture was.  They sent it away to pathology and I went home to heal up from my surgery not thinking too much about it.  When I went in for a routine check-up a week later my hubby stopped at the coffee shop in the hospital to grab a coffee and I headed into the office to get my bandages removed and find out the results of the pathology.

We had tickets purchased to watch "La La Land."  We were gonna go watch it after I saw the Dr.  I asked the Dr. how things were and he said, "Well, it was abnormal and a tumor was found."  In shock I asked him to wait until I could find my husband. Together we learned that I had cancer.  It was an appendix cancer called Goblet Cell Carcinoid Cancer.  It had infilterated my appendix and was moving into my small intestine, thus causing the stricture.  At first they told me it was a slow growing kind.  I realize that the Tsh people usually don't like to tell you how bad something is at first.  We were shocked.  If anyone in our family was gonna get cancer we had thought it would be my husband (due to family history of cancer) and not me.  Because things move fast they told me they'd like to do a further surgery a week later.  It was called a Right Hemicoloctomy where they would remove part of my colon and some of my small intestine and part of my omentum in an attempt to try to remove any residual cancer.

So after not fully recovering from my first surgery (the appendectomy) I was back under the knife for another laparoscopic surgery.  I was amazed that they could remove that much of my intestines and omentum laparoscopicly.  I was in the hospital for 4 days or so recovering and waiting for my intestines to learn how to work again now that they had been shortened and reconnected. It was here I felt Jesus really near to me.  I wrote about it on my other blog (see that post below) but through His Word, prophetic pictures, and other people I really felt He was speaking to me and giving me assurance of His presence with me in this.  My mother-in-law came to help out with the kids and our home while I was in the hospital.  We were given many gifts of meals, finances to help out with gas, expenses, etc.  We felt blessed.  Our local friends were there to see me before I was wheeled in for surgery and came to see me after.  They wanted to be my family and help take care of me too.  I bounced back from that particular surgery really quick.  I was told it could take months before my bowels would become "normal" again and within a week or so things were back to normal.  I was walking around and gaining strength.  When we asked the doctors if they noticed anything abnormal when they did this surgery they said no and assured me they felt they had "got it all."

But then we got the pathology results from that surgery and learned that this cancer actually was an aggressive appendix cancer that behaved like a carcinoma.  And even though the Pet scan said there was no cancer the pathology report suggested there was still cancer beyond the surgical borders and I would need to do something more to stop it from spreading.  We were blessed to have a landlord who used to work in the States at MD Anderson translating pathology reports.  He helped us understand that there was still cancer in me and I needed to look into chemo.  Now down to about 100 lbs and feeling like things were moving so fast I couldn't even really process what all was happening to me, to us. I was faced with the reality that this cancer journey wasn't over yet.  Thus began investigating and research into next steps.....(blog post #2 to come)

Here is what I wrote on my old blog:

Taste and See

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him."  NIV
"Taste and see that the Lord is good.  Oh the joys of those who take refuge in him!"NLT   Ps 34:8

At the beginning of the yr. I asked Jesus what verse or word He had for me this yr.  This was one of the things He gave me.  This verse.  To be honest it was the first part of the verse he gave but as I looked up the reference right now to write down I noted the second part.  There have been some joys along this journey as I have focused on his GOODNESS.

As you've seen from the two posts below this food, diet, etc has been tough for me.  I've lost 20 lbs.  I had so much pain I couldn't eat well and then there was the cancer.  But this verse keeps coming to mind.  It's like the Father keeps asking me to remember His GOODNESS in all of this difficulty.  To find things to be thankful for.  And this week as I had to wait 4 days post surgery (due to healing) to finally get my first taste of real food (but not so desired bland soup) I realized that in those 4 days of hunger pains it was a time the Father wanted me to be sustained by HIM not food.  That He will satisfy me.  I had parts of my bowels removed so the doctors wanted to make sure things were functioning right before they would let me eat.  Each day is a milestone when I can go from drinking 2 cups of water in 24 hrs to 4 cups of water, to having compost and yucky yogurt soup.  Hopefully tomorrow's food will be a little more exciting.

