Update and my New Birth story

Today has been a low energy kind of day.  I had a list (I keep a little note book on the counter where I can write notes or grocery lists so that I don't forget.) of things I could and wanted to do, but I realized in the end that all felt overwhelming and what I actually needed was a nap.  A sweet friend offered to take my daughter for the morning so I was able to have a nap this morning.  I am realizing more and more that what I am feeling might be like a type of burn-out...not from ministry per say but from life and all that has happened in the last 9 and a half months.  So today was a gift when a wonderful lady from our church showed up with food for supper, along with a few trays of food to freeze.  My church has been sweet with setting me up to get a couple of meals a week.  This has been so helpful, especially on days like today.  My last round of antibiotics finished today and I still feel the infection is there.  Now I wonder if I am struggling to even absorb the antibiotics.  Nothing new in the medical department, still waiting on getting into specialists.

I find my brain is still slow at processing.  The other day I was at our local Co-op and I forgot my Co-op number.  The girl who looked up my number actually gave me the wrong number so I used that for a few times, feeling like it wasn't the right number but I couldn't remember the original one.  Thankfully the problem is getting dealt with.  Today was Awana night.  I read the email that comes out for parents and thought tonight was the night the kids were supposed to dress up as their favorite Bible Hero.  So I helped them put together costumes, only to realize pretty last minute that it is for next week, not this week.  Numbers and dates seem to be hard to remember for me these days.

My son has started to open up more and ask more questions about my cancer and about if I was afraid I was gonna die, and about some of the worries he has had.  Both kids continue to figure out how to fit into the culture here.  My son made the observation about how the country we just moved from is a HOT climate culture.  People are in your space, they touch you all the time, they are very hospitable and friendly and don't like to leave you alone.  He's observing how Canadian culture is more like a Cold climate culture.  It's not that it's a bad thing, it's just different. Thankfully our little town feels kinds hot climate culturish at times to me. There are many firsts for my son.  Taking French class, learning sign language (all of which his class has already been doing for a couple of yrs already) and learning how to curl.  He didn't grow up on ice like kids here in Canada do.  Every day the kids still ask to move back "home" and want to be with their friends.  You know the saying, "The grass is greener on the other side?"  My son struggled to adjust to our life and the culture of the country we learned to call "home."  But when it was time to move back he suddenly realized how much it felt like home there, how he didn't want to move and how amazing his friends and community were.  There is a new family in town who moved to our little community from a European country.  She was sharing the other day about her kids struggles in school and their adjusting to a new country/town etc.  I so could relate.  It's hard to adjust when you don't have the language when you move to a new place.  It's also hard to come back and even though you have the language, people change and so does the town.  It's a lot to have to relearn all over again.  I continue to value all the prayers being sent up on our behalf and I am thankful that my kids are verbally processing all their emotions and feelings that they are sorting through in this season.  Please keep praying!


And now I want to continue to share my story....
I became a Christian when I was 4 shortly after we moved into our new house.  I remember being tickled on the floor by my aunt who was not a Christian.  Suddenly, and seemingly out of now where, to her surprise, I stood up and declared that I wanted to become a Christian.  My dad was in the basement painting and so my mom told me to go talk to him.  I don't remember the full conversation but I remember that was the day that I confessed my sins and my need for Jesus and I decided I wanted to follow Him for the rest of my life.

Up until I went to Kindergarten I was known as Becky.  It wasn't until one day, when I was given a note from my teacher to take to my parents, that I began to read it on the way home and realized she wrote my name as starting with and R instead of a B.  So I asked my mom why this was.  She went on to explain that my real name was Rebekah.  So for the rest of the week at school I refused to answer my teacher whenever she called me Becky.  When asked why I did this I simply explained, "My name is Rebekah, it's not Becky!"  And ever since then I prefer to NOT be called Becky.

