My Babies (significance of January) and 1 yr celebration!

Tomorrow, January 18, marks 8 years since our first miscarriage.  Since it took us 8 months of trying to get pregnant with our son we thought we'd start before he'd even turned a yr old for another baby.  Little did we know that it would take 2 more years before we saw a positive pregnancy test.  We felt we were to trust God in the process.  However we also began to see a fertility specialist trying to figure out what was wrong.  After a few failed IUI's we saw a nurse at a fertility clinic to discuss IVF.  We both didn't feel comfortable going down that route but we wanted to at least have a chance to go to the fertility clinic and learn more and ask questions.  That was December of 2009.  This nurse tried to push us hard to start IVF.  She even went so far as to tell us that we'd never get pregnant on our own without doing IVF.  We asked for a month to go home and pray about this big decision.  And God had other plans.  We had set up a second opinion meeting at a different fertility clinic.  But the day before we were supposed to go to that meeting I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant.  We were so excited.  It was as if God was telling us we can get pregnant with HIS help not the help of IVF.  We called family and some close friends.  It had been a 2 yr wait so we really thought this was the baby we'd get to keep.  We told our son and he gave the baby in my womb the nickname, "Baby Raspberry."  We were all excited and I truly believe this one was a little girl.  In fact after we had called my sister-in-law to tell her about our pregnancy she said she had seen a sticker that night that said "It's a girl."  When I went to the Dr. to confirm my pregnancy the nurse came out and asked if I was really sure I had a positive test.  Then the next thing I knew I was having an ultra sound a few days later.  No baby was seen but I thought it was just because it was so early on in the pregnancy.  But on January 18th I started to spot and when I went to the Dr. he informed me that I had a chemical pregnancy.  I was heart broken.  I never imagined dealing with secondary infertility and then a miscarriage.  We found a picture on the internet of a raspberry (for those of you who don't know one of my favorite foods is raspberries) in order to remember our little one by.  I did not notice until awhile later that there is actually another little start of a raspberry growing in that picture.  It was as if it was a sign of HOPE from the Father.  And over the next few years I would hold on to all the little signs of HOPE that I saw or heard.

 My baby was due September 21st 2010.  Her due date was super hard for me.  I clearly remember having a bath, listening to worship music and crying out the Father begging for a glimpse of my baby since she died so young I didn't have a grave site to go visit.  And the Father answered.  I can't explain it but I really felt like I was holding my baby girl.  It was a special moment where I encountered the Lord in such an intimate way and in the Spirit He gave me a picture of me being able to bury  my daughter.  I also had a picture of her in Heaven with brown hair and cute pigtails.

May 2011 I was training to run a 10 k run for the RUN FOR WATER.  I decided to do a pregnancy test just to make sure since I was a little late with my period.  Sure enough the test said pregnant.  I was a little scared but I guess I truly believed this would be the one we'd get to keep.  I decided to pull out of the race just to make sure.  Only 8 days later I started to spot again and that fear and dread took over and I knew in my heart we were losing this baby.  I clearly remember laying in the u/s room's bed and I saw a picture of Jesus standing next to me holding a baby in a blue blanket.  At that moment I knew it was a boy and I knew my baby was safe in HIS arms.  My son nicknamed that one Baby Flower.  To this day I love seeing purple tulips.

