Just an honest post

It’s Wednesday night, that means I get some alone time.  It’s so hard to know how to spend my alone time.  I could organize the many rooms that need cleaning and de-cluttering or I could journal, read, blog, sleep, do my physio, bake, etc.  The other day I had a babysitter and since I had canceled one  appointment it meant I had a couple of hours to myself.  I spent some time starting to color in my adult coloring book my friend Cheryl mailed to me when I was in the hospital this past spring. I turned to a page that had the verse that the Lord gave me at the start of the year and started to color.  It was actually stress releasing and calming.  Yet also a reminder of the way the Father has used this verse to speak to me over this past year. When there were many of times I couldn’t eat due to surgery preps, or after surgeries, or where gaining weight has been a struggle and food a battle to have it stay in me long enough to absorb the nutrients I needed to taste and see His goodness, not the food.  He was sustenance when food was/is not.  And It’s my reminder to continue to take refuge in Him.  I am still waiting on a call from the GI specialist for an appointment so we can see about any other suggestions to stop the chronic runs so that I can live a some-what normal life. I long to not have to be stressed every time I leave my home, making sure I know where a washroom is in case I need it. I long to be able to eat without worrying how it will affect my digestive system or if I can even eat it in the first place.  I need to give those worries and fears over to the Lord and gain strength from Him each day. 

Stress is something I deal with regularly.  I am working through a book with a sweet friend on managing stress.  I am learning that I need to prayerfully say “no” to some things, which is hard.  But in this season I have little strength and energy to do all that I wish I could do or all I have been invited to do.  I’ve been asked to be part of 5 different bible studies, or help with Awana or other things but I just can’t say yes, or I feel overwhelmed.  Partly because I never know how I will be feeling that day.  Partly because I have little energy to actually read more books or be out and about so much.  But oh I wish I could get more involved and connect more in groups like this. 

I am thankful for the few faithful friends who I know I can call on if I need help with watching my kids or for friends who have volunteered to drive me in for appointments or bring some meals to help take some of the stress I feel off of my shoulders.  Yet I feel guilty.  Guilty because it’s been 8 months since my last surgery and I feel like I should be able to manage more things, but to be honest I just have not bounced back like I wish I could.  I don’t sleep at night.  The pain or insomnia keeps me up.  I am not at my full capacity mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically.  And that is hard for me to accept.  But slowly I’m learning that I have to not care about the weeds on my yard or the clutter in my house.  I have to not be afraid to ask for help…that’s a hard one.  Some people are easier to ask for help from than others.  And for some strange reason I feel guilty asking for help.  My Father-in-law walked this road of cancer and recovery after surgeries before I did.  He was a testimony of not complaining through it all.  I long to take after Him in that but I will admit it’s hard to know when people ask how I am doing what to say. Hard to know when to be honest and say I am really struggling right now, or when to just smile and say, “Today is a good day.  There are some good days and bad days and today is a good day.” 

So tomorrow I have a CT scan.  I was due for one in December but due to not feeling quite right they moved it up.  I realize the radiation isn’t best to be subjected to so regularly and I realize that it might cause a secondary cancer 20 yrs down the road but for now I hope it can bring some peace of mind.  And to be honest I don’t know of too many people who have lived 20 years with the cancer I have so if that were to happen that would be a miracle in itself.  It’s so hard because I know from the research I have done this cancer usually won’t show up on scans and blood work but how else do you try to monitor it without just opening me up every 6 mths to see what’s really going on inside?  The pain could just be due to a chronic uti infection I’ve been battling off and on this summer or it could be the cancer being back or just my body still adjusting after such massive surgeries.  I don’t know, but I do know I wish I could sleep so that I had more energy to accomplish daily tasks and be the mom and wife my kids and hubby need me to be.

On a different note, October is miscarriage, infant loss and stillborn awareness month. (I'll save another post to talk specifically about my losses and how the Lord was with me in that dark season). When I learn of women finding out about this cancer after trying to discover why they are dealing with infertility, and discovering it all over inside through a laparoscopy, I am so thankful that I have my two kiddos to take care of.  I am saddened and miss the 3 I lost but I am thankful I still got to be mom and this cancer didn’t rob me of that.  My heart is saddened for those who have had to lose the dream of having a baby due to the brutality of cancer taking over their reproductive areas.  I have a picture representing my 3 babies up in my room.  Then my dear friend Heather made me a picture.  The biggest rock represents Jesus, the two leaning on the rock are to represent me and Trev and the other two rocks represent my 2 kiddos.  Then there are 3 red beads…those represent the 3 we lost.  My friend has always been good at coming alongside me and remembering my losses. 

The picture of the person looking through the dark woods at the light reminds me of the dream I had days before the airport attack in the city we lived in last yr.  Through the dream I felt the Lord inviting me to look to HIM, the light, and not at all the darkness and evil around me.  As I continue to walk out this road ahead of me I know I need to keep my eyes on Him.  I read in my devotional this morning about not fearing bad news.  So much evil is taking place in this world but the Lord asks us to Trust HIM and in Psalm 112:7 He says, “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”  So I humble myself before the Lord to admit the fears, stress and weaknesses I’ve been feeling, repent and ask for His strength and help to fully Trust Him, and to ask for help to have my heart remain steadfast on Him.  So tomorrow as I head into my scan I will do what I encourage many others to do.  I will ask Jesus where He is in the room with me.  I will focus on His presence instead of all the “what if’s” that could fill my head in those moments.  Thanks for your prayers.

And just a little reminder that Jesus cares about me.  I lost a necklace in Ontario this summer when I was there for a debreif retreat.  This was a special necklace given to me from my close friend overseas.  I was heart broken that I lost it.  At first I was told they couldn't find it but just tonight I got an email saying it has been found and will be emailed to me.  I had tears in my eyes as I read that.  :0)