Due to the nature of some things I can't write everything that has happened in my life for just anyone to read.  For some of the more defining and personal stories that happened to me, it will have to be shared with my little family as they are old enough to hear it.  Let's just say I am who I am because of the years of being able to walk through some tough stuff, all the while learning how to forgive and move forward.

I was a small and determined little girl.  Some would say I was strong-willed.  I was pretty black and white and bold in my faith.  I loved Jesus and I wasn't afraid to tell others about Him.  I remember being about 7 and one night my parents were watching a movie with some friends.  It was a movie based on the book of Revelation (the last book in the Bible) called, "A Thief In The Night." I woke up because I heard the T.V. on and I walked into the living room to watch a bit.  It was the part where the Christians were being beheaded for their faith.  However my little mind at the time thought it was that one would get their head cut off if they didn't become a Christian.  Talk about a heavy thing to see as a little kid.  I had lots of questions after that and that experience.  Sure it gave me some nightmares and sleepless nights at first, but it also grabbed my heart with a burden for those people who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  I went to school that week and gathered about 5 of my friends together in the middle of the school field and strongly encouraged them to give their lives to Jesus so that they didn't get their heads cut off.  Ok my theology was way off at the time and thankfully I have a better understanding of the tribulation that is to come and a great respect and love for the last book of the Bible, Revelation.  I have a great respect for all of the Bible!  It's God's Word, living and active and TRUTH!

In elementary school, my principle at the time had called my mom to tell her to ask me to stop gathering kids at the flag pole to pray for the school.  I didn't want to.  I was a little fire ball, evangelist who wanted all my family and friends to be saved.  It wasn't easy being told by certain people, closely associated with our family, that I was brain washed by my parents when I would ask if I could pray at their supper table. Or when they would call me and tell me that I couldn't give their kids Bibles or talk about God with them.  It was hurtful.  And only just a little taste of persecution that my brothers and sisters in Christ in the persecuted churches face all over the world.  Yet that didn't stop me.  My faith was important to me. I got a little name card when I was a kid that had a verse on it under my name.  1 Corinthians 15:58, "So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for your know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."  No matter how tough life got and how dark seasons felt I never fully could abandon my Lord and my faith.  By His grace He held me together and helped me be immovable.  Those teenage years were tough, well growing up in my town as a whole was tough and I often felt alone in my faith, but thankfully He carried me through.  More on that at a later time.

Hope

Psalm 39:7 "My only HOPE is in You."

Today I had this song on repeat. 

In every season, in every change
You are near
In every sorrow, You are my strength
You are near

A peace in the storm
Your voice I will follow
In weakness I rise
Remembering You hold my world

I’m holding on to hope
I’m holding on to grace
I’m fully letting go
I’m surrendered to Your ways
The anchor for my soul
Father You will never change
I love You, I love You

My great Redeemer
My constant Friend
You are near
My faithful Father, You took me in
You are near

I will remember Your promise forever
My Strength, my Defender
I can count on You
You are my Savior, My Hope and my Shelter
Your love is forever
I can count on You

I am thankful that He's my peace in the storms of life, in the every day struggles.  That in my weakness I can rise knowing He holds my world.  That He's my anchor for my weary soul and that He will NEVER change.  He's my Redeemer and constant friend and the one I can count on.  

Health update

So this past Thursday I had my CT scan and I got my results yesterday.  The scan was clear.  Well, minus the fact that there was a small kidney stone that was found.  But this time my liver looked normal so that was good.  My oncologist is so patient and willing to answer my questions as best as he can.  He said he'll be concerned about me for the next 3 or 4 yrs and if nothing shows up on scans during that time than he'll start to worry about me less. :0)  He said that most of my pain and discomfort must be coming from affects of the surgery.  I see my surgeon for a check-up in January and then will have a scan and a follow-up with the oncologist in March, barring that I don't have any symptoms that make me think I need to see him sooner.