Canada Day weekend 2012 was a hard weekend.  We had just made a move from BC back to MB for the summer knowing in a few months our family of 3 would be moving overseas.  On the drive home we took a few days to stop along the way.  The night before we arrived in MB I was feeling like I was either pregnant or going to have my period. My hubby ran out to a grocery store and I took the test in the hotel room.  I was shocked to learn that I was pregnant.  If I back up a bit I will explain that after my first miscarriage someone told me they really felt that when my son was 5 I would get pregnant again.  I wept when she told me that.  I didn't want to wait that long.  And I wasn't sure if I should believe that she heard from the Lord or not.  In my training on hearing God's voice and on the prophetic I've been told to never give out MATES, DATES, or BABIES to people unless we really clearly felt that was from the Father.  Well this pregnancy happened when my son was 5.  So some how I believed this was the one we'd finally get to keep.  We got to Trev's parents in MB and I began to go through my maternity clothes I had in storage.  A friend of mine had given me some of her maternity clothes to hold on to as an act of HOPE.  It was feeling real and I was starting to get excited.  And yet when I was praying about this pregnancy I saw a picture of a blue butterfly being released into the sky out of hands and I heard a still small thought, "This one will not make it but the next one you will get to keep."  A couple of days later we headed up to see my family for the Canada long weekend.  Within hours of getting there I told my mom we were expecting and within about 2 hrs after that I began to spot.  Oh I was devastated.  All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and lay down flat in hopes of stopping the bleeding and being able to keep the baby.  The next day I lost so much blood and there was so much pain I had to go see a doctor.  Because it was the long weekend and my parents live in a small town I had to go to a town 2 hrs away to see a Dr.  He suspected I was miscarrying but told me to come back after the long weekend for an ultrasound.  I was filled with anger when I realized that we had lost this baby. I did not understand why I needed to lose three babies and the hope of every having another child seem to fade.

Keep in mind we were supposed to be preparing to head overseas.  I knew I had three miscarriages so this meant I could have genetic testing done but I didn't have a GP and I didn't have a lot of time to get in to someone who could order the testing I needed.   The Lord moved mountains and lead me to the right people, who had the right connections, to get me into special doctors who gave us the genetic testing.  We found an amazing Christian GP in the process since ours had moved away during the time we were living in BC.  The tests came back with a stamp on it saying "NORMAL FEMALE and NORMAL MALE."  There was nothing physically wrong according to these tests as to why we were losing these babies.  So that October we packed up our stuff and moved our family overseas.  

We settled into our home and began to start our new life adjusting to a new culture.  That December, during a local church service, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to go up and ask for prayer for a baby.  Over the years many church leaders, godly people and many others prayed for us so I wasn't sure how this would be any different.  That was the beginning of December 2013.  In January I clearly remember my husband and I preparing to do a 10 juice fast.  2 days before we were gonna start I had a dream.  We were walking along the water in our new country.  My son's arms were around me and my husband had a little girl on his shoulders.  My son was about the age of 7 and the girl was about 18 months in the dream.  She reached out for me and called me "Mom".  I was shocked and didn't know what to make of the dream.  Then 2 days later (January 19, 2014) my husband told me I should take a pregnancy test before I do a juice fast just to make sure.  I laughed and didn't want to.  I took the test and at first nothing showed up.  I told him it was negative but the Holy Spirit told him that wasn't true.  He asked me to look at the test again.  Sure enough it said I was pregnant.  I wept.  I was overcome with fear.  I did not want to lose this baby and go through a miscarriage in a foreign country.  It wasn't too long after when the Lord began to show me something special.  My son was still 5 yrs old, though he was gonna be 6 and a half when the baby would be born.  That January marked 5 yrs of trying for another baby.  It was our 5th pregnancy.  I felt the number 5 had some significance so I researched and discovered that 5 meant GRACE.  "Grace" it was my middle name.  Grace meant "gift from God" and that is exactly what this baby was.  So thus began my quest to figure out what Grace meant in the new language we were now immersing ourselves in.  Deep in my heart I believed this little one was a girl.  Over those 5 yrs the Lord would speak quietly but for my knowing that I was to hold on to hope that one day we'd have a little girl added to our family.  

So as you can see the month of January has held some significant events in my life...many painful and some wonderful.  On January 19, 2016 I had an emergency appendectomy.  Though I was told that my appendix looked abnormal I never once thought it was cancer.  January 26th, I got the pathology reports and was shocked and devastated to learn that I had a rare and aggressive form of appendix cancer called Goblet Cell adenocarcinoma.  So today is the 17th.  This means that in a few days I will be celebrating 1 yr since that horrible cancer diagnosis.  What a year it's been!  I am so so thankful and humble for all the prayers that have been sent up on our behalf and for all of the HELP we've had in this last yr.  I just came back yesterday from a doctor check-up.  My cancer tumor marker blood tests showed up in the normal range.  Though i am aware this cancer usually does not show up on scans and blood tests I need to choose HOPE over fear of the unknown.  It's time to celebrate LIFE and here's to hoping for many more years to celebrate being an 

APPENDIX CANCER SURVIVOR!