Trev bought me a journal to write in about this cancer journey.  It is a place where I write verses, songs and promises I have been given.  It's where I write a list of things I am thankful for and where I take note of the Father's goodness amidst this trial.

Before my surgery someone prayed we'd have spiritual eyes to see the angels surrounding us just like Elisha did in the OT.  To be honest I have seen and felt the army of angels in human form...all of you, rise up around us.  As we sent out the update letter informing many of the cancer SO SO many wrote back saying they were praying.  Many people asked their prayer groups to pray for me, many people all over the world, many I don't know, are praying for me and my family.  So humbling, so encouraging.  And I have felt that prayer support literally rise up around me/us.

Our local and foreign friends in this city have become like family.  Quickly a meal train was put together for 10 days.  Friends band together to help make a plan for child care.  Many people gathered to pray for us.  We had our local fellowship anoint me and pray for healing as well as our main fellowship from back home (via skype...PTL for technology).  Then yes there is all the family and friends back home who have been praying as well.  My Mother-in-law just arrived today for 2 weeks to come alongside us and help out where needed.  We feel loved and NOT alone.  Our local friends realize we don't have family here so they want to step in and be that family and keep telling us IF WE EVER NEED ANYTHING TO LET THEM KNOW!  We feel carried.

I would like to note a few ways He's been speaking.  The week leading up to the surgery many songs and images were coming to mind about HIM being my anchor in this storm.  I was reminded of my dad's tattoo of an anchor and I saw myself sitting on the anchor and just clinging to it.  I asked him to draw me a picture of that and he did.  People would pray for me and would see a picture of an anchor and without knowing how God was speaking we would just laugh at the point the Father was trying to get across.  This was a storm.  But He had me and I needed to cling to HIM.  I needed to keep my eyes on HIM not the storm.

Today my Mother-in-law said that someone from home gave her money to buy my a rose.  Well our local friend told us that at our fellowship today they all ended up on their knees or faces praying for our family and he felt he saw JC coming to me and giving me a rose for healing.  The day of surgery I asked JC where he was in the room.  I saw him sitting on my bed rubbing my feet.  Last night some friends came by.  One friend who did not know about this, asked if she could rub my feet with some lotion.  I imagined an angel coming behind the Doctor and performing the surgery through him.  A friend said that as she prayed for me she felt she saw angels dancing around my hospital bed.

It is the little things that make a difference.  It's in focusing on HIS goodness that I find strength and peace.  I continue to ask the Father to take this situation and use it for HIS glory.  I am fully aware that if this happened 3-4 yrs ago I would be so broken right now.  But 4 yrs ago, after my last miscarriage my faith felt like it was nearly shattered and in pieces.  I felt like my prayers were hitting the wall.  It took two yrs of JC lovingly, and gently putting the pieces back together.  He brought about healing and restoration over time.  And because of that work that He did I am stronger today and able to face this storm in life with more of a fight and desire to keep my eyes on HIM not on the storm.

No matter how this ends my desire is to say that I have fought the good fight, finished the race and KEPT THE FAITH.  I desire to know that when it's time for the Father to call me home it will be when I know that my children are strong in their own faith walks.  So because of that I am asking Him to not take me home to heaven now.  I'm not ready.  I want to make sure my kids know their anchor well before that happens.

Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I finally get this verse. If I think about the future, about what might be next I worry. But if I focus on today, on healing, on the peace that passes all understanding that I am experiencing, on the family and friends that are loving us so much and on the Father's goodness then I am more at peace. So here's for taking life one day at a time.

Fight the good fight

On my Bible app this morning this was the verse of the day, "Fight the good fight of the faith.  Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:12

Upon reading this verse this morning I thought of my friend Dale.  Dale entered the presence of our Lord and Savior on Sunday.  He not only fought cancer for a few years but he fought the good fight of His faith.  I am so saddened that I was unable to attend his funeral but I am told his desire was for Jesus' love to be preached to all who were there and that is what happened.