 I am now waiting for a urologist appointment which won't be till the end of November, to possibly do a scope or something else, to try to figure out the root cause of the chronic bladder infections.  Last night was a brutal night. I basically held my hand over my bladder and gut all night as I was in pain and unable to really sleep.  This happens often, where pain keeps me up.  If people see me out and about they may think I am having a "good" day.  What they don't see is the many bathroom trips before and after and during an outing.  They don't see the pain or the discomfort I am feeling on a regular basis. They don't often see the effort it takes to get out of the house.  But for my kids sake I try my best to have some sort of normalcy for them and me. 

I started the pancreatic enzymes today.  It's an attempt to help my body better absorb the nutrients from the food I am eating.  I have a pain specialist appointment, a gyno appointment, a urologist appointment and a gastro intestinal appointment coming up at some point.  These are all appointments meant to try to help me better deal with the various issues I am still battling, an attempt to help me gain better quality of life.

I am realizing more and more the affects of the chemo, the 5 times I was put under for surgeries/procedures this year, and the lack of sleep on my ability to process and function.  I get overwhelmed easily with noise.  I get stressed more easily and the idea of driving in the city, with all the traffic feels almost claustrophobic in a way.  It's hard to explain.  I don't like how "stupid" I feel at times and how slow my brain seems to function or remember at other times.  I am thankful for the few friends who have been willing to drive me in the city and even come with me to my appointments to take notes and better help me remember the conversations I have with the doctors...what a blessing that has been.  What I find stressful is not only looking for rides but also for child care.  Thankfully so far the Lord has provided each time there's been an appointment.

So I informed some of my friends about the results of the CT scan. My one friend wrote and said, "That's good, right?  What is your intuition?"  She knows that these scans don't always tell it as it is.  I was just thinking this morning about how I need to choose to walk in thankfulness for a clear scan. That I need to see it as positive and not walk in fear of the unknown or "what-ifs" so that I can be more positive.  Then I read my devos and this stood out to me:

"While you are in the throes of adversity, your greatest challenge is to keep on trusting that I am both sovereign and good.  Do not expect to understand My ways; for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways and thoughts higher than yours.  When you respond to trouble with thanksgiving-convinced that I can bring good out of the most difficult situations-I am pleased.  This act of faith encourages you and glorifies Me.  I rejoice when My struggling children give thanks to Me in song!"

So today, as tired as I am, I look to Him with thankfulness, gratitude that the scan was clear, that for the first time since March I am 84 lbs.  Hopefully things will keep improving! 

On a different note on Saturday I was able to meet a fellow appendix cancer friend at the mall.  We met on my appendix cancer FB group.  She is going for her HIPEC (major surgery plus hot chemo) later this month.  I am thankful for the opportunity I have had to get to know her and hopefully be an encouragement or be someone she can ask questions to about this procedure.  That is something I didn't have heading into mine back in Feb.  I was really clueless about recovery, etc.  I am SO thankful for all the prayers that have been sent up on my behalf, especially this year.  If you can also prayer for my friend Chantale I am sure she'd appreciate those prayers.

Just an honest post

It’s Wednesday night, that means I get some alone time.  It’s so hard to know how to spend my alone time.  I could organize the many rooms that need cleaning and de-cluttering or I could journal, read, blog, sleep, do my physio, bake, etc.  The other day I had a babysitter and since I had canceled one  appointment it meant I had a couple of hours to myself.  I spent some time starting to color in my adult coloring book my friend Cheryl mailed to me when I was in the hospital this past spring. I turned to a page that had the verse that the Lord gave me at the start of the year and started to color.  It was actually stress releasing and calming.  Yet also a reminder of the way the Father has used this verse to speak to me over this past year. When there were many of times I couldn’t eat due to surgery preps, or after surgeries, or where gaining weight has been a struggle and food a battle to have it stay in me long enough to absorb the nutrients I needed to taste and see His goodness, not the food.  He was sustenance when food was/is not.  And It’s my reminder to continue to take refuge in Him.  I am still waiting on a call from the GI specialist for an appointment so we can see about any other suggestions to stop the chronic runs so that I can live a some-what normal life. I long to not have to be stressed every time I leave my home, making sure I know where a washroom is in case I need it. I long to be able to eat without worrying how it will affect my digestive system or if I can even eat it in the first place.  I need to give those worries and fears over to the Lord and gain strength from Him each day. 

