CT results

I posted this on FB this week:

"My recent CT scan was clear. I am 82.4 lbs. Lost weight again. I stuffed my face so much lately but still lost weight...so frustrating. He said it is not his speciality to deal w the pain and short bowel issues. The pain Dr. I have will continue to help me manage my pain. The oncologist manages my disease. He said right now we can say i am in remission according to the scans. This disease could come back within the first 2 yrs or 5 or 10. But i felt weird to hear the remission word today. I am thankful but just wish i felt better. He is gonna request that my GI appointment (may 30) get moved up so we can talk w that specialist about TPN. Though oncologist said there r some risks with TPN like liver failure or kidney issues but at this point we r not sure if i have other options to fatten me up. If i were to get a flu i could not handle losing more weight...there is no fat reserve. This will all be discussed w the GI specialist. Please pray that appt will happen in April so i don't need to keep waiting for it. Thx. Blood pressure is still low but better than it was 2 weeks ago. I see my GP on Friday so will discuss w him about the thyroid issues , the reactive hypoglycemia and low blood pressure and tpn. I am now waiting to get routine blood work and a tumor marker test done. Thanks for the prayers. I am feeling pretty exhausted today."

I have been exhausted.  Today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with the day to day tasks.  I made a nice meal using my new instant pot that my mom gave me.  But then I look around my house, I see all the spring cleaning, sorting and organizing that needs to be done and I am exhausted just thinking about it. I want a garden and our yard needs some serious loving this spring/summer but I honestly don't think I'll have energy to really plant a garden or maintain our yard and that makes me sad.  

When my oncologist told me about my results being clear he said, "Thank God for small miracles."  Well I am thankful.  When he used the words "remission" it was hard to really embrace that word knowing I was told at one point this cancer doesn't ever really see remission.  So I want to embrace it, to rejoice and to believe it.  I have told my kids that the Dr. said there NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE.  However, my little girl still doesn't understand why I am still "sick."  

This past week she said, "Mommy, you used to be able to carry me when we lived in T.  Maybe when I am 16 I will be able to carry you."  

She often talks about how I am her little mommy.  She talks a lot about heaven and death and how she thought I was gonna die last yr.  She told me today that she figured I'd die first because I am smaller than my husband.  I feel for my little girl that she has had to process all this at such a young age.  I try my best to do normal life in my home but this week I feel like I am dragging myself.  Like all I want to do is close my eyes but I can't.  We continue to ask the Lord for full healing.  

We took a long road trip up north to see my family for Easter.  I was so nice to get out on the ski-doo for a ride with my hubby and to see my kids enjoying rides as well as sledding on the hill.  My favorite part was visiting with my 98 yr old grandpa and hearing his stories of being a gunner and a pilot in WW2.  My son interviewed him and we got some clips recorded.  Knowing he won't live too many more yrs yet it will be a precious memory having him share those stories for us to listen to for yrs to come.