Dale was one of my best friends in high school.  We dated for a month but even though I broke up with him because I wasn't ready to date, he remained a faithful and constant friend.  He'd be the one to encourage me to keep living when there were times in my teenage yrs I just wanted to be done here on earth.  He was the first one to call me on my birthday and was always there to listen to me.  We were both married a week apart.  I think we both realized once we were married (or dating other people and on the road to marriage) that we couldn't be each other's person any more.  We kept in touch a bit and updated each other on our first kids as both his daughter and my son were born in the same year.  But over the last 5 years we lost touch.

However, this past spring I felt nudged to try to get a hold of him and tell him about my cancer.  I contacted his wife on FB and shortly after I got a message from Dale asking if we could Skype.  He wanted to talk because we had something in common...CANCER.  Dale had been walking the cancer journey since 2015 so he was a huge encouragement to me.  He and his wife started praying regularly for me and my family.  They got their church and prayer circles to pray for me.  I would get reply emails to my updates and check in emails from him asking to see how I was doing.

12 yrs ago my pastor, that I interned under in Saskatoon, died of a rare cancer.  He was 37 I believe and left behind a 12 and 10 yr old and his wonderful wife.  Then when I was diagnosed at age 36 it brought back memories of my pastor friend Dwayne and his own fight against cancer.  Dale was just 35 and he leaves behind his wife and two daughters...ages 10 and 8.  Being in your 30's and dealing with cancer just seems so unfair and just so wrong.  I am so thankful that these two men of Faith had a personal and real relationship with Jesus.  My hope in Jesus is the one thing that enables me to have hope and gives me the ability to daily walk though this difficult journey. I really don't know how people walk through something like cancer without having a HOPE in Jesus and without the promise of eternal life in heaven and without the love and help from a supportive community.  I am so grateful for all who have gone before me and for all who walk alongside of me. 

Update and my New Birth story

Today has been a low energy kind of day.  I had a list (I keep a little note book on the counter where I can write notes or grocery lists so that I don't forget.) of things I could and wanted to do, but I realized in the end that all felt overwhelming and what I actually needed was a nap.  A sweet friend offered to take my daughter for the morning so I was able to have a nap this morning.  I am realizing more and more that what I am feeling might be like a type of burn-out...not from ministry per say but from life and all that has happened in the last 9 and a half months.  So today was a gift when a wonderful lady from our church showed up with food for supper, along with a few trays of food to freeze.  My church has been sweet with setting me up to get a couple of meals a week.  This has been so helpful, especially on days like today.  My last round of antibiotics finished today and I still feel the infection is there.  Now I wonder if I am struggling to even absorb the antibiotics.  Nothing new in the medical department, still waiting on getting into specialists.

I find my brain is still slow at processing.  The other day I was at our local Co-op and I forgot my Co-op number.  The girl who looked up my number actually gave me the wrong number so I used that for a few times, feeling like it wasn't the right number but I couldn't remember the original one.  Thankfully the problem is getting dealt with.  Today was Awana night.  I read the email that comes out for parents and thought tonight was the night the kids were supposed to dress up as their favorite Bible Hero.  So I helped them put together costumes, only to realize pretty last minute that it is for next week, not this week.  Numbers and dates seem to be hard to remember for me these days.

My son has started to open up more and ask more questions about my cancer and about if I was afraid I was gonna die, and about some of the worries he has had.  Both kids continue to figure out how to fit into the culture here.  My son made the observation about how the country we just moved from is a HOT climate culture.  People are in your space, they touch you all the time, they are very hospitable and friendly and don't like to leave you alone.  He's observing how Canadian culture is more like a Cold climate culture.  It's not that it's a bad thing, it's just different. Thankfully our little town feels kinds hot climate culturish at times to me. There are many firsts for my son.  Taking French class, learning sign language (all of which his class has already been doing for a couple of yrs already) and learning how to curl.  He didn't grow up on ice like kids here in Canada do.  Every day the kids still ask to move back "home" and want to be with their friends.  You know the saying, "The grass is greener on the other side?"  My son struggled to adjust to our life and the culture of the country we learned to call "home."  But when it was time to move back he suddenly realized how much it felt like home there, how he didn't want to move and how amazing his friends and community were.  There is a new family in town who moved to our little community from a European country.  She was sharing the other day about her kids struggles in school and their adjusting to a new country/town etc.  I so could relate.  It's hard to adjust when you don't have the language when you move to a new place.  It's also hard to come back and even though you have the language, people change and so does the town.  It's a lot to have to relearn all over again.  I continue to value all the prayers being sent up on our behalf and I am thankful that my kids are verbally processing all their emotions and feelings that they are sorting through in this season.  Please keep praying!