Stress is something I deal with regularly.  I am working through a book with a sweet friend on managing stress.  I am learning that I need to prayerfully say “no” to some things, which is hard.  But in this season I have little strength and energy to do all that I wish I could do or all I have been invited to do.  I’ve been asked to be part of 5 different bible studies, or help with Awana or other things but I just can’t say yes, or I feel overwhelmed.  Partly because I never know how I will be feeling that day.  Partly because I have little energy to actually read more books or be out and about so much.  But oh I wish I could get more involved and connect more in groups like this. 

I am thankful for the few faithful friends who I know I can call on if I need help with watching my kids or for friends who have volunteered to drive me in for appointments or bring some meals to help take some of the stress I feel off of my shoulders.  Yet I feel guilty.  Guilty because it’s been 8 months since my last surgery and I feel like I should be able to manage more things, but to be honest I just have not bounced back like I wish I could.  I don’t sleep at night.  The pain or insomnia keeps me up.  I am not at my full capacity mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically.  And that is hard for me to accept.  But slowly I’m learning that I have to not care about the weeds on my yard or the clutter in my house.  I have to not be afraid to ask for help…that’s a hard one.  Some people are easier to ask for help from than others.  And for some strange reason I feel guilty asking for help.  My Father-in-law walked this road of cancer and recovery after surgeries before I did.  He was a testimony of not complaining through it all.  I long to take after Him in that but I will admit it’s hard to know when people ask how I am doing what to say. Hard to know when to be honest and say I am really struggling right now, or when to just smile and say, “Today is a good day.  There are some good days and bad days and today is a good day.” 

So tomorrow I have a CT scan.  I was due for one in December but due to not feeling quite right they moved it up.  I realize the radiation isn’t best to be subjected to so regularly and I realize that it might cause a secondary cancer 20 yrs down the road but for now I hope it can bring some peace of mind.  And to be honest I don’t know of too many people who have lived 20 years with the cancer I have so if that were to happen that would be a miracle in itself.  It’s so hard because I know from the research I have done this cancer usually won’t show up on scans and blood work but how else do you try to monitor it without just opening me up every 6 mths to see what’s really going on inside?  The pain could just be due to a chronic uti infection I’ve been battling off and on this summer or it could be the cancer being back or just my body still adjusting after such massive surgeries.  I don’t know, but I do know I wish I could sleep so that I had more energy to accomplish daily tasks and be the mom and wife my kids and hubby need me to be.

On a different note, October is miscarriage, infant loss and stillborn awareness month. (I'll save another post to talk specifically about my losses and how the Lord was with me in that dark season). When I learn of women finding out about this cancer after trying to discover why they are dealing with infertility, and discovering it all over inside through a laparoscopy, I am so thankful that I have my two kiddos to take care of.  I am saddened and miss the 3 I lost but I am thankful I still got to be mom and this cancer didn’t rob me of that.  My heart is saddened for those who have had to lose the dream of having a baby due to the brutality of cancer taking over their reproductive areas.  I have a picture representing my 3 babies up in my room.  Then my dear friend Heather made me a picture.  The biggest rock represents Jesus, the two leaning on the rock are to represent me and Trev and the other two rocks represent my 2 kiddos.  Then there are 3 red beads…those represent the 3 we lost.  My friend has always been good at coming alongside me and remembering my losses. 

