God Wants Me

This weekend we watched a testimony and then a kids video and I felt the Lord speaking to me through both.

Phil Vischer, the man who created Veggie Tales, shared his testimony of his dream to create Veggie Tales, etc and to find ways to use entertainment to point others to Jesus.  His company, BIG IDEA, grew and was becoming well known.  He was suspected to become the next Walt Disney and his company the next Disney productions.  But then his company went bankrupt.  He was left wondering why God would give him his dream only to have it end this way.

"If God gives you a dream and shows up in it and then suddenly without warning that dream dies it may mean that God wants to know what is more important to you, the dream or HIM?  Once He has seen that you may get back your dream.  Or you may not.  And you may live the rest of your life without it but that's ok because you will have God."

Oh wow, I heard this and then my eyes started to well up with tears and I knew I needed to write that quote down.  From the time I was young I always saw myself as one who would live overseas and tell others about Jesus.  By the age of grade 3 I was looking into universities because I wanted to be a Veterinarian, and use that as a way to work overseas and tell others about Jesus.  That was until I graduated the the Lord told me He was calling me to people, not animals because animals don't have souls.  John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish/die but will have eternal life."

On the day we got married we walked out of our wedding to this song, "You said" by Shane and Shane.  I didn't want gifts, I just wanted to go serve overseas.  Our first yr of marriage was spent in the DR of Congo and then in 2007 we began to feel a tug towards the Middle East and to move overseas long term.  However, that journey took many many yrs.  In that time our Call to go was clarified and tested and it gave us even more passion to GO.  Finally after yrs of tears, praying, asking the Lord to continue to guide, lead and confirm this direction we believed He called us on, we were able to step foot in T in the fall of 2012.  Oh how that felt amazing and quickly it felt like home.  We thought we'd see our kids grow up there, grow old together there, and be part of whatever the Lord had in-store for us there.  But then suddenly that all changed on Feb 28, 2017 when we discovered how invasive my cancer was and when my hubby heard the Lord peacefully whisper that he was released to bring his family back to Canada.

So our adjustment back in the last 8 months has not been easy.  Seeing a dream die and being in a place of healing is hard.  But through Phil Vischer's testimony I felt the Lord whispering to me.  Phil reminded me of the importance that my identity is in Jesus.  I am a child of God.  My identity is not in what I do for God but in who I am in Him.  He went on to say, "When we don't know what God wants us to do-do NOTHING.  Wait on God."  So this is the season I am in.  I don't know what He wants me to do but I am learning it's not about DOING-it's about BEING.  My identity needs to be in God, who I am in HIM, and not in what I do.  I also need to not worry about "doing something that will impact others" but instead on just focusing on God.  And when we wait on God we need to make sure that His directions don't become more important than Him.

In the kids video (Galaxy Buck) Buck was all about trying to do something BIG for God.  He kept say, "God wants me to do something BIG."  But in the end he realised God just wanted him.  I need to not worry about the outcomes of what He asks me to do but to just be obedient.  God is enough, not because He can make my dreams come true.  He's enough even though our dreams of being overseas has died.  He's enough even though I am still healing and dealing with chronic issues.  He's enough even without our dreams.  And if I take time to sit with Him and really listen, I'll see Him healing me, speaking to me and smiling knowing that He has more plans for me...perhaps things I can't even ask for or imagine!

I will admit I longed to make an impact, a difference for the Lord in the lives of those around me.  Isaiah 61.  I longed to be able to be used by Him to help set people free from bondage and sin in their lives.  "The impact God has planned for us does not occur when we are pursuing impact.  It occurs when we are pursuing God.  And so I am convicted.  I need to find balance and time and make sure that time with God takes more of a priority in my life.