And now I want to continue to share my story....
I became a Christian when I was 4 shortly after we moved into our new house.  I remember being tickled on the floor by my aunt who was not a Christian.  Suddenly, and seemingly out of now where, to her surprise, I stood up and declared that I wanted to become a Christian.  My dad was in the basement painting and so my mom told me to go talk to him.  I don't remember the full conversation but I remember that was the day that I confessed my sins and my need for Jesus and I decided I wanted to follow Him for the rest of my life.

Up until I went to Kindergarten I was known as Becky.  It wasn't until one day, when I was given a note from my teacher to take to my parents, that I began to read it on the way home and realized she wrote my name as starting with and R instead of a B.  So I asked my mom why this was.  She went on to explain that my real name was Rebekah.  So for the rest of the week at school I refused to answer my teacher whenever she called me Becky.  When asked why I did this I simply explained, "My name is Rebekah, it's not Becky!"  And ever since then I prefer to NOT be called Becky.

Due to the nature of some things I can't write everything that has happened in my life for just anyone to read.  For some of the more defining and personal stories that happened to me, it will have to be shared with my little family as they are old enough to hear it.  Let's just say I am who I am because of the years of being able to walk through some tough stuff, all the while learning how to forgive and move forward.

I was a small and determined little girl.  Some would say I was strong-willed.  I was pretty black and white and bold in my faith.  I loved Jesus and I wasn't afraid to tell others about Him.  I remember being about 7 and one night my parents were watching a movie with some friends.  It was a movie based on the book of Revelation (the last book in the Bible) called, "A Thief In The Night." I woke up because I heard the T.V. on and I walked into the living room to watch a bit.  It was the part where the Christians were being beheaded for their faith.  However my little mind at the time thought it was that one would get their head cut off if they didn't become a Christian.  Talk about a heavy thing to see as a little kid.  I had lots of questions after that and that experience.  Sure it gave me some nightmares and sleepless nights at first, but it also grabbed my heart with a burden for those people who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  I went to school that week and gathered about 5 of my friends together in the middle of the school field and strongly encouraged them to give their lives to Jesus so that they didn't get their heads cut off.  Ok my theology was way off at the time and thankfully I have a better understanding of the tribulation that is to come and a great respect and love for the last book of the Bible, Revelation.  I have a great respect for all of the Bible!  It's God's Word, living and active and TRUTH!

In elementary school, my principle at the time had called my mom to tell her to ask me to stop gathering kids at the flag pole to pray for the school.  I didn't want to.  I was a little fire ball, evangelist who wanted all my family and friends to be saved.  It wasn't easy being told by certain people, closely associated with our family, that I was brain washed by my parents when I would ask if I could pray at their supper table. Or when they would call me and tell me that I couldn't give their kids Bibles or talk about God with them.  It was hurtful.  And only just a little taste of persecution that my brothers and sisters in Christ in the persecuted churches face all over the world.  Yet that didn't stop me.  My faith was important to me. I got a little name card when I was a kid that had a verse on it under my name.  1 Corinthians 15:58, "So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for your know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."  No matter how tough life got and how dark seasons felt I never fully could abandon my Lord and my faith.  By His grace He held me together and helped me be immovable.  Those teenage years were tough, well growing up in my town as a whole was tough and I often felt alone in my faith, but thankfully He carried me through.  More on that at a later time.

Hope

Psalm 39:7 "My only HOPE is in You."

Today I had this song on repeat. 