The picture of the person looking through the dark woods at the light reminds me of the dream I had days before the airport attack in the city we lived in last yr.  Through the dream I felt the Lord inviting me to look to HIM, the light, and not at all the darkness and evil around me.  As I continue to walk out this road ahead of me I know I need to keep my eyes on Him.  I read in my devotional this morning about not fearing bad news.  So much evil is taking place in this world but the Lord asks us to Trust HIM and in Psalm 112:7 He says, “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”  So I humble myself before the Lord to admit the fears, stress and weaknesses I’ve been feeling, repent and ask for His strength and help to fully Trust Him, and to ask for help to have my heart remain steadfast on Him.  So tomorrow as I head into my scan I will do what I encourage many others to do.  I will ask Jesus where He is in the room with me.  I will focus on His presence instead of all the “what if’s” that could fill my head in those moments.  Thanks for your prayers.

And just a little reminder that Jesus cares about me.  I lost a necklace in Ontario this summer when I was there for a debreif retreat.  This was a special necklace given to me from my close friend overseas.  I was heart broken that I lost it.  At first I was told they couldn't find it but just tonight I got an email saying it has been found and will be emailed to me.  I had tears in my eyes as I read that.  :0)

The beginning...

This past weekend was rather sobering for me when I learned that a friend of mine’s cancer had returned and he was now being told his tumor was inoperable.  Within that same week I heard of another person I know who was given a couple of months to live.  My heart was heavy and I began to realize once again that I need to take EACH day as a day to be grateful for and thankful for.  I also had the opportunity to skype with a friend who asked me the hard questions, but the ones that need to be asked, like: “If I were to die how do I want to prepare my family for that senerio and what do I want to do to help them in their grief?”  This is one reason why I started this blog.  I want to leave my “Story” behind for my kids to read.  I want them to attest to the Faithfulness of God.  Just this week my son and I were talking and he asked, “How do you know Jesus is the one true God?”  I began to share a bit about my story.  Parts of it he had not heard before.  I listed off the reasons I believe Jesus the True God.  It’s through my story that I see God’s hand on my life over and over and I can’t deny Him and His work in my life.

So it all begins when I was in my mother’s womb.  My mom was maybe 4 months pregnant with me when a blood clot was found near my heart and there was also one near my mom’s groin.  The doctors were concerned those blood clots would move and kill me.  My mom was sent to The Pas, two hours away from where I grew up, and there the doctors told my parents that they needed to abort me.  If they did abort me then they could save my mom’s life, if they didn’t, then it was possible both my mom and myself would die.  I guess our heart beats were not normal and they were told that if they didn’t go back to normal they would take me right away. 

My dad went straight to the Pastor and asked people to begin praying for my mom and me.    When my mom was in the ICU at The Pas she said she was kept sedated in a dark room but clearly felt God was at her side and He whispered, “BE STILL AND KNOW I AM THE I AM, My name will be lifted high.”  She said she wanted to touch Him. She must have reached out to touch him because then she remembers the nurse coming in quickly and covering her back up telling her she couldn’t get up and needed to stay in her bed (to try to prevent the blood clot from moving into a more dangerous place).  Through prayer, our hearts stabilized enough for my mom to be airlifted to Winnipeg.  There was one lady from our little church who said, when she was praying that she heard angels singing and it was then that the blood clot moved and my heart was stabilized.  There too the doctors in Winnipeg recommended abortion.  They assumed if I lived I would be born with Down Syndrome.  In Winnipeg my mom saw Jesus holding a baby and he said, “I come that you may have life” and he outstretched his arms to her. 

My mom had a lot of complications while carrying me and spent most of the last part of her pregnancy in Winnipeg, on IV heparin due to the blood clots, while my dad was up north caring for my older sister, who was like a yr and a half at the time.  Mom had placenta previa so there was even more concern for her and my life.  The last 6 weeks of her pregnancy, in order to get out of the hospital, she had to stay in Winnipeg with friends so she could be near the hospital while giving herself injections every 8 hrs, all while my dad was taking care of my sister up north.  I was supposed to be born mid Jan but finally the doctors took me 2 days before Christmas.  I was born 7 lbs 2 oz but was home at 6 lbs or less due to health issues.  My stomach opening only opened half way.  This meant my mom had to feed me an ounce every half hour or I’d throw it all up.  I was born with Hirschsprung disease which is disease of the bowels. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hirschsprung%27s_disease  

