World Cancer Day

Today is World Cancer Day.  Someone on my Appendix Cancer FB page posted this video.  This man fought hard however he lost his battle in 2015.  I had tears in my eyes as I watched this video.  Afterwards I cuddled on the couch with my daughter while we watched a video together.  We talked about how I was filling up her "cuddle tank."  I am so so thankful for my amazing kids, my loving husband, and the gifts of family and friends around me.  I am so thankful my kids still have their mommy around.  As I cuddled my daughter I said a silent prayer asking the Lord to allow me to see my little girl grow up, get married and have kids.  The other day I drove by the river, where some people have gotten baptized, and I asked the Lord to give me years so that one day I can see my kids get baptized, grow in their relationships with HIM, grow up, get married and have kids.

I have tears as I write.  I know it's a miracle I am alive.  I was told that this cancer, if it were to come back, would most likely come back in this first yr or two.  So we've made it to yr 1 since diagnosis.  My husband informed me that he wondered if he was gonna have to transport my body back home last spring.  My little girl talks regularly about heaven and how she will never let go of my heart and how I will always be her mommy even if I go to heaven.  My kids have had to process a lot in this last yr.  I am so thankful Jesus has been walking with us so closely through it all.  I am so blessed that we were able to gather with some family and friends on January 26th and celebrate 1 yr since diagnosis.  I forgot to take pictures.  It is my prayer that we'll have many more yrs to celebrate.

In the above video he says this: "When you die it doesn't mean you lose to cancer.  You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the matter in which you live."

This man left a legacy and he had a platform in which he was noticed and could raise awareness for cancer and his fight against it.  I don't have a platform but I can only hope and pray that through all of this the Lord will transform me into more of His likeness and that some how my kids and others around me will be encouraged to draw closer to Jesus through it all.  I had and opportunity on the 30th of January to share my story at the local Morning Out For Mom's program.  I shed some tears.  And as I shared I told people that I have seen God's fingerprints all over my story, and especially this last yr.  I encouraged them to each share a story of their own and how the Lord was with them even during something difficult or painful.  Tears were shared and I believe we all left feeling encouraged.

Growing up one of my favorite verses was Hebrews

Hebrews 13:5-6 English Standard Version (ESV)

5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 6 So we can confidently say,

“The Lord is my helper;
    I will not fear;
what can man do to me?”

I know that He has not left me nor abandoned me.  He has been my helper and He will continue to be right here with me.

Another quote that Stuart Scott said that had me in tears was: "So live.  Live!  Fight like hell.  And when you get too tired to fight then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you."

Rest.  This is something I was talking to with a friend of mine this week as we Skyped.  Cheryl has been an encouragement me me as she has been fighting her own cancer battle.  She was diagnosed a few months before I was.  She is a blessing and encouragement to me in how she is walking out her Faith, leaving a legacy behind for her kids, sharing her story, and leaning into JESUS.  We talked about how they have a babysitter 4 days a week.  How she is getting help with her kids and how that is enabling her time to REST, to write and to take care of Her.  I am so thankful for our babysitter that we have 8 hrs a week.  What a blessing.  However I realized after my Skype that I need to rest more.  I need to some how make time to get naps in more regularly.  When I don't take care of me I become more stressed, short with my family, and unable to really feel like I can thrive.  But I feel guilty asking for help.  I feel guilty putting on the TV for my little girl so I can rest.  I feel guilty having others take care of my kiddos when I feel it's something I should be able to do.  I feel like, compared to a yr ago I am doing way better.  In talking with one aunt today she used the word, "stable" to describe how she sees me.  Yes I am stable I guess.  Tests seem to show things are good but I am so so tired and weak.  I wonder some times if I had adrenal fatigue or if my liver needs a good cleansing from all of the meds I have to take daily.  When people ask how I am feeling I say, "Tired."  I know it seems like I am on repeat when I say that but it's the easiest way to describe how I am doing without trying to sound like I am complaining.

My grandpa turns 98 tomorrow.  He's my hero.  He is a man who has been through A LOT but I have never heard him complain.  When asked how he's doing he'll say, "Not too bad."  And then I think of my father-in-law.  He fought cancer off and on for the 10 yrs that I knew him.  He also was known as a person who didn't complain.  So I feel challenged.  How I respond to my struggles is being watched and I need to lean in to Jesus for His strength so I can walk this road out with integrity, His strength, and joy.  Last week I was telling someone that I have not blamed God at all through this or wondered WHY ME?  However that same day we found out our closest neighbors from T, their only daughter finally got engaged and the wedding would be this summer or before summer.  I was so sad.  That is one wedding I really wanted to be at.  $6,000 is just too much for our family to be able to afford to go this summer and I am not sure I'd be healthy enough to travel.  But it made me so sad and I asked the "Why did we have to come back to Canada" question and "I wish that I didn't have this cancer". But I know I can get stuck in those thoughts so all I can do is take each day, find things to be thankful for and lean more into Jesus.  He has a plan for me and for my family in all of this.  I can't see what that is right now but perhaps it's not for me to know right now either.

We had the joy of having a friend who lived in T when we did come visit us this weekend.  He lives in Texas now so he wanted to experience a Canadian Winter.  Well he was able to come over a really COLD weekend.  We had fun showing him ice castles, and going to a NHL game, etc.  We were able to speak in Turkish a bit together.  Able to talk about missing our other home and our community there.  Able to relate to each other and he was able to relate to my kids about being a TCK (third culture kid).  It was a blessing. But all the busyness made my body scream.  While at the hockey game I spent most of the first period in and out of the washroom.  My digestive system was not working well and my body was crashing.  So today my everyone else went out for lunch and I got to stay home and sleep.  I woke up feeling like I had more energy.  I need to do this more.  Taking care of me isn't something I can do easily when I am taking care of home and kids, etc.

And I also know that how I spend my time will be a legacy for my kids.  I could spend it all on my phone or cleaning my home and making meals. Or I could spend it with them creating memories, and also spend it with Jesus knowing that when my kids see me in the Word, and praying I will be teaching them what it means/looks like to turn to Jesus.  This is something I have been challenged with this weekend and something I want to do better with.  To be wise where I invest my time and how I invest it (even with whom) so that I can be an example and testimony to my kids.

Can you please join me in praising Jesus for LIFE and also praying for REST and a renewal in my walk with Jesus.  I long to commune with Him more, hear His voice more clearly and to be able to have my prayer life and devotional life revived and feel like I have the energy to spend with HIM like I used to.  I miss being able to minister to other people rather than being in a state of needing to be encouraged, ministered to and helped.  It's a humbling place to be in.  And if you read this please let me know, thanks.