In every season, in every change
You are near
In every sorrow, You are my strength
You are near

A peace in the storm
Your voice I will follow
In weakness I rise
Remembering You hold my world

I’m holding on to hope
I’m holding on to grace
I’m fully letting go
I’m surrendered to Your ways
The anchor for my soul
Father You will never change
I love You, I love You

My great Redeemer
My constant Friend
You are near
My faithful Father, You took me in
You are near

I will remember Your promise forever
My Strength, my Defender
I can count on You
You are my Savior, My Hope and my Shelter
Your love is forever
I can count on You

I am thankful that He's my peace in the storms of life, in the every day struggles.  That in my weakness I can rise knowing He holds my world.  That He's my anchor for my weary soul and that He will NEVER change.  He's my Redeemer and constant friend and the one I can count on.  

Health update

So this past Thursday I had my CT scan and I got my results yesterday.  The scan was clear.  Well, minus the fact that there was a small kidney stone that was found.  But this time my liver looked normal so that was good.  My oncologist is so patient and willing to answer my questions as best as he can.  He said he'll be concerned about me for the next 3 or 4 yrs and if nothing shows up on scans during that time than he'll start to worry about me less. :0)  He said that most of my pain and discomfort must be coming from affects of the surgery.  I see my surgeon for a check-up in January and then will have a scan and a follow-up with the oncologist in March, barring that I don't have any symptoms that make me think I need to see him sooner.

 I am now waiting for a urologist appointment which won't be till the end of November, to possibly do a scope or something else, to try to figure out the root cause of the chronic bladder infections.  Last night was a brutal night. I basically held my hand over my bladder and gut all night as I was in pain and unable to really sleep.  This happens often, where pain keeps me up.  If people see me out and about they may think I am having a "good" day.  What they don't see is the many bathroom trips before and after and during an outing.  They don't see the pain or the discomfort I am feeling on a regular basis. They don't often see the effort it takes to get out of the house.  But for my kids sake I try my best to have some sort of normalcy for them and me. 

I started the pancreatic enzymes today.  It's an attempt to help my body better absorb the nutrients from the food I am eating.  I have a pain specialist appointment, a gyno appointment, a urologist appointment and a gastro intestinal appointment coming up at some point.  These are all appointments meant to try to help me better deal with the various issues I am still battling, an attempt to help me gain better quality of life.

I am realizing more and more the affects of the chemo, the 5 times I was put under for surgeries/procedures this year, and the lack of sleep on my ability to process and function.  I get overwhelmed easily with noise.  I get stressed more easily and the idea of driving in the city, with all the traffic feels almost claustrophobic in a way.  It's hard to explain.  I don't like how "stupid" I feel at times and how slow my brain seems to function or remember at other times.  I am thankful for the few friends who have been willing to drive me in the city and even come with me to my appointments to take notes and better help me remember the conversations I have with the doctors...what a blessing that has been.  What I find stressful is not only looking for rides but also for child care.  Thankfully so far the Lord has provided each time there's been an appointment.

So I informed some of my friends about the results of the CT scan. My one friend wrote and said, "That's good, right?  What is your intuition?"  She knows that these scans don't always tell it as it is.  I was just thinking this morning about how I need to choose to walk in thankfulness for a clear scan. That I need to see it as positive and not walk in fear of the unknown or "what-ifs" so that I can be more positive.  Then I read my devos and this stood out to me:

"While you are in the throes of adversity, your greatest challenge is to keep on trusting that I am both sovereign and good.  Do not expect to understand My ways; for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways and thoughts higher than yours.  When you respond to trouble with thanksgiving-convinced that I can bring good out of the most difficult situations-I am pleased.  This act of faith encourages you and glorifies Me.  I rejoice when My struggling children give thanks to Me in song!"

So today, as tired as I am, I look to Him with thankfulness, gratitude that the scan was clear, that for the first time since March I am 84 lbs.  Hopefully things will keep improving! 

On a different note on Saturday I was able to meet a fellow appendix cancer friend at the mall.  We met on my appendix cancer FB group.  She is going for her HIPEC (major surgery plus hot chemo) later this month.  I am thankful for the opportunity I have had to get to know her and hopefully be an encouragement or be someone she can ask questions to about this procedure.  That is something I didn't have heading into mine back in Feb.  I was really clueless about recovery, etc.  I am SO thankful for all the prayers that have been sent up on my behalf, especially this year.  If you can also prayer for my friend Chantale I am sure she'd appreciate those prayers.