Due to these health issues at the age of 3 months old I was only 9 lbs 1oz.  I could not gain weight.  I was not growing.  I was in ICU for 10 days, and in the hospital for 3 weeks after I was born.  By a year and a half I was rushed to Winnipeg where the Doctors wondered if I was being abused because I was so malnourished and sick.  My bowels did not work.  I was so backed up and my bowels were blown to the size of an adults.  I would scream in pain A LOT because I was in so much pain and unable to go to the bathroom.   They needed to flush out my bowels but that procedure is normally not done on babies.  They weren’t sure I’d survive if they performed it and they worried my bowels would explode. They irrigated my bowels.  While this was happening my mom was praying and she felt she heard the Lord give her Jeremiah 1:5 for me. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”  (As a side note this verse has become one of my life verses).  She would later say it was only their faith in God that held them through this difficult time.

I walked and talked later than most kids.  The doctors said if I wasn’t walking by 2 then they would have me go for a Cystic Fibrosis test.  Well at 1 month before I turned 2 I walked.  I am not the brightest crayon in the box but I wouldn’t say I am stupid either.  I worked hard for my good grades and graduated as the third highest in my grade 12 and I graduated from my 4^th yr. of college with top honours.  My mom calls me her miracle baby.

So due to the Hirschsprungs my sphincter in my bum did not work. As a baby they stretched my sphincter, but by the age of 5, due to some blood in my stools they wondered if they would have to perform a full colostomy.   My brain would tell my body that I needed to poop but by sphincter would not open.  My parents prayed hard and the Doctor looked at my parents before they wheeled me into the surgery room, and said, “I know you are praying people so just pray.”  My parents prepared for the reality that I might not come out of the surgery.  In the end they did not need to remove my bowels, they just repaired and added to or remade my sphincter.  I remember that surgery well and how scared I was going through those surgery doors, having to leave my mom on the other side.  I lived off of laxatives for yrs and hated my regular trips to The Pas to see doctors for check ups.  I would scream not wanting them to touch me or check my bum.  My mom said that on one of the doctor visits back to Winnipeg one of the nurses was so surprised to see that I was alive after all I had been through.  I know my life is a miracle. 

I used to be shy and not want anyone to know this part of my story because it had to do with my bowels.  Now I think it’s interesting that I deal with quit the opposite, I no longer have a colon and I deal with short bowel syndrome.  So instead of being backed up real bad I can’t seem to get on top of the chronic runs.  Yet I continue to live and fight for life.  My mom recently saw two of the doctors who dealt with my issues and my mom’s health issues when I was young.  They were saddened to hear of my cancer diagnosis knowing full well what all I went through so many years before.  But praise the Lord I am still here.  Many times the doctors didn’t think I would survive and live.  They didn’t think I’d make it past the age of 5.  Well I am turning 37 at the end of this year. That’s something to praise the Lord about!  Though I am so ready to meet my Savior Jesus and I have complete peace about heaven, I have two little miracles of my own and an amazing husband who are not ready to say good-bye yet.  And so I choose to believe the Lord has something else in-store for me yet.  His call on my life has not been removed!  I will fight and choose life until it’s my time to enter those pearly gates.  Trusting His name will be praised through my story, past-present-and future.

