I went to Hobby Lobby with a dear friend this week. I could have spent all day in that store. I loved all of the signs and wished I could have bought them all. When I saw this sign this week I got teary eyed. I didn't buy it. Some how it felt like knowing my health issues I may never get to grow old with my love. But once I got home from the store I regretted it. I Wish I would have bought it as an act of faith in a way! We long to grow old together, see our kids get married and meet our grandchildren (see them grow up too). Then there was this sign below. I also had tears in my eyes when I saw this one. This was part of who we were as a family. Travel, a love for the Word and a desire to see more of it was shaping our family. Airports, foreign food, hotels, different countries, languages, etc..it was in our souls. Now, in our new normal, I don't know what adventure looks like. It's like I need to rediscover what's inside my soul again.
Yesterday I found a few minutes alone to be able to journal and reflect. It was such a weird feeling to realize and contemplate on the reality that 2017 ended yesterday. What an intense year it was. One full of surprises, heart ache and blessings. I began the year in pain, and in earnest pursuit to discover the source of that pain. I endured four surgeries (5 procedures), I faced the challenge of cancer with shock, surprise, fight, hope, fear, despair, reality, gratitude, endurance and assurance of my salvation, exhaustion and perseverance.
The first picture was taken when I was at my weakest and thinnest this spring. I had no fight left in me. To be honest I was ready to die. But my loving husband made me put on these boxing gloves and took a picture. He sent it to my friends to ask them to pray for me.
This picture above was taken a few days ago. I still have a lot of weight to gain, more rest and energy to acquire and even a chemo brain to retrain (I hate that I've become so forgetful). But I see progress from these two pictures. I have more hope and determination to fight this thing called cancer. I praise the Lord that as of right now I am cancer free. It's just a matter of continuing to heal from all the surgeries and trauma my body endured this yr.
"Taste and see that the Lord is good, blessed is the is the man who takes refuge in Him." Ps 34:8 was my word at the start of the year. Little did I know how much this would speak to me throughout all I endured. This coming yr I want to focus even more on the last part of the verse. I want to be more intentional to take time out to be with Jesus. I want to not just make it through this year surviving but I want to THRIVE. This past yr I had little strength and energy to read, to study, or to accomplish much more than what was necessary. How I long to have energy and rest so I can function much better for myself and my family.
So what is my word for 2018? Well I have been reflecting on my life verse, Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb, before were born I set you apart; I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations." The number of times I "should have died" helps me see that the Lord has formed me and set me apart. He's not done with me here on earth yet! But this year I long to grow more in the prophetic. I long to understand it more and what it means for my life and ministry.
Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." This verse stood out to us back in 2009. Then this year it came up again. We don't understand why we had to leave the country and the people we love so dearly. Some days it feels like we were never there. Other days the tears flow and we miss it very much. But for some reason this twist in the road, and coming back to Canada, it's all part of HIS plan for each of us as a family and individually. I long to look and wait with expectation to see what the Lord has in store for us in this next season.
The word JOY seems to be standing out to me a lot lately. J stands for JESUS first, O stands for OTHERS next and then Y stands for YOURSELF last. This past yr was hard as I was in a place of being loved on, served, taken care of, prayed for, and helped. I so badly wanted to be the one there helping others but I had no strength nor capacity to do so. I still have not fully bounced back. Yet this coming yr I long to invest more in my walk with the Jesus. I long to have the energy and capacity to walk alongside others and I long to also take better care of me. I was too busy trying to get better enough to get out of the hospital, get good enough to fly on a plane home, push to get my family settled, worked hard at trying to help my kids transition back to life in Canada with all the struggles that entailed with it. I have failed to really rest and take good care of me so that I have more capacity to care for those I love. I don't exactly know how I will do all of this but with God's grace I know He'll give me wisdom.
Rick Warren said, "
Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation."
“We're depending on God; he's everything we need. What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you've got — that's what we're depending on.” (Psalm 33:20-22 MSG)
Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with JOY."
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with JOY."
Thank you to all of you who walked alongside me and my family. We could not have made it through this year with out your love, prayers, support and without our faith in Jesus!
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