Just an honest post

It’s Wednesday night, that means I get some alone time.  It’s so hard to know how to spend my alone time.  I could organize the many rooms that need cleaning and de-cluttering or I could journal, read, blog, sleep, do my physio, bake, etc.  The other day I had a babysitter and since I had canceled one  appointment it meant I had a couple of hours to myself.  I spent some time starting to color in my adult coloring book my friend Cheryl mailed to me when I was in the hospital this past spring. I turned to a page that had the verse that the Lord gave me at the start of the year and started to color.  It was actually stress releasing and calming.  Yet also a reminder of the way the Father has used this verse to speak to me over this past year. When there were many of times I couldn’t eat due to surgery preps, or after surgeries, or where gaining weight has been a struggle and food a battle to have it stay in me long enough to absorb the nutrients I needed to taste and see His goodness, not the food.  He was sustenance when food was/is not.  And It’s my reminder to continue to take refuge in Him.  I am still waiting on a call from the GI specialist for an appointment so we can see about any other suggestions to stop the chronic runs so that I can live a some-what normal life. I long to not have to be stressed every time I leave my home, making sure I know where a washroom is in case I need it. I long to be able to eat without worrying how it will affect my digestive system or if I can even eat it in the first place.  I need to give those worries and fears over to the Lord and gain strength from Him each day. 

Stress is something I deal with regularly.  I am working through a book with a sweet friend on managing stress.  I am learning that I need to prayerfully say “no” to some things, which is hard.  But in this season I have little strength and energy to do all that I wish I could do or all I have been invited to do.  I’ve been asked to be part of 5 different bible studies, or help with Awana or other things but I just can’t say yes, or I feel overwhelmed.  Partly because I never know how I will be feeling that day.  Partly because I have little energy to actually read more books or be out and about so much.  But oh I wish I could get more involved and connect more in groups like this. 

I am thankful for the few faithful friends who I know I can call on if I need help with watching my kids or for friends who have volunteered to drive me in for appointments or bring some meals to help take some of the stress I feel off of my shoulders.  Yet I feel guilty.  Guilty because it’s been 8 months since my last surgery and I feel like I should be able to manage more things, but to be honest I just have not bounced back like I wish I could.  I don’t sleep at night.  The pain or insomnia keeps me up.  I am not at my full capacity mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically.  And that is hard for me to accept.  But slowly I’m learning that I have to not care about the weeds on my yard or the clutter in my house.  I have to not be afraid to ask for help…that’s a hard one.  Some people are easier to ask for help from than others.  And for some strange reason I feel guilty asking for help.  My Father-in-law walked this road of cancer and recovery after surgeries before I did.  He was a testimony of not complaining through it all.  I long to take after Him in that but I will admit it’s hard to know when people ask how I am doing what to say. Hard to know when to be honest and say I am really struggling right now, or when to just smile and say, “Today is a good day.  There are some good days and bad days and today is a good day.” 

So tomorrow I have a CT scan.  I was due for one in December but due to not feeling quite right they moved it up.  I realize the radiation isn’t best to be subjected to so regularly and I realize that it might cause a secondary cancer 20 yrs down the road but for now I hope it can bring some peace of mind.  And to be honest I don’t know of too many people who have lived 20 years with the cancer I have so if that were to happen that would be a miracle in itself.  It’s so hard because I know from the research I have done this cancer usually won’t show up on scans and blood work but how else do you try to monitor it without just opening me up every 6 mths to see what’s really going on inside?  The pain could just be due to a chronic uti infection I’ve been battling off and on this summer or it could be the cancer being back or just my body still adjusting after such massive surgeries.  I don’t know, but I do know I wish I could sleep so that I had more energy to accomplish daily tasks and be the mom and wife my kids and hubby need me to be.