Reunion

17 yrs ago I was in my 2nd yr of Bible School and I met these wonderful ladies.  All my life growing up I longed for friendships that were real and authentic.  I was one of few Christian kids in my community and often felt alone in my faith.  Even though I had a few good friends in high school I really looked forward to moving away and finding like-minded friendships.  These ladies were a lot of fun to hang out with during my Bethany days.  But we also had some sweet times singing together, sharing our hearts and encouraging each other in our walks with Jesus.  The last time we all got together was maybe 8 yrs ago.  Once I moved back, and these dear friends learned more about my health, they decided we needed to get together again.  They either drove out here, or flew, to spend a weekend with me at a sweet little retreat place just outside of Winnipeg.  One of the ladies' aunt and uncle run the place. We enjoyed some shopping, going to Thermea and yummy food at the retreat centre.  But my favorite time was gathering together on Sunday morning where we each took turns praying for each other.  Over the weekend we had poured out our hearts to each other and now was a time to bring those burdens to the Lord.  We prayed for each other and sang some good old familiar songs that we used to sing at Bible School 17 yrs ago.  I am thankful for friendships that you can pick up where you left of.   Hopefully we can do this again in a few years.  Here's to planning for the future!

When I look at these pictures I finally see why my daughter has been calling me her "little mommy."  I knew I was skinny and small but when I see it in pictures it makes me sad.  I eat so often and yet the calories don't seem to stay.  It made me think about how some times it's easy to see a skinny women and judge her thinking she mustn't eat or really take care of herself.  Well let's not judge others because perhaps they are dealing with health issues that affect their weight and what they can and can not eat or keep in.  Perspective!  My daughter prays, asking Jesus to make me stronger so I am not so little and so that I can carry her around for long periods of time.  

Update on my health

I figured I'd give a little update on how I am doing health wise as I know there are a few people who want to keep in the loop with that.

About a month ago I started to feel off.  One particular day in August I was in so much pain it reminded me of the days in December last year, before I was diagnosed, where I would wrath in pain. I was in BC, catching up with old friends, but had to return back to where we were staying to rest.  In this last month I have had a number of times where if I stand up too quick I feel like I will black out or pass out.  Normally my blood pressure is low but at times it's been even lower than my normal low.  I know I am dehydrated at times because I have not been drinking as much as I should.  The issue is if I drink while I eat a meal, or even right before or after, it's like I flush my system and my food runs through me.  So I don't end up drinking as much.  This has not helped.  And now I am taking 2 ounces of a supplement 4 times a day on top of drinking a certaian medication 3 times a day and then needing sip on water throughout the day. 

I have had some similar pains or even sounds in my digestive system that have made me wonder if this cancer is back.  So I called my oncologist and got in earlier to see him.  The issue is that I have days where the runs keep coming and I am on the toilet like 20 times.  This makes it hard to get the nutrients from the foods I eat.  People ask if I have an appetite.  I eat all the time.  I eat because I have to eat.  If I eat foods I want to eat it seems those are the ones that are harder on my digestive system.  You know the ones that are maybe more flavorful, etc.   I saw my oncologist on Monday.  At this point he said the meds (5 different ones) I take are all he knows what to give me to help.  He is referring me to a GI specialist.  See I have no colon and I also have a shortened small intestine.  I forget how much small intestine they took.  Maybe like 30 cm?  So I deal with short bowel syndrome as well.   I currently weigh 81.6 lbs.  At this point my oncologist, 2 different physio therapist and dietitian are concerned with my weight.  It's been explained to me that since I don't have an omentum to protect my organs and have very little fat and muscle those organs are more exposed in a sense and that it's vital that I gain weight to protect those vital organs.  Also due to the low weight and the fact that I am now in menopause, after my hysterectomy, I am at a higher percentage of losing bone density and getting complications from that like brittle bones, osteoporosis, etc .  When I asked about if myself and my family need to get the flu shot that Dr. explained that if I got the flu it could be lethal for me since I can't afford to go days without eating, I can't afford to lose more weight.  I don't have the fat stored on my body to protect me in times like that.  The Dr. did mention perhaps needing to look at TPN again.  Oh I was about to cry when he said that.  TPN is a bag of nutrients that looks like white glue that would be given to me intravenously for like a week or whatever.  This would mean time in the hospital and away from my family and needing to figure out childcare as my hubby works.  I had TPN so much this spring, I HATE it.  But if I can't figure out how to gain and keep weight on with food and physio then this will be my only option.  Some times it can be given at home and into your stomach as you sleep but not sure that can happen for people like me who don't live in the city.