On a different note, October is miscarriage, infant loss and stillborn awareness month. (I'll save another post to talk specifically about my losses and how the Lord was with me in that dark season). When I learn of women finding out about this cancer after trying to discover why they are dealing with infertility, and discovering it all over inside through a laparoscopy, I am so thankful that I have my two kiddos to take care of.  I am saddened and miss the 3 I lost but I am thankful I still got to be mom and this cancer didn’t rob me of that.  My heart is saddened for those who have had to lose the dream of having a baby due to the brutality of cancer taking over their reproductive areas.  I have a picture representing my 3 babies up in my room.  Then my dear friend Heather made me a picture.  The biggest rock represents Jesus, the two leaning on the rock are to represent me and Trev and the other two rocks represent my 2 kiddos.  Then there are 3 red beads…those represent the 3 we lost.  My friend has always been good at coming alongside me and remembering my losses. 

The picture of the person looking through the dark woods at the light reminds me of the dream I had days before the airport attack in the city we lived in last yr.  Through the dream I felt the Lord inviting me to look to HIM, the light, and not at all the darkness and evil around me.  As I continue to walk out this road ahead of me I know I need to keep my eyes on Him.  I read in my devotional this morning about not fearing bad news.  So much evil is taking place in this world but the Lord asks us to Trust HIM and in Psalm 112:7 He says, “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”  So I humble myself before the Lord to admit the fears, stress and weaknesses I’ve been feeling, repent and ask for His strength and help to fully Trust Him, and to ask for help to have my heart remain steadfast on Him.  So tomorrow as I head into my scan I will do what I encourage many others to do.  I will ask Jesus where He is in the room with me.  I will focus on His presence instead of all the “what if’s” that could fill my head in those moments.  Thanks for your prayers.

And just a little reminder that Jesus cares about me.  I lost a necklace in Ontario this summer when I was there for a debreif retreat.  This was a special necklace given to me from my close friend overseas.  I was heart broken that I lost it.  At first I was told they couldn't find it but just tonight I got an email saying it has been found and will be emailed to me.  I had tears in my eyes as I read that.  :0)

The beginning...

This past weekend was rather sobering for me when I learned that a friend of mine’s cancer had returned and he was now being told his tumor was inoperable.  Within that same week I heard of another person I know who was given a couple of months to live.  My heart was heavy and I began to realize once again that I need to take EACH day as a day to be grateful for and thankful for.  I also had the opportunity to skype with a friend who asked me the hard questions, but the ones that need to be asked, like: “If I were to die how do I want to prepare my family for that senerio and what do I want to do to help them in their grief?”  This is one reason why I started this blog.  I want to leave my “Story” behind for my kids to read.  I want them to attest to the Faithfulness of God.  Just this week my son and I were talking and he asked, “How do you know Jesus is the one true God?”  I began to share a bit about my story.  Parts of it he had not heard before.  I listed off the reasons I believe Jesus the True God.  It’s through my story that I see God’s hand on my life over and over and I can’t deny Him and His work in my life.

So it all begins when I was in my mother’s womb.  My mom was maybe 4 months pregnant with me when a blood clot was found near my heart and there was also one near my mom’s groin.  The doctors were concerned those blood clots would move and kill me.  My mom was sent to The Pas, two hours away from where I grew up, and there the doctors told my parents that they needed to abort me.  If they did abort me then they could save my mom’s life, if they didn’t, then it was possible both my mom and myself would die.  I guess our heart beats were not normal and they were told that if they didn’t go back to normal they would take me right away. 

My dad went straight to the Pastor and asked people to begin praying for my mom and me.    When my mom was in the ICU at The Pas she said she was kept sedated in a dark room but clearly felt God was at her side and He whispered, “BE STILL AND KNOW I AM THE I AM, My name will be lifted high.”  She said she wanted to touch Him. She must have reached out to touch him because then she remembers the nurse coming in quickly and covering her back up telling her she couldn’t get up and needed to stay in her bed (to try to prevent the blood clot from moving into a more dangerous place).  Through prayer, our hearts stabilized enough for my mom to be airlifted to Winnipeg.  There was one lady from our little church who said, when she was praying that she heard angels singing and it was then that the blood clot moved and my heart was stabilized.  There too the doctors in Winnipeg recommended abortion.  They assumed if I lived I would be born with Down Syndrome.  In Winnipeg my mom saw Jesus holding a baby and he said, “I come that you may have life” and he outstretched his arms to her. 

My mom had a lot of complications while carrying me and spent most of the last part of her pregnancy in Winnipeg, on IV heparin due to the blood clots, while my dad was up north caring for my older sister, who was like a yr and a half at the time.  Mom had placenta previa so there was even more concern for her and my life.  The last 6 weeks of her pregnancy, in order to get out of the hospital, she had to stay in Winnipeg with friends so she could be near the hospital while giving herself injections every 8 hrs, all while my dad was taking care of my sister up north.  I was supposed to be born mid Jan but finally the doctors took me 2 days before Christmas.  I was born 7 lbs 2 oz but was home at 6 lbs or less due to health issues.  My stomach opening only opened half way.  This meant my mom had to feed me an ounce every half hour or I’d throw it all up.  I was born with Hirschsprung disease which is disease of the bowels. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hirschsprung%27s_disease  

Due to these health issues at the age of 3 months old I was only 9 lbs 1oz.  I could not gain weight.  I was not growing.  I was in ICU for 10 days, and in the hospital for 3 weeks after I was born.  By a year and a half I was rushed to Winnipeg where the Doctors wondered if I was being abused because I was so malnourished and sick.  My bowels did not work.  I was so backed up and my bowels were blown to the size of an adults.  I would scream in pain A LOT because I was in so much pain and unable to go to the bathroom.   They needed to flush out my bowels but that procedure is normally not done on babies.  They weren’t sure I’d survive if they performed it and they worried my bowels would explode. They irrigated my bowels.  While this was happening my mom was praying and she felt she heard the Lord give her Jeremiah 1:5 for me. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”  (As a side note this verse has become one of my life verses).  She would later say it was only their faith in God that held them through this difficult time.

I walked and talked later than most kids.  The doctors said if I wasn’t walking by 2 then they would have me go for a Cystic Fibrosis test.  Well at 1 month before I turned 2 I walked.  I am not the brightest crayon in the box but I wouldn’t say I am stupid either.  I worked hard for my good grades and graduated as the third highest in my grade 12 and I graduated from my 4^th yr. of college with top honours.  My mom calls me her miracle baby.

So due to the Hirschsprungs my sphincter in my bum did not work. As a baby they stretched my sphincter, but by the age of 5, due to some blood in my stools they wondered if they would have to perform a full colostomy.   My brain would tell my body that I needed to poop but by sphincter would not open.  My parents prayed hard and the Doctor looked at my parents before they wheeled me into the surgery room, and said, “I know you are praying people so just pray.”  My parents prepared for the reality that I might not come out of the surgery.  In the end they did not need to remove my bowels, they just repaired and added to or remade my sphincter.  I remember that surgery well and how scared I was going through those surgery doors, having to leave my mom on the other side.  I lived off of laxatives for yrs and hated my regular trips to The Pas to see doctors for check ups.  I would scream not wanting them to touch me or check my bum.  My mom said that on one of the doctor visits back to Winnipeg one of the nurses was so surprised to see that I was alive after all I had been through.  I know my life is a miracle. 

I used to be shy and not want anyone to know this part of my story because it had to do with my bowels.  Now I think it’s interesting that I deal with quit the opposite, I no longer have a colon and I deal with short bowel syndrome.  So instead of being backed up real bad I can’t seem to get on top of the chronic runs.  Yet I continue to live and fight for life.  My mom recently saw two of the doctors who dealt with my issues and my mom’s health issues when I was young.  They were saddened to hear of my cancer diagnosis knowing full well what all I went through so many years before.  But praise the Lord I am still here.  Many times the doctors didn’t think I would survive and live.  They didn’t think I’d make it past the age of 5.  Well I am turning 37 at the end of this year. That’s something to praise the Lord about!  Though I am so ready to meet my Savior Jesus and I have complete peace about heaven, I have two little miracles of my own and an amazing husband who are not ready to say good-bye yet.  And so I choose to believe the Lord has something else in-store for me yet.  His call on my life has not been removed!  I will fight and choose life until it’s my time to enter those pearly gates.  Trusting His name will be praised through my story, past-present-and future.