I do get a shot once a month that is supposed to help lesson the amount of bathroom trips.  However I wasn't noticing that it made much difference these last 2 mths, even after we increased the dosage.  Now I take a similar shot but 3 times a day as a trial for this week to see if it will help.  If so then that monthly shot dosage will be increased again.  The complications that could arise from these shots is gull stones.  To be honest so far there hasn't been much improvement so I am not sure what we'll do if this doesn't work.  When I had to be taught how to give myself the shots I was assigned a wonderful nurse.  He name is Michelle.  She looked liked and talked like my friend Michelle who is also a nurse but lives in AB.  To be honest it felt like Jesus gave me a little gift of having my compassionate friend there with me explaining all about the needles and what I needed to do.  Cancer Care has been so good to me.  Most of the medical professionals I see are based in the same system.  My dietitian is a Christian and she genuinely cares about me.  She calls to check in on me and my weight.  She researches, give me meal ideas, goes over my food journal, tries to encourage me and has been so compassionate with me on days when it's all so overwhelming and the tears start to well in my eyes.

So I was due for a 6 mth scan in December but due to my complaints the oncologist is going to order a scan for me.  It's more a peace of mind for me but since things feel off I wanted to check.  It's hard to know if my pains that keep me up at night are due to all the digestive issues or the uti that I had an the antibiotics I was on or due to the pains still from the major surgery I had.  It's been 7 months from my last big surgery and 6 months from my final surgery.  I have been told it could take a yr or even 2 to get back to "normal."  The Dr. did tell me that the HIPEC (hot chemo) I had 7 mths ago could actually cause scarring in my intestines and that could cause pain and the runs too.  I started a hormone replacement but since I started that I have had more insomnia in a way.  So I am being referred to a different gyno at cancer care and I will also be referred to a pain specialist.  This means more appointments and more trips into the city and more times where I need to figure out child care.  Thankfully this past week two different friends offered to drive me in for my appointments and my friend looked after my kids for me.  I have found help for my little girl two mornings a week for 4 hrs at a time.  This has been helpful.  I started a book study with a friend on stress and I am realizing that even though I get stressed when my house is a mess it is gonna have to be one of those things I let go of so that I don't feel so overwhelmed by all the medical stuff on top of food prep (I have to eat 6 to 8 meals a day with protein in each meal) and taking care of family and house and life in general.

My husband is enjoying his job.  I appreciate that he's a man who works hard.  He lives out Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, work at it with your whole being, for the Lord and not for men."  We used to "work" together and have the same goal and vision.  Now that he works and I am at home, I appreciate when he tells me about his day, what he's learning or doing so that I can feel connected in some way.  I have been pondering what I want to do.  As I see people I know, with cancer, dealing with re-occurrence or being given little time to live, I know that I am not guaranteed to have years yet.  However, perhaps I will be.  I need to take each day as a gift.  A new day, given by the Lord, and one that is to be rejoiced in and given thanks for.  Yet I also want to look ahead to the future.  Eventually, after I feel healthier, and perhaps next year when my daughter starts kindergarten, I'd like to persue my Spiritual Direction course and further my training to become a Life coach.  Yesterday someone came to me saying that for her work she was asked to find a prayer person, someone who would specifically pray for her on a regular basis.  And when she asked I said, "Yes" because prayer is something I enjoy and am passionate about and it's something I can do "on my sick bed" too.  

Through all of this health stuff I am thankful for the medical team I have around me, thankful I can do all of this in English and yet I am thankful for my surgeon in Turkey who did the drastic and aggressive surgery that he did back on Feb 28th of this year.  I believe that added time to my life.  That, along with the thousands of prayers that have been and are being sent up on my behalf